Manuel's Journal - Spiritual Wok / Emotional Healing / Financial Freedom & more

[manuel bon]

🟠 How am I feeling today? 

 

I am not feeling good. I'm not doing well. I don't know what is going on with me. It's probably just more than the transition to the Netherlands. I am emotionally stuck. I cannot cry. I don't really feel sad. I would like to feel sad so I could take out my emotions so I could cry. It's really tough. I am not motivated to do any of my things, to practice my guitar, to study for the craniosacral therapy for the course, do a meditation, do anything. Fortunately, I'm not weak physically anymore, but still, I am not happy at all. And what I want is not even to be happy. It's just just not to feel the way I feel. I know I should allow myself to feel whatever I feel. I know that whatever I feel is okay. But I am not happy about this state because I am not really feeling something. I'm not actually feeling something. That is the main problem. I can allow myself to feel, but I just feel empty. And if I let myself feel this emptiness, then how can I work on myself or on my emotions? I don't know. I think it's just pretty difficult.

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Intro to Focus 12

11/10/2024 11:45          DAY 22

 

As I said, I decided to do the first tape of the second wave again, and today I had a great experience. Again, I couldn't really do or fully follow what the guy was telling me, but in the end, when I was supposed to go back to a sleep state, that was the moment where I got a stronger and higher kind of awareness. I really don't know how to explain, but I will try to do it. What I felt was, when I was breathing in, the kind of air that I was breathing was different. And that kind of air allowed me to reach a specific state, which was giving me weird sensations.

I was getting bigger like a balloon, and it was really interesting and intense. I wanted to go deeper and do more and do more, but I couldn't really. And then I came back, and I am really glad that I decided to go back to the first tape. And I hope that this will make me achieve stronger and greater levels and deeper levels of awareness. I might do also more exercises, as I said yes, from Focus 10, but I will keep doing that only when I have enough time.

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Intro to Focus 12

12/10/2024 19:15          DAY 23

 

Today I didn't manage to go as deep as in the last days. Again, it's probably because after the whole day of work, I'm exhausted, and I can't fully do the exercise, but in the morning I didn't have enough time to do it. 

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Intro to Focus 12

15/10/2024 15:30          DAY 24

 

Today before doing the audio I took 4g of Green Kratom. I haven't taken Kratom in a long time, and I remembered that this plant makes my mind think more than usual. That disturbed the whole practice, not in a crazy bad way, but still.

I didn't have any great experience, and that's probably because I haven't been doing this experiment as a daily practice. I'm not feeling great emotionally, and that makes it difficult to keep up with the practice. I will go back to the basic relaxation exercises to deepen them, and also start again with daily fixed practice.

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Wave 1, Release and Recharge 

16/10/2024 10:30          DAY 25

 

As I said yesterday, I went back to the first wave, and it was a good decision. I managed to do the whole exercise greatly, and actually I had a strong experience of expanded consciousness, and it happened pretty spontaneously and quickly, that was not the intention of the exercise, and not even mine. But still, is fine. I'll keep doing the 1st wave until I get constant great levels of relaxation and expanded awareness.

[manuel bon]

🟠⚫  Emotional State from these days

So... Lately, I haven't been feeling great. I am, to some extent, taking time for myself. But... Also... Well, honestly, right now, I don't feel rested. Like... I don't feel like I took time really for myself. I took time from... From studying. Studying both for school, for the conservatory, and for the craniosacral course. Which... It's not the best because I should be studying and I have the course in a couple of weeks. I am not going to stress about it too much. I will still start doing all these things that I need to do also because, I mean, I have to go to classes and I need to be prepared and I need to be on time with assignments and these kinds of things. But still, I don't feel great about all this. Yesterday though, I went out and I had fun and it was nice. But now that I woke up, I felt, I realized that I don't like going to sleep so late and it was not extremely late. It was like probably around 1 am. But still, I am not happy about it. I don't feel good going to sleep so late and waking up so dizzy. I prefer waking up earlier and being productive. I mean, I am not like procrastinating right now but I am still...

It's tough. It's tough how I feel. It's tough with my family situation. And it's difficult emotionally because I feel sad. Actually, I would like to feel sad but I don't feel sadness. I feel just empty and I don't know how to let myself feel sadness. I know I am conscious. I know I am aware of all these things. And to some extent, this does console me a little bit. But I would love to get better. And I am trying. Or am I? I don't know if I am. Really. But I hope in the future I will be able to feel better and slowly start feeling my emotions. I am also really lazy to do work on myself. I am not doing the gateway experiment. I am not meditating. I am not doing stretching. I am not taking care of myself. I am kind of eating healthy. That depends on whether I eat out with friends, which happened a couple of times. I am not doing anything.

