How can I tell if I'm working on myself

[trenton]

I see arguments for and against this. I keep being told to work on myself and look within usually by people who don't do it themselves. I get frustrated with this messaging because I have been trying to do this my entire life and it doesn't seem to be working.

The arguments that I'm not working on myself is that I lack tangible differences in my life, I still have the same mental health problems, I still don't live on my own, and I hate myself. It makes me doubt if I am truly self reflecting and working on myself.

There are arguments that I am working on myself. First of all, I opened up to my family about my trauma after about 20 years. I drive to work and worked two jobs at once. I am the only one in my family even attempting therapy and recovery while the others admit they are fucked up and refuse to even try. I traveled to Florida for genetic testing to get better anti depressants as I became an inpatient again. I've been educating myself constantly but I now see that knowledge won't solve my problem. And of course I helped a lot of other people along the way. I have tried the life purpose course. I tried life coaching. I tried the book list. And so on.

The reason I'm frustrated is because I keep being told to work on myself, but maybe I am working on myself too much in such a way that it is counterproductive. Instead of feeling happy I still feel hopeless, and self hating with suicidal thoughts.

My therapist is supposed to do some trauma work with me tomorrow. Hopefully I can finally learn how to let shit go. It is hard to manage the combination of ptsd, depression, anxiety, autism, ocd, and adhd. He thinks my mental health problems are kicking my ass.

I want to know if I am experiencing real growth or fake growth. I want to make sure I am not bullshitting myself as if I think I have grown tremendously when in fact nothing changed. At least I am about to move out from Ohio and to Kentucky. I can't live with people who normalize emotional abuse.

Am I working on myself? In what ways am I tricking myself into thinking I'm doing the work but I'm not. It is possible that I am working on myself but progress is slow. Children of dysfunctional families have a tendency to be harsh on themselves and it seems to be part of the problem.

I'm grateful for the help offered by you guys.

[Jacob Morres]

i think one way is using metrics?

for example in weightlifting i know i'm experiencing real growth if i'm 

1. hitting my daily calorie and protein intake 

2. hitting progressive overload per workout

3. getting appropriate rest days between workouts

if i'm hitting these goals daily, in a few months my muscle mass and body mass will change significantly (though there is like 10 other principles to follow, these are the main ones) 

so i think depending on your goal, you need to figure out the right metrics/tasks

so basically goal (broken into) -> specific tasks that make up that goal 

so I guess basically if you're following the genuine right principles for your goals versus distractions would be your indicator. need to draw distinctions between the two  

Edited September 13 by Jacob Morres

[Buck Edwards]

It sounds like you're going through a lot. It's understandable to feel frustrated and overwhelmed with all you're dealing with.It's okay to feel like you're not making enough progress. Mental health journeys are often long and winding.

You've done a lot of work. Opening up to your family, seeking therapy, and trying different approaches are significant steps.It's important to recognize that progress can be gradual, especially when dealing with complex mental health issues. Your therapist's plan to address your trauma is a promising step. Hopefully, it will help you find relief.

 Self-compassion is a  crucial thing. What I notice in your post is that you're being too hard on yourself. Let loose a bit. Be kind to yourself as you continue your journey.

Have you considered exploring support groups or online communities for people with similar experiences?

You'll have to use some coping strategies especially with your mental health issues. Track your progress everyday. Journaling helps a lot with this. 

Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and trust that your efforts will eventually pay off.Remember, it's not about being perfect; it's about progress.Your therapist seems to be a valuable resource, so keep going for therapy. Keep working with them and don't hesitate to reach out for additional support if needed.Remember, you're not alone. There are people who care about you and want to help.It's important to remember that everyone's journey is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. The most important thing is to be patient, compassionate, and persistent in seeking help and support.

Just surrender to the flow. Everything will be fine. 

[trenton]

@Buck Edwards thank you for your support.

I have tried Journaling before and I did a ton of it. I stopped doing it because I found that it devolved into more suicidal ideation. I no longer journal unless it is a prompted journal assignment.

Part of what I have been learning is that children of dysfunctional families tend to judge themselves without mercy. Maybe if I stop feeling ashamed of myself over everything bad that happens to me then that would be progress. I can't seem to make this change no matter how hard I try.

How can I find the patience and hope I need when change seems hard?

[trenton]

@Jacob Morres the metrics I use include things like suicidal thoughts and depressive episodes. I have those every few days. It used to be even more frequently than that. On some days suicide seems insane to me. On other days I feel hopeless to the point that I don't care about my family.

Maybe I'm slightly less suicidal than I used to be. I also get better sleep thanks to the med adjustment.

[puporing]

The issue firstly with asking these questions by relying on folks that are not very awake (which is majority of "society") is they are giving answers from a lower state of consciousness. This includes doctors, psychologists, therapists, even most spiritual teachers, and so on. So the first thing I will point out is that without being radically awake their answers are just not as reliable and more than likely still based on a materialist paradigm.

I'm not saying you should now dump them all because there may still be some help they can offer but more in a "practical sense" to live practically as a human than necessarily a "metaphysical or existential sense" based on your true being.. If you are more conscious than your doctor/therapist/whoever you're trying to get a perspective on with, keep in mind you are actually their teacher for the most part. I say this because I have been in your shoes where I know (in the end) the person I was trying to learn from is actually less conscious, and I was actually their teacher.

So with that in mind, I encourage you to be open to the possibility that feelings of "depression" (like the existential kind) may not actually be a "problem"  from a metaphysical perspective. And to keep treating it as a "problem" is actually preventing you from reaching higher states of consciousness. You don't have to believe me but I just offer a different view than the current "scientific/medical" perspective. I still encourage you to find help, but you would figure out what that "help" looks like if you keep digging within yourself for those answers, better than trying to get it from people less conscious than you are.

And if you are still interested in talking to therapists, I recommend finding the most conscious one you could find/afford.

Edited September 13 by puporing

[LastThursday]

It seems like you have a lot going on and you're working on things on many fronts. And it can be difficult to get any sense of growth because of all that stuff. A slightly different way of seeing things is that no matter what happens you're constantly changing and evolving in many different ways, sometimes slowly sometimes quickly. Change can happen very gradually even without you noticing. Or it can happen in fits and starts, which in my experience is more common.

You've chosen to take control over your own evolution and change and that in itself is immense - well done. What happens is you keep working and working on yourself and you feel that nothing changes, then one day all of a sudden everything can "click" into place and you feel different, and then you're into a new phase of "normal". Your move will be a new normal.

You start off by wanting relief from all the suffering, so you already have an idea of what "relief" should be even if it's not well defined for you, you have a destination. Once you get relief, you'll feel light and flowing, and that will drive you to grow even further, there's no end to what can be done.