Journey to Self Actualisation

[UpperMaster]

Everything I hear is hear-say. I will from now on confirm for myself through experience. 

[UpperMaster]

Contemplating if I should continue believing in god

Edited January 1 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

I am understanding the importance of not blindly following Leo so much more now. Not only is Leo not always right, but whenever he talks about a certain subject he talks about it in a specific context which may not match yours. I'm not saying this casually. This is not a trivial observation. Once you realize this, you also realize that have to do this work on your own. No two ways about it. There's no other option. Because only you know your context fully, and only you know where you stand. Mentors and advice help, but in the end, you're the only one to do this work. 

I noticed this by seeing Leo change opinions about things, and also give advice he usually wouldn't give when addressing someone with a specific context. 
 

More importantly, I realized that living your life via only Leo's advice and no self thinking will almost always fail. There will be missing pieces to your puzzle that's different for everyone. And also Leo could be wrong. You have to think these things through.

[UpperMaster]

I studied for my math test for two weeks straight. Yesterday I wrote it and I failed for sure. I'm kind of numb to failure. I dislike it, but like damn. 

 

I hope I succeed more this year man. I won't quit but I hope it pays off. I hope contemplating so much pays off, I hope watching all these videos pay off, I hope all my actions pay off. I've been in self improvement for a while. I hope it pays off.

[UpperMaster]

One thing I will take Leo's word for is his advice on tackling any challenge in life. You don't need to know "how to do something", just that you have the desire to do it. The passion and the ambition will help you uncover how.

 

[UpperMaster]

Lot of things have happened since the last journal entry.

 

I had an insightful meeting with therapist

I tried concerta 

 

I realise that some of my “ambition” or need to prove others wrong is actually source of great pain for me. It hasn’t even helped me be any more productive. It’s just hate that I feel. I feel like it’s a source of great immaturity.

This underlying desire to become better than people, prove people wrong is very strong and is the main reason I am in self-development.

 

lookint back it hasn’t even led me to more progress, I just hate more, feel horrible.

 

This is the first time I’m considering tackling this desire. It’s the reason I’m in self development, but I suspect it’s also one of my biggest constraints in actually developing.

 

Edit: I feel that feeling right now. It's very very strong. I can see why I keep it there, it's so overpowering. I am not sure I can get rid of it I will be honest.

 

edit 2: If I was focused I would capitalize on this feeling

 

Edited January 19 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

Today my father asked me "What have you learned in the last year"? In a semi-sarcastic tone, implying that I am wasting my life. 

I thought about it for a second.

I've gained the most life experience in the last year. I experienced so much failure, I've taken the most steps to progress in life, I messed up relationships and learned so much from them. I've learned more about psychology and philosophy, I've asked so many questions in this forum trying to learn. 

I quickly realized that it was so much. 

I replied I learned a lot, I gained a lot of experience learned more philosophy. 

My father basically gave a reaction ackined to "oh so you didn't do anything but bullshit".

I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. Usually I would feel really bad because there would be some truth to it. Like when my mother points out my faults and failures, I would feel bad, because deep down I am currently not doing as good as I want to. 

However, my father's reaction just made me kinda upset not because he pointed out some truth. but because he has no idea what I do on a daily bases. he doesn't even know who I am neither is he interested in anything I am passionate about. He is a business man, he doesn't give a fuck about philosophy. 

 

I speak to a lot of people, I really hope the work I am doing here pays off. I don't see many people doing it, I pray it will all work good, I am really taking time here.

 

Completely separate issue: 

My mother has also kept using statements that insinuate that I am shallow and manipulative in some way. She keeps doing that. Now I am really thinking on whether or not I have some bad behaviors. I will reflect on that in the soon. 

 

Another separate issue:

I want to understand trump, maga moement and fascism more because some of my friends are involved in that. I got some info I will do research soon.

 

 

[UpperMaster]

Super important lesson I learned from Leo's "How to Avoid Getting Scammed, Cheated, Exploited Conned" video.

 

 

He talks about the trap of Cynicism or being overly Cautious. 

