My real name is Reena Gerlach

[Buck Edwards]

Meditation quiets the areas of the brain that are the equivalent to the “brakes”—the default mode network (DMN)—which helps us get into a flow state very quickly. To get out of our own way, and even out of more significant states, like depression, you have to utilize other methods besides your usual mode of thinking. What got us into this mess can’t get us out. Here’s the paradox: You’re the problem. You can’t solve the problem with the same consciousness that created it. Saying to yourself, ‘I’m going to make myself one with the universe’ is a futile task. It’s just like someone telling you to relax. It doesn’t work. We naturally let go, when we see how painful our usual process is.

 

Edited September 15 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

This is such a beautiful home. 

Edited September 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

There's a place for this “the universe prompt,”  ya know —the idea of consciously giving in to something bigger. Every religious tradition that I’ve seen has something like this, just with different words. It’s letting go of the small self, so grace of god can flow through us. ‘Advaita vedanta’ [from the Upanishads]..... in Catholicism, it’s emptying so god can flow. The universe prompt is helpful. “where I realize I don’t need to do anything. That can be part of the work, but it’s not all of it."As to whether flow is our natural state, or the product of being in tune with something greater. “Does something (like the universe or God) need to be creating something that is our natural propensity? In other words, what makes water flow downhill (instead of uphill)? Our brain has evolved for efficiency. ‘Flow’ is likely a manifestation of the brain working in optimal conditions.So it may be that spirituality is a kind of psychological tool we use just to get ourselves into our natural state. Perhaps quantum physics or other disciplines will offer other revelations in the coming years, but till then, we have to look to our current ways of understanding—psychology and neuroscience. Which may really be all we need. But for some, part of the beauty may be that it is still a mystery, and we can’t quite explain it just yet.

Edited September 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

So this is how I really am. 

 

I'm not someone who can simply consume behaviors and watch everyone from a distance. Either I'm close to you emotionally or I'm not. My experiences in life shaped me into becoming an emotionally vulnerable and tender person. 

 

I am that person who cries in the bathroom but shows up next day to class with a hoodie and sweatshirt on and doesn't say much and carries on quietly, literally carrying a thunderstorm inside. One scratch on my surface and you will see glass inside. Yes I'm made of glass. I break and when I break, hell breaks loose, and I shatter to pieces. I'm an HSP, acronym for highly sensitive person. 

 

I have a spatial brain disorder which means I need ample space when I read things and I can't cobble words together or else I end up with spasmodic panic attacks. Therefore you will find my writing with lots of space left out here and there and a lot of irregularities in the way I format text, suddenly leaving large spaces in between or writing too little or too much. This is done because my brain likes it that way and finds it less anxiety provoking. 

 

I'm very emotionally chaotic and fragile so if I end up fighting with my boyfriend, I won't get sleep that night, so my best option is to simply sit silent even if I feel like protesting, which gives an unfair advantage to the other party and they begin to dominate my weaknesses.. 

 

I'm more prone to abuse than others because of my brain disorders and my lack of ability to "not suck it up." 

 

I was born premature, at the 8th month and severely underweight and malnourished to the point that I was placed under intensive care during my first few days and then my parents were informed of my delicate health.. 

 

When I walk I stumble a lot, lose balance too often and end up getting into many accidents which again has a lot to do with development delays in the womb. 

 

Yet I always tried to be the best kid in class, worked hard to get an A in every subject for a consecutive 10 years in school. I got many awards and honors in school and I was an A student.. 

 

I never did smoking, drinking, drugs or any of that shit ever. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I need a time table and a set of goals 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

[Buck Edwards]

I have to keep a strict timetable. 

Right now it's. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I finished dinner earlier. And now it's time to prepare for bed. I finished some farm work today. I need to focus on some goals. 

My four primary goals are

• Being and living a spiritual life 
• Adding more insights 
• Being a great wife to my husband 
• Being into my feminine essence 
• Working on my trauma and CPTSD 
• Being more peaceful 
• Being more productive 
• Working on my energy levels 
• Working on my mental illness 
• Working on my fitness levels
• Learning "bonding energy"
• Cultivating my relationship with God 
• Getting a great job 
• Improving my life 
• High consciousness living 

 

Edited September 19 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

        September 20 Friday 

 

                    Morning 

 

 

     September 20 Friday morning 

I have to start early morning working on myself and motivating myself to get the work done that I want done. 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 19 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I have prepared the format now. I just need to focus on what needs to be done. 

[Buck Edwards]

I should also work on my organizational skills. 

[Buck Edwards]

My time table. 

September 19, Thursday. Night. 

I steamed my face well. And now I'll close my eyes and get some good rest. Goodnight to my silly self. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

     September 20 Friday morning 

Woke up early. 

I woke up. Sleep quality not that great. But okay. 

I'll start my day with positive affirmations. 

 

 

Edited September 20 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I came back from the zumba class. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Self soothing techniques. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

This doesn't help me much. 

Dialectical session. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

"ground work for therapy." 

 

This should be done before, during and after therapy. 

 

Edited September 21 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

So far the approaches that are useful - 

• Music 
• ASMR 
• Steaming the face 
• Vagus nerve healing 
• Somatic responses 
• Mindset change 

 

Edited September 21 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I forgot breathing techniques and supplements