Random thoughts

[Sugarcoat]

55:

What keeps people going through adversity? Maintaining a strong mindset.

Something I think about sometimes is what keeps people going through adversity. And about maintaining a strong mindset.

This past year has been the worst in my life, and I have been having regular suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it’s so bad I’ll have suicidal thoughts from the morning I wake up until I go to sleep pretty much. 
 

I have like two sides of me. One that has some strength to keep pushing forward, and another that is “weak” , has no strength and wants to end my life. I don’t even wanna call it weak, I see it more as a reasonable reaction to the circumstances I’m in which I won’t go into here because it’s too weird even for this forum. 
 

Maintaining a “strong” mindset is so hard and I feel it doesn’t last long until it crumbles. What I mean by a strong mindset is a mindset that makes you  persevere through adversity. The opposite would be a mindset that wants to end your life instead of persevering through the adversity. I manage to maintain this “strong” mindset for a little while, then it always crumbles and I’m back in suicidal thinking. And so it goes, oscillating between the two.

I have wondered to myself what keeps other people going through adversity instead of ending it or at least thinking of ending it. I hear of cases worse than what I’m currently in wondering how those people keep going while I can barely stand my own situation right now. 
 

I have some theories.

1. Attachments. I feel peoples attachments could keep them going. For example being attached to their own family, and not wanting them to suffer if they die. This is something I lack, I’m not attached to anyone so no person is a reason for me to keep going.

2. Other attachments. I wonder if people have a kind of attachment to life itself. Or to themselves. They are attached to living, to being a person that is a part of the world, being a part of society. They have a “life” in the conventional sense, having friends, hobbies, partners, interests and they are attached to experiencing these things. I don’t really have this that much, because most of the time I’m severely disconnected from myself so it’s like I almost don’t exist at all.

3. Good mental health. When people are dealing with physical pain but have good mental health then their good mental health is like a good foundation they stand on and the physical pain is something that bothers this good foundation but not enough so it crumbles and as long as they are able to maintain good mental health it’s a good enough foundation that gives them a reason to keep living. I don’t really have this because of a reason I described before.

3. Having a reason to go through the pain. Sometimes great pain comes from something great. So for example if a woman is giving birth and is in great pain, her reason for keeping going is that she will have a wonderful baby out of it. Also if someone has had a surgery and are in great pain their reason is that they are in the healing process.

4. Attachment to self image. Im going to use David Goggins as an example here. He has this desire to be “the baddest motherfucker” that is a self image he desires to have, and having this self image entails he preserves through adversity and in his extreme case ever PUTS HIMSELF through adversity (the extreme training) . So he needs to do those things to maintain this self image he has created for himself that he is attached to. He is even afraid of not achieving this greatness, of being old and not having reached his full potential. His case is extreme, but I’ve seen some cases of people having this self image of being “tough” and being attached to this image so this keeping them persevering through adversity. I don’t have this as I don’t have a desire to be “tough”.

5. Knowing it’s temporary. This one is a bit difficult for me to swallow. Some things for me are to unbearable to go through even if they are only temporary. So I’m having a hard time seeing how someone could have this as a reason to keep persevering. Because when something is horrible time slows down and it feels like forever. That is a very strong mindset to have, this mindset of it only being temporary. 

In my case I feel the only reason I’m alive today is that my situation hasn’t become “bad enough”. I don’t have a reason to live, there is nothing that I love, there’s no self image I’m attached to , nor a person, or other things. I don’t know if I would wanna switch places with someone with a “stronger” mindset, or who has attachments, because I hear about these horrible things people go through and I know myself enough to know I would much rather die than go through that.  For example there’s this disease called trigeminal neuralgia which causes horrific pain regularly. Many people with that disease commit suicide apparently, and I know myself enough to know I’d be one of them. I don’t really understand those who persevere through that, but I can imagine that some of the reason I highlighted above could explain it a little. 
 

Hope you enjoyed reading. Thanks

Edited Wednesday at 09:19 PM by Sugarcoat

[Schizophonia]

19 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

55:

What keeps people going through adversity? Maintaining a strong mindset.

Something I think about sometimes is what keeps people going through adversity. And about maintaining a strong mindset.

This past year has been the worst in my life, and I have been having regular suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it’s so bad I’ll have suicidal thoughts from the morning I wake up until I go to sleep pretty much. 
 

I have like two sides of me. One that has some strength to keep pushing forward, and another that is “weak” , has no strength and wants to end my life. I don’t even wanna call it weak, I see it more as a reasonable reaction to the circumstances I’m in which I won’t go into here because it’s too weird even for this forum. 
 

