Dealing with Deep Stage Blue Family

[Ajax]

5 hours ago, shree said:

Seven years ago, I moved 1600 km away from my entire family and started my life from scratch, but sometimes it doesn’t feel far enough. After deep psychological and emotional work, I decided that cutting them off completely—no Skype, no calls—was a necessary step. The only person I kept in contact with was my mom, and she's almost fanatically involved in Christianity, deeply influenced by her Stage Blue surroundings.

 

After about three months of no contact, I decided to call her on Skype yesterday. We had some surface-level conversation at first, but then she subtly shifted into shaming and blaming me for not going to church, among other things. I'm 33 years old, but this still affects me, showing how deeply family roots can stay embedded in our psyche.

 

At my core, I’m currently at Stage Yellow, but I’m far from transcending my reactions to this fundamentalist BS. It triggers me hard, and I’m aware of that. I feel like I shift into Stage Red really quickly when she starts talking about church stuff, thinking: *I am Jesus Christ, Buddha and Allah themselves, leave me the fuck alone!* 

 

I know that I should remain grounded, but I haven't mastered the emotional storm this brings. Probably a complete cut-off is necessary. Has anyone else gone through something similar? I’m just looking for some understanding from people who’ve dealt with the same. How do you manage to not let these Stage Blue triggers pull you down from your center?

Being spiritual is being able to be exterior to the dualities of existence. And the compulsive need to prove yourself right, and not be wrong... is definitely one of the biggest problems and difficulties to be exterior to.

It's not just my and your "cross" to bear, but everyone as well.   Really contemplating that it is one of life's biggest traps that everyone is a "victim" of including myself.

It is helpful to understand and realize that everyone is "right" in their viewpoint. Ever heard the phrase, "whether you can or you can't... you are right?"  Any person can create millions of reasons to prove they are right... it is one of our natural abilities (infinate creation creates infinite "proof"). So, your mother is "right" just like you are "right" as well. 

So you are looking for someone to validate you and agree with you that you are right? Fine, you are right. You are completely and totally right. You have never been more right in your life. You are perfect, and everything that isn't perfect.. isn't you

 

That's unfulfilling isn't it?  I am not being sarcastic; I am being totally sincere. It is just you know God is no separation, but you want to feel justified in your decision to disconnect. Sorry but truth and force never mix... and whether I understand your suffering and validate it or not, you will still have that pain of separation "burning your soul". 

Though I am God... I cannot absolve you of your sins.  Only you can do that. 

Just get comfortable with the idea that you can be right... and everyone else can be right too and you don't have to be wrong because of this. (and like Leo said in the blog, you are wrong, and that is all right) Of course, as you read this, your drive for survival will scream at you, telling you how wrong this statement is... 

I am not going to judge you for how handle your family. Just know you are the harshest judge of yourself... Just keep practicing love, and go easy on yourself, ok?

 

LOVE

[El Zapato]

5 hours ago, shree said:

Thanks for sharing, it’s great that you found understanding with your brother. I’m still working through my own healing journey, and cutting ties feels like the right step for me right now. @El Zapato

Cool!

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, shree said:

Your attempt to psychoanalyze me is laughable.

Why

1 hour ago, shree said:

Trauma isn’t something people hold onto because they like it. It’s a painful experience that takes real effort to heal from, something you clearly don’t understand.

I understood.

You conceptualize "trauma" as a cyst that should be crushed even if it hurts.
That's wrong.

1 hour ago, shree said:

You act like you’re some kind of enlightened guru, but in reality, you’re just a kid behind a keyboard, probably living with your parents, trying to sound smart by tearing people down.

Maybe eheh.

Some people like Matt Khan or Ken Wilber was very spiritually advanced at a much younger age than me.
Am I going to see a 13 year old computer geek kid explain to me that he can't explain python to me because 'you're a kid, you live with your parents' lmao.
This is absolutely ridiculous, an ad personam (invented, because you don't know me) because you can't stand my blunt way of saying things and interpret it as aggression.

1 hour ago, shree said:

You talk about mental health, but your lack of empathy shows how little you really get it.

Both have nothing to do with each other ; And actually being "nice" doesn't make you an effective therapist.

1 hour ago, shree said:

Real healing doesn’t come from yelling at people or trying to scare them -

I did neither.

1 hour ago, shree said:

it comes from compassion and understanding,

 

which you clearly don’t have.

That's why I give you my time, but you prefer to see it as a help from people who please you.

