Chronic guilt in a long-term relatonship

[imit]

Hi there people,

I know that this is the only place that I feel safe enough to share my thoughts and to be sure that I won't be judged heavily, instead I do belive that someone will comment something useful and constructive becuase I really need help. It got to the point where I sometimes in hard moments feel like I just want my pain to end by any cost. I will now provide more context. Sorry for the long story here and thank you for reading.

I'm 27 year old, guy living with my girlfriend for almost 2.5 years, in a relationship for 4 years in total. Our relationship have suffered a great deal of pain through broken trust, temporary brakeup etc. and all coming from my shameful pornography addiction. I have been opening up to my partner from the start, but slowly and slowly working on my issues and I'm now at the moment, almost 400 days free of porn. But, there is a creeping guilt and shame for the thing that I have discovered in the last year when I get off the porn addiction. It was that I have voyeuristic and exibitionistic tendencies and I feel horable about it.

There is just so much guilt and shame becuase I know that I have done things that are not okay in my past, when I was fighting pornography and I think it has resulted as I cut off porn and just got extra hypersexual and then it just transferred from virtual world to the real one. Better to say, I used to use webcam sites to masturbate with web cam girls, to flash strangers on webcams etc on the sites like omegle.. For those internet related things, I was honest about a year ago and we got through that together, she was my support all the time. 

The problem started and manifested one year ago, when:

•  I was getting boner when I got in the bus, sitting next to beautiful and sexy girl, and I just coudn't control myself of not getting boner that was sometimes noticable and I derived gratification from it, but I was not masturbating or flashing my penis
• In our apartment I used to walk naked and to desire to be noticed by the strangers in the near building, but I can't for sure say that I ever flash someone that someone noticed me since the building is far away. In rare occasions in apartment, I would masturbate in hope that someone will notice or caught me, and that thrill got me excited and keept me repeating that behaviour. 
• In locker room, or change room at the pool, there was a lady that cleans the wet floor, one time, when I was changing and got my boner, she entered by accident in the cabin and seen me naked, I'm really sorry now for her in that moment. (in that time, that was hot to me, I know it's wrong)
• Sometimes I was in a car with a tendency to pull out my penis, but I never did that, it was just too much for me and I felt I would be embarassed. Thanks God that I did't acted out on that one.

Usually, Anyway it was not a good thing to do, I know it.  There are just many instances, where it looked like an inocent thing to do, but I know it was not, it was a strong desire for exhibitionism and voyeurism. It's unhealthy fantasy and by physchological viewpoints, a disorder.

I must say that it's not possible for me at the moment to be honest with my partner after so many painful periods in our relatonship. This is by far a most stable period of our entire relationship, and I just know that this would destroy our relationship. I just don't feel safe to be open to anyone except therapist or forum. We love each other so much and there is so much potential to this relationship, I hope that there is a way in repairing rather then destroying whole relationship.

What I have done so far, is to dinstance myself from risky situations by recognizing triggers and avoiding places that would result in my fantasies, also, I research and read a lot about those disorders and for now, I'm about 1 month free from any risky behaviour because guilt and shame keeps me away from it.  This friday, I will aslo go on my first therapy session that I believe it will help me better understand the process of recovery and equip me with neccessary tools for fighting this battle further.

The things that also helped me was to put myself in her shoes and imagine if that's okay from her perspective. 

My main question here is, becuase I'm heavy into sprituality and personal develpment, will my conscience be at peace ever if I recover and not repeat any of damaging behaviours any further. Is it morally right thing to do, to recover in silence and be a better person. Will that be enough to fix the damage that is done? Will I be able to enjoy loving relationship any further?

My core motivations are to be the best possible boyfriend that I can, to be the best possible version of myself and to be the best possible son, brother and many other roles in my life and this thing is just preventing me in doint that and being a functional member of society, to have functional and healthy sex life and relationship with my partner and many other things.

My idea on why this sudden change and motivation to stop, as well as guilt and shame kicking in after so many time in silence, is that I'm finally aware of consequences, damage and impact that I had with my actions since I'm trying to be a better person. Therefore, maybe I could use guilt and shame to prevent any further wrong doing.

Please help, and thanks in advance.

[Atb210201]

The fact that you love your girlfriend is enough and you don't need to feel ashamed or guilty for your past

Because you love her and that's something

Love is enough just focus on the fact that you love her with all your heart

Do not overthink or doubt much about yourself

Just be in that space of certainty that you love her

That's all that is needed friend

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4dUpGPivzA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHaADVfKZoY

https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/art_urges.pdf

[imit]

@Atb210201 Thank you for the kind words. I will do my best.

[Hojo]

Seems like you turned your shame into a kink instead of accepting it. You let your gf brain wash you into doing it. Next time your gf comes home blast the porno get naked on the couch and start jerking off. Say fuck you i can do what I want with my penis.

Theres nothing shameful about a pornography addiction. Being shameful will breed this kind of weird stuff.

Edited September 13 by Hojo