My real name is Reena Gerlach

[Buck Edwards]

True again. 

 

Edited October 27 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I always felt like I met people who never understood me truly. They stereotyped me, cocooned me, Jailed me in their mental prisons. Some people were disappointed in me, people I can never impress no matter how hard I tried, not that trying to impress anyone ever makes any sense to begin with. When we don't get the love we want, we find coping mechanisms, don't we? Some people got upset at me because I didn't give them myself completely, they could not realize my failures, they judged my harshness as a betrayal of trust, some people lamented at me, some people were desperate to grab me, I met all kinds of people from time to time, some disappointed and look at me with contempt and disdain because they don't want to favor me, some people mad at me because I don't wish to favor them. On both ends I became a victim of their opinions, whether I liked it or not. Nobody truly cared for what I felt, how I felt, what I wanted, how I wanted. It's like my autonomy did not matter. Someone's lack of approval hurt me. My coldness hurt others. On both sides there was misunderstanding. Misunderstanding that I never got a chance to resolve. Because both parties don't want to hear. The first ones think that I can never deserve better, the second ones dispute that all my reasoning are just weird excuses to my true nature. The first ones, I cannot impress, the second ones I cannot convince. The first ones, whose love I'll never receive, the second ones whose love will never matter. 

In all of this mental conflicts of human needs and judgements, I try to find my place.. Where am l?   I'm in the middle being dragged on both sides, side to side. I don't know what to conform to. I get blamed on both sides, though no fault of my own. One side I'll always fail to impress and the other that always fail to empathize me. It's hard and harsh living sandwiched between the two. 

My soul craves liberation. My soul is a bird. I don't wish to be trapped. I want to feel free. I want to feel loved. I don't want to feel rejected. I don't want to feel controlled and owned. 

With one I crave love and acceptance. With the other I crave freedom and space. 

My femininity sadly never understood and obscured into darkness. 

[Buck Edwards]

A person's coping mechanism can be literally anything. It can be feeling like they have solutions to everything. It can be their avoidant behavior. It can be their dismissive attitude. Or it can be their "I know better than anyone." 

It's fundamentally a cope. The preaching cope. They still feel superior realizing that they have identified the problem correctly and also retired the problem with a solution. Simple as that. For them problems appear far too simple. And if you appear to be complicating it, then you are drama. They look at everything and everyone from a strictly logical lense. It's the density of their brain and not your mistake that they project their circumventing on to you. They fail to grasp that emotions can go much deeper or that someone is even rarely capable of feeling such emotions. It's out of their mental circuit. 

[Buck Edwards]

What I'm doing right now is not greatly better than a cope either. 

Such people usually cling onto someone to worship usually a non threatening feminine figure. They want a super polite female who feels like music to their ears. They use dismissal and disdain as a way to reject their own shadow, a part of themselves they don't want to confront because it's too challenging to confront that. It's too challenging to hold someone with love or to show love to someone they have been holding with contempt and prejudice. Anything you do or don't, they see it with contempt and dismissal.. Because this is the only way they can reject rejection, or rather cope with it. It's a deep fear of narcissistic injury. A deep fear that they might regret something so they have to go the extra mile to prevent the presumptive injury. They want to cope with rejection, a rejection that their own mind invented, a rejection that simply doesn't exist and never existed. But they have to be extra protective of their ego, hence the dismissal. They will never be able to love something they just can't, and they won't feel the need to justify it. Instead, clinging on to that feminine figure for life and admiring, praising and worshipping it feels like a better coping option. It also secretly is a divisive tactic. The way a narcissistic parent coddles the golden child and dismisses the other one as a failure. Because they don't want to feel like a failure themselves. It's praising one female and putting down another, pitting one female against another, it's one of those juvenile things where a girl tries to make a guy  jealous by praising another guy in front of him, flirting with him on purpose so that he feels bad about himself. It's a careful well calibrated manipulation that is not detected at the surface. But what you feel is what you feel and the damage is already done, especially when you as a guy begin to internalize it. Funny enough, how these things come up in real life in different patterns, one varying from another, but all and each one of them rooted in the same flavor. Always appearing. Since the ego likes to appear. 

Edited October 27 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Dear Reena, 

It's all a psychological rot in the end. Why do you care so much? Why take offense? 

 

[Buck Edwards]

It takes time to process my feelings. But I did a good job at it this time. 

[Buck Edwards]

16 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Just liking someone is an idea of attachment. 

My new persona came into effect on Oct 26. 

 

I said this yesterday. Just yesterday. I can't believe it. And today is October 27. 

[Buck Edwards]

So today is a very productive day. I processed some stuff that had been bothering me some time. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Timeline of past few days. 

Second discussion with therapist occurred on October 5th. 

October 7, 2024 was a really really bad day for me. I was extremely anxious and I couldn't sleep that day and I also know why. It was exhausting that day. 

 

I have no clue what I did on October 10th. 

Was I trying to pay bills? Was I sick? There's no specific entry.

October 11th entry says that I canceled my therapist appointment. I wanted to see some progress. 

 

By October 11, I knew I had a powerful grip. 

 

I ran into a huge debate on October 13th but I felt better.

 

October 14th was just a waste of time. I had nightmares and I felt anxious throughout the day.. Maybe I was desperately waiting for the new Halloween event in the game. It started on October 16th probably. 

 

 

October 15th, my husband went on a hiking trip. Took pictures. Shared them here. 

 

 

October 15th was also a very depressing day for me. Because I had taken an important decision that day early in the morning. I was very fed up, tired and frustrated. (you already know that girl). 

October 16th - the game event began and I was super excited. This is something I had been waiting for for months. I quickly finished my goals that day. 

 

 

Edited October 27 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Timeline continued. 

