Manuel's Journal - Spiritual Wok / Emotional Healing / Financial Freedom & more

[manuel bon]

🟠 How am I feeling today? 

 

I am not feeling good. I'm not doing well. I don't know what is going on with me. It's probably just more than the transition to the Netherlands. I am emotionally stuck. I cannot cry. I don't really feel sad. I would like to feel sad so I could take out my emotions so I could cry. It's really tough. I am not motivated to do any of my things, to practice my guitar, to study for the craniosacral therapy for the course, do a meditation, do anything. Fortunately, I'm not weak physically anymore, but still, I am not happy at all. And what I want is not even to be happy. It's just just not to feel the way I feel. I know I should allow myself to feel whatever I feel. I know that whatever I feel is okay. But I am not happy about this state because I am not really feeling something. I'm not actually feeling something. That is the main problem. I can allow myself to feel, but I just feel empty. And if I let myself feel this emptiness, then how can I work on myself or on my emotions? I don't know. I think it's just pretty difficult.

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Intro to Focus 12

11/10/2024 11:45          DAY 22

 

As I said, I decided to do the first tape of the second wave again, and today I had a great experience. Again, I couldn't really do or fully follow what the guy was telling me, but in the end, when I was supposed to go back to a sleep state, that was the moment where I got a stronger and higher kind of awareness. I really don't know how to explain, but I will try to do it. What I felt was, when I was breathing in, the kind of air that I was breathing was different. And that kind of air allowed me to reach a specific state, which was giving me weird sensations.

I was getting bigger like a balloon, and it was really interesting and intense. I wanted to go deeper and do more and do more, but I couldn't really. And then I came back, and I am really glad that I decided to go back to the first tape. And I hope that this will make me achieve stronger and greater levels and deeper levels of awareness. I might do also more exercises, as I said yes, from Focus 10, but I will keep doing that only when I have enough time.

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Intro to Focus 12

12/10/2024 19:15          DAY 23

 

Today I didn't manage to go as deep as in the last days. Again, it's probably because after the whole day of work, I'm exhausted, and I can't fully do the exercise, but in the morning I didn't have enough time to do it. 

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Intro to Focus 12

15/10/2024 15:30          DAY 24

 

Today before doing the audio I took 4g of Green Kratom. I haven't taken Kratom in a long time, and I remembered that this plant makes my mind think more than usual. That disturbed the whole practice, not in a crazy bad way, but still.

I didn't have any great experience, and that's probably because I haven't been doing this experiment as a daily practice. I'm not feeling great emotionally, and that makes it difficult to keep up with the practice. I will go back to the basic relaxation exercises to deepen them, and also start again with daily fixed practice.

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Wave 1, Release and Recharge 

16/10/2024 10:30          DAY 25

 

As I said yesterday, I went back to the first wave, and it was a good decision. I managed to do the whole exercise greatly, and actually I had a strong experience of expanded consciousness, and it happened pretty spontaneously and quickly, that was not the intention of the exercise, and not even mine. But still, is fine. I'll keep doing the 1st wave until I get constant great levels of relaxation and expanded awareness.

[manuel bon]

🟠⚫  Emotional State from these days

So... Lately, I haven't been feeling great. I am, to some extent, taking time for myself. But... Also... Well, honestly, right now, I don't feel rested. Like... I don't feel like I took time really for myself. I took time from... From studying. Studying both for school, for the conservatory, and for the craniosacral course. Which... It's not the best because I should be studying and I have the course in a couple of weeks. I am not going to stress about it too much. I will still start doing all these things that I need to do also because, I mean, I have to go to classes and I need to be prepared and I need to be on time with assignments and these kinds of things. But still, I don't feel great about all this. Yesterday though, I went out and I had fun and it was nice. But now that I woke up, I felt, I realized that I don't like going to sleep so late and it was not extremely late. It was like probably around 1 am. But still, I am not happy about it. I don't feel good going to sleep so late and waking up so dizzy. I prefer waking up earlier and being productive. I mean, I am not like procrastinating right now but I am still...

It's tough. It's tough how I feel. It's tough with my family situation. And it's difficult emotionally because I feel sad. Actually, I would like to feel sad but I don't feel sadness. I feel just empty and I don't know how to let myself feel sadness. I know I am conscious. I know I am aware of all these things. And to some extent, this does console me a little bit. But I would love to get better. And I am trying. Or am I? I don't know if I am. Really. But I hope in the future I will be able to feel better and slowly start feeling my emotions. I am also really lazy to do work on myself. I am not doing the gateway experiment. I am not meditating. I am not doing stretching. I am not taking care of myself. I am kind of eating healthy. That depends on whether I eat out with friends, which happened a couple of times. I am not doing anything.

