The reason as to why I'm suffering is because I'm avoiding truth

[Husseinisdoingfine]

Read the post above for context.

In the above video, Leo talks about how the avoidance of truth leads to suffering. How most people, including myself especially, avoid the truth for decades. The result of this is a snowball effect, which creates a tangle of self-deception, fantasy, delusions, which are remedied by dysfunctional coping mechanisms. 

I listened to this and I immediately thought of myself. How is it that I could be so miserable and ineffective in as a student, all while denying that my defficiencies. Deluding and prevent myself from seeing the truth; that I'm not an academic, I'm not good at academics, and I will never be a hard scientist.

The video above, there's one part that really spoke to me. Timestamped at: 46:20

This part struck me like a bullet. Recently I returned to my unhealthy habit of smoking, and chronic internet usage. I deliberately do this to numb emotions I don't like feeling, in this case; guilt and shame.

I began smoking a pack a day, which I compulsively do to block any negative emotions and feelings from arising. I'm becoming worse with my internet usage, now staying up on my phone until midnight, because its an effective way to shut my mind down from experiencing negative emotions. 

Edit: Another timestamp which resonated with me was 48:43

Edited September 13 by Husseinisdoingfine

[Husseinisdoingfine]

I could see the warning signs since high school that Academics and mathematics was not for me. When all the other kids could answer the math and physics tests without studying, I would always have to hire a tutor, and still fail the test. I hired a tutor last semester, and still failed every calculus quiz. 

I was in denial of this truth, fooling myself that it was the education system's fault. 

Btw

New profile picture, I hope you all enjoy the new face reveal. 

[Ishanga]

Its Impossible to be in a state of Suffering, like You have been, and be in the Awareness of Truth. Truth in this context has nothing to do with words being spoken, social truth or facts of Life or something like Mathematics, Truth is the same as Reality, the Same as God, the same as Absolute, the same as Grand Intelligence, Shiva, Brahma and so forth...

Every aspect of what You are and are not (You have a Body/Mind, You are not it), is made up of Truth/Reality, the only things that prevents this is Your Free Will, which comes from the level of Conscious Awareness You are in at this very moment, you have to choose to have it, that is where the Free Will part comes in, Free Will is not about Control, having every aspect of Your Situational Life the way You want it, its about Choosing how to BE. 

So first Establish Your BEING, that is Your in Truth, then go out and DO,  then You will HAVE, never do it the opposite, that is first You DO then HAVE then BE, this is like what you were doing, going to School to have this or that then Be Something, it causes suffering as You know..

Looks like You are doing better, that is Good!

[Carl-Richard]

17 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

I could see the warning signs since high school that Academics and mathematics was not for me. When all the other kids could answer the math and physics tests without studying, I would always have to hire a tutor, and still fail the test. I hired a tutor last semester, and still failed every calculus quiz. 

I was in denial of this truth, fooling myself that it was the education system's fault. 

I also struggled with maths and physics in high school, but I was also struggling with pretty severe anxiety, which severely limits your cognitive functioning. After I mostly got rid of those problems (about a year or so after high school), my math and physics abilities improved (although it's also that my brain grew and I had gotten more practice).

But of course, I didn't end up pursuing maths or physics. You might have other gifts that you can use in academia.

Edited September 14 by Carl-Richard

[Davino]

@Husseinisdoingfine Relieved to see you are starting to get to the other side.

See you cannot heal in the same place that made you sick. University has beaten the life out of you. Now it's time for self love

 

 

 

[Husseinisdoingfine]

4 hours ago, Davino said:

University has beaten the life out of you. Now it's time for self love

Amen.

Not just university, but education.

When in high school, I was diagnosed with depression. I would wake up each day groggy and miserable (most likely due to the compulsive phone usage, which would keep me awake until midnight). I was angry and bitter, and diagnosed with depression.

Each day I would arrive and continue school with a scowl across my face, which would give me a headache. I was constantly late, constantly complaining, and yet I refused to accept that academics may not be right for me.

[Rigel]

Yeah suffering is your baby. You need to cuddle & kiss it every time it starts acting up or it’ll get louder & louder until you give it the love & attention it needs. And if you are anything like me, that means every single day.

[Meliodas]

19 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

I was in denial of this truth, fooling myself that it was the education system's fault. 

This is the most important realization of yours . Now you have opened the door to live happily . Happy Actualization

[Husseinisdoingfine]

This video as well really spoke to me.

Paying attention to my grades and being very serious about schooling was a survival strategy I adopted as a young boy.

My mother used to be very harsh towards me, and her harshness was always around schooling.

I have memories from when I used to attend elementary school of all the times she would shout at me. I vividly remember sitting with her, she was '''''''''''''''''helping''''''''''''''''' me do elementary school math homework. I was struggling to remember the concepts, as I had a sever issue with not paying attention and daydreaming away instead of focusing, so she grabbed the back of my head and slammed it into the math textbook several times. 

She would yell and curse at me very loudly for any academic failures and poor grades, and so getting good grades was the obsessive way for me to receive love in this situation.