He explains how despite there being many scams and conns, being overly cautious will prevent you from taking action and getting results.

Taking action leads to you interacting with the world and getting back feedback. This feedback is essential, it will allow you to orient yourself to getting better results. 

 

Examples:

Pickup: Pickup community is very grifty and scammy. But quickly dismissing everything in pickup and accepting that the only way to have sex with a hot girl is through having a good jawline and consequently deciding to do absolutely nothing is a mistake. 

Spirituality: Theres a lot of bs in new age spirituality. Doesn't mean realizing in god is impossible. 

Business: There's a lot go shitty business advice. Doesn't mean all business advice is bad.

 

He explains how a lot of time diamonds can be found floating on shit.

 

Cynicism will lead to you not taking any action, sitting around on the couch and criticizing anything. 

 

Sometimes taking action and getting scammed is better than taking no action at all. 

 

EMBRACE THE TRICKERY OF REALITY

 

[UpperMaster]

“Most fulfilling aspect of life is who your going to become by working your ass off to evolve and grow yourself, your gonna have to face your own deepest challenges and inner demons to actualise your full potential. Thats what makes life meaningful and fulfilling, taking on that challenge meaningfully and joyfully.

thats like noble warrior going into battle.”

 

Leo said this in one video, I think its really good.
 

 

[UpperMaster]

I am socializing more with woman.

 

I realise that when I am nice and give good, and kind replies rather than red pill push pull dhinsnigans and that they respond much better. I can’t comment on how effective it is in actually closing with a woman but that’s what I’ve noticed.

 

I have so many habits I developed by listening to red pill. 
 

Interesting.

[UpperMaster]

This is going to be an important post:

Over the past few years, my main obstacle or challenge that I wanted to overcome had to do with low Productivity. To tackle my low productivity, picked up Atomic Habits. I still remember the month I spent religiously trying to apply the framework proposed (cue, craving, response, reward) in the book. 

It didn't work. 

I picked up David Goggin's book "Can't hurt me". Religiously implemented tactics in the book such as accountability mirror, cookie jar etc.

They worked with varying results. The Cookie Jar tactic involves you thinking about your triumphs, and feeding off that to believe in yourself more and accomplish the goal. This worked sometimes, didn't work other times. But when it worked it worked great, for short term goals. 

 

I picked up Relentless by Tim Grover, where he explains that you should use the image of the destination as a fuel. You should think of the end result, and deeply crave it. 

This didn't work 

I used habit tracker dozens of times

This didn't work

I tried dopamine detox

I could never stick with it

I tried all sorts of different mindsets/frames to get myself to work. 

The worked with varying results and weren't reliable to use always.

One tactic that has consistently worked for me is leveraging my superstitious OCD. Superstitious OCD involves a strong compulsion to perform specific actions to prevent perceived bad outcomes, for example, flicking a light switch a certain number of times or avoiding particular clothing items for fear of something going wrong. It is completely irrational.

I realized I could harness this OCD to boost my productivity. By convincing myself that something bad would happen if I didn’t take specific actions (e.g., “If I don’t study two hours every day, this will happen”), I’ve been able to push myself. The key is being specific, vague consequences like “failing an exam” tend to be overwhelming. Instead, I focus on manageable, concrete actions, that I can be compulsive over.

The downside is that this method involves a kind of sacrifice, it relies on associating real discomfort or fear with not completing a task. But the results speak for themselves: using this approach, I lost 10kg in a month and have meditated for an hour a day consistently over the past week. Also idk how good it is for mental health. 

I decided to commit to meditation after trying Concerta recently. It gave me a glimpse of how it feels when your physiology truly supports focus. I hope to replicate that experience naturally through meditation—and for me, leveraging my OCD felt like it was worth the effort

 

[UpperMaster]

Today, I went to my therapist and shared how I’ve been leveraging ADHD to start a meditation habit. I wanted to discuss this with her because I was planning to use my OCD tendencies in a similar way to push myself to work harder and longer hours.