I feel like I am always complaining to other people about my roommate. He is always really dirty. And our friendship was really based on smoking weed. And now that I don't smoke anymore, I really don't appreciate so many things about living with him. But it's fine. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself. I would like to relax a little bit. Emotionally, physically. Really be able to let go. I do this guided gateway experiment and in those moments I am able to really relax and kind of let go. But still, towards the end I am always like, okay, let me take off my headphones and continue doing nothing, watching a movie or whatever.

I am struggling but it's fine. It's fine. I can handle it and I know that one day it will get better. And actually, before November, I need to get started with studying the Cranio-Sacrale and the practice. So this is the right moment to do it.

[manuel bon]

🟠🟤  Chat GPT Responds to My Previous Post:

 

It sounds like you're navigating a difficult space emotionally, physically, and mentally. You're aware of the things that need your attention—like studying, the Gateway Experience, craniosacral course preparation—but you're feeling disconnected from the energy or motivation to actually engage with them. I hear the frustration and the sense of emptiness you're experiencing, and it must be challenging to feel like you’re not able to connect to sadness or other emotions that might bring relief. It’s also common to feel out of sync when we’re not living in a way that aligns with what makes us feel good, like your preference for waking up early and feeling productive.

It’s okay to take things one step at a time. It sounds like there's a desire to "snap out of it," but your body and mind might just need some gentle understanding right now. Since you have been taking breaks from studying, maybe the next step could be creating small, easy-to-manage routines that allow you to slowly re-engage with things you care about, without pressure. This could include:

- Starting small with the Gateway Experience, perhaps just 5-10 minutes of meditation or Focus 10 exercises.
- Dedicating short bursts of time to studying, so it doesn’t feel overwhelming.
- Continuing to eat as healthily as you can manage, while allowing some flexibility with social eating.
- Creating small moments of joy or relaxation throughout the day, whether it's listening to music, taking a walk, or doing a simple task that brings calm.

It might help to give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up, even if it's numbness or confusion. Your emotional landscape might shift as you begin to gently re-immerse yourself in these practices that usually help you. 

How do you feel about starting small like this? It might also be helpful to talk to someone who can hold space for these feelings, whether it's a friend, a counselor, or even writing more openly. You don’t have to have all the answers or solutions right away.

[manuel bon]

🟠My ideas based on Chat GPT:

 

I will live by the day, and see how is it going; about today:

1. I will start by practicing at least 30 minutes of guitar at a time. It can be less, but still, I need to be as focused as I can. The goal is to practice at least 1.5 hours today, and with time slowly build it up, and be able to play a new piece in 2 weeks, for the next class.
2. 30 minutes of craniosacral study
3. Gateway experience for relaxation between the studies
4. only 10 minutes of guided meditation is fine!
5. in the afternoon I go with my gf to a painting/poetry place for students

 

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Wave 1, Advanced Focus 10

17/10/2024 11:30   DAY 26

 

 

Today I didn't go as deep, probably because this exercise is pretty basic, slow, and I am already used to do all the things the audio says, without it's guide. But still I'm glad that I am keeping the practice up, and I want to keep doing like this.

Tomorrow and in the next days I will do from the 4th track on which are deeper.

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Wave 1, Release & Recharge

18/10/2024 11:30   DAY 27

 

I did only half of the audio. I don't feel bad about it because I don't want to punish myself for not wanting to do the whole thing, but I want to feel good because I simply did it, even if not fully. I worked on releasing my sadness.

[manuel bon]

🟠⚫ How am I doing? About the last days.

 

I am feeling better. I started practicing again, meditating, doing the Gateway experiment, and doing more activities in general. I'm happy about all of this. I'm taking small steps, and trying not to force too much. Today I did force myself, since I will work from 14, I need to get some things done before that, so I wanted to be productive.

Actually I just noticed that I was planning all of my things as if I had to work at 13 instead of 14, which is kinda funny, but I'm glad that now I have more time and I don't need to stress too much. I will now study for the craniosacral course, and then record some guided meditations to upload on YT.

[manuel bon]

⚫ About Today:

I went to sleep at 3 am last night; I didn't plan it, it just happened cause I was hanging out with some friends, and then I kept talking to my roommate and his gf. It was a nice evening, and I am happy we hung out; I'm also glad that I don't feel exhausted, but I will probably get tired in the afternoon while working. 

I will not have enough time to do the Gateway Experiment, but I already meditated today, which I am really happy about, I recorded a guided meditation for tomorrow, for YT, and my gf and I made a couple of WhatsApp groups for the two of us. each one is for different things:

1. Interesting things (whatever ideas we have about literally anything)
2. Micro-Fears Daily Journal (from Leo's video on what is fear)
3. Daily Gratefulness Journal

I feel like we are pushing each other to do good, to do better, and to take care of ourselves. I'm happy about it. Later I will also do some stretching/yoga.