October 16, 17, 18 and 19th were spent in playing the event compulsively as it was the most important event of the game. Only happens once a year during Halloween. Like 15 days before Halloween. I was upset because the cue I won wasn't what I was exactly expecting but nevertheless the cue was okayish. 

 

I don't remember how I spent October 20. Maybe I was too exhausted from playing the game. I had also lost 40 million coins in the game overnight and gained 20 million. So maybe I was a bit upset about the loss during this time. Also during this time I was ignoring some mean comments and hoping things would get better. October 20 was a Sunday. Sunday is always a fun day. So I spent it eating and enjoying myself. I thought I needed to collect a few movies or make a playlist of movies for upcoming Halloween. So I guess I watched some horror movie that day. But I don't exactly remember. 

 

Wait a minute, uuuuuh! 

 

October 20 was a Sunday. But as per my journal records, I treated October 21 as a Sunday, being clueless about it. 

 

But.... October 21 was a Monday. Girl be good at tallying the calendar please. Don't mess up days. 

Anyway. 

I treated October 21 as a Sunday.

It was A Monday though. 

 

 

October 21. Monday. I watched a ton of movies throughout the day. The movies strangely did not impact my nightmares in any way. For the entire month of October, I struggled a lot with nightmares on an almost regular basis. I also started a thread on the Off topic culture  section about a list of horror movies for Halloween. 

In my mind I really wanted to celebrate Halloween for the first time. I never remember celebrating anything as a child because my parents would constantly fight, there was nothing to celebrate.. So I thought this year was a great chance to have the time of my life to celebrate both Diwali and Halloween. As also because Diwali is right on the day of Halloween so it was a double celebration for me and the first time I would be celebrating Halloween with my husband. So it was exciting and I didn't want to miss out on it. 

 

Edited October 27 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Timeline continued. 

October 22. Tuesday. 

I had nightmares and I saw my ex mocking me. 

 

I learned that my family had assigned me a new therapist. My last therapy session was somewhere on October 5. So many days had passed. My conversation with Leo also happened on October 4/5. 

 

My new therapist name is Simon. My previous therapist was Steven. 

 

 

October 23. Wednesday. 

This is my journal entry on Wednesday. 

I was binge watching horror movies. It's Halloween week and I really want to enjoy this entire week. 

These horror movies are low budget but nice, better than Netflix. 

I also got a bottle of coke. I went outside I felt good. 

After watching these movies, the lesson I learned is life is too busy, life is too good when you have your family with you, no matter how bad your family can be but other people out there are extremely hostile and toxic. It's better to spend time with family. 

Now I seek comfort within Myself. I still have that itch to think too much about others. 

 

 

October 24. Thursday. 

I think I wasn't feeling great on this day. Just backache. Ya know. My family decided it was therapy day for me. So I guess I had a session with Simon that evening of October 24 which was a Thursday. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 27 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Timeline continued.. 

October 25. Friday. 

 

This was my entry. 

Victory is always mine.  

 

I was a bit annoyed this day. I was feeling off and anxious. I had been binge watching horror movies all through the week. I was exhausted from my therapy session the day before. 

 

October 26. Saturday. 

 

This is my journal entry on Saturday. 

I was moody and grumpy. I had backache. 

 

I slept well but I woke up from a dream and in the dream I was looking for my scorecard and grades. My exams were over and it was time for results. There was a big digital board and everyone was able to see their scores except me. I couldn't find mine. My family kept searching too. Finally I remember my examination ID number which was a 4 digit number and I inserted that number and my score appeared. 

 

Nothing spectacular happened. I mostly avoided talking to anyone. I wasn't in great spirits. Dampened mood. Saturday was the worst moodwise. 

 

I didn't find a good Halloween movie to watch. I binged on junk food, chips, coke and cake. 

 

October 26. Saturday. 

I also felt a bit more comfortable with my own sexuality. I thought to be more open about it. But I felt shut down immediately. Guess what?? I felt like others don't have the right to judge someone's sexuality. But I had a rude Awakening. Lol. Forget it. It happens. Shit happens. No chance. Even if it's western society lol. 

I thought I had become a new persona. A more sexually confident persona, I don't know. 

But I still feel like a new persona. 

 

October 27. Sunday.

I finally figure out my new persona. I don't want to be sandwiched between wanting and wanted. I want to feel free. I did some major psychoanalysis on myself and why some people hated me. Specific persons in my life, mostly in the past, exes and all. Then realized that no matter the hate, I don't need to internalize their judgement. It's okay how they feel about me. Let people feel what they feel and I shouldn't have the need to impress them. Back to Original self. 

 

This new psychoanalytic approach helped me more than any therapist who I pay a lot of money to. 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

In a complete rich analysis of all the days gone by (in this month), I think I spent some time on the forum. Significant portion. The last 15 days of September, I was active. But not thoroughly engaged. I have listed the reasons previously. 

 

I don't know the heck I was doing in the first 15 days of October, probably just miserable and impatiently waiting for the event. 

 Throughout October I was active on the forum. 

That is enough. 

Now I need to take some time off and focus forward. 

 

Sometimes I feel guilty when I don't talk to people. October was a clean up month. Got rid of whatever toxicity I didn't need to have around me.  

[Buck Edwards]

 

(heart emoji) 

[Buck Edwards]

Played several games with my husband. In some I won. In some he won too.

 

 

 

 

 

I won in Tokyo many times and that made me very happy today.

 

[Buck Edwards]

My stats in the game are really awesome today. My win streak always used to be zero. Now it's 1. And my rank is superstar. Excited. Today I did well in the game. 

 

I never did tournaments. They take too much time and they are boring. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I want to reward myself with crystal tokens. The event will last another one week. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

So true 

 

[Buck Edwards]

This can be a great closing quote for my day. 

This is how I feel. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I'm very happy today.