Journey to Self Actualisation

[UpperMaster]

I just took half a dose of 4-fluoromethamphetamine to help me study for an exam I’ve got tomorrow. I was a bit hesitant since I’ve been making real progress with my focus lately, and I didn’t want to mess that up.

The effects kicked in after about two hours. Honestly, the focus you get from a stimulant feels completely different from the kind that comes from consistent meditation.

With a stimulant, it feels more like you're being pushed into focus, like you're locked in, whether you want to be or not. Meditation, on the other hand, gives you this smooth, natural flow. You just ease into it.

At the end of the day, I much prefer the clarity I get from meditation. This felt a bit too intense, and truthfully, I don’t think I need anything external to help me focus anymore

 

right now im experiencing a sort of cooldown effect, where there aren't many thoughts. Kinda pleasant, but can't focus too much.

[UpperMaster]

Update, I went through the comedown but for some reason I had an insane come up. 

This is like second wave. I took such a small dose, I am supposed to be fast asleep but I can't now because I feel super focused and my thoughts are racing. 

 

Fuck. Shouldn't have taken the drug. I got. Pear pressured aswell. Next time when it comes to situations like this where I have to decide on whether or not to take a substance, I won't fuck this. 

 

I didn't even need more focus I already meditate and and happy with the progress. 

 

Im so pissed off.

[UpperMaster]

Macro midterm went pretty well. 

 

I'll be honest, I got a copy of last years midterm and a lot of things stayed the same so I got lucky in a sense. 

I am genuinely developing an interest for the subject. It's so fucking interesting. Even the fact that society runs on what is essentially trust (trust in money). 

All the policies that governments use to keep the economy in check is interesting too. 

Other than that, I lost my 20 day workout and meditation streak because of the 4-fluoromethamphetamine that I took (I got zero sleep and it fucked the next day up)

Today I played some Mafia Definitive Edition. 

I'll be honest, I think I am developing this textbook toxic mentality for success. 

Whenever I take a break from achieving my goals, I get this constant reminder that I am slacking, wasting my time. I start comparing myself to other so much more. 

It's slightly ironic in a sense, because this constant self pressure usually does more harm than good. Like whenever I get into this mental masturbation mindset of critisizing myself, I just end up being way less productive. 

 

I should journal more often

[UpperMaster]

One of the reasons I don't like going out is because I have an extremely strong inferiority complex. 

I hate going out and being with people who are taller, more handsome more socially charismatic than I am. 

Today I went out, had so much fun, but when I come home I am hurting really really bad inside. 

 

My friends who are tall and super handsome went on a trip and had cool stories with women they've picked up. 

Me on the other hand, am still struggling to ask out a girl.

It seriously enrages me. I know I've come far but these things fuck me up really badly.

I really have a strong desire to want to make them feel as bad as I feel, almost as an act of revenge. I want to become so much better, that they go home upset because they can't compete with me. This is a huge fantasy for me. I really want to be not just better than people, but so much better than people that they stop trying because it's hopeless. 

 

I know this seems very immature. I am writing these thoughts down because I am going through them right now. I know this is something I have to work through or whatever. But I really feel this way, I am not going to sugar coat it. 

 

Also another thing I hate is how people low-key look down on me because I am a virgin, like I feel it. 

Ik I can get some girl, but I want a good looking girl Im sorry. I seriously hate when people start giving me advice irl like I am searching for it, fuck off. 

 

Edited yesterday at 06:40 PM by UpperMaster