is it okay to borrow my neighbour's keyboard under these circumstances?

[Judy2]

@Michael569

okay i probably only hung out with him because i'm in a bad place and desperate for any form of human connection i can get? and the pool of people i can talk to when i'm having a rough time is very limited. like less than a handful in this town.

he knows i have self-harm scars and i think he heard me having a panic attack once. i'm pretty sure a good rule of thumb is that any man who's interested in me when i'm this messed up (they call it "mysterious"), must also be a little twisted inside, cause why else would they like that? 

"company" was in quotation marks because he used that word to tell me about it. 

Edited September 11 by Judy2

[Something Funny]

@Michael569 i think this is where women complaining that they can't be friends with men comes from. Because if you do this, you are basically never really friends you just pretend to be friends but have an ulterior motive of dating her.

I think it's much more genuine to be direct and do what Leo suggests: ask a girl on a date, be clear that you want to date ger, and if she doesn't want to - move on.

And then treat your female friends as actual friends.

[Something Funny]

13 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

he knows i have self-harm scars and i think he heard me having a panic attack once. i'm pretty sure a good rule of thumb is that any man who's interested in me when i'm this messed up (they call it "mysterious"), must also be a little twisted inside, cause why else would they like that? 

Some people are attracted to that.

Like when you find a lonely, cold kitten sitting in the rain outside.

[Judy2]

@Something Funny yes but maybe that's a wrong reason to be attracted to someone.

if you want someone who feels small that's because a part of you also feels very small and inferior. i think?

which is a shame because who's gonna save me then, if all the people interested in saving me only want to do that because they themselves are broken....

i wish it weren't so, but it's probably not ideal to start a romantic relationship based on one partner pitying the other. or maybe i'm wrong about this:)

it sounds very romantic for sure. maybe it can go both ways.

[Something Funny]

@Judy2 yeah, it's probably not very healthy.

1 minute ago, Judy2 said:

if you want someone who feels small that's because a part of you also feels very small and inferior. i think?

I don't agree with this though. It's just attractive in a weird way. And some people have "saviour mentality".

3 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

which is a shame because who's gonna save me then, if all the people interested in saving me only want to do that because they themselves are broken....

There's a lot to unpack here.

5 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

wish it weren't so, but it's probably not ideal to start a romantic relationship based on one partner pitying the other. or maybe i'm wrong about this:)

I don't think it's about pity.

[Judy2]

@Something Funny why do people say it's unhealthy that i want to be saved then? why is it wrong when i want that and for others it's so romantic.

[Something Funny]

4 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@Something Funny why do people say it's unhealthy that i want to be saved then? why is it wrong when i want that and for others it's so romantic.

It's romantic but is is a codependent relationship. And you will attract other codependent people and it will be a mess, most likely.

But that doesn't mean that people don't love each other or have bad intentions.

[Applegarden8]

7 hours ago, Judy2 said:

stupid question but i thought i'll hear what you guys might have to say on this.

my neighbour asked to go on a date with me in April, to which i said i'm not open to it but we can be friends. we went for a few walks after that and in August he bought a keyboard for himself and also let me play, knowing that i'm having a difficult time. a few weeks after that he confronted me again, asking if i'm sure about friendzoning him (he literally said it like that) and i explained that i'm currently not in a good place and not ready to be with anyone.

less than two weeks after that he informed me that he'd been having "company" and i shouldn't come over to his place, but he offered that i could borrow the keyboard and store it at my place given that he's not really using it. i declined that offer but met him again in the hallway today and he said the offer still stands.

now i wonder if it's justified that i'm hesitant about accepting. on the other hand, it might be good for my mental health to have an instrument to play, as stupid as that sounds. but i don't wanna be a bitch and i don't wanna take advantage or anything, and also don't wanna owe. is my reluctance to say yes justified or should i be a bit selfish and accept?

Well, I was seeing one woman who was not in a good place at the time in terms of her direction in her life musically, but she is and can be a very solid musician/artist. I was ready to train her on a computer DAW, literally give and buy microphone, usb interface, give her a guitar or a keyboard. She denied everything. What to do. I was offering that to her without any strings attached to me. At least I saw that she had and probably has little to no alternative, no further music school no nothing, so the only way for her to keep doing it is to do it at her free time in company or alone if she wants to do music. It's not that she can't, she has all the musical skills needed.

