I want multiple girlfriends

[Ampresus]

In the Huberman Lab podcast with Martha Beck, Beck discussed something profound which I think opened my mind for something new. She talked about the "Perfect Relationship Visualization", where you try to sit still for a couple of minutes and imagine what a perfect relationship for YOU would look like. You're supposed to let the mind wander and not judge what comes up. For me what came up is me having multiple girlfriends. And they all knew of it. Polygamy basically. I imagined speficially a girl with black hair and white skin and a girl with more brunette features, so tinted skin and brown hair.

As I was listening to the podcast and doing the exercise (Beck was guiding it) I felt strange and weirded out a bit. But it was only after the exercise that I realized it wasn't that weird. Beck herself is in a relationship with I believe one woman and one man. Or was it two women? Either way, this is how she discovered she had a "weird" perfect relationship. So now I want it too but obviously that is easier said than done.

I currently have one girlfriend, but am planning to tell her about this urge of mine. In the visualization, all parties involved were happy and accepting of one another, so I cannot move forwards with her if she doesn't want it. With that said, even if she agrees, how does one find a girl who's willing to enter a relationship like that? What amount of game do I need to pull this off? Attracting individual girls is not difficult for me, I have even had girls ask for my number or ask me out, but requesting something like this is rather atypical. 

Any advice?

[Jannes]

22 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

What amount of game do I need to pull this off? 

It's way more important that you have very high emotional intelligence so no one feels let down. One relationship is hard enough as it is. Have you considered the downsides of having multiple girlfriends?

[Ampresus]

@Jannes There you raise a proper concern. I can imagine it being much more difficult to manage the needs of two people rather than just one. With that said, the only way I can learn how to do that is when I have experience in being in a relationship with two people. I guess a good amount of monogamous relationships can help with preparation, but like everything else the best way to learn something is through direct experience imo. 

[Keryo Koffa]

Would you mind if each of these girfriends themselves were in polyamorous relationships or is it All for One? 😁

[Jannes]

3 minutes ago, Ampresus said:

@Jannes There you raise a proper concern. I can imagine it being much more difficult to manage the needs of two people rather than just one. With that said, the only way I can learn how to do that is when I have experience in being in a relationship with two people. I guess a good amount of monogamous relationships can help with preparation, but like everything else the best way to learn something is through direct experience imo. 

Indeed. Just know that you risk destroying your current relationship if it doesnt work out. 

[Jannes]

5 minutes ago, Keryo Koffa said:

Would you mind if each of these girfriends themselves were in polyamorous relationships or is it All for One? 😁

You didnt ask me but it's an interesting question to answer.

I dont think I could have a completely unsymmetrical polyamorous relationship as thats too much responsibility on my part. Also I dont like the idea of sharing a girl with another dude. I could imagine a polyamorous relationship with a bi girl who has another girl though.  

[Sugarcoat]

Do people not visualize automatically? Like daydreaming? You needed someone to tell you to do it. Nothing wrong, just a thought. Maybe some are less visual because for me and I know some others who are prone to this, visualization is way common in our lives 

[Buck Edwards]

Most women don't like that idea. It leads to unnecessary complications, confusion and drama. Relationships are already work. How can you juggle multiple people? Plus it's not just about being sexual. Emotions are involved. Most people struggle with emotional maturity in a single relationship, so how would you deal with emotions in multiple relationships? That's quite tough and near to impossible. Most likely you're dreaming this up without taking into account the practical consequences and difficulties involved. How will you take out time out of your life and attend to multiple people? Seems like you are daydreaming this up. Plus what's the benefit for the woman in such an arbitrary bargain? She gets no commitment, a main thing most women are looking for in a partner. I mean is she working hard to earn your happiness so that you are ultimately shared with others. I don't know but that's not a good enough bargain for her in the end unless the man is totally high quality. You're probably asking for a hefty compromise on commitment, single greatest value for high quality women. It's something women only do if the man is someone to die for. 

If you're able to find a woman (who is high value) who is ready for such a compromise then show me lol. 

If you do find, good for you, yet I don't think it's a general trend in any demograph. 

