Dealing with Deep Stage Blue Family

[shree]

Seven years ago, I moved 1600 km away from my entire family and started my life from scratch, but sometimes it doesn’t feel far enough. After deep psychological and emotional work, I decided that cutting them off completely—no Skype, no calls—was a necessary step. The only person I kept in contact with was my mom, and she's almost fanatically involved in Christianity, deeply influenced by her Stage Blue surroundings.

 

After about three months of no contact, I decided to call her on Skype yesterday. We had some surface-level conversation at first, but then she subtly shifted into shaming and blaming me for not going to church, among other things. I'm 33 years old, but this still affects me, showing how deeply family roots can stay embedded in our psyche.

 

At my core, I’m currently at Stage Yellow, but I’m far from transcending my reactions to this fundamentalist BS. It triggers me hard, and I’m aware of that. I feel like I shift into Stage Red really quickly when she starts talking about church stuff, thinking: *I am Jesus Christ, Buddha and Allah themselves, leave me the fuck alone!* 

 

I know that I should remain grounded, but I haven't mastered the emotional storm this brings. Probably a complete cut-off is necessary. Has anyone else gone through something similar? I’m just looking for some understanding from people who’ve dealt with the same. How do you manage to not let these Stage Blue triggers pull you down from your center?

[Judy2]

7 minutes ago, shree said:

I know that I should remain grounded, but I haven't mastered the emotional storm this brings. Probably a complete cut-off is necessary. Has anyone else gone through something similar? I’m just looking for some understanding from people who’ve dealt with the same. How do you manage to not let these Stage Blue triggers pull you down from your center?

sometimes allowing the emotional storm to express is a lot more authentic than "staying grounded" and acting in ways that you think will look mature from some imaginary outside perspective.

[Buck Edwards]

@shree it's best to ignore what she says. Let it not impact you. Change the subject when she talks about religion. I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve more love. 

[shree]

9 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

sometimes allowing the emotional storm to express is a lot more authentic than "staying grounded" and acting in ways that you think will look mature from some imaginary outside perspective.

Staying grounded, for me, means staying true to what I genuinely feel in the moment, as long as it doesn't involve violence or direct insults that would be purely reactionary. For me, a grounded response can sometimes mean saying, "Go fuck yourself," when it feels authentic and aligns with my boundaries. So, yes, i fully agree with you!

[Judy2]

1 minute ago, shree said:

Staying grounded, for me, means staying true to what I genuinely feel in the moment, as long as it doesn't involve violence or direct insults that would be purely reactionary. For me, a grounded response can sometimes mean saying, "Go fuck yourself," when it feels authentic and aligns with my boundaries. So, yes, i fully agree with you!

yes, i agree.

then what is the "emotional storm" as opposed to "what i genuinely feel in the moment when i am grounded"? what qualifies this other emotional response that you consider to be inappropriate?

[shree]

13 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

@shree it's best to ignore what she says. Let it not impact you. Change the subject when she talks about religion. I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve more love. 

Her religious views deeply impacted my entire childhood and more, making it difficult to ignore. Instead of solely focusing on myself and my life purpose, I find myself actively working to repair the damage caused by her influence. It’s tough to overlook this when you're fully aware of how it has harmed you in the past.

[shree]

1 minute ago, Judy2 said:

yes, i agree.

then what is the "emotional storm" as opposed to "what i genuinely feel in the moment when i am grounded"? what qualifies this other emotional response that you consider to be inappropriate?

It's not so much about how I respond to her, but more about how she subtly triggers the deeply rooted feelings of shame and worthlessness that I’ve worked so hard to heal. It’s a constant battle to not let those old wounds resurface.

[El Zapato]

I'm curious, what is the origin of the color scheme going on here?  I'm somewhat familiar but not that much

[Judy2]

9 minutes ago, shree said:

It's not so much about how I respond to her, but more about how she subtly triggers the deeply rooted feelings of shame and worthlessness that I’ve worked so hard to heal. It’s a constant battle to not let those old wounds resurface.

yes i get that.

if you know how much of a battle it is, doesn't this help you understand how it must be for her though? 

[El Zapato]

38 minutes ago, shree said:

Seven years ago, I moved 1600 km away from my entire family and started my life from scratch, but sometimes it doesn’t feel far enough. After deep psychological and emotional work, I decided that cutting them off completely—no Skype, no calls—was a necessary step. The only person I kept in contact with was my mom, and she's almost fanatically involved in Christianity, deeply influenced by her Stage Blue surroundings.

 

After about three months of no contact, I decided to call her on Skype yesterday. We had some surface-level conversation at first, but then she subtly shifted into shaming and blaming me for not going to church, among other things. I'm 33 years old, but this still affects me, showing how deeply family roots can stay embedded in our psyche.

