Energy of Death inside me

[Tech36363]

Namaste

i did a Vipassana 10 day course that completely changed me forever. I was under the water in terms of consciousness. My consciousness was even below that of average person. 

But vipassana helped me bring it to surface. I faced a lot of my unconscious tendencies. Codependency, seeking validation, sexual nature etc. 

As i have been conscious for months now, i have noticed something that i call Energy of Death. 

What this basically means is, regarding few my job or other few things. There is this dense fear inside me that immobilises me. It handicaps me and closes me up. Makes simple things difficult for me to do by creating obstacles. I feel sensations of it in calfs of both of my legs. I feel small involuntary movements in legs. 

In this situation, i try to be conscious and observe it. When i do, and when it's gone i feel very tired, as if you have come from a war. As it takes energy from your body. 

What should I do? 

 

[BlueOak]

This is great news because you have become conscious of it to the point you can feel it held in your body. It was always a part of you. Oh and healing like this can be quite tiring, its natural.

Sit with this part of yourself and allow it, feel as deeply into it as you can for as long as needed. No distractions.
Then see what comes up. 

I don't want to bias what comes next. It could be a part of yourself to protect, a part that wants to protect you. It could teach, or be taught or both. It could need comfort, or to comfort. It could be lost, or a childhood piece that's been scared to split in two, or unable to express itself, or been rejected by you your entire life because of the fear. Healing, helping etc.

My usual method is.

Feel the emotion fully.
Visualise if there is an image there, sometimes there is, and sometimes there isn't.
Be there for yourself in whatever way works, Trust you'll know what to do next. Being there will begin to improve things because so far you haven't been able to.

I usually encourage and remain open, treating it as a part of me I wish to connect with again in whatever capacity it needs to. I often visualize myself when I am younger and whatever state this emotion is showing me, in whatever way it is. Sometimes it's bigger than me and leading me, often I am there for it, and sometimes we are equal in the visualization.

If there is no visualization don't worry at all, feeling and allowing the emotion itself might be the point.
There is no wrong visualization or wrong approach. I've visualized baby me walking around 200 feet tall crushing its problems, or a broken me on a street corner that I could barely see and sat with, more often than anything, a scared or injured younger me in a situation. Othertimes I just felt to a completely blank mind.

Only after all that I ask that part of myself in my mind if it wants to integrate fully with me, rather than being a separate part, I don't insist, I ask and allow for whatever happens to happen. Sometimes you'll feel it physically, other times its mental or emotional.

Here are the usual videos I drop:
 

 

Here is a playlist on it above, have a browse.

I do sometimes go through the psychological process described in the completion process and bring the piece back to a place it can stay eternally if it wants, if doesn't feel like fully integrating. I realise what this is doing inside myself is reconnection and allowance, given visualized form in my mind.

Edited September 22 by BlueOak