My real name is Reena Gerlach

[Buck Edwards]

I wanted to celebrate today but I suffered very badly after throwing up. My intestines are still hurting. I cannot even move my body. 

[Buck Edwards]

It's early in the morning and I woke up with no nightmares. So that's good news for today. Yay. 

[Buck Edwards]

My husband is still asleep. And I woke up early. I have to plan this day to have the best of the festivities. 

[Buck Edwards]

I wanna do this to my husband.

 

[Buck Edwards]

Some posts on this forum are so disgusting, I can't read them. 

[Marcel]

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

I wanna do this to my husband.

 

That’ll be interesting.

You know 

Romp Romp 

[Marcel]

8 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

It's early in the morning and I woke up with no nightmares. So that's good news for today. Yay. 

❤️

Lets hope it stays like that, you’ve really had enough nightmares recently hun 

[Buck Edwards]

8 hours ago, Marcel said:

❤️

Lets hope it stays like that, you’ve really had enough nightmares recently hun 

Yep. 

[Buck Edwards]

Woke up early in the morning. But still had nightmares. It wasn't that bad though. 

[Buck Edwards]

I have a session with my therapist Simon in two hours. Feels nervous. 

It's Halloween on top. 

[Buck Edwards]

The session went well. 

[Buck Edwards]

Well I guess that's life. Life is just lost into something whether we like it or not. 

[Buck Edwards]

My mother is a compulsive talker and that upsets me a lot. 

[Buck Edwards]

So I woke up from a nightmare. 

Contents of the nightmare - I'm taking care of a lot of luggage. Lots of bags and boxes that I'm shuffling. Some contain valuable stuff. I am arguing with my mom. She has lost some of my stuff at her short hospital stay. I can see something in the sky. It's hovering like a large object. I have this sudden fear that it will fall on me. I am rushing somewhere. Along with my luggage I have three cats that are messing with it. I am scared that I will lose my cats and I want someone to watch over them. I have to cross the road. The middle crossing section of the road is empty. I can probably take my travel trolley and move some luggage to the middle section for security. So it won't be damaged. I'm trying but I seem to be running out of time. I want to cone to that middle section. Large trucks and huge vehicles are passing by. I'm just trying to breathe and relax because it's a boatload of luggage that I need to be moving quite quickly which seems like a quick ordeal to me. 

 

Dream interpretation - I think I have a lot of emotional baggage in life to sort through. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

My Diwali celebrations 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

My journal is my safe corner away from my family. This is where I don't feel judged. This is where I feel safe and heard. And also a bit more comfortable. Like a retreat. A place where I retire my emotions. I also develop an intimate relationship to my own journal. I know it sounds like a cope but I like it this way. My family is a big distraction to me but I'm still grateful to them for tolerating a person like me. I guess. I should be grateful that I'm not in jail or a mental institution or facility or trapped in a hospital. There are so many people in America who don't have a decent life and are trapped in jails. Sometimes even being innocent. I have a roof over my head and I can keep myself safe under a blanket. That's enough of a good life already. 

At least I am not a criminal on American TV. I might not have the best life that so called people (fashionable) on Instagram who have a perfect life get to flaunt that super uber duper perfect life. I'm not like them and I get it that I will never be like them and I can never become like them but that's okay too. At least I am not suffering in the worst manner possible. So I should at least satisfy myself with that. It doesn't matter in the end. We all die.. We are all not perfect. We are born with flaws. We cherish life even if it's unfair to us. We should just make the best of what we are given. 

Well the good thing for me to remember is that I am not a fucking criminal on American TV. And that's my satisfaction. 

[Buck Edwards]

There are fireworks outside my house and I have tears of joy in my eyes and I'm feeling blessed.

[Buck Edwards]

This is November 1. There are fireworks outside my building right now. Yay. 

I can hear them. Can't see them because of the high rise apartments blocking the view. But I heard them. It's fun. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Did not wake up early and still had nightmares. 

Content of the nightmares - I'm in a chemistry class and all the females in the class are being hostile to me. I'm only pointing out the truth in the place and the policies that I don't agree with. Then a huge fat intimidating female approaches me and lectures me about something and tells me off. None of them allow me to work with them. They get overly defensive and dismissive of my presence. I feel lonely and isolated. I feel terrible. 

And then I'm in a different place. Like a dorm. It's like a huge hall and I'm trying to collect my items. I'm trying to keep things in their places. Yet a lot of people from the chemistry class are trying to disrupt the place. There is commotion. I am constantly arguing with them. 

Dream interpretation -  i have a fear of being an outcast. Fear of fights, chaos and arguments. Fear of hostility. 

 

 

Edited November 2 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I can now see an emotional pattern emerging in my nightmares and this ties with my childhood trauma. 

I have a deep fear of Abandonment, anxiety, feeling neglected, outcast, isolated, dumped, lack of acceptance and validation, betrayal of trust, brokenness, negligence, void, fear of chaos, authority, arguments, conflict, fights, hostility, fear of judgement, policing, cold shoulder treatment, feeling of being unaccomodated, distrust, mistrust, fear of being policed, fear of being watched, stalked or invaded on, rejection sensitivity, inability to cope with tension, repression around sex, multiple Phobias, excessive need for validation, excessive apprehension around people, fear of missing out on, insecurity about my present and future, desperation to fit into social structure, inability to cope with social pressure, wanting to be attached but fearing such attachment, excessive vulnerability around judgement, validation, social acceptance, rejection. 

 

Edited November 2 by Buck Edwards