My real name is Reena Gerlach

[Buck Edwards]

I don't want to look beautiful anymore. And that's a huge liberating experience. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Maybe I also secretly pursue perfectionism. 

[Buck Edwards]

Maybe I should stop hiring old aged therapists. They can't connect with my young person problems. They are out of loop. They treat me like a kid. There is a huge age gap between me and my therapist. They are from another era of sorts. They didn't have internet in their times. My life revolves around the internet. This is modern life. They don't understand it. They don't understand that people make friends online. They don't understand social media because they never use it themselves. So it's annoying that they can't relate to my issues and problems. I have to keep repeating myself to be taken seriously. Like they don't understand my internet addiction. What's the point of such therapists who can't relate to what's being told to them? 

I should look for young therapists who understand the struggles of modern life and who are more relatable to me and who don't treat me like a kid.. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

What i lack is social confidence and social tact and that's obvious. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

My family voted for Kamala Harris a few days ago and it's pretty big given they are also voting for the first time. 

 

Edited November 2 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I woke up from a nightmare and felt uneasy. 

Contents of the nightmare - I visit Actualized org after a long time and it has completely changed. It has turned into a merchandise website. It is selling kitchen items and sports memorabilia. People discussing and playing video games on the site too. My mom bought a ready made popcorn maker from the site. I ask my mom - "seriously. You got that. That's not that great." I get upset that she did that. I'm also upset that the website turned into a video game. I was also offered a teaching job by two ladies of the website and I decline the offer. 

Interpretation - I think that I'm looking for a sense of security and things are changing fast which I'm not appreciating. I don't have a good relationship with my mom which is often reflected in my dreams and nightmares. I declined a job offer in the dream which means I don't agree with something or some lifestyle which I don't want. I'm seriously in disagreement with the world. 

[Buck Edwards]

I would love to play this game with my husband. It's such a fun family game. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about myself and my journey through life. 

One lesson I told myself was to not internalize things I hear and or see. It's mostly our own thoughts that impact us. 

Another aspect that impacts me hugely is being shamed. I mean it impacts everyone right but it impacts me rather disproportionately. 

So along with the multiple fears I stated earlier I also fear being shamed a lot. 

 

 

Edited November 3 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I switched my therapist once again 

 

My first therapist was Steven. He was too old and did not understand my needs and situation. He was just babbling his own philosophy. It sucks that we can't try them first. We already have to pay and find out later it's not a good fit. The next therapist was Simon. He was only slightly better than the first but he began treating me like a child and not taking my symptoms seriously. He went on to say how everything is labeled as a disorder these days. But I have serious and severe mental issues and I suffer a lot. I'm stuck in a rut. So for a therapist who claims 18 years of experience, it felt a bit odd for him to say that everything is a disorder when I'm genuinely suffering from disorders. I mean I don't want to hear that from a therapist who is trying to normalize everything, the job gets easier for him then, he has to treat nothing. I mean it's not even about treatment, what exactly is he gonna do than just talk like a friend. I have friends for that, I don't need a therapist for a casual chat. 

I switched to a younger therapist whose name is Chris. He has 3 years of experience so I will see how that goes. I found it hard to get an IFS therapist. 

[Buck Edwards]

Today I went for an early morning walk and spotted a cat. It took one look at me and ran away. Bad luck. Catty be mine! 

I clicked a picture of the cat. Cute one. 

[Buck Edwards]

Today is Sunday. Sunday is a fun day. 

November 3, 2024. 

[Buck Edwards]

Yesterday was a real fun day. 

 

Today.... Woke up early but don't remember the contents of the nightmares. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Goes for a morning walk. 

[Buck Edwards]

 

Today. 

[Buck Edwards]

 

Today I won a lot in the game. But sometimes I'm tired of playing it. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

How to stay away from people? 

I just don't know. I inevitably get sandwiched into people even when I don't like it. It's a painful situation to be in.. I will have to actively seek ways to be away from people as I can see that people's presence in my life is causing some real harm to my mental state. 

I feel like running away to the hills or some meditation retreat or travel to a very very remote place like a log cabin and just forget myself in nature. Not have to worry about how I present myself to people anymore. It's getting tiring. 

[Buck Edwards]

I have taken a firm decision that I'll stay away from people for the next few years of my life. I can't take it anymore. 

[Buck Edwards]

How to tune out people from your life? 

 

• First you have to be quite fortunate to achieve this, if you are stuck in a job around miserable people, that is hard luck. 
• Be closer to nature 
• Be more involved in art 
• Be around "salt of the earth" kind of people 
• Invoke the idea of "perfect love" 
• Listen to calming music and meditate 
• Have a gratefulness journal or do gratitude exercise 
• Stay close to animals and pets
• Read books 
• Read articles 
• Read news articles websites like New York Times to keep up with the latest stuff 
• Watch horror movies and comedy movies 
• Nurture your inner child
• Understand that every person has intrinsic value 
• Do shadow work and understand that you don't have to internalize people's opinions and egos. 
• Don't crave validation of any kind 
• Stay away from stage orange culture 
• Play video games 
• Cut off "competitive people" from your mind mentally. 

 

Edited November 4 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

These are just cursory ways to stay away from people. With time I will find better and deeper ways to avoid and stay away from people. Hopefully. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Woke up super early today.