Maintaining a “strong” mindset is so hard and I feel it doesn’t last long until it crumbles. What I mean by a strong mindset is a mindset that makes you  persevere through adversity. The opposite would be a mindset that wants to end your life instead of persevering through the adversity. I manage to maintain this “strong” mindset for a little while, then it always crumbles and I’m back in suicidal thinking. And so it goes, oscillating between the two.

I have wondered to myself what keeps other people going through adversity instead of ending it or at least thinking of ending it. I hear of cases worse than what I’m currently in wondering how those people keep going while I can barely stand my own situation right now. 
 

I have some theories.

1. Attachments. I feel peoples attachments could keep them going. For example being attached to their own family, and not wanting them to suffer if they die. This is something I lack, I’m not attached to anyone so no person is a reason for me to keep going.

2. Other attachments. I wonder if people have a kind of attachment to life itself. Or to themselves. They are attached to living, to being a person that is a part of the world, being a part of society. They have a “life” in the conventional sense, having friends, hobbies, partners, interests and they are attached to experiencing these things. I don’t really have this that much, because most of the time I’m severely disconnected from myself so it’s like I almost don’t exist at all.

3. Good mental health. When people are dealing with physical pain but have good mental health then their good mental health is like a good foundation they stand on and the physical pain is something that bothers this good foundation but not enough so it crumbles and as long as they are able to maintain good mental health it’s a good enough foundation that gives them a reason to keep living. I don’t really have this because of a reason I described before.

3. Having a reason to go through the pain. Sometimes great pain comes from something great. So for example if a woman is giving birth and is in great pain, her reason for keeping going is that she will have a wonderful baby out of it. Also if someone has had a surgery and are in great pain their reason is that they are in the healing process.

4. Attachment to self image. Im going to use David Goggins as an example here. He has this desire to be “the baddest motherfucker” that is a self image he desires to have, and having this self image entails he preserves through adversity and in his extreme case ever PUTS HIMSELF through adversity (the extreme training) . So he needs to do those things to maintain this self image he has created for himself that he is attached to. He is even afraid of not achieving this greatness, of being old and not having reached his full potential. His case is extreme, but I’ve seen some cases of people having this self image of being “tough” and being attached to this image so this keeping them persevering through adversity. I don’t have this as I don’t have a desire to be “tough”.

5. Knowing it’s temporary. This one is a bit difficult for me to swallow. Some things for me are to unbearable to go through even if they are only temporary. So I’m having a hard time seeing how someone could have this as a reason to keep persevering. Because when something is horrible time slows down and it feels like forever. That is a very strong mindset to have, this mindset of it only being temporary. 

In my case I feel the only reason I’m alive today is that my situation hasn’t become “bad enough”. I don’t have a reason to live, there is nothing that I love, there’s no self image I’m attached to , nor a person, or other things. I don’t know if I would wanna switch places with someone with a “stronger” mindset, or who has attachments, because I hear about these horrible things people go through and I know myself enough to know I would much rather die than go through that.  For example there’s this disease called trigeminal neuralgia which causes horrific pain regularly. Many people with that disease commit suicide apparently, and I know myself enough to know I’d be one of them. I don’t really understand those who persevere through that, but I can imagine that some of the reason I highlighted above could explain it a little. 
 

Hope you enjoyed reading. Thanks

I have way to much ego for serious suicidal thoughts, whatever the suffering.

It's like : "After everything i've been through, i can't just die like this."

This narcissistic rage is enough on its own and even more than all the points clarified, even if it is technically the shadow, i guess.

Edited Wednesday at 09:26 PM by Schizophonia

[Sugarcoat]

Just now, Schizophonia said:

I have way to much ego for serious suicidal thoughts, whatever the suffering.

It's like : "After everything i've been through, i can't just die like this."

This narcissistic rage is enough on its own and even more than all the points clarified, even if it is technically the shadow, i guess.

What do you mean by having way too much ego ?

 

[Schizophonia]

3 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

What do you mean by having way too much ego ?

 

I can't stand the idea of dying from a confession of weakness, i almost prefer to be tortured or have a very serious illness. 

It made me feel like I had wasted everything, wasted so much time and suffered so much for nothing, and that is not tolerable in my belief system.

Edited Wednesday at 09:31 PM by Schizophonia

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

I can't stand the idea of dying from a confession of weakness, i almost prefer to be tortured or have a very serious illness. 

It made me feel like I had wasted everything, wasted so much time and suffered so much for nothing, and that is not tolerable in my belief system.