I would say, fuck it, ask him directly. "I hope that we can still be friends and I am not romantically interested, but for this and this reason (improvement of my mental health) it would be useful for me to borrow your keyboard as it is not so needed to you, is that OK?"

If he is really your friend he will listen and respond accordingly. What is selfish here? If you will like it you can buy from him later.

[Judy2]

@Applegarden8 i texted him asking if it'd be selfish and he said not if he's not using it anyway.

...idk, not sure what i'll end up doing.

[Something Funny]

@Judy2 I thought about it and think that you are wrong to say that you are not read for dating because of your mental health.

You will never be ready. You won't just magically change overnight one day. If you keep avoodong relationships, you will never grow and will never learn to have a healthy one.

You need to dive into it and learn on your mistakes.

[Judy2]

@Something Funny

i tried and it messed me up really bad

[Something Funny]

@Judy2 I understand. It's hard.

[eos_nyxia]

@Judy2

Only judging based on what you wrote: there's a good chance that he's trying to prompt you into action based on this detail:

Quote

less than two weeks after that he informed me that he'd been having "company" and i shouldn't come over to his place, but he offered that i could borrow the keyboard and store it at my place given that he's not really using it. i declined that offer but met him again in the hallway today and he said the offer still stands.

1. He may or may not actually have female company.
2. He might be very open and straightforward to a fault without an ulterior agenda, but there's also a good chance that he's mentioning this in an attempt to provoke you to feel desire via a competitive drive, or perhaps even to pursue him. To show you that he's desirable because other women want him.

Personally, I think this is somewhat sketchy behaviour. Someone who has moved on or respected your choice wouldn't bother bringing this up at all:

Quote

 a few weeks after that he confronted me again, asking if i'm sure about friendzoning him (he literally said it like that) and i explained that i'm currently not in a good place and not ready to be with anyone.

A safe rule of thumb is don't assume altruism.

Also, if you're the type of person who has a really hard time saying no, especially the more you feel obliged toward a person, I'd tread really carefully. Be ready to cut ties and run at a moment's notice.

You mentioned that he knows that you used to self-harm? I'd also be careful with that. There are a lot of guys who specifically go after very vulnerable women, which includes: a history of self-harm, eating disorders, anxiety/ depression/ mental illness, and having an abusive family or upbringing. Either it's specifically a fetish or they view you as easy and obtainable, like they know that they will likely eventually be able to convince you to say "yes" by wearing you out and playing a longer game, or eventually waiting and wearing you down to a point where you can't give consent at all. It's predatory behaviour either way.

Quote

now i wonder if it's justified that i'm hesitant about accepting. on the other hand, it might be good for my mental health to have an instrument to play, as stupid as that sounds. but i don't wanna be a bitch and i don't wanna take advantage or anything, and also don't wanna owe. is my reluctance to say yes justified or should i be a bit selfish and accept?

Some men specifically take advantage of this trait in women. Don't be afraid to be a bitch.

[Judy2]

@eos_nyxia thank you for your reply:) i'd have a lot to say about this topic in general.

[Basman]

Accepting will eventually lead to further contact with him by virtue of it being his keyboard. You are not on the same page romantically so it is a waste of time for you to facilitate him manipulating you into having a mutual connection via the keyboard. And its clear that he intends to get into your pants from the way you wrote.

If playing the keyboard is that important to you then you should be able to set aside the funds to buy one yourself.

[Keryo Koffa]

4 hours ago, Something Funny said:

Some people are attracted to trauma. Like when you find a lonely, cold kitten sitting in the rain outside.

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

I dislike that reason, it sounds selfish, they only project their broken self onto you but maybe I'm wrong.

It's true, but in a way, everything is self-projection, else we couldn't relate and communicate to begin with.

But you're correct that there ought to be more, exploration, learning to know someone beyond the initial.

I don't think it's bad though, it just has many traps. But without any self-projection, there is no empathy.

Edited September 11 by Keryo Koffa

[Keryo Koffa]