I feel like I am always complaining to other people about my roommate. He is always really dirty. And our friendship was really based on smoking weed. And now that I don't smoke anymore, I really don't appreciate so many things about living with him. But it's fine. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself. I would like to relax a little bit. Emotionally, physically. Really be able to let go. I do this guided gateway experiment and in those moments I am able to really relax and kind of let go. But still, towards the end I am always like, okay, let me take off my headphones and continue doing nothing, watching a movie or whatever.

I am struggling but it's fine. It's fine. I can handle it and I know that one day it will get better. And actually, before November, I need to get started with studying the Cranio-Sacrale and the practice. So this is the right moment to do it.

[manuel bon]

🟠🟤  Chat GPT Responds to My Previous Post:

 

It sounds like you're navigating a difficult space emotionally, physically, and mentally. You're aware of the things that need your attention—like studying, the Gateway Experience, craniosacral course preparation—but you're feeling disconnected from the energy or motivation to actually engage with them. I hear the frustration and the sense of emptiness you're experiencing, and it must be challenging to feel like you’re not able to connect to sadness or other emotions that might bring relief. It’s also common to feel out of sync when we’re not living in a way that aligns with what makes us feel good, like your preference for waking up early and feeling productive.

It’s okay to take things one step at a time. It sounds like there's a desire to "snap out of it," but your body and mind might just need some gentle understanding right now. Since you have been taking breaks from studying, maybe the next step could be creating small, easy-to-manage routines that allow you to slowly re-engage with things you care about, without pressure. This could include:

- Starting small with the Gateway Experience, perhaps just 5-10 minutes of meditation or Focus 10 exercises.
- Dedicating short bursts of time to studying, so it doesn’t feel overwhelming.
- Continuing to eat as healthily as you can manage, while allowing some flexibility with social eating.
- Creating small moments of joy or relaxation throughout the day, whether it's listening to music, taking a walk, or doing a simple task that brings calm.

It might help to give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up, even if it's numbness or confusion. Your emotional landscape might shift as you begin to gently re-immerse yourself in these practices that usually help you. 

How do you feel about starting small like this? It might also be helpful to talk to someone who can hold space for these feelings, whether it's a friend, a counselor, or even writing more openly. You don’t have to have all the answers or solutions right away.

[manuel bon]

🟠My ideas based on Chat GPT:

 

I will live by the day, and see how is it going; about today:

1. I will start by practicing at least 30 minutes of guitar at a time. It can be less, but still, I need to be as focused as I can. The goal is to practice at least 1.5 hours today, and with time slowly build it up, and be able to play a new piece in 2 weeks, for the next class.
2. 30 minutes of craniosacral study
3. Gateway experience for relaxation between the studies
4. only 10 minutes of guided meditation is fine!
5. in the afternoon I go with my gf to a painting/poetry place for students

 

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Wave 1, Advanced Focus 10

17/10/2024 11:30   DAY 26

 

 

Today I didn't go as deep, probably because this exercise is pretty basic, slow, and I am already used to do all the things the audio says, without it's guide. But still I'm glad that I am keeping the practice up, and I want to keep doing like this.

Tomorrow and in the next days I will do from the 4th track on which are deeper.

[manuel bon]

🟢 GATEWAY EXPERIMENT - Wave 1, Release & Recharge

18/10/2024 11:30   DAY 27

 

I did only half of the audio. I don't feel bad about it because I don't want to punish myself for not wanting to do the whole thing, but I want to feel good because I simply did it, even if not fully. I worked on releasing my sadness.

[manuel bon]

🟠⚫ How am I doing? About the last days.

 

I am feeling better. I started practicing again, meditating, doing the Gateway experiment, and doing more activities in general. I'm happy about all of this. I'm taking small steps, and trying not to force too much. Today I did force myself, since I will work from 14, I need to get some things done before that, so I wanted to be productive.

Actually I just noticed that I was planning all of my things as if I had to work at 13 instead of 14, which is kinda funny, but I'm glad that now I have more time and I don't need to stress too much. I will now study for the craniosacral course, and then record some guided meditations to upload on YT.