Change of attitude through open/ polyamorous relationships

[Jannes]

I heard a few podcasts some time ago where people talked about their experience with polyamorous or open relationships. They said it took them years of getting used to it. When they knew that their partner was having sex with someone else they were facing their ugliest demons and were often times suffering from their jealousy. But they reported that after 3 years or so they became okay with it. They were still jealous but they weren't fighting their jealousy anymore they just accepted it and through that were in peace with it. They also reported other benefits like a feeling of security as there were less secrets or reasons for breakup and a new sense of self love because their partner came back to them even if he/ she had other options so they learned that they were capable of a unique kind of love which other people couldnt provide. 

Focusing on the point of jealousy though. Do you think the claim that they were in peace with their jealousy is legit? 

[Atb210201]

It can be

But why go through all this problem?

Because we can't control our impulses and we're not strong enough so we should act on every impulse of ours?

Why is one person not enough for us?

Edited September 24 by Atb210201

[Jannes]

2 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

It can be

But why go through all this problem?

Because we can't control our impulses and we're not strong enough so we should act on every impulse of ours?

Because on the other side you might get something more real. Something that maintains its existence naturally and not through artificial rules. 

Well the impulses are simply there. We say that repressing the impulses is the most mature thing as it gets the best outcome. But what if not repressing your impulses and dealing with them in a mature way would even get better outcomes?

[Atb210201]

26 minutes ago, Jannes said:

Because on the other side you might get something more real. Something that maintains its existence naturally and not through artificial rules. 

Well the impulses are simply there. We say that repressing the impulses is the most mature thing as it gets the best outcome. But what if not repressing your impulses and dealing with them in a mature way would even get better outcomes?

How is it more real when you are explicitly telling someone everyday you're with them that you're not enough for me and I'm not committed enough to you and I don't respect you enough and I don't love you enough to only stick to you and not go around hunting other sexual adventures with others because you alone can't satisfy me?

Jealousy is only the tip of the iceberg 

Resentment and hatred are always gonna be there somewhere

We just have to shut these voices in our heads up and not feel them anymore so why not shut the impulses up in the first place?

Well maybe not who knows I've not tried it so maybe someone tries these kinds of relationships and is gonna actually be fulfilled and happy

Edited September 24 by Atb210201

[Jannes]

30 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

How is it more real when you are explicitly telling someone everyday you're with them that you're not enough for me and I'm not committed enough to you and I don't respect you enough and I don't love you enough to only stick to you and not go around hunting other sexual adventures with others because you alone can't satisfy me?

It doesnt really matter how good the partner is is the same pussy after 3 years honestly still exciting? It's just honest. Deceiving someone in this matter isnt actually respectful but morally respectful imo. 

It's real when people naturally come back to each other even though they have other options. 

30 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

Jealousy is only the tip of the iceberg 

Resentment and hatred are always gonna be there somewhere

I think if you talk about it in a mature way resentment and hatred can be minimized but I haven't experienced it myself

30 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

We just have to shut these voices in our heads up and not feel them anymore so why not shut the impulses up in the first place?

Thats a very good point. Well the point is that "the voices" come from different sources. One is a need/ craving the other one is a fear. The first cant really be overcome with discipline. You cant really discipline yourself to go on a diet for example it usually leads to backlash. On the other hand when you expose yourself to your fear it gets smaller and smaller. Thats the point of exposure therapy for example. 

30 minutes ago, Atb210201 said:

Well maybe not who knows I've not tried it so maybe someone tries these kinds of relationships and is gonna actually be fulfilled and happy

I haven't tried them either. But I heard people report that it fullfills them and I am open minded to that so thats why I opened this thread. 

[Atb210201]

1 hour ago, Jannes said:

It doesnt really matter how good the partner is is the same pussy after 3 years honestly still exciting? It's just honest. Deceiving someone in this matter isnt actually respectful but morally respectful imo. 

It's real when people naturally come back to each other even though they have other options. 