1 hour ago, shree said:

From the way you respond to people, it’s clear you have your own insecurities -

Of course, you are one of my mirrors ; There are only messages for myself and if I am showing you it is certainly because there is still a part of me that would like to play what you do.

The only way, basically, to not have these insecurities is to be under general anesthesia.

1 hour ago, shree said:

likely a need to feel superior because deep down, you probably struggle with low self-worth.

You can't believe that there are men who talk like men, that is to say particularly direct and firm, and that it has nothing to do with crushing anyone.
I'm actually gentle compared to a number of guys I hang out with.

1 hour ago, shree said:

Instead of dealing with your own issues,

I basically don't have issues anymore, that's why I know what I'm talking about. 

1 hour ago, shree said:

you try to act tough online. But this isn’t helping anyone, especially not you.

I behave the same way irl and here.

1 hour ago, shree said:

I’m done with your BS. Time for you to take your ego trip elsewhere. Goodbye.

What you think of me doesn't matter, you can judge a tree by its fruits. 

 

[shree]

2 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Why

I understood.

You conceptualize "trauma" as a cyst that should be crushed even if it hurts.
That's wrong.

Maybe eheh.

Some people like Matt Khan or Ken Wilber was very spiritually advanced at a much younger age than me.
Am I going to see a 13 year old computer geek kid explain to me that he can't explain python to me because 'you're a kid, you live with your parents' lmao.
This is absolutely ridiculous, an ad personam (invented, because you don't know me) because you can't stand my blunt way of saying things and interpret it as aggression.

Both have nothing to do with each other ; And actually being "nice" doesn't make you an effective therapist.

I did neither.

That's why I give you my time, but you prefer to see it as a help from people who please you.

Of course, you are one of my mirrors ; There are only messages for myself and if I am showing you it is certainly because there is still a part of me that would like to play what you do.

The only way, basically, to not have these insecurities is to be under general anesthesia.

You can't believe that there are men who talk like men, that is to say particularly direct and firm, and that it has nothing to do with crushing anyone.
I'm actually gentle compared to a number of guys I hang out with.

I basically don't have issues anymore, that's why I know what I'm talking about. 

I behave the same way irl and here.

What you think of me doesn't matter, you can judge a tree by its fruits. 

 

Your attempt to psychoanalyze me is laughable, and here’s why: I’m not seeking guidance on healing trauma, especially not from someone like you. Your constant need to insert yourself into conversations with baseless confidence shows more about your insecurities than anything insightful. Confidence is not knowledge, and it certainly isn’t understanding.

You’re not Matt Kahn, you’re not Ken Wilber, and based on your behavior here, you’re not advanced in anything meaningful - just in trolling and passive-aggressive nonsense. You throw around big names and ideas to look smart, but all you do is reveal how little depth or understanding you actually have. I never said a therapist needs to be 'nice,' but let’s be clear- you’re not a therapist. You’re just someone who enjoys stirring the pot while offering little of substance.

You claim to be giving me your 'time,' but all you’re really doing is wasting mine. And as for your claim about being 'gentle,' I’m sure you’re the picture of gentleness as a 30kg boy in real life. You do have issues, and I’ve already pointed them out - you lack even the most basic level of self-reflection.

Take a step back and please, stop pretending you’ve got it all figured out.

 

You clearly don’t get the message - multiple people have told you to back off, but here you are, still wasting everyone’s time.

 

We’ve gone way off topic because of you. You’re on my ignore list from now on.

 

[shree]

3 hours ago, Ajax said:

Being spiritual is being able to be exterior to the dualities of existence. And the compulsive need to prove yourself right, and not be wrong... is definitely one of the biggest problems and difficulties to be exterior to.

It's not just my and your "cross" to bear, but everyone as well.   Really contemplating that it is one of life's biggest traps that everyone is a "victim" of including myself.

It is helpful to understand and realize that everyone is "right" in their viewpoint. Ever heard the phrase, "whether you can or you can't... you are right?"  Any person can create millions of reasons to prove they are right... it is one of our natural abilities (infinate creation creates infinite "proof"). So, your mother is "right" just like you are "right" as well. 

So you are looking for someone to validate you and agree with you that you are right? Fine, you are right. You are completely and totally right. You have never been more right in your life. You are perfect, and everything that isn't perfect.. isn't you

 

That's unfulfilling isn't it?  I am not being sarcastic; I am being totally sincere. It is just you know God is no separation, but you want to feel justified in your decision to disconnect. Sorry but truth and force never mix... and whether I understand your suffering and validate it or not, you will still have that pain of separation "burning your soul". 

