The Akashic Records

[LambdaDelta]

As I seem to be rather forgetful lately, it feels appropriate to redirect the ever increasing flood of semi-refined insights and observations from my mind to a more reliable container. Aside from those, I'll post questions for contemplation, random trivia and similar content of interest, my ongoing experiments with research chemicals/psychedelics, changes/commitments I'm making, techniques I'm trying out or discovering, and so on. Basically, a blend between a journal and a blog, with no sugarcoating — however embarrassing or controversial things may turn out to be. Should anyone feels inclined to interact, that's welcome! 

Let the curtains rise...

[LambdaDelta]

Self-deception on psychedelics – Pseudo God-consciousness

A few days ago I had a trip on 5g of GT mushrooms after an uncharacteristically long break. The experience was polarizing to say the least, but in the end I'm glad I had it.

Prior to that I vaped some O-PCE, and didn't have a particular direction or intention, just wished to see what arises. Well, perhaps I was a little curious as to why I'd never encountered any entities. Knowing they're simply projections of my mind has made the entire concept redundant, but still. Sure enough, I'd soon meet some.

From the beginning the vibes were a little off. I was feeling a surge of energy within me, like I imagine a sudden Kundalini awakening would feel. I had no control of this, which is fine, but I brought a bucket for vomiting just in case.

Gradually the trip ramped up and I was transported to some looney-land in the 6th dimension. It was all very bizzare, the entities were doll-like. From the way they interacted, their day to day lives were fairly similar to humans. I was taken through hospital machines on a rollercoaster, it seemed as though the purity of my soul was being tested. Fail, and the trip turns nightmarish. That lasted for some amount of time and I passed in the end, but was somewhat shaken. In the background I was conscious that I was doing this to myself, but through the entire ordeal I was paralyzed, so it didn't feel like that.

Now the fun part starts. With the peak approaching, the holistic perception also got maxxed out. Only in this case it was a fake holism, taking dozens of relative truths I encountered during the last few months and synthesizing them into a grand narrative, seeing patterns where there are none. Everything clicked and it made so much sense. In fact it was so obvious I thought myself a fool for not seeing it sooner, and questioned whether everyone else on the path was already aware of it, with only me left in the dark till now. That was accompanied by a strong sense of deja vu, as if I'd grasped it all before but chose to forget because of how immense it was. I don't recall many elements right now, nor are they particularly relevant since it all turned out to be a dud, but in essence I thought I had discovered a human God mode, a cheat code to life that'd let me make money out of nothing, learn everything I wanted to in a matter of weeks, achieve near-impossible things with little effort, and so on. Plus some rather ridiculous bits of conspiratorial thinking. In retrospect, the issue was that I forgot to remove the ego from the equation, so the perception was warped, but not badly enough for me to notice right away, before it was too late.

The best lies have a sliver of truth in them though, so there was also an ineffable experience of absolute beauty and divine creativity. Just amazing, no words for how inspiring it was. From that lens, it was my best trip yet. With that accompaniment, it shifted into a higher gear.
Now I was dealing with the very laws of physics, time, creating human consciousness out of nothing, etc. I had a feeling it could go to an entirely new dimension of awakening if I only just looked at myself in the mirror and accepted the entirety of the universe, yet I was stalling on that, wanting to experience the creative mode some more, which was gradually beginning to weigh down on me, literally my legs got so weak I had to support myself on the bathroom sink to not fall down.

Time started to loop. As I was reconfiguring the universe in my mind, there was always this or that that I wanted to adjust, never settling on a single design, as I knew whatever I chose, there'd be no changing that later and nobody to blame but myself should something be lacking, so I'd reset it every time. It felt like I spent a very, very long time in that headspace.
Seemingly settling on something at last, the last change took place, a complete 180, towards what you might call a bad trip. I was locked into a mode of perception so neutral and bland it was sickening. Nothing alike the peaceful 'reality as it is' meditative state. It's difficult to describe, just that it was utterly devoid of creativity, imagination, individuality, artistry, and other such qualities, as though they were permanently stripped away. So static, so boring, so deterministic, so hollow. Whatever I did, clearly some wires got crossed wrong. I felt that I doomed myself and everyone else to this monstrous mode of being, and started to apologize repeatedly. This wouldn't subside for hours, I couldn't shake it off or fall asleep. The only available option now was death, to wipe it all away and return to a void of nothingness. For some reason I thought a medium dose of etizolam would kill me, so I took that, and eventually blacked out, taking a long nap.

To conclude, that was a multi-faceted, powerful, and humbling experience. Just what I needed after an extended break before diving even deeper. A reminder to not let the ego interfere, else you risk messing with things beyond your comprehension and ability. Had I possesed infinite intelligence then, I wouldn't have wanted to change anything, but that's not what happened. If you think ordinary self-deception is bad, wait till you're self-deceived on a psychedelic 
Well, that was fun!