I think if you talk about it in a mature way resentment and hatred can be minimized but I haven't experienced it myself

Thats a very good point. Well the point is that "the voices" come from different sources. One is a need/ craving the other one is a fear. The first cant really be overcome with discipline. You cant really discipline yourself to go on a diet for example it usually leads to backlash. On the other hand when you expose yourself to your fear it gets smaller and smaller. Thats the point of exposure therapy for example. 

I haven't tried them either. But I heard people report that it fullfills them and I am open minded to that so thats why I opened this thread. 

Alright I wish you the best of luck my friend

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, Atb210201 said:

Alright I wish you the best of luck my friend

If you have any concerns regarding my argumentation please tell them otherwise thanks I guess. 

[JosephKnecht]

3 hours ago, Jannes said:

But I heard people report that it fullfills them and I am open minded to that so thats why I opened this thread. 

Why don't you try to have an open relationship and report the results to us? 

Open relationships tend to work for some people. It allows both people to have complete freedom in dating so that they can maximize their hedonism. 

Jealousy is not even relevant because it comes from your insecurity of believing that you can "own" a person. 

The trouble arises when you want to raise children in such an environment.

If both people prioritize their pleasures over the relationships, it gives you an indication of their values (valuing pleasure over progeny), and the children suffer in the end. 

 

 

[Ampresus]

Okay, excuse my very zoomer view on this, but Destiny and Sneako come to mind. Destiny was (and still is I believe?) an advocate for this. The way he explained it, both monogamous and polyamorous relationships break up often. One is not necessary better than the other, just a matter of preference. He preferred to keep his options sexually open and so did his partner. For them it worked out, until they got divoced in 2023. 

But Sneako... man where do I start. So this guy basically went to an orgy where couples go to hook up with other couples. So Sneako went with his girl and basically every man there was all over her. Eventually she was fucking one dude while Sneako had sex with the girl of said dude. I will link the clip here where he explains it, but my god that gave me a terrible feel in my stomach. Regardless of how much people hate him, I truly wouldn't wish that on him or anyone. To see with your own eyes your girl getting plowed and share that with the world too? 

One last thing that comes to mind is pornstars. Specifically Johnny Sins. I'm guessing most of the people know him, whether by name or by his career  But as a pornstar dating another pornstar, hooking up with other people is like a job. It gets them their bread. They still love each other, despite having plenty of sex with other people. Honestly this seems like the only positive example I can think of this. Where sex is so regular it doesn't concern both of you. Having multiple sex partners is like having a lot of friends. They're great and they love them, but they would always return to each other in the end. I can respect that.

[Atb210201]

44 minutes ago, Jannes said:

If you have any concerns regarding my argumentation please tell them otherwise thanks I guess. 

I do but I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just wish anyone open-minded enough to want this the best

 

[Jannes]

2 hours ago, JosephKnecht said:

Why don't you try to have an open relationship and report the results to us? 

Open relationships tend to work for some people. It allows both people to have complete freedom in dating so that they can maximize their hedonism. 

Jealousy is not even relevant because it comes from your insecurity of believing that you can "own" a person. 

The trouble arises when you want to raise children in such an environment.

If both people prioritize their pleasures over the relationships, it gives you an indication of their values (valuing pleasure over progeny), and the children suffer in the end. 

These are good points. Sacrificing for one person creates a special place. There is definitely a place for that. 

I dont feel grounded enough for a poly relationship and I crave romance right now. But it's something I wanna try at some point. 

Edited September 24 by Jannes

[Jannes]

27 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

But Sneako... man where do I start. So this guy basically went to an orgy where couples go to hook up with other couples. So Sneako went with his girl and basically every man there was all over her. Eventually she was fucking one dude while Sneako had sex with the girl of said dude. I will link the clip here where he explains it, but my god that gave me a terrible feel in my stomach. Regardless of how much people hate him, I truly wouldn't wish that on him or anyone. To see with your own eyes your girl getting plowed and share that with the world too? 

That triggers two things in me.

1) an absolute terrible feeling like seeing a bunch of carnivores devour a corps of someone you love. 

That thumbnail captures it perfectly. (thanks nilsi)

 

2) potentially a very beautiful non egoistical love. Imagine you like to see your girl get gang banged by other people because it makes her happy and she is happy that it makes you happy that it makes her happy. It's a thing. 

