Manuel's Journal - Spiritual Wok / Emotional Healing / Financial Freedom & more

[manuel bon]

🟤 Quote by Osho: Nonjudgment

When you judge, division starts.

You may be talking in deep conversation with a friend when suddenly you feel like being silent. You want to stop talking. right in the middle of the sentence. So stop right there, and don't even complete the rest of the sentence, because that will be going against nature.

But then judgment comes in. You feel embarrassed about what others will think if you suddenly stop talking in the middle of a sentence. If you suddenly become silent they will not understand, so you somehow manage to complete the sentence. You pretend to show interest, and then you finally escape. That is very costly, and there is no need to do it. Just say that conversation is not coming to you now. You can ask to be excused, and be silent.

For a few days perhaps it will be a little troublesome, but by and by people will begin to understand. Don't judge yourself about why you became silent; don't tell yourself that it is not good. Everything is good! In deep acceptance, everything be- comes a blessing. This is how it happened your whole being wanted to be silent. So follow it. Just become a shadow to your totality, and wherever it goes you have to follow because there is no other goal. You will begin to feel a tremendous relaxation surrounding you.

[manuel bon]

🟠30-day Microdosing Journal:  (no-dose, and dose day)

Okay, so now I will talk about my microdosing, about the 6th and the 7th day, Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday was no dose day, and Wednesday was a dose day, and on Tuesday I was not feeling good. I was not feeling good emotionally, I didn't manage to have a mindful day, and my awareness was not so focused, which is fine, it's not a problem.

And yesterday, with the dose day, thanks to the microdosing I managed to be more mindful. I had moments where I was full into the moment, and that was actually really good, but I couldn't keep a steady or light awareness, as Osho says, throughout the whole day. I am not working on myself a lot, I am doing a little stretching, and sometimes writing about gratefulness, but I am not doing great, talking about that. I am doing good, speaking of investing money, which is also part of my journey that I want to learn, but apart from this, things are not going so well.

[manuel bon]

🟤 Quote by Osho: The Real Robbers

There is nothing to fear because we don't have anything to lose. All that can be robbed from you is not worthwhile, so why fear, why suspect, why doubt?

These are the real robbers: doubt, suspicion, fear. They destroy your very possibility of celebration. So while on earth, celebrate the earth. While this moment lasts, enjoy it to the very core. Because of fear we miss many things. Because of fear we cannot love, or even if we love, it is always half-hearted, it is always so-so. It is always up to a certain extent and not beyond that. We always come to a point beyond which we are afraid, so we get stuck there. We cannot move deeply into friendship because of fear. We cannot pray deeply because of fear.

Be conscious but never be cautious. The distinction is very subtle. Consciousness is not rooted in fear. Caution is rooted in fear. One is cautious so that one might never go wrong, but then one cannot go very far. The very fear will not allow you to investigate new lifestyles, new channels for your energy, new directions, new lands. You will always tread the same path again and again, shuttling backward and forward-like a freight train!

[manuel bon]

🟠30-day Microdosing Journal: DAY #9 and #10 (dose day and no dose)

Yesterday I dosed, and it was not an extremely great day. I went to work in the morning, and I was mindful in some moments, but not a lot. I was working, and I had fun. I didn't feel much of the truffles. And after work I came home, I taught guitar, I had a lesson with a student, and after that I went straight to my bed, eating and watching Netflix. It was not great.

I felt really addicted to my dopamine. I was constantly looking at my investments. I am new to investing, and I made a lot of money this week, and then at the end I lost it all. I am not in negative right now, I am not in negative, so I didn't lose money, I lost just the profit, which is still not nice at all. But it's okay. What I want to say is that I really feel that I am addicted to stimulation, to dopamine. And yesterday after picking up my girlfriend Sara at a train station in another city, we went home, we had dinner, and I had a couple of more mindful moments, but not much.

Today I am really limiting my stimulation. I am not watching anything, I didn't drink any coffee or eat bad things. I have practiced really mindfully, and I am feeling good about it. The only downside is that I am doing some work from my laptop, which I feel is still stimulating my brain, and my dopamine, which I don't love, but still it's not a problem. I am not procrastinating, and I am not watching useless things. I am actually working.

[manuel bon]

🟤 Quote by Osho: Orgasm

There are moments, a few moments, far and few between, when ego disappears because you are in such a total drunkenness. In love it sometimes happens; in orgasm it sometimes happens.