Edited September 23 by Buck Edwards

[Adrian colby]

@Ampresus we all have differing preferences and ways of being authentic to our true selves as unique human personalities. Personally I have been going through this too where I hard a sexual awakening that showed me I wasn’t a trustworthy partner but I was actually just suppressing my sexuality because of previous bad experiences. When I finally regained my self confidence and self love, the thing that felt most natural and authentic to me was loving unconditionally. Not needing or wanting or possessing anyone but allowing their coming and going from my personal space and life to have beautiful and intimate moments of connection. No expectations or presumed outcomes. No seeking fulfilment in others because I was already generating ecstatic states in myself. 
 
the problem I encountered was that I was already married and had already gone into a relationship under a joined agreement. To follow this realisation about my ‘polyamory’ I would be breaking an agreement and like you, I love my wife and so I would never lie to her or do anything that she was not ok with. I have no desire to add people to our relationship. She is the top of the pecking order and the only one I choose to share the mundane day to day experience of life with and she will never be replaced. If she leaves me or she dies, that is it for me. My decision is final and there will be no more relationships. 
my polyamory is about my expansion into unconditional love. It’s not about promiscuous sex for self satisfaction. It’s about allowing and accepting beautiful and loving moments of connection with other people without possessing them or expecting them to do or be anything. It’s just that, an exchange of energy, a connection and experience called for in a moment because it’s an expression of love. That doesn’t mean it has to be sex( sex is one of the manifestations but it’s not a necessity). I love it and feel no guilt, shame or regret but absolute gratitude for the experience with that person. I’ve always said that I would apologise for descending into hate but I will never apologise for loving. 
I could argue that my wife saying no is a form of control and possessiveness but we need to remember that she entered the relationship under the agreement of exclusivity so she is not being unfair. I have changed into a less limited mindset about my sexuality in the interim. She understands where I am coming from ( how it unfolded was deeply profound and mystical full of ‘coincidences’ that were hard to believe) and see has watched it and experienced some of it for herself. My change in energy has healed her sexual suppression too but not her limitation within the relationship. She says she may or may not be ok with it in the future but she is not there now. I have a responsibility for my choices and their consequences and prioritising what is truly important to me. If I claim to be highly conscious and my wife has started going through the awakening process( completely unexpected but triggere by my own sexual awakening) then she is in a vulnerable state and needs to trust me. I have to curtail my own experience to be that for her if I want what’s in her best interest and if I want to maintain my marriage with her. Yes deep down it was a mistake to get married and stuck permanently with another person cutting off all other experience but I have been catalysed and presented with many lessons in this relationship that have ultimately grown me as a person. Creating that limitation is what causes the challenges and adversity to overcome and to grow from. Understanding that is crucial for living life fulfillingly and not being victimised by it. 
 

I know within myself I have the potential to love many people and I do feel it genuinely towards others. There are many angels out there but she is my archangel. What I would be careful with in that scenario is having experiences with other people who were not at that level and potentially I would be causing emotional hurt to them if they were seeking something in me to fulfill them, if they attached an importance to me or identified me as their want or posession in any way. Coming and going from that experience with them with gratitude for the beauty of it and them, would be one sided and leave them not with gratitude but with guilt, shame and regret so I would be very careful with using clear and agreed ground rules. You have to communicate clearly and honestly about who and what you are, what your expectations are, what you are and are not willing to do. Being aware and conscious means not doing something for your own satisfaction. You have to learn to harmonise and balance in interactions with others. You could potentially Leave another person with serious emotional damage or even a permanent psychological trauma if you are just out to satisfy yourself. But I get it. I have shifted into an open unconditionalness where essentially whoever is making a meaningful and loving connection with me is allowed into my intimate space. That is what feels normal and natural to me. That is what liberates me. When I think of suppressing g that it feels like shutting off part of my soul or part of my being. Polyamorous in its generic understanding of the word doesn’t really describe what I’ve opened up to. It’s much deeper and more profound than that. It’s almost an acceptance of other people in living harmony compared to the shutting them off and out and feeling nothing for humanity before this point. I wouldn’t even limit it to women, I’d be open to men as well although I identify and preference being heterosexual. I used to be suppressed and rejecting almost hateful of women. I was toxically masculine, trying to irradicate everything femanine within myself to the point that it disgusted me. I’ve healed a bucket load of trauma, seen the absolute and now living life again as the old limitations are being shed away like restrictive skin. Now I absolutely love and adore the idea and reality of woman and enjoy the ecstacy of their beauty and divinity. I’d almost go so far as to say I have formed a new personality that appreciates and worships women and that it is a decision I have made and preference and perspective from which to experience life. I’m aware of the dualistic collapse of the idea of men and women at the spiritual level but I’m also aware of the energy dynamic of the mental mechanism that is the masculine and femanine force of the universes first movement from nothing to something. The alpha and omega. To play my part as the male and to understand and work in harmony with the female. Not bending it to my will but loving it unconditionally as it is for what it is. Beautiful and perfect in all its imperfection and limitation. 
 

as a human it is a struggle not to get the experiences one wants but life has a way that is unforlding that ultimately grows me and fulfills me no matter what happens. Moving into being ok and at peace generated from within is one way of describing the enlightenment of limitations or at least coping with them in a way they are allowed to just be, and enjoyed. 