[Keryo Koffa]

Monogamy is a hoax anyway

[Jannes]

@Ampresus Oh this is so funny. He just got a week of ptsd, he is fine now and still in love with his girl it's all good. You just have to let it go. 

Eventually you can get to the level of the guy at 14:04 

 

Edited September 24 by Jannes

[Ampresus]

@Jannes To each their own man, I personally wouldn't want to be on earth any longer if this happened to me. I wouldn't want to learn to deal with it either. Then again, I can see the appeal for some people.

Edited September 24 by Ampresus

[Jannes]

23 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

@Jannes To each their own man, I personally wouldn't want to be on earth any longer if this happened to me. I wouldn't want to learn to deal with it either. Then again, I can see the appeal for some people.

I get it. I dont know if I would feel very different. 

It's just that I feel like this is such an ego and illusory thing believing that you own somebody that I think there has to be a valuable spiritual lesson if you deconstruct that - maybe like a harsh 5meo trip. 

[Jannes]

edit: Oh its from here: 

 

15 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

Think it like this, imagine if your wife cheats on you with a guy that you really hate.

If at that moment you completely surrender to your wife cheating you with the guy you hate...You got it. That´s surrender.

Because... what is what you have to surrender? Only what you have built in your mind about what is your wife and what is that man you hate.

Your wife cheating you with the guy you hate can be an enlightment possibility, if you completely surrender to them and what they did fully... The Door opens...for the one that is willing to insanely fall in Love with Reality when it throws you the most utter filth you can imagine. 

 

And now sadhguru phrase comes to mind: 

"If i tell them what they have to swallow, they will say is impossible and run away"

Edited September 26 by Jannes

[RendHeaven]

On 9/25/2024 at 2:14 AM, Ampresus said:

Okay, excuse my very zoomer view on this, but Destiny and Sneako come to mind. Destiny was (and still is I believe?) an advocate for this. The way he explained it, both monogamous and polyamorous relationships break up often. One is not necessary better than the other, just a matter of preference. He preferred to keep his options sexually open and so did his partner. For them it worked out, until they got divoced in 2023. 

But Sneako... man where do I start. So this guy basically went to an orgy where couples go to hook up with other couples. So Sneako went with his girl and basically every man there was all over her. Eventually she was fucking one dude while Sneako had sex with the girl of said dude. I will link the clip here where he explains it, but my god that gave me a terrible feel in my stomach. Regardless of how much people hate him, I truly wouldn't wish that on him or anyone. To see with your own eyes your girl getting plowed and share that with the world too? 

One last thing that comes to mind is pornstars. Specifically Johnny Sins. I'm guessing most of the people know him, whether by name or by his career  But as a pornstar dating another pornstar, hooking up with other people is like a job. It gets them their bread. They still love each other, despite having plenty of sex with other people. Honestly this seems like the only positive example I can think of this. Where sex is so regular it doesn't concern both of you. Having multiple sex partners is like having a lot of friends. They're great and they love them, but they would always return to each other in the end. I can respect that.

Destiny and Sneako are horrible examples of open relationships, they did everything wrong and of course it blew up in their faces

If you want a harem it has to be managed in a highly specific manner that balances attraction and emotions for all parties involved. Don't get in situations you don't want to be in; and if a girl disagrees with you, you have to be able to completely let her go without hesitation no matter how sexy or sweet she is.

Going to a sex party and watching a guy plow her is a trash idea and has nothing to do with proper open relationship management. I would never take a girl to such a stupid environment. If anything, I would set up my own sex party where it's all hot girls and me. And if that upset her for any reason, she's GONE. Abundance. Don't settle. Set the frame. Lead. Don't need anything from anyone. There are 800 million women aged 18-33 worldwide.

Also destiny was basically in an open relationship with a gauntlet of rules which she was breaking behind his back. So it was really no different from a cheating monogamous relationship. You need minimal rules where both parties are free to do whatever they want - but you are so attractive that she organically craves you (and ideally: only you!)