Journey to Self Actualisation

[UpperMaster]

I realize how all of Leo's biases and conclusions have rubbed on to me. I must learn to think more for myself.

[UpperMaster]

It's becoming increasingly apparent to me that I am a very ambitious person, and forcefully being less ambitious or not accomplishing ambitious goals makes me depressed. Sometimes even suicidal.

 

I remember in one of Leos videos he mentioned that some people are naturally more ambitious and need to fulfill on that ambition to be happy. I believe I am that way. I absolutely cannot stand not being able to accomplish large goals. Its a great source of sadness in my life, even though all other parts are decent (I am very grateful for that).

[UpperMaster]

One of the biggest things I learned this year is the power of media you consume. I started consuming blackpill content after my relationship and it has completely destroyed my confidence. I think it was definitely one of the biggest impactors to unhappiness and even failing university. I didn't even consume so much, but I was at a low point and I was losing hope to fight on.

Now I am thinking what if I do the reverse. I bombard my-self with positivity and isn't delusional. Just surround my self with good messages and positivity. 

[UpperMaster]

Btw I forgot to mention some important life updates

 

1. I took comprehensive notes for the first episode on Leos how to get laid series. I decided that I would take woman my priority in life. Now I realize that's not feasible I need to focus on uni.

2. I got introduced to crypto by a friend. He made money doing it, and he explained to me how coins work. It's crazy to me how the price of coins are just based on speculation. Getting rich off crypto is basically theft. It blows my mind how big it is. I'm considering diving into it. Apparently a classmate of mine made a shitcoin and make a k during a law lecture. ahahaha. ethics are questionable ofcourse.

[UpperMaster]

As I mentioned last time, this year I realize the impact media we consume have on our lives. This is an insight that I actually used extensively for the past few days. I've been making sure to consume a lot of positive media, like motivational video etc etc. Whenever I wanted to stop this process I reminded myself the impact that toxic media has impacted my life. 

One of the most impactful tools I've been using in chatgpt voice feature. Whenever I feel down, I would talk to it, ask it to give me motivation and help me get through any struggles. I honestly believe it's one of the best tools out there, this tool has really helped me get motivated. 

Conversations with ChatGPT made me realize a few things about motivation: Firstly I realized that I get motivated by the idea that opportunities I get today aren't always going to be there. For some reason I have been taking all the opportunities I got for granted. With some of the speeches ChatGPT has given me, I realize that I don't have infinite time to self actualize, this has given me a lot more urgency, and I feel it. Today was super productive. 

 

Another lesson that ChatGPT helped me with is the importance of competing with yourself and others. I will provide a screenshot of this conversation because I personally think it phrased it well. Competing with yourself is better for growth (especially in the beginning) , as competing with other people that are much better than you might cause you to burn out. Understanding real world standards and competition with others is still essential because being the best is what gets rewarded.

 

Documenting this journey and actively taking steps to have a more positive mindset defenitly feels like progress.

[UpperMaster]

I want to figure out my life purpose asap. I need to. After I finish learning the local language and get my exams on track im working to buy the course. Then I have to actually do the course. Everything just seems so far away.

 

Now that I write that, I also realize that this time will literally fly. Maybe I can use that as a frame of mind. because I swear yesterday I was at my first day of high school and hear I am in university. Yesterday I was a kid. 

[UpperMaster]

I caught myself fearing success and actively self sabotage myself to release the pressure. This is huge. Never have a caught myself directly in the act. Usually it be in retrospect so it feel like speculation. Fuck man, I realize I am afraid to win.

 

 

btw how this played out irl was that even though I was having a productive day. Right before I could solidly today as a good day, I made a plan to stop working, go upstairs eat a fuck ton of junk food and jerk off. And I felt being uncomfortable with having a successful and good day. It felt like uncertain, like there was anxiety associated with it.

Edited December 20, 2024 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

I gave in 

[UpperMaster]

 

I watched this video. It's interesting because whenever this video came up I always shoved it aside. I knew that, I do a lot of people pleasing, but who doesn't right? Another reason for shoving this video aside is because I think a few years ago when I started getting into self-development, it was a huge issue of mine. I suspect I tackled it by acting like I didn't care and other shallow solutions. I never solved this issue, but I completely forgot about it so maybe I assumed I was over my people pleasing problem.

 

Now I realize that it's one of my biggest sources of unhappiness. I thought the reason I am unhappy is because of how "unsuccessful" I am, but  after watching this video I realize that its more of the fact that other people around me like my parents don't SEE me as successful. I think this is the case. 