 

At my core, I’m currently at Stage Yellow, but I’m far from transcending my reactions to this fundamentalist BS. It triggers me hard, and I’m aware of that. I feel like I shift into Stage Red really quickly when she starts talking about church stuff, thinking: *I am Jesus Christ, Buddha and Allah themselves, leave me the fuck alone!* 

 

I know that I should remain grounded, but I haven't mastered the emotional storm this brings. Probably a complete cut-off is necessary. Has anyone else gone through something similar? I’m just looking for some understanding from people who’ve dealt with the same. How do you manage to not let these Stage Blue triggers pull you down from your center?

In my personal experience sometimes the most healthy thing you can do is just cut the ties.  Not an easy thing to do but it will happen naturally over time.  What helps is having 'other' family ties that align better with who you are.  It took me many years to understand my brother and my brother to understand me.  The change happened after we almost got into a physical knowdown drag out.  I was very ashamed of myself, but it eventually led to a true understanding.  We both changed, I grew up in the ways of lifestyle and he grew in wisdom and insight.  Things are great now.  I cut ties with our adoptive father after my daughter was born.  I never felt bad about it because I had a higher priority.

[shree]

5 minutes ago, El Zapato said:

I'm curious, what is the origin of the color scheme going on here?  I'm somewhat familiar but not that much

I am referring to Spiral Dynamics. Check out Leo´s videos on YouTube for more on this.

[El Zapato]

Just now, shree said:

I am referring to Spiral Dynamics. Check out Leo´s videos on YouTube for more on this.

Will do, thanks!

[shree]

15 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

yes i get that.

if you know how much of a battle it is, doesn't this help you understand how it must be for her though? 

Understanding her story doesn't help me, as I'm currently on my own healing journey. For every two steps I take forward, this BS sets  me one step back.

[shree]

14 minutes ago, El Zapato said:

In my personal experience sometimes the most healthy thing you can do is just cut the ties.  Not an easy thing to do but it will happen naturally over time.  What helps is having 'other' family ties that align better with who you are.  It took me many years to understand my brother and my brother to understand me.  The change happened after we almost got into a physical knowdown drag out.  I was very ashamed of myself, but it eventually led to a true understanding.  We both changed, I grew up in the ways of lifestyle and he grew in wisdom and insight.  Things are great now.  I cut ties with our adoptive father after my daughter was born.  I never felt bad about it because I had a higher priority.

Thanks for sharing, it’s great that you found understanding with your brother. I’m still working through my own healing journey, and cutting ties feels like the right step for me right now. @El Zapato

[Judy2]

@shree okay:)

[Schizophonia]

Seven years ago, I moved 1600 km away from my entire family and started my life from scratch, but sometimes it doesn’t feel far enough. After deep psychological and emotional work, I decided that cutting them off completely—no Skype, no calls—was a necessary step. The only person I kept in contact with was my mom, and she's almost fanatically involved in spiral dynamic, deeply influenced by her actualizers surroundings.

 

After about three months of no contact, I decided to call her on Skype yesterday. We had some surface-level conversation at first, but then she subtly shifted into shaming and blaming me for not involve into stage yellow, among other things. I'm 33 years old, but this still affects me, showing how deeply family roots can stay embedded in our psyche.

 

At my core, I’m currently an christian, but I’m far from transcending my reactions to this new age BS. It triggers me hard, and I’m aware of that. I feel like I shift into jesuit really quickly when she starts talking about Actualize stuff, thinking: *I am not Jesus Christ, Buddha and Allah themselves, leave me the fuck alone!* 

 

I know that I should remain grounded, but I haven't mastered the emotional storm this brings. Probably a complete cut-off is necessary. Has anyone else gone through something similar? I’m just looking for some understanding from people who’ve dealt with the same. How do you manage to not let these new age triggers pull you down from your center?

[Schizophonia]

Do you see that stamping yourself "stage yellow" doesn't change the fact that you're a stage blue who's having a tantrum and wants to cut ties with his family, because they don't agree with him on something; His mother because she just said in a slightly disappointed way on Skype "you're still not going to church? it's good though".

What is perceived "outside" is the projection of your being; what you are is the world that you are (perceive, to become dual again). For something to be transcended, it must be included.

Consciousness courses are the structure, not the content; You can be Christian and yellow; you can be New Age and red course.

I think you're some blue-collar asshole throwing a tantrum because his family is Christian and he thinks it's stupid.

Edited September 13 by Schizophonia

[manuel bon]

You should understand your mother's pov. I know it makes you angry, but telling you to go to church is an act of love. She wants the best for you, and in her mind being a Christian will help you and your life. She doesn't want to hurt you.

[shree]

@Schizophonia

 

I’ve faced serious emotional, physical, religious, and potentially sexual abuse, so I don’t feel the need to explain myself further. Your dismissive attitude and lack of empathy show that you're not respecting or understanding my journey.

This isn't a space for negativity or button-pushing, so I’d appreciate it if you refrain from commenting further.

 

Thanks for considering my request.

[shree]

39 minutes ago, manuel bon said:

I know it makes you angry, but telling you to go to church is an act of love.

It goes much deeper than this. I mentioned that as a very vague example. The real issue is about having a connection with the only family member I considered marginally safe, who is also being dismissive and emotionally abusive.