My real name is Reena Gerlach

[Buck Edwards]

I woke up today. October 28, 2024. Monday. 

I don't think I slept well. I'm still a bit grumpy. I had a nightmare in which a man was luring lots of women to their death. He had a wife and he was cheating on her with this other beautiful girl. My sister was in the dream suggesting me they can't be married as they are flirting strangely. It was wicked. There were mean girls fighting in a local dormitory. The whole atmosphere was so chaotic. 

This guy was bragging about how good he was at pulling women. He was doing all kinds of mental gymnastics. 

Me and my sister were trying to talk to each other and he was interrupting trying to hear our conversations and then he suggested we use a special earphone kind of device and that it's completely safe and nobody would hear anything. 

End of weird dream. 

[Buck Edwards]

October 28, Monday. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Let's see what happens today. 

[Buck Edwards]

Diwali Calendar. 

 

 

Tomorrow is Dhanteras.

Diwali begins tomorrow. But Main day is October 31st. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

So I brought a lot of stuff today. Lots of lights, diyas, lamps to celebrate tomorrow.

[Buck Edwards]

I have to forget past traumas. When my husband sleeps I want to give him his space and let him deal with his emotions. 

[Buck Edwards]

I feel very peaceful when I see Leo's picture. 

 

 

Edited October 28 by Buck Edwards

[Marcel]

4 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

I feel very peaceful when I see Leo's picture. 

I don’t know why, but this sentence made me laugh the first time I read it hun hehe

But. I know what you mean. I can feel it too

Edited October 28 by Marcel

[Buck Edwards]

Just now, Marcel said:

I don’t know why I but this sentence made me laugh the first time I read it hun hehe

But. I know what you mean. I can feel it too

Haha I know. Everyone laughs about it. 

[Buck Edwards]

I have a stomach upset now. Last night I threw up twice. Don't know what happened. 

I drank lots of water. 

And then I had terrible nightmares. 

In one of the bad dreams I was sexually assaulted by a guy on public transport. It was humiliating, excruciating, degrading and messed up. I called him out on it publicly and he denied and mocked me and nobody on there believed me. Everyone mocked me. 

Truly terrifying experience. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I threw up a lot yesterday. My body heated up a lot yesterday. I almost had like a heat fever. This is October 29. Today is Diwali. I get a bit stressed out on festivals. 

[Buck Edwards]

I just want to fall asleep and not think about anything. 

Life is great when there are no worries. 

[Buck Edwards]

I want to lie in a swimming pool. 

Just soak in the water and relax. And not worry about anything at all. Just cool down my body. My body is still very hot. 

[Buck Edwards]

So I took a 7 hour break and I'm feeling much better. Recovering slowly. I lay down in a tub of water for 3 hours to cool myself.

 

[Buck Edwards]

We all want love, security,safety. 

I have strong needs for love from the masculine. 

 

Maybe being addicted to drugs could be a sign of a huge cope. One can be paranoid of human company.

I have done wrong things too.

I wish I had a strong loving mother. I never had. When children don't get love,they grow anxious. 

Sometimes I cry because it's so hard. Especially when nobody understands you. 

Women want a strong masculine figure in their lives. I understand now why. Maybe they miss their mothers. Maybe they want the boyfriend or husband to give them the love they wanted from their moms.

What happens when you live in a community where nobody cares about your safety. It can be so hard and lonely. 

In women, I always searched for a mommy figure. 

Being adult is not enough. You still have child like needs. 

Acceptance. Surrender. Let go. 

Let go of the need for human company. Maybe this is also a cope. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Physical weakness. Anxiety. These are human issues. Human emotions. 

Sometimes I like people who are harsh and rough. I wonder how they remain so strong. 

[Buck Edwards]

Why do I seek validation so much? 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Women are emotionally sensitive. They can be manipulated easily. 

[Buck Edwards]

The one thing that helps me a lot is gratefulness. Just being grateful that I'm alive. 

I do experience deprivation emotional deprivation from time to time. 

Since my husband came to my side, I have been feeling much better. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I still battle feelings about my ex. The rejection and Abandonment hurts me still. 

 

Why was I rejected? 

Maybe I was super needy with him. Just like I hate neediness in people. He must have hated my own neediness. 

I love how people are so quick to judge others.