In deep orgasm your history disappears, your past recedes, goes on receding, receding, and disappears. You don't have any history in orgasm, you don't have any past, you don't have any mind, you don't have any autobiography. You are utterly here now. You don't know who you are, you don't have any identity. In that moment the ego is not functioning, hence the joy of orgasm, the refreshing quality of it, the rejuvenation of it. That's why it leaves you so silent, so quiet, so relaxed, so fulfilled. But again the ego comes in, the past enters and encroaches on the present. Again history starts functioning and you stop functioning. The ego is your history, it is not a reality. And it is your enemy; the ego is the enemy.

Every person comes around this corner many times in life, because life moves in a circle. Again and again we come to the same point, but because of fear we escape from it. Otherwise the ego is a falsity. In fact, to let it die should be the easiest thing and to keep it alive should be the hardest thing, but we keep it alive and we think it is easier.

[manuel bon]

🟠 How am I doing lately?

I'm again I started writing in this journal again. I want to make it a habit, do it daily. I want to do it for myself, I want to do it to feel better, grow, and learn. 

It's been some difficult months, emotionally speaking, and I am struggling a bit in general. I feel I am changing, and it makes me reflect.

Before summer 2024, I was all about selflessness, meditation, calmness, and this kind of living. I didn't think about money, I was almost fully in the green stage of SD (at least this is how I felt). I didn't judge people, didn't like gossip, trying to be good with people. A negative thing was that I was smoking a lot of weed, sometimes even daily. I love weed, but I understood that it's not good for me, I would not let myself feel the emotions I had, and it harms the body. 

Now I see, that after that, I went back to stage orange. Well, actually maybe I never was in that stage fully, since I'm still a student, and I never made money, and didn't live life "as an adult". I started investing, I want to start a business, and make lots of money. But I see that the way I act and the way I am is not the same as before. I talked about this with my girlfriend, and she said that I can be at this stage, think about starting a business and making money, but my values can still be the same from last year. I can still meditate, not complain and judge, not gossip, etc. 

And that's true, I agree with her, but I am scared because I don't feel like before. I know things change, our body and mind are different every day and change, but I don't want to feel the way I feel. 

I decided to start a business while I'm still a student, I want to teach meditation and mindfulness to musicians, since I know that these practices are not taught or known a lot in this world. I started an Instagram account and a website, offering coaching and guitar lessons (I am a certified meditation teacher, finished my bachelor's degree in classical guitar, and am currently doing the master's, with my thesis about this topic). I am happy because this is a more conscious business in my opinion, but I don't know how to scale it. I don't have customers yet, I have under 100 followers on Instagram, and the ones I got are only because I spent 20€ in advertising a post. I feel I'm just starting out, but hopefully this can be something great.

Edited March 4 by manuel bon

[manuel bon]

⚫ Dad

I'm tired of this family situation. I'm tired of having a mentally injured father. He's not my father anymore. I'm tired, sick, sad, and depressed. It's tough and I want this story to end. It's giving too much difficulty and pain to my mom, and everyone around him.

[manuel bon]

⚫ Dad

Today dad is okay. He is doing good physiotherapy properly, but he looks depressed. I understand he's tired, but he has to do, otherwise there's no future for him, and especially my mom.

[manuel bon]

I'm glad I'm practicing guitar properly, although my forearms hurt a bit. 

I'm getting back on track, I'm practicing difficult passages for a duo (flute & guitar), but it's not ready yet. I'm far from ready. But it's gonna be good. I need to be dedicated. This afternoon I'll make a schedule for this month - I want to:

1. Meditate 30 minutes a day when I wake up
2. Stretch at least 10 minutes in the morning 
3. Workout daily 
4. Practice properly and mindfully (at least 2h a day - the goal is 3 mindful hours - when I work it can vary)
5. Schedule Instagram posts for growth, and my newsletter
6. Work on growing my business in as many ways as possible
7. Journal daily
8. Read at least a page per day (I can start fiction books to relax)
9. Let go of small addictions - dopamine 
10. Work on life purpose
11. Work on business ideas
12. Be kind to myself 
13. Keep being mindful through the day
14. Learn to be selfless 
15. Go out, meet people and be more social
16. Live life more, explore and learn new things, do new activities 
17. Let myself rest

Edited March 5 by manuel bon

[manuel bon]

It's time for me to take life in my hands. 

I want to be more proactive.

I need to be productive but let myself rest, and not overdo.

I have to accept that I don't feel good every day, and that I can't be motivated always and every day. I have to learn to be more understanding and compassionate. Towards myself and others.