Though I am God... I cannot absolve you of your sins.  Only you can do that. 

Just get comfortable with the idea that you can be right... and everyone else can be right too and you don't have to be wrong because of this. (and like Leo said in the blog, you are wrong, and that is all right) Of course, as you read this, your drive for survival will scream at you, telling you how wrong this statement is... 

I am not going to judge you for how handle your family. Just know you are the harshest judge of yourself... Just keep practicing love, and go easy on yourself, ok?

 

LOVE

@Ajax  I appreciate your perspective, and I understand what you’re saying about the trap of needing to be 'right.' I get that in theory, both sides can hold their own version of truth, but in reality, when one side’s 'truth' involves emotional manipulation or trying to push beliefs that have caused harm, it’s not so easy to just accept and move on.

My goal isn’t to be 'right' or to justify my decisions. I’ve älready made peace with those. It’s more about protecting my well-being and maintaining healthy boundaries. The pain of separation you mention isn’t about guilt for disconnecting. it’s about navigating the emotional residue that comes from years of manipulation and control. For me, practicing love sometimes means cutting ties when the relationship is doing more harm than good

[shree]

4 hours ago, manuel bon said:

Why then do you still want to be in touch with her? You had great courage to let go of the family (most people are not so strong to do so), then why not to let it go fully?

@manuel bon  Good question... Letting go of most of my family was clear-cut, but with my mother, I hoped for some kind of positive connection, even if small.

After this recent interaction, though, I’m realizing it might be time to fully let go, as even limited contact stirs up old wounds.

It’s not just about moving on, it’s about accepting that this relationship isn’t healthy, even in small doses.

[Ajax]

40 minutes ago, shree said:

@Ajax  I appreciate your perspective, and I understand what you’re saying about the trap of needing to be 'right.' I get that in theory, both sides can hold their own version of truth, but in reality, when one side’s 'truth' involves emotional manipulation or trying to push beliefs that have caused harm, it’s not so easy to just accept and move on.

My goal isn’t to be 'right' or to justify my decisions. I’ve älready made peace with those. It’s more about protecting my well-being and maintaining healthy boundaries. The pain of separation you mention isn’t about guilt for disconnecting. it’s about navigating the emotional residue that comes from years of manipulation and control. For me, practicing love sometimes means cutting ties when the relationship is doing more harm than good

To summarize.. your statement. “You are right, but here is why I am right for feeling/doing what I am doing/feeling/thinking… I have a right to feel this way because of what happened to me”

 

Power can be defined as the ability to maintain a position in space. To have a space, to have a path. You lose your power, when you consider that you can be knocked off your path… the feeling of being forces away from what you know damn well is true from you. The feeling that someone has power over you, that you can't control. 

Well, you can give up that power or surrender that power. When you do that, you are declaring that I am weak… I am effect and he/she is cause… I am weak, and they are strong. Then to prove yourself right, you look for reasons to confirm why this is so. And you always find what you were looking for… Someone has power over me, so I must avoid the pain.

Anything you can confront(face something comfortably and fully), you can handle. You can have. Anything that resists, persists and the less of you exists. Whatever you can confront, you can have… whatever you can’t/or prefer not to confront you want. What hurts you is the loss of Havingness.

 

Your justifications… sound good. They sound very, very good. And please keep them if they serve you. You decide your fate, and your life. Good Luck.  I honestly wish you the very, best.. and am sending you lots of love..

I sense you are a very good and beautiful person. And you are certainly right in your viewpoint. I see you as a caring and loving person, and I hope you continue to be the awesome person you are. You have a lot to contribute to the world, and don’t stop… keep going.

LOVE

JAX

Edited September 13 by Ajax

[shree]

@Ajax

 I appreciate your perspective, and I’ll assume you’re referring to higher states of awareness where we experience ourselves as infinite, creating hard shells like problems, traumas, and victim mentalities to keep ourselves in a lower state. I’ve touched on those experiences too, but for me, the real breakthrough came through deep emotional work, tapping into my worst emotions. That’s when I had my biggest awakening.

----

It’s not about holding onto pain or justifying anything. It’s about recognizing when certain relationships, even after experiencing very high levels of awareness, are no longer healthy. Cutting ties can be an act of self-love and protection, not weakness.

I appreciate your effort to show me parts where you think I might be blind, but I wasn’t looking for someone to 'fix' me here. I was seeking understanding and compassion from people who have gone through similar experiences.