That is a very strong mindset then. Are you really serious though that you’d prefer being tortured? I’d much rather die than that I know for sure.

 

[Schizophonia]

21 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

That is a very strong mindset then. Are you really serious though that you’d prefer being tortured? I’d much rather die than that I know for sure.

 

I'd probably rather get castrated, have my eyes gouged out, have my ears cut off or something than commit suicide.

It would be a terrible disappointment, the ultimate humiliation.

Once again in my software.

[Sugarcoat]

1 minute ago, Schizophonia said:

I'd probably rather get castrated, have my eyes gouged out, have my ears cut off or something than commit suicide.

It would be a terrible disappointment, the ultimate humiliation.

Once again in my software.

Do you see that kind of mindset as a positive thing? I posted the topic in the mental health sub forum btw

[Schizophonia]

9 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Do you see that kind of mindset as a positive thing? I posted the topic in the mental health sub forum btw

It's generally positive, i have a strong attachment to life and by extension (I think it's related) a lot of energy, I live life intensely.

The negative point is that i tend to be conflictual, megalomaniacal, diehard, workaholic etc. Insomnia did not start by chance lol.

I could become a dictator if i let myself go to my shadow, stuff like that. But then yes, never anything morbid.

Edited Wednesday at 10:11 PM by Schizophonia

[Sugarcoat]

1 minute ago, Schizophonia said:

It's generally positive, i have a strong attachment to life and by extension (I think it's related) a lot of energy, I live life intensely.

That sounds amazing 

2 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

The negative point is that i tend to be conflictual, megalomaniacal, diehard, workaholic etc. Insomnia did not start by chance lol.

I could become a dictator if i let myself go to my shadow, stuff like that. But then yes, never anything morbid.

You seem calm when we met

[Schizophonia]

15 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

That sounds amazing 

Yep.

Drinks a can of coconut red bull and go back to making sex jokes for jestermaxx his otter on SSRI and neuroleptic at the same time.*

Go philosophize half the night about how crystallizing the maya through attention inhibits the creative process.*

Because it's not funny if it's too easy.

Quote

You seem calm when we met

I was tired and i didn't really feel like i was welcome to "push" too much apart from some pretty crappy pinches lol.

I can be very tactile and humorous with women, to a lesser extent with men, and have a lot of mental discourse but i don't care about talking most of the time, it doesn't come across like that.

And obviously when I talk about being conflictual etc it is not to the extent of being non-functional.

 

 

Edited Wednesday at 10:30 PM by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

32 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

 I posted the topic in the mental health sub forum btw

Eheh.

Indeed

[Salvijus]

12 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

You seem calm when we met

He was trying to be cool, haha. 

[Schizophonia]

2 hours ago, Salvijus said:

He was trying to be cool, haha. 

 

[Sugarcoat]

13 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Because it's not funny if it's too easy.

Nothing is funny about it being hard 

13 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

I was tired and i didn't really feel like i was welcome to "push" too much apart from some pretty crappy pinches lol.

I can be very tactile and humorous with women, to a lesser extent with men, and have a lot of mental discourse but i don't care about talking most of the time, it doesn't come across like that.

And obviously when I talk about being conflictual etc it is not to the extent of being non-functional.

 

 

Ok I see

[Schizophonia]

3 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

Nothing is funny about it being hard 

Ok I see

There is no pleasure in ease, it is the quest that makes something interesting.

Not just in relationships but in life in general: The harder, the longer, the bigger, the more intense, the better it is. 

[Sugarcoat]

2 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

There is no pleasure in ease, it is the quest that makes something interesting.

Not just in relationships but in life in general: The harder, the longer, the bigger, the more intense, the better it is. 

I don’t feel like that for my situation. I think about suicide all the time. I don’t wanna live like this. I feel so weak

[Schizophonia]

3 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

I don’t feel like that for my situation. I think about suicide all the time. I don’t wanna live like this. I feel so weak

I meant in an "intended" context.

I promise it will get better.

I lack experience but there are non-dual thinkers like Martin Ball who do consultations.

[Sugarcoat]

30 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

I meant in an "intended" context.

I promise it will get better.

I lack experience but there are non-dual thinkers like Martin Ball who do consultations.

Thanks 

[Sugarcoat]

56:

I don’t understand how people have so much to say. Usually my mind is quite empty and I try to think of a reply but I can’t come up with anything of particular substance so I just let it be. I feel I barely have access to my own brain

[Sugarcoat]

57:

Mods looking at my profile makes me think I did something wrong😹