My real name is Reena Gerlach

[Buck Edwards]

There are animals there where my husband is hiking. 

[Buck Edwards]

My husband. @Marcel

Edited October 15 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I had series of nightmares over the last few days. I have been in a bad mental state. I'm waiting for the day when my situation is improves. 

I try to write as much as I can. At the same time I want to follow spirituality a little strictly. I have been doing this for so many years now at sluggish speed, never really getting there. My family is a huge distraction and that pisses me off. Someone from my family is always calling me on the phone. So I never focus on what I truly want to do. And the hours of the day are not enough. Everyday is a huge drag. Part of the problem is that my sleep quality sucks. I wish I had a better therapist. The therapist I was assigned talks endlessly and never really gives me the opportunity to talk. I'm tired of switching therapists. By now I have tried a couple of them. But to no avail. It's the same old same old. I need to get a grip on my distractions. 

A lot of my time and consequently life is spent in Anxious thinking. I am constantly worried about something without really knowing what I'm worried about. I want ACT, CBT, DBT and a bunch of other therapies. I need a mindset reset. 

So far the only good thing is my diet. Apart from it, everything else, especially my state of mind sucks. 

And my autism takes a huge toll on my memory. 

[Buck Edwards]

First like I promised myself, a comprehensive set of goals. 

 

[Marcel]

@Buck Edwards

Out of all the pictures you picked the one after having walked 5 km and a couple hundred meters of altitude upwards hehe 

[Buck Edwards]

Just now, Marcel said:

@Buck Edwards

Out of all the pictures you picked the one after having walked 5 km and a couple hundred meters of altitude upwards hehe 

Lol. It looks very sweet hun. Your wet hair. I love it. 

[Buck Edwards]

@Marcel I also like this one hun.

[Marcel]

@Buck Edwards

Thats so you hun 

Adorable 🥰 

[Marcel]

23 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Lol. It looks very sweet hun. Your wet hair. I love it.

*Notes that down. Good to know ❤️😅

[Buck Edwards]

@Marcel I love you. 

[Buck Edwards]

Waits for my husband to come back. 

[Buck Edwards]

I slept like a log. I have understood that the core source of my anxiety is people. I don't feel peaceful around people. I feel rattled. In fact I can't even tolerate my own family, and that includes my mother and other members. Whenever they call me my heart jumps out of panic. I think I grew up in a Hyper controlling childhood and that completely scarred me. I feel lost. I tried very hard to program my brain to feel normal but I just don't feel okay. There's tremendous anxiety. I feel like being in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber. I am sick of the childhood trauma I went through. I am sick of meanness and constant judgement. I'm sick of the toxicity I was constantly fed. 

I have reached a point where if someone even calls me I get panicky. 

I hope my CPTSD doesn't get worse. 

My subconscious is telling me that I should go into a corner and cut off everyone from my life. And be alone in my Spiritual path. Everything feels like an over stimulation. This could be my autism. 

My therapist is not helping me because he wants sessions too fast without giving me any time to improve. He expects improvement in a couple of days which is way too fast for me. I always need at least 12 days before I can contact him again. 

[Buck Edwards]

My mind has negative thoughts. And I have to struggle against these thoughts. This is a hard struggle. Days go by and the thoughts don't go away. I guess this is a symptom of CPTSD like my therapist told me. 

[Buck Edwards]

I still feel ashamed of how I easily got blackmailed and I wasn't tough enough. My weakness got the better of me. Those events two years ago still haunt me. But I have improved. I give stronger responses. I try not to panic. 

[Buck Edwards]

I still pay my bills on time. 

[Buck Edwards]

Afternoon and my mood is a bit better. 

[Marcel]

4 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

I still feel ashamed of how I easily got blackmailed and I wasn't tough enough. My weakness got the better of me. Those events two years ago still haunt me. But I have improved. I give stronger responses. I try not to panic.

It’s okay hun.

You can be so proud of yourself. You have and are improving so much. No need to be so hard on yourself ❤️

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

20 minutes ago, Marcel said:

It’s okay hun.

You can be so proud of yourself. You have and are improving so much. No need to be so hard on yourself ❤️

 

 

Thank you. 

[Buck Edwards]

October 14- 15. 

Not feeling that great. But okay. 

[Buck Edwards]

I just woke up but still had nightmares.