Here’s a summary of our conversation:

First, I mentioned that I’ve started enjoying microeconomics, largely because my teacher has been really helpful. Out of curiosity (as she put it), she asked what I liked about the subject. I explained that the course is divided into three parts: consumer theory, producer theory, and different market types, like perfect competition, monopolistic competition, and monopoly. I even gave her a basic explanation of perfect competition and monopolies, which I find particularly fascinating.

Next, we discussed my focus issues. While she already knew about them, I presented my struggles in a structured way. I told her about my attempts at habit tracking, forming habits using frameworks, and adopting different mental mindsets, all of which didn’t work for me. I explained how, for me, deadlines need to feel urgent for me to focus, bad outcomes alone don’t motivate me unless the deadline is very near. I shared how I discovered a way to “light a fire under my ass” by leveraging be superstitious OCD. I described how I can convince myself that certain bad outcomes will happen if I don’t compulsively take specific actions. This has helped me stay consistent with things like meditation and even losing 10 kg in the past. 

When she asked what kind of bad outcomes I envision, I admitted that one was the fear of someone I know being more successful than me. She then asked several questions to help me better understand this mechanism. She pointed out that I was exerting enormous energy to create an external force to motivate myself, essentially abusing myself with the same kind of extrinsic pressure I often feel from parents and society. She likened it to beating myself with a belt. 

We discussed and agreed that this OCD mechanism has its limits. To effectively use OCD in this way, I’d need to construct scenarios that aren’t too extreme but are motivating enough. Additionally, the compulsive action would have to be something sustainable, like committing to a two-hour study session daily rather than tying it to outcomes like passing an exam. This makes the process very energy consuming and complicated. 

She warned that leveraging OCD like this is a slippery slope. It’s not only a strenuous process but also risks making my OCD worse, where the mechanism starts controlling me instead of the other way around. In retrospect, I realized that over the past few days, my OCD had intensified, and this realization genuinely scared me.

(so two things, she disliked my process because it takes a lot of energy, and can increase OCD)

We also briefly discussed medication, specifically Concerta. She asked why I was resistant to taking it, pointing out that medication could help me work without resorting to abusive tactics. I explained that I didn’t want to feel dependent on it and was concerned it might limit experiences like backpacking. She wasn’t pushy about it but presented medication as an option.

Finally, we talked about solutions. I explained that I resorted to these extreme measures because other strategies hadn’t worked. She agreed but pointed out that I seem able to focus when something genuinely interests me (which is typical for people who have focus problems). She highlighted how I found interest in microeconomics and logical models, suggesting I focus on finding intrinsic motivation in every subject by finding something interesting about it. When she asked what I find interesting about math (because that's the subject I struggle with), I told her about how natural numbers, initially developed as pure theory, later contributed to Schrödinger’s equation and quantum mechanics. 

I realized that intrinsic motivation isn’t just an alternative to extrinsic motivation (in this scenario), it’s superior because it empowers rather than abuses. This realization hit me hard.

 

So I will try to find the intrinsic motivation in things I do. Of-course I tried doing it before, whats changed however is my understanding that it's the best way to empower myself. I know now that If I were to do it any other way I am using self precious tactics which may not be healthy.

I hope things progress. 

 

 

 

[UpperMaster]

I'm coming to terms with my ADHD. I mean this in the sense that achieving extreme productivity on a daily basis is going to be unlikely unless I implement extreme measures such as taking medication.

Productivity God seems like more of a pipe dream now. And I mean this in the most non-trivial way possible. I could be productivity god if I used medicine, but it's unrealistic without it. 

I'm basically forced to develop the skill of intrinsically motivating myself to do things which is extremely difficult. 

And I have to organize my life in such a way that capitalizes from all the healthy intrinsic and extrinsic motivation I get. So even if learning a subject systematically using a curriculum is technically better, I would opt to learn the subject by talking to people about it, debating with people about it, because that also takes into account all the possible sources of motivation. 

 

[UpperMaster]

Even though now I realise the limits of my productivity, I always end up realising how much I want to succeed.

I have to find a way to make things work, to be productive enough to be massively successful. 

I realise how to other people, the effort I am putting in to better myself isn’t seen. They just see the lack of results and assume I’m lazy. 
 

