My real name is Reena Gerlach

[Buck Edwards]

I also need to make a comprehensive list of goals. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

My list of goals 

 

 

My four primary goals are

Being and living a spiritual life 

Adding more insights 

Being a great wife to my husband 

Being into my feminine essence 

Working on my trauma and CPTSD 

Being more peaceful 

Being more productive 

Working on my energy levels 

Working on my mental illness 

Working on my fitness levels

Learning "bonding energy"

Cultivating my relationship with God 

Getting a great job 

Improving my life 

High consciousness living 

Work on my organizational skills 

start my day with positive affirmations. 

Self soothing techniques. 

Causes of nightmares

Learning masculinity and femininity 

 

My current specifics - 

 

Focus on authenticity

Integrate masculinity 

Focus on core principle 

Integrate anything 

Therapy work

Push away both masculine and feminine negativity. Don't absorb this stuff 

Self development of course 

Masculine feminine integration 

High consciousness 

Being authentically creative 

Deep spiritual work 

Self awareness exercises

 

 

4 core things that I have identified - 

 

First is IQ

Confidence 

Emotional and mental health

Mastery 

Edited October 11 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I want to create a mini prototype of the forum in my journal. So I can track my progress chapter by chapter. 

 

Personal Development 

Spirituality and Consciousness 

Psychedelics 

Society and Politics

Life Purpose and career 

Dating and Relationships 

Health 

Philosophy 

Mental health 

High Consciousness 

Off Topic

 

[Buck Edwards]

Timeline building. 

On October 3 I did self awareness exercises as suggested by my therapist. 

 

What did I do on October 4? 

I read 97 pages of the book on EQ. 

What did I do on October 5?

This day  I booked an appointment with my therapist. I was reading the scripts he sent me and I was anxious throughout the day 

 

 

What did I do on October 6? 

It was a Sunday and I felt a sense of fear. Like very anxious. My mind felt blocked. 

This is my entry on that day - 

 

 

Also I journaled a bit with my therapist

 

What did I do on October 7? 

This is Monday. The Timeline on the forum is not set as per my place Timeline. So it's difficult to track because I had made a post in the night probably but it shows as evening. 

So maybe I should put a time stamp on my posts. As my current time. 

 

This day was fully spent being anxious about some people who are obsessed with me. It caused me terrible anxiety. I discussed this with my husband too. He could sense my panic. 

 

What did I do on October 8? 

This Is Tuesday. I felt relieved that the anxiety had passed. I watched some videos to feel better. Some of the days I could not post on the forum because of login or technical issues(wink wink) 

I did positive shaming technique to keep myself away from the dating section. The dating section can be very tempting in terms of low consciousness. Also during this time period I had started a thread on masculinity. 

I also used a positive shaming technique that worked successfully. 

 

What did I do on October 9? 

I spent the entire day looking for spirituality videos and content creators. That was a hugely productive day. I did a lot of work and got exhausted. 

 

 

What did I do on October 10? 

This is Thursday. 

I spent the whole of Monday reading a book on Tantra by Osho and compiling my posts about spirituality from it. 

Then I proceeded to hunt for YouTube channels the same day. 

Monday was October 7th.

Tuesday was October 8th. 

I spent Monday (Oct 7), Tuesday (Oct 8), Wednesday (Oct 9), Thursday (Oct 10) in continously hunting spiritual channels and content creators on YouTube in the Hope to learn some information. It was a tedious task but I completed it. 

 

 

Today is October 11.

 

 

Edited October 11 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Today is October 11.

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

What do I want in my life - 

 

 

 

- a good morning routine 

 

- great food 

 

- organization of my life 

 

- improving my skills 

 

- a distinct spiritual practice 

 

- working on my mental disorders. 

 

- giving something to my honey 

 

- improving myself everyday 

 

- developing a philosophy for life 

 

- using EET and other therapies 

[Buck Edwards]

Yesterday and today I have felt really horny which is a significant improvement. I wasn't able to climax. So I stopped my medication. It's been a month since I stopped my medication and my horniness is back. It feels wonderful to want sex again. I have been squirting like crazy. 

[Buck Edwards]

People are wearing oura ring these days. I don't know how effective it is. I don't like to wear something that tracks me. 

 

Today started out well. But I slept a lot. Which is not good. I masturbated. I I'm not guilty about that. That's okay because I masturbated almost after 2 months. 

I created a bunch of pics for Leo's crocodile contest. I couldn't watch a lot of videos today since I got bored. 

I created my Timeline in the morning. This was incredibly helpful for me to keep a track of my time. I'm now realizing that "every day time" is extremely precious and I should try to schedule it as much as possible and not waste it at all. 

I'm still failing to make a comprehensive set of goals. One thing I have understood is my layout for my future is fully clear right now. Which is a big thing for me. 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 11 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

My goals 

 

• Work on borderline personality disorder
• Work on autism 
• Farm work 
• Shaktipat
• Kundalini energy work 
• Mental health improvement 
• INFJ personality
• Sigma characteristics
• Law of attraction 
• Manifestation 
• Bryon Katie work 
• Emotional healing
• Focus on getting my health on track 
• Prepare for my exams and tests 
• Cultivate a beautiful relationship with my husband. 
• Heal my sexual repression 
• Become a Tarot reader or pursue as a hobby 
• Tenets of Hinduism. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

This is the (my) most important post right now. I have highlighted the important part that I need to focus on. 

This will be the focus of my life for the rest of my life. Thank you Actualized.Org for sorting it out for me. 

22 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Maybe I'm too attached to the idea of happiness. I have faced a lot of negativity in my life. If I let go and focus more on the process it might help me? Who knows. 