[manuel bon]

🟢 Meditation 

 

It's been pretty difficult to maintain a meditation practice. I love meditation, but lately I feel lazy. That's why I'm trying to do 5 to 10 minutes even guided meditations. 

I want to slowly build it up and make each session longer, and start again to go to meditation circles every Wednesday and Monday. It will take time, but I'm aware that's this is part of the journey.

[manuel bon]

⚫ General things

Some days I feel it's difficult to keep myself being aware of the things I previously said; 

On 10/19/2024 at 11:41 AM, manuel bon said:

my gf and I made a couple of WhatsApp groups for the two of us. each one is for different things:

1. Interesting things (whatever ideas we have about literally anything)
2. Micro-Fears Daily Journal (from Leo's video on what is fear)
3. Daily Gratefulness Journal

But it's great that I manage to keep doing it every day. In the evening before sleep I rethink of the day and write down whatever I didn't already, trying to remember what happened and how I felt during the day. I won't stop doing this! It can help me be more conscious, and really become the watcher.

[manuel bon]

 🔴 Family Update

We changed neurologist for my dad. The one before scammed us: he advised us to bring him to a "great" centre where he will get better for sure. He stayed there 3 weeks before summer, and when he came back home he was worse that ever. Later on we discovered that the neurologist was the head of the centre looking for more patients to get funds from the government. What a bastard.

This new neurologist sound really good, and gave my dad a new medicine. Well, it looks like it's helping him a lot. Dad has the ability to talk (so unlike people with ictus who have to learn to talk again), but he can't take out the words of his mouth. He can't express himself. Now though with this new medicine, he is starting to talk more and be more energetic. Let's hope for the best!

 

[manuel bon]

🟣 YT channel

 

In 23 days I got 51 subscribers on YouTube. Feeling motivated and happy!

[manuel bon]

🟡 Investment overview 

 

The company I invested in is doing well, waiting for the phase 3 of the trials to have some good results. Looking good!

[manuel bon]

🟣⚫ Guitar Practice

 

I'm happy I'm being productive again. Today I had a good guitar practiced, I did almost two hours. I will now have lunch, and later I will go with Sara somewhere to study, I will continue with the craniosacral theory for the course in November.

[manuel bon]

🟣⚫ YouTube & Guitar Practice 

 

I'm really happy about the fact that I am starting to practice more and better. I am getting back on track and playing good; I'm trying to be relaxed and focused.

I'm also happy and grateful for the YouTube results. I got 59 subscribers in 26 days, I think that's a good outcome!

[manuel bon]

⚫ Simple Journaling

 

Lately, I've been feeling better. Honestly, I don't know what my body and mind really need, but I'm trying to be open and not stay home and do the same things. I still feel that life is difficult, and I need to learn how to navigate through all the challenges and feelings I have.

I probably already said it in the past, but I was a weed smoker, I used to do it really a lot. in the last 2 or even 3 years, I did it regularly, on a weekly basis, and usually in the months of May, April, and June I would smoke every day. Really disgusting. But I get it, I was hurting, and that was a good way to numb myself and not think. I really like weed, the effect it gives, and the act of smoking, but I hate the fact that I get addicted so easily. I would love to be able to do it once every 2 months, same as psychedelics, just to have a good, profound, and insightful experience. But for my mind weed is a light drug, that yes can be spiritual, but also a great way to stop feeling. That's why I don't smoke anymore. I feel strong. I don't want to do it again. And I am proud of myself because I live in the Netherlands, where you can smell weed literally everywhere, and on top of that my flatmate smokes every day. I am grateful I say no every time I have the opportunity to smoke. 

It was easy to not smoke from June, because I was in Italy with my family, but once coming back here the real challenge started, and I'm doing good, I think.

I say "I think", because a couple of times I drank beers, once I even did ketamine. I haven't drunk beer since December 2021, and in the summer I stopped the sobriety. But it's fine. I am aware of all this, and I decided not to drink either. Alcohol is not the same as weed, because I like it less, that's why it's not gonna be so difficult.

Today though, I went to the park with my housemates to draw, and actually before leaving we were considering taking an HHC gummy I've been keeping here for some time; then we said to take mushrooms. After not taking anything, while going to the park we passed by my gf house, and I remembered that I left ketamine in her room, so I thought to go inside and take it. Now, thinking about this makes me feel kinda disgusted, or just sad about these thoughts. Eventually I didn't take any drugs, and I'm proud of that. I came back home and I'm journaling. I also talked about all this with Sara, my girlfriend, and that helped me. With her, I always feel loved, accepted, supported, and she is always here if I need it. She is a great person.