I have procrastinating/focus problems, but the amount of thought, sweat, tears I put in to try to solve this is much more than people think. So much more. 
 

I remember getting on a call with a forum member to try solving my adhd. He gave an excellent list of things I should try. Problem is I’ve tried implementing a lot of them already. I couldn’t get myself to say that, because I knew then there was no other advice to give. 
 

This process is so exhausting. 

[UpperMaster]

I think it's just a matter of time before I hop onto medicine if I don't do something. So I will commit to learning about and implementing Heavy metal chelation. 

 

In the mean time I have to get through exam season. I will use the best study tactics I know to get the most done (which is not going to be a lot per day).

 

1. Calm down relax. The biggest trend I've seen when it comes to prematurely quitting work is getting frustrated by the lack of progress.
2. This leads to my next step. Be proud of what I have achieved so far, because in all seriousness the alternative is that I make zero progress
3. Use Merve Youtube 6 hours. Only study during video. Keep the phone in another room. If I procrastinate during video, I make up for it by pausing the video and working for the time procrastinated. I use no motivation method (where I say to myself, that motivation doesnt exist and that there will never be a better time than right now to work)

This should be enough to get me the little work left for the upcoming exam. I already know most things, so I should revise using this and I should be hopefully solid.

[UpperMaster]

I'm studying for test but I have a realization that I want to address.

This year, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that life is far from trivial. Failing to acknowledge its complexity in every situation can lead to misunderstandings and poor decision-making. If you don’t take the time to think critically and grasp the intricacies of life, the consequences can be serious.  

At the same time, obsessing over every detail is another trap. Truly understanding reality requires immense time and effort, but when you’re in survival mode, you can’t afford to overanalyze every decision. I find myself stuck in analysis paralysis, afraid to act because I don’t fully grasp the situation. But that hesitation itself threatens survival. I suspect that in survival mode, the best approach is to view things scientifically and pragmatically. Overanalyzing the truth in this state may just be another pitfall.

[UpperMaster]

I have very high standards, that's just who I am. 

If I want to achieve a goal, I'll take the action first before overly analyzing whether or not it can be achieved. 

If I try and it doesn't work, then I know for sure, I can pat myself on the back and move on. But not trying will just lead me to regret. 

I will always try. I rather feel the pain of failure than regret. I know my failures will eventually lead to overwhelming success.

It's easy to say everything is cope and then not try at all. It is easy to sob. Doing something anyway even though there is uncertainty is difficult.

I always try. That's just who I am.

Edited February 4 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

I'm progressing in school which is a good thing, confidence increased. passed Micro exam. Family were super stoked. 

I am reading models by Mark Manson. The book is really making sense to me and I am looking to implement all that is in the book. 

I've also discussed dating ideologies and dating advice (from ppl) I've received with my therapist. 

I asked her about whether to take any of these radical dating advice seriously, whether woman or men cheat more, what is a realistic view of dating. 

She told me that I am overthinking, she asked me why I am even asking such questions (alluding to it being a protection mechanism to prevent myself from being vulnerable and trusting life to take me where it may). 

She said that in general relationships end, and for young adults like myself they end quite a lot. Infedility is defenitly a thing that happens. But different relationships end for very different reasons. You cant be so stuck up trying to figure out why relationships in general end, there are so many factors.

She told me to go into relationships looking for experience, she told me that I am overthinking way too much. She told me to be open, to be vulnerable, to get experience. 

I am going to do exactly that. 

I even asked her about people I know who become bitter due to past relationships not working out. She told me that people should actively work to bring closure to these relationships, to stop being bitter and ultimately close that chapter and move on. 

That's a pattern I notice with therapy, there seems to be an emphasis on closing chapters in life that are causing you to freeze, and moving on. Looking forward, moving forward not fixating on the past. 

I think that's really powerful. I think that's super practical.

 

Oh and another thing I notice about my therapist is that she always uses "I believe", never "I know". I think it's important to stay open to new and better understanding, to know that you're constantly growing. To be humble. I think I take myself too seriously.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 11 by UpperMaster