Make a set of goals. Do exercises. And work towards it. 

All of life is just an illusion. We come into this world thinking of happiness. In the end there's only peace. 

Let the world find peace. 

Make a set of goals. Do exercises regularly. Work towards your goals little by little everyday. Have some fun in the meantime and die one day. That's my life summed up. That's all I'm going to do. I witnessed a lot of negativity. And the only solution is to turn to God. And turn to spirituality and my own goals and work rigorously towards them. Nobody is truly happy in this world, remember that. We just carry a mask around. True happiness lies in the heart. When you live Authentically and when you feel that peace in your heart, that's all of life summed up. That's deep satisfaction. Yes, romantic dissatisfaction exists. But it's just a part of life's tapestry. There are so many wonderful things buried deep in the heart that matter more than the obscure side of life. Treasure what's really worthwhile, this time, your goals, your consciousness, your exercises, your life path. 

 

I like how I'm progressing so fast. Faster improvements in last 14 days. The last week of September and the first week of October. I have progressed quite fast. Love this. I have transcended Actualized. Org and I have moved on and left it behind me. I don't need it anymore. I used it for distraction in the years I was here although a lot of growing happened during that time and learned a lot of lessons on communication and people skills. 2023 went in dealing with a lot of traumas. The start of 2024 wasn't great either. OCTOBER 2023 I was still dealing with a lot of guilt from my previous relationship. November and December were the coldest terrible months, too much fighting and family issues aggravated me. My health was really bad during this time. Come January, I thought things will be alright when I was banned from a Discord and it demoralized me completely. It was something I was holding on to.. Then came the worst months of February and March. My mental health steadily declined. There was simply no peace. Just platitudes platitudes platitudes. I swear. Then it was April and I saw some sunshine. It was May, June and July. I was still struggling. With my sexual repression. I engaged in playing video games and tried to forget myself. Because I just wanted to and needed to escape my problems. I had no direction. I was falling apart and using my addictions to not feel depressed. There was deep throbbing anxiety. In July I married my long term boyfriend of 3 years (@Marcel) and since then I have been happy. My life is still not fully on track. My family is fully supportive of my husband. This is October. September was spent in some anxiety over my presence on this forum. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be here. August I spent mostly with my husband, long periods of time. Because we are newly married. So I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. August was also spent in deciding whether I wanted to be in other places which I detested. The end of August was slightly better. September was okay and towards the end of it, my family decided that I needed therapy for depression. My first appointment was booked on September 25.

Edited October 11 by Buck Edwards

[Marcel]

12 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

I'm extremely grateful to you for being a part of my life. Forever. 

 ❤️❤️❤️

 

[Buck Edwards]

I woke up in the middle of the night. It's October 12. I am not feeling that great. My husband felt a bit anxious too. I'll let him sleep now. 

I'm wondering what I can do right now. I want to plan the day ahead. Transcendence is an important aspect of spirituality. 

I drank a glass of water and relieved myself. 

Now I'm just sitting on my bed and thinking. Wishful thinking. Self expression should also be spirituality. It comes from the spirit. I want to write copious amounts on spirituality. I also want to work on manifestation and the law of attraction. 

[Buck Edwards]

I canceled my therapist appointment. I will resume it when I show some progress. 

It's gonna be Saturday. I need to recharge my mom's phone. And I'll make some more notes. I think I'll paste my notes here in the p section. The forum can be a distraction sometimes. Topics that are quite inflammatory, same old, same old. I should know better by now. Avoid too much of the dating section. It's people reflecting their anxieties and frustrations. Resume my work. Find more comprehensive goals to work on. Find stuff to read. Involve and engage myself positively in the pursuit of a beautiful life. Live in grace. God should protect me. I also want to write a bunch of prayers so I feel anxiety free. I want to set up a morning routine. I also want to make and plan my day in such a way that most of my tasks are spiritually oriented or there is some spiritual element to them imbued in them. That would be nice. 

[Buck Edwards]

I'm blessed. I feel blessed. I live in grace. I forgot that this journal could be hate followed. Anyway. 

Reminds myself that I shouldn't embroil myself into the negative patterns of the world. 

I should say to myself often that I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband. I feel blessed. I should spend my time in love more than anything. 

I can also import from my private diary. Or my other journal and paste it here. I should add more to my journal. The dating section has turned into a rampant garbage of sorts. I should dissociate myself from it, it's not healthy for me. Every comment is wild. And collect my notes from my private Notepad too. 

Also I need to add more to my list of goals. 

Edited October 11 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Goals and reminders. All I need to know. Remember empowerment. You have a powerful grip now, you know that. 

[Buck Edwards]

I had quite deep thoughts today. The thoughts were like currents going through my body. Maybe indicative of something. I don't know. I fell asleep. Today is Sunday and I'll start with my 5 day challenges again. Today I was a bit tempted to debate again. Well there was an attack on my self respect. So I didn't tolerate it and I did well. It's not okay to be treated like that. This and everything else about society takes me more and more in the direction of spirituality. In the direction of mystery. I think I should focus more on authentic communication. Think about a mysterious high consciousness world where people understand and grasp each other's intentions quite well. Imagine a stream of consciousness. 

[Buck Edwards]

A high vibe communication is so beautiful in itself. A low vibe communication brings everything down. Learned an important lesson today. 

[Buck Edwards]

I want my husband to hold me like that. 

[Husseinisdoingfine]

My real name is pretty much just Hussein. Last name is kept confidential for privacy reasons.

[Buck Edwards]

Ok