 

Also more evidence for this is my obsession with competition and being better than other people. It's more for the validation of other people. I realise, especially the last year, that I don't do any activity where I can't prove I am better than anyone. Except philosophy I stopped doing things for its own sake, rather to show off to others. Even philosophy has now become something that I sell to people so that they like me.

 

Super essential video. Reminded me of one of my biggest problems. Highly recommend.

 

 

[UpperMaster]

Im starting to realise that I am not working hard at all. 
 

I haven’t even tried hard enough. I’m currently looking into management consulting I am seeing how hard they push you in some careers. If you don’t work, you will be forced to eventually.

also I realise that once the expectation/standard is set, it’s easier to work much harder. I have to find a way to set the standard.

 

[UpperMaster]

I feel like I am fighting hard for nothing. I feel like I don't have control in the end of the day. I feel like I am coping with the fact that I have very little control on how my life will turn out.

[UpperMaster]

I went to therapy today. One thing I asked her about it responsibility and victim labeling. She made me realize that things that happened to me when I was younger was something I couldn't possibly deal with at the time, I was too young, I was a victim.

Labelling yourself as such is important to close the chapter and not blaming yourself.

I asked her, when exactly should you label yourself as a victim and when should you take responsibility. She said that it's different, case by case, but the main differentiator is "resources". "Resources" refer to coping mechanisms or the ability to deal with situations effectively. 

When you're young and subjected to bullying or manipulation, you don't have the maturity, mental development, know how to deal with it and resist the manipulation (you don't have the resources). 

When you're older you do have the resources. You know that associating with a narcissistic person is a recipe for pain and disaster. So instead of labelling yourself as a victim you should hold your self responsible and willingly take that responsibility.

 

This is kind of different from how Leo suggests. He suggests radical taking of responsibility, which in my opinion is impractical in some scenarios because it is very hard to do that without unnecessarily blaming yourself.

Of-course all of this is very case by case.

Edited December 25, 2024 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

I keep failing on a daily basis, few days ago I set a habit tracker, couldn't stick with it. I am not able to abstain from certain foods like I want to. I am not working as hard as I want to. I still procrastinate a lot. I'm starting to wonder whether or not this much amount of failure is normal. Everyday I fail, and so I never seem to progress as fast as I want to. 

 

this is seriously killing me, I don't want to go to chatgpt for motivation I feel resistance to it now. Fuck man maybe I should still strive to stay positive. I've documented a lot of my dat to day failures. Everyday is a new gimmick for productivity but I cant seem to pull it off.

[UpperMaster]

I worked 6 hours today. Most productive day so far. I mean, I was focused the entire time.

 

Edited December 28, 2024 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

I worked 5 hours today. I worked till my mind is so foggy I can’t think . I feel great. I am finally putting in the work, I feel great.

[UpperMaster]

I have both my parents, both my grandparents still. I must be grateful. 

[UpperMaster]

I didn’t work at all today. Very minimal language work, that’s it. The reason for this is yesterday night I entertained a series of thoughts that spiked my cortisol. 
 

I was basically went in to fight or flight and couldn’t sleep. 
 

I was imagining a debate about something sensitive and it got heated. 
 

couldn’t sleep after that. Subpar sleep, ny head hurt. I basically wasted the day.

From now I plan to wake up at 5:45 

study from 6-12. Then study from 1-7

12 hours a day.

and I won’t get distracted by thoughts.

[UpperMaster]

This year I want to live life on my own terms. 

[UpperMaster]

I just cried my eyes out. Realising that I am not living the life I want to live. If I lived on my own I wouldn’t do half the things J am doing. I would do everything differently. 
 

i need independence.im not living my life

i hste my life. I realised that no matter how successful I am I won’t be happy like this. It’s not success it’s what I’m doing the way I’m doing it

[UpperMaster]

Security and self confidence require letting go of your need to people please. Letting go of people pleasing happens when you become the source of your own approval. Self validation is achieved by being your own ally, which invloves positioning yourself in the most advantageous way you deem possible. Usually this means aligning your life with your core values—like truth and self-development in my case. 

 

It’s impossible to know with absolute certainty how to position yourself in the most advantageous way. This said, blindly living your life based on the opinions of other people is faulty in my opinion, and limits you to the person’s your trusting worldview, because they are advising you based on their incentives (which might not match yours) aswell as their understanding of reality and truth (which may or may not be good). Blindly trusting someone's advice is the same as blindly trusting their world view, because they give you advice based on that world view. If their world view is true, you should be able to comfirm for yourself. Even with doctors, you should be able to speak to your doctor, understand why they're advising their sollution to your problem, and do proper research.  

 

 

For this reason it is important to trust yourself fully. Don’t delegate authority over your life.

 

You could still be wrong, but at least this way you are independent and are only held back by yourself.