 

Thanks for your kind words nonetheless. 

[shree]

I'm okay with this thread being locked now, if the moderator feels it's appropriate.

Thanks

[Schizophonia]

10 hours ago, shree said:

Your attempt to psychoanalyze me is laughable, and here’s why: I’m not seeking guidance on healing trauma, especially not from someone like you. Your constant need to insert yourself into conversations with baseless confidence shows more about your insecurities than anything insightful. Confidence is not knowledge, and it certainly isn’t understanding.

You’re not Matt Kahn, you’re not Ken Wilber, and based on your behavior here, you’re not advanced in anything meaningful - just in trolling and passive-aggressive nonsense. You throw around big names and ideas to look smart, but all you do is reveal how little depth or understanding you actually have. I never said a therapist needs to be 'nice,' but let’s be clear- you’re not a therapist. You’re just someone who enjoys stirring the pot while offering little of substance.

You claim to be giving me your 'time,' but all you’re really doing is wasting mine. And as for your claim about being 'gentle,' I’m sure you’re the picture of gentleness as a 30kg boy in real life. You do have issues, and I’ve already pointed them out - you lack even the most basic level of self-reflection.

Take a step back and please, stop pretending you’ve got it all figured out.

 

You clearly don’t get the message - multiple people have told you to back off, but here you are, still wasting everyone’s time.

 

We’ve gone way off topic because of you. You’re on my ignore list from now on.

 

I can’t respond anything to a such bad bitch comment that doesn’t contains anything tangible.

I wish you well. 

Edited September 14 by Schizophonia

[QVx]

It can be very difficult, and also a very long process with coming to terms with how you were conditioned in your younger years; especially when that conditioning has come from those who you loved most but yet still seek to oppress you.

Having experienced a similar situation to you, I approached it from a number of difficult and emotionally charged conversations with my mother.

The aim was to express my thoughts and feelings while listening to hers. It was extremely difficult but I’ve now been able to set an interim healthy boundary where we only speak every couple of months.

Obviously we will need to work towards repairing our relationship, if possible, but also accepting this may be as good as it gets.

If you would like to explore some of your thoughts and feelings then just @ me on this thread or message me privately.

My key piece of advice would be to understand what you’re really looking for in terms of your relationship with each other. It doesn’t have to be healthy in other people’s views, but it can be healthy within the sphere of your relationship.

[Ishanga]

On 9/13/2024 at 7:49 AM, shree said:

Seven years ago, I moved 1600 km away from my entire family and started my life from scratch, but sometimes it doesn’t feel far enough. After deep psychological and emotional work, I decided that cutting them off completely—no Skype, no calls—was a necessary step. The only person I kept in contact with was my mom, and she's almost fanatically involved in Christianity, deeply influenced by her Stage Blue surroundings.

 

After about three months of no contact, I decided to call her on Skype yesterday. We had some surface-level conversation at first, but then she subtly shifted into shaming and blaming me for not going to church, among other things. I'm 33 years old, but this still affects me, showing how deeply family roots can stay embedded in our psyche.

 

At my core, I’m currently at Stage Yellow, but I’m far from transcending my reactions to this fundamentalist BS. It triggers me hard, and I’m aware of that. I feel like I shift into Stage Red really quickly when she starts talking about church stuff, thinking: *I am Jesus Christ, Buddha and Allah themselves, leave me the fuck alone!* 

 

I know that I should remain grounded, but I haven't mastered the emotional storm this brings. Probably a complete cut-off is necessary. Has anyone else gone through something similar? I’m just looking for some understanding from people who’ve dealt with the same. How do you manage to not let these Stage Blue triggers pull you down from your center?

I haven't personally dealt with this, my parents have passed away, but I did have deep conversations with my Mother about Spirituality, she/we were brought up Lutheran, we went to church and such, but my Mom was probably more into it than the rest of the family, but we were not super religious ppl, but near the end of her life after deep discussion about Reality, she did start to question her beliefs about God and Religion and such..

For Your situation, Learn to make use of everything that happens to You as a way to Enhance or Improve the quality of Your life rather than letting it wound You, so reading Your posts, and other ones, try to look at it as Your Karma, Programing, Conditioned Memory/Unconscious aspects of Your self are coming to light, your emotional response is happening within You to tell You something, learn from it rather than react to it, find that space within You that is not Your emotions or reactions to what Your Mother says, this will give You a sense of space and with a space created You have a different perspective on things that are happening within You and/or around You, use it for empowerment!

