My real name is Reena Gerlach

[Yimpa]

3 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

My therapist told me to be as open as possible about my feelings. That's a great start. 

Same here, wa-hoo!

[Buck Edwards]

Just now, Yimpa said:

Same here, wa-hoo!

[Buck Edwards]

I slept well but I woke up from a dream and in the dream I was looking for my scorecard and grades. My exams were over and it was time for results. There was a big digital board and everyone was able to see their scores except me. I couldn't find mine. My family kept searching too. Finally I remember my examination ID number which was a 4 digit number and I inserted that number and my score appeared. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

In the last few days I have been addicted to certain things. 

[Buck Edwards]

I try to grab on to things any silly things to feel better. Of course I know that this is a part of my disorder. 

[Buck Edwards]

List of paranormal activities in situations of a poltergeist haunting —

 

Unexplainable thumps, knocks, thuds, and the sounds of nonexistent furniture moving.

Lights turning on and off by themselves.

Bricks flying at people’s heads out of nowhere when they venture down into the basement.

Dogs barking at unseen objects.

Areas in rooms that are strangely cold.

Fires erupting out of nowhere.

Picture frames turned upside down.

“Extreme smells” such as the odor of burning sulfur.

Objects moving and levitating.

Weirdly shaped and colored orbs appearing in photographs taken at the house.

Stuffed animals—teddy bears, specifically—rearranging themselves in an upstairs bedroom.

[Buck Edwards]

I'm too exhausted. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Why should I allow anyone to dictate my sexuality? 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I don't know how to feel about it. But I hate some specific people. They are not bad people. Maybe I seek their validation. But I'm sure they don't give a fuck about me. I feel bad when these specific people don't give me the validation I want. I think one of them is my family member. 

[Buck Edwards]

Maybe it's those specific people who hate me. It bothers me a bit though. I don't know why. One way to change my thought process is to realize that those specific persons who hate me do so out of judgement. Maybe I judge others too. So why should I care if others judge me? I might be judging someone the way they judge me. It's a hierarchy then. 

[Buck Edwards]

Just liking someone is an idea of attachment. 

My new persona came into effect on Oct 26. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

In my mental landscape I still think a lot sexually. It arouses me. Sometimes I'm filled with guilt and shame. It's a part of my sexual repression.. Sometimes going away from it is better. 

Why do I get so much comfort in the idea of sex? And not the ordinary sex. Usually that involves me being in some sort of control, like chains. 

I wanted a sense of control. There has to be a power imbalance in my relationship. Him snatching it from me. Him stealing it from me. Him freaking me out. Him dragging it from me. But not begging for my love. I imagined being tied up in my dreams. Taboo sex. Then him liberating me. 

I remember something echoing in my spirit. Like he said in the dream to me - "well I don't feel left out." 

And it tugged at me. Did he simply want to conquer me? His masculine instinct rising up again and competing with me fiercely as he gains control of me, my body. 

Next day I feel lifeless. Into the vastness outside my window, I see nothing. Just thinking. Why attraction feels like love? 

Why can't it be normal? Why does it have to be so draining? Why did it suck the life out of me? Then he is gone and I'm alone. All alone. 

For a moment it was empowering. Like he made me desire him. Then it was taken away. 

This feeling that I desire him. The feeling that I cling to. This romantic desire arising like a passionate trembling fire in me, this passion that keeps flowing through my veins, wanting him to do that over and over to me. Endlessly. Till there is no life in me. This mad desire. The ecstasy. Him holding me one minute, abandoning me the next like I'm some rough caracas. He drew a line around my pussy with his penis and marked his territory. He wanted me bad. I was his muse. I'm his muse. That's what I desire to be. 

[Buck Edwards]

Says goodnight to myself. 

[Buck Edwards]

Even if people got everything out of you, they won't get anything. There will be lies, rumors, gossip, attacks, all that. But you don't have to care. Just move on. You are steady. Sometimes my own paranoia gets the better of me. Sometimes I just wish to be left alone. You are safe now. You are safe now. You are safe. No one will bother you. You'll be okay. At least in real life you are okay. And...... I didn't want to separate myself from an illusory life. Somehow. I don't like it there. I feel watched all the time. This feels like home. Maybe I found my home. Don't cry about it. Its okay. Everything will be okay. They can't hold anything against you. They don't have anything against you anymore. Everything has disappeared. Nor will anyone ever have that power to destroy you. You have a firm grip now. The threats are all gone. You should celebrate whatever time you have. Instead of wasting it in anxiety. Maybe it will be short lived for various reasons. Still. No matter how short lived, enjoy loving your second home. Some witches will complain about you. Somehow. In some way.. But you don't have to care. Because the final thing is imperative, it's the final thing. So their complaining will fall on deaf ears and you will be free forever. The final thing is that you're protected. I know this matters a lot to you. It hurts you. Silence is your best defense this time, because you are completely innocent. Remember the final thing is imperative. The final choice matters and not the sound of constant complaining. So reassure yourself. Cut contact. Change your code and mannerism. Become a new you now. The final you. The you you always wanted. Just block all noise. Yes people judged you and it impacted you. I feel like holding a strong grudge against them. You have to forgive them. Let go the grudge. They do not understand what you went through and even if they did, they will still keep hopelessly judging you through their narrow inner lense. So forgive them. Grow a bigger heart. I know with trauma it's kinda hard. Every little thing begins to hurt. But it's not like that. Just forgive. Their lack of empathy. They can't grasp what you are going through. Maybe if they did they would have had great compassion for you. They can't. Because they aren't lucky enough to suffer as much as you did 

Now you need to put an end to this train of anxiety. Just walk straight. Ignore everything. Focus solely on what you want. Get what you want. Be serious. Don't let this opportunity fly. Get a grip. Keep looking ahead and just focus entirely on your own growth. A spectacular growth. A spectacular vision. This was finally and fortunately the last of the enemies. Now you are free. So keep growing wonderfully. You have already grown so much. Still another long journey awaits. Don't pay attention to naysayers. You found yourself. You are brave. You worked for a whole year. You did well. God listens. God hears. Humans aren't greater than Gods. Justice will be done. Peace will come. It wasn't your fault. So don't guilt yourself. Follow a straight line. Work hard again. I know it's hard to do it. But the fruits will come. Just have a single minded focus.. Slowly you'll pick up speed. And you'll keep going. And one day you will look back at yourself and you will shine again. This will only happen in solitude. When you are free of distractions and negativity. You will rediscover that which you always had and always wanted. Work on it from tomorrow. Create your own reality. Forget the BS. Your own strength will pull you through. Think about pulling yourself out everytime someone is pulling you back.. Ignore the put down. Ignore the negativity. Ignore the judgement and ignore the hate and ignore the rejection and alienation. 

Keep going at the speed at which you are going. 

That day you'll simply look back and you'll feel at peace and fulfillment and a strange tranquility will stare at you. You will wipe your face with a towel. You will reward your hard work. You will take a cup of coffee and put your past behind you. You will look at the waves and then you will know that you are the strongest. You survived. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

And not just survived, you thrived. Your own evolution was important to recognize and sharpen your strengths. 

[Buck Edwards]

I had poor sleep. This is the end of the road for me. Enough of it. I don't know how I felt. But I felt a sense of terror. I didn't feel good when I woke up. 

[Buck Edwards]

Waking up in the morning and feeling like shit is a bad way to start a day. 

[Buck Edwards]

 

I won in Tokyo again. This is my best place. I have 4 Tokyo rings in the game by now. 

 

Edited October 27 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

[Buck Edwards]

This is so pleasant and I have a husband who is exactly like this.