[manuel bon]

Today was a good day emotionally speaking. 

I am scared that in my life I'll let myself be complacent, and fall into social constructs and ideologies, because that's the easiest to do. Just let myself live the way everyone does, and not actually be able to detach from all that.

I'm scared because it's difficult.

I'm scared because nobody around me or close to me wants to do this kind of work.

But I have to do it, I want to!

[manuel bon]

Today I did 20 (out of the 30) minutes of Chakra Suddhi meditation. I really didn't like it. I was distracted, and I thought about how silly this guided meditation was. I am aware of the fast that meditation should be about letting go, accepting the present moment, but since I am not the most experienced meditator, it was difficult not to judge, and be able to focus, or not overthink the ridiculous meditation. If I have more space alone today I will do another one.

[manuel bon]

🟢 Meditation

Today I meditated for 30 minutes. I did a guided Soha Ajapa Japa. It was the first time, and I liked it, but nothing special. So far I prefer the simplest meditation, the Kayotsarg. Simple body scan and focus on the body. Maybe I say like that because in this one I can let my mind wander more, and the others I need to focus more. 

For now, I am going through a list of guided meditations, which I will end mid next week. Then i will choose the one I prefer the most and stick to it.

[manuel bon]

I am happy. I am meditating every day again, and I really feel the effects through the day(s). I want to keep this practice and slowly build it up and do more spiritual practices (like holotropic breath, and more).

I want to improve with my daily mindfulness, and stick better to the exercises from Eckart Tolle.

[manuel bon]

Dad was very good yesterday, and looks like today is gonna be a good day. Yesterday in the evening, it almost looked like my real dad came back. That's great, it would be amazing if he'd have these moments more often.

[manuel bon]

I've been drinking lots of water and doing exercise daily. When I go back to the Netherlands I will start going to the gym with my girlfriend. I'm motivated!

The key is keeping these practices also when feeling down.

[manuel bon]

🟢 Meditation

Today I did around 35 minutes of guided Prana Darshan meditation. It was nice, but I didn't love it. As I said yesterday, I have preferred simple body scans until now. It gives me more physical relaxation, and I feel like it's a deeper meditation.

[manuel bon]

Yesterday, dad was very good, he was normal mentally speaking. I was happy and surprised. But then in the night something changed, and he became again the same old disabled person, and he disturbed everybody's sleep. I felt bad for my mom who has to sleep with him always (for emotional reasons - not only for him, but also for herself -, but also for safety reasons - if he stands up in the night he might fall or hurt himself), but still, when he acts like yesterday night, everyone wakes up cause he makes a lot of noise.

I didn't sleep much, but I feel rested, probably it's because of meditating (which is great).

[manuel bon]

I'm happy I'll go back to the Netherlands tomorrow, cause I'll finally live with my girlfriend. We will be sharing an apartment with another Spanish girl.

I feel this is a great new beginning for us! 

I miss her.

[manuel bon]

I am not feeling great right now.

I am back in the Netherlands, and I'm back to the old relationship "problems".

Every time my girlfriend and I are apart for some time, when we meet again she feels weird. She knows we are in a relationship, why she likes me and why we are together, but somehow feels like I'm a stranger. This feeling lasts for a couple of hours, or one day, then it fades away and it passes. 

I always support her with everything and try to give her a lot of space, but she feels like she becomes trapped in a cage, where she doesn't have space to organize the way she wants, eat the way and what she wants, and more. We talked a lot about everything, and it looks like it is in her mind, since I always let her do whatever she wants.

She is Spanish and I'm Italian, we live in the Netherlands, I will have to go back to Italy after my Master to help my mom with my dad, and she wants to work in an orchestra. Since it's very difficult to win a place in orchestras, it's very probable for us to be in a long distance relationship in the future, or even not be able to be together, since we wouldn't know when we can be together. I am more grounded and live in the moment, and try to think of what we have now, not of what we will not have in the future. But she is very paranoid, anxious, and overthinks a lot. 

This aspect is present in many aspects in our relationship, also when it comes to sex. I am not going into detail because it's very personal for her; for me it's important to have a healthy sexual relationship, it's important to simply have one.

I feel like I try to adjust myself more in this relationship, and I am the one who thinks more about the other's wellbeing and safety. I am not saying that she doesn't do it, but she's kind of complicated and sometimes childish for some things. I accept her the way she is, and I want her to feel good. What I am tired of, is feeling like I am the one who always has something to teach, or to take care of her.