[Princess Arabia]

Go for it if that's what you feel you want. Keep in mind, though, just like anything else in life there are ups and downs; so be prepared for that. We can come up with all sorts of scenarios why something wouldn't work when all we need to focus on is why it will. As long as all in involved are aware of what's happening, and you treat all with love and respect and not just in it for your own selfish wants and desires but to be exploring this part of life with a curious lens for the experience and have all's best interest in mind, I see no reason why you shouldn't.

You might decide later on after you've tasted a piece of the pie that it's not for you; but until then, you will always have this in the back of your mind and will not be all in with any one particular relationship you're in, so you might as well get it out the way to see if it's for you or not. All you're doing is spreading more love across the board as long as long as the above mentioned are in place and all are happy. 

I've heard of instances where people have made this work and are happy with it and also the opposite, so it's up to you to figure out the best approaches.

Maybe go online and join sites where these communities are interacting or maybe put your own personal ad out there on sites that welcome these types of lifestyle. 

[Buck Edwards]

1 minute ago, Adrian colby said:

we all have differing preferences and ways of being authentic to our true selves as unique human personalities. Personally I have been going through this too where I hard a sexual awakening that showed me I wasn’t a trustworthy partner but I was actually just suppressing my sexuality because of previous bad experiences. When I finally regained my self confidence and self love, the thing that felt most natural and authentic to me was loving unconditionally. Not needing or wanting or possessing anyone but allowing their coming and going from my personal space and life to have beautiful and intimate moments of connection. No expectations or presumed outcomes. No seeking fulfilment in others because I was already generating ecstatic states in myself. 

This feels like a high spiritual awakening in the spectrum of relationships. 

[Basman]

I don't think its inherently a bad idea but I feel like its going to be a lot more feasible to pull off and maintain if you can provide for everyone involved.

[Godhead]

Are you cool with your GF having other boyfriends? Are you cool with the idea that you are cuddling with your girl and then she leaves to get fucked by some other hotter guy? Are you cool with her talking to you about what she did on the weekend, even in detail? Are you cool with constantly reassuring each other, communicating deeply about insecurities, and being alone while your partner is out and about? Are you willing to take the risk of STDs? 

If your answer to all of these questions is yes, visit Berlin. It's very common here.

If your answer is no or you feel like the privilege of having multiple partners should only be extended to you, maybe rethink. 

Maybe you are also just not ready for a monogamous relationship yet and need to date around more to figure yourself out.

 

Monogamy and non-Monogamy both have advantages and disadvantages. Determine which model work best for you and determine which disadvantages you are willing to accept.

 

[Spiritual Warrior]

Talking to multiple girls is an emotionally taxing endeavor 

[Tenebroso]

Very attractive men already do this but it's unspoken "don't ask, don't tell"..........I read recently that RFK Jr was found to have 43 mistresses at one point during his last marriage. Some guys live in sexual abundance that is unimaginable for most men.

[Butters]

Lol everybody wants this, you ain't ready bro. 

Edited September 23 by Butters

[Keryo Koffa]

@Adrian colby Society ain't ready for your utopia yet 😁

[Jannes]

@Adrian colby I love that. I like to freely exchange moments of love with random people which is as free as air. Often it's through eye contact. It's like very consciously watching a great sunset and after the moment is gone you dont hold onto it you just naturally let it be. Not because it wasn't real but because it actually was real you just cant hold onto real love. Well few people get it.  I take medication for adhd (inattentive) now and it seems to reduce that free love exchange. 

[Adrian colby]

@Keryo Koffa my utopia is individual and self created/ experienced from the way I hold perspectives( multiple simultaneously as it may be). If someone on the same wavelength comes along or not, it doesn’t matter. 
my marriage has already turned into something profound and both my wife and I are still wiping our jaws off the floor 😁

it would of course be beautiful if everyone could have this but I’ve also learned it’s not my place to push that on anyone. I may in fact be removing someone’s catalyst for genuine growth at a time when they really need to experience their difficulties. If I hadn’t gone through the shit… I would never have been able to know this by contrast (something vs nothing)

[Keryo Koffa]

@Adrian colby I know, It's holistic & wholesome, the world of your example would be an amazing place

All social constructs are fear-based contingency protocols. Free individuals carry no roles or descriptors
Everything is spontaneous experience, a living dance party where you switch & flow, learn of everyone
But fear-shame-superiority-greed dynamics, loyalty-polarities, and security-paradigms negate all these