Edited September 15 by Ishanga

[shree]

4 hours ago, QVx said:

It can be very difficult, and also a very long process with coming to terms with how you were conditioned in your younger years; especially when that conditioning has come from those who you loved most but yet still seek to oppress you.

Having experienced a similar situation to you, I approached it from a number of difficult and emotionally charged conversations with my mother.

The aim was to express my thoughts and feelings while listening to hers. It was extremely difficult but I’ve now been able to set an interim healthy boundary where we only speak every couple of months.

Obviously we will need to work towards repairing our relationship, if possible, but also accepting this may be as good as it gets.

If you would like to explore some of your thoughts and feelings then just @ me on this thread or message me privately.

My key piece of advice would be to understand what you’re really looking for in terms of your relationship with each other. It doesn’t have to be healthy in other people’s views, but it can be healthy within the sphere of your relationship.

@QVx

Finally, a post from someone who has been through similar things.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I also wanted to give her a chance to express how she feels in a peaceful way, so I could also share my authentic self. But in families like this, it feels like you’re stuck in a role they gave you long ago, and you're not allowed to show your true self. I realized that approach wouldn’t work. Like you, I came to the conclusion that maybe we could have contact every few months, but that kind of relationship feels superficial, and I have no interest in anything one-sided or shallow.

Psychologists with a lot of experience, both personally and with patients who have been through similar situations, often recommend cutting ties with toxic family members until you’ve healed. When you heal, you can reach a state where forgiveness comes naturally, and at that point, it may become possible to have a relationship with them that no longer negatively affects you or puts you back in the same toxic patterns.

That sounds like good advice. I want deep, authentic connections, and my last contact with her made me realize that we were never so far apart. So, I’ve pretty much decided to cut her off as well.

[shree]

4 hours ago, Ishanga said:

I haven't personally dealt with this, my parents have passed away, but I did have deep conversations with my Mother about Spirituality, she/we were brought up Lutheran, we went to church and such, but my Mom was probably more into it than the rest of the family, but we were not super religious ppl, but near the end of her life after deep discussion about Reality, she did start to question her beliefs about God and Religion and such..

For Your situation, Learn to make use of everything that happens to You as a way to Enhance or Improve the quality of Your life rather than letting it wound You, so reading Your posts, and other ones, try to look at it as Your Karma, Programing, Conditioned Memory/Unconscious aspects of Your self are coming to light, your emotional response is happening within You to tell You something, learn from it rather than react to it, find that space within You that is not Your emotions or reactions to what Your Mother says, this will give You a sense of space and with a space created You have a different perspective on things that are happening within You and/or around You, use it for empowerment!

Hi @Ishanga

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

Yes, I understand very well that behind every emotional response, there’s a clue. I haven’t reacted badly to it because I do somewhat understand her struggles. The problem arises when it starts affecting you in a toxic way, especially when you’re trying to heal from the damage caused by that same person - maybe indirectly or unconsciously, but the harm is still there.

It’s tough to maintain that balance of empathy and self-preservation, but I’m learning to prioritize my own healing without guilt.

[shree]

@Ajax

 

I’ve spent some time reflecting on your posts, and while they often sound spiritual and wise on the surface, it's clear that you’re avoiding dealing with the deeper emotional realities of the situations you're talking about. You offer statements that seem profound, but they come across more as a way to stay distant from the emotional truth, rather than engaging with it.

What I’m noticing is a pattern of spiritual bypassing ,using spirituality to avoid facing the deeper, harder emotional work. It think you’re more focused on sounding insightful than actually confronting the raw emotions and complex issues people are dealing with. This is more about keeping yourself safe from emotional vulnerability than it is about offering real, meaningful advice.

It’s a common defense mechanism: "staying at a higher level " to avoid the discomfort of facing what’s underneath. But what people need isn't lofty, detached wisdom , they need real, grounded engagement with the hard stuff. That’s where true growth happens.

I get that you’re trying to help in your own way, but if you really want to offer something useful, it’s time to stop avoiding the deeper emotional work and start dealing with the reality of the situation. No hard feelings,  just something to think  about..

 

But hey, I can tell you’re coming from a good place, and I appreciate the effort you’re putting in. You’ve clearly got your own way of seeing things, and that’s valuable in its own right. I can see you’re trying to share your wisdom and contribute, and that’s something I respect. Keep doing what you do, and who knows, we might all learn something from each other along the way.

Take care, and I’m sending you all the best. 

 

LOVE 

Marin