 

[puporing]

@Husseinisdoingfine sounds like I was spot on about the root of the problems... If you were diagnosed with depression in high school then yeah there's something else going on besides just your "abilities".. at least one of your parents sounds very abusive from the little bit you're saying up there and I imagine not much progress has been made to "amend the relationship".

Fyi not facing truth can make you depressed but facing truth can also do that... 

The thing with this kind of situation you're in is it compounds, due to the lack of love in your family (that I infer from your posts), you experience more mental health problems (and or general health problems), and less success in things like school (relative to what you could achieve had you had a nurturing environment), and/or general life misdirections by "incompetent adults" to what you're not suited to, due to that you become even more anxious and depressed and probably experience also social problems, and then all of that invites potentially further abuse. 

I encourage you to not compare yourself with all of your peers right now that might make you feel inadequate. It sounds like you were not really allowed to discover what you really want to do or might be good at, or to take things slower.

So all of that can be a lot to think about... On top of trying to figure out how to be independent financially and whatnot.  

On the "bright side", you can catch up in terms of being more healed. I would recommend work and/or training that isn't too mentally demanding right now but would still put you on the path to things like moving out. That leaves more room for things like healing work and getting a handle on your mental health. And being more healed can then open more doors for more challenging careers if that's still your calling.

Edited September 16 by puporing

[Husseinisdoingfine]

@puporing Thanks for your support and help. 

I do definitely think that the "old school" parenting model that was applied to me was mostly ineffective, as it made me a mental wreck. Obsession over academics and grades has been the bane of my existence since I was a very young child, and it was I was never offered an alternative to succeeding in the world, the focus was always school.

I have a lot of healing to do, I had a (suicide) plan, materials, date marked on my calendar. I seriously think Leo saved my life, as I called the crisis hotline and instead of help I was bounced back and forth between different lines, because apparently I didn't call the correct one. 

[Husseinisdoingfine]

9 hours ago, puporing said:

 

I encourage you to not compare yourself with all of your peers right now that might make you feel inadequate. It sounds like you were not really allowed to discover what you really want to do or might be good at, or to take things slower.

Massive problem I face.

One way I would motivate myself was simply reading my classmates accomplishments, seeing what internships they got, what classes they were able to pass. If I saw someone I knew was doing better than me at more difficult classes, that would be the motive I needed to stop slacking off and get to work.

[Davino]

@Husseinisdoingfine

This one may come in handy also

 

Been thinking a lot about you these weeks. I'm really relieved you are in a more stable mood. We were both born in the same year, just saying you have all your life ahead of you. Your life, it's yours, that's God's gift, honour it, love it and make it worth it for you. Thank God Hussein is doing fine again

Lots of Love❤️

Davino

[Husseinisdoingfine]

37 minutes ago, Davino said:

 

Been thinking a lot about you these weeks. I'm really relieved you are in a more stable mood. We were both born in the same year, just saying you have all your life ahead of you. Your life, it's yours, that's God's gift, honour it, love it and make it worth it for you. Thank God Hussein is doing fine again

Lots of Love❤️

Davino

THANK YOU.

[puporing]

@Husseinisdoingfine You're welcome. Let's just say I've been in similar sort of shoes.. most kids don't become suicidal just for failing school.. I also had depression throughout highschool and university and it was all due to the stuff happening in my family. There was also once where because I was struggling so hard mentally that I failed a course for the first time, literally I knew the exact reason that it was because of my mental health and not the course difficulty in this case. And then the fact that my parents were also such that they wouldn't be able to hear this kind of news (eg, failing a single course) from me that made it even worse on my mental health. In hindsight it's all a terrible joke.. but while you're in that kind of environment you really feel like you have no other choice(s). 

So yeah I'm offering you a perspective from someone who's sorta been there (though not identical just very similar it seems) and I know what it's like to have your sense of self being dominated by your parents wishes and desires. 

9 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

I have a lot of healing to do, I had a (suicide) plan, materials, date marked on my calendar. I seriously think Leo saved my life, as I called the crisis hotline and instead of help I was bounced back and forth between different lines, because apparently I didn't call the correct one. 

I'm glad you are still here and trying to work things out. Sorry you had to go through that hoop.. maybe not all the lines are as reliable. Where I live the distress line is pretty darn good. I don't know if they care if you called from overseas but if you run out of options it's the Edmonton (Alberta), Canada Distress line just fyi. They have some really amazing people on there as far as I experienced.. 

9 hours ago, Husseinisdoingfine said:

One way I would motivate myself was simply reading my classmates accomplishments, seeing what internships they got, what classes they were able to pass. If I saw someone I knew was doing better than me at more difficult classes, that would be the motive I needed to stop slacking off and get to work.

I understand that. It's pretty easy to get caught up in all that. I would say if you can, carve out time to yourself like, silent time, where you're not influenced by your "peers", to figure out what you really want. It's just easy to get caught up in that herd mentality you know what I mean? 

Something else I can share that may or may not help you.. I kinda wish I took an "easy degree program" instead of the sciences, and therefore able to get a higher GPA. Coz most graduate programs that require a degree (non research based) don't care what degree you had or how difficult it was, they just look at the number. (And they certainly don't care about your family or mental health situation at the time..)

Edited September 17 by puporing