Journey to Self Actualisation

[UpperMaster]

I tried meditating btw and couldn't stick to it. Im not surprised but seriously I need help getting my life together and I don't think I can d it on my own. I've tried so many times but still didn't manage. I need help, I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday. I hope it goes well.

[UpperMaster]

Fuck my ADHD il pass the test on Monday despite it.

[UpperMaster]

This is stage orange redpill content but I think it slaps so I’m sharing regardless: 

 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNecbp3br/

TLDR: Your attention is too valuable to focus on the problems and negatives, focus on the solutions and positives.

Edited November 7 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

I PASSED MY MICRO MIDTERM YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[UpperMaster]

I'm so unhappy thinking about truth, I am so unhappy thinking. Thoughts seem to be just random motion. Sometimes I am optimistic and the world seems fine, sometimes I am pessimistic, and I find every negative "fact" about the world to drag me down. My thoughts don't seem to bring me closer to truth or success (as I change my mind about things on a daily basis). I just feel like I am going in circles, and it's killing me inside. I can't seem to enjoy anything, even though I have many things to be grateful in life for. I want to do well in life. I want success. I want to understand truth but the emotional price to pay for all the debate and internal struggle is so much. Sometimes I feel like I am not getting anywhere. 

[UpperMaster]

I struggle to have faith due to my own skepticism. I pray to god, the same way my parents do. I prayed to god for specific things when I went to pilgrimages and got them every time. It's actually crazy as they were very specific. But if I could always become hyper rational and dismiss it as "lucky". But I swear sometimes I feel like it's slight gaslighting. Reality is spectacular. How is this anything but magic. Or maybe science is right and I'm just imagining things. Possible. But swinging from one perspective to another constantly feels very unstable and really hurts emotionally. 

[UpperMaster]

I feel incredibly emotionally unstable, with my mood changing frequently throughout the day. What’s most frustrating is how my worldview keeps shifting. In the morning, I see everything through a scientific lens, but by evening, I lean more toward spirituality, especially because I’ve had some experiences that feel supernatural. Then, the next day, I dismiss those experiences as mere coincidences. Later on, I adopt a materialistic outlook, where making money seems like the only priority, only to wake up the next morning convinced that making people laugh is what matters most. This constant change in values and perspectives happens every day, and I’m not sure why.

 

There is a lot of evidence for this in this journal. It’s killing me inside lmao. 

[UpperMaster]

I’ve realized that my self-development journey has often been reactive, full of intense, emotion-driven insights that felt scattered and overwhelming. In retrospect, many of my reflections seemed inflated by the need for immediate change. I decided to consolidate all my thoughts in a list. I wanted there to be a delay between when I gained a potential insight and when I post it on this forum.

Thinking Long-Term
I recognize the importance of patience in the growth process. I may be rushing, expecting instant results, but real change takes time. I might already be on the right path; I just need to trust the process.

Accepting Limitations
I realize that I might have been in denial about my own limitations. I’m not as naturally sharp as I once thought, and things don’t come as easily as they used to. This doesn’t mean I’m failing—just that I need to be honest about my starting point.

Reigniting Risk-Taking
I've held back on taking risks lately, even though I'm naturally inclined to. I miss the thrill of stepping out of my comfort zone. Taking calculated risks brings growth and rewards.

The Value of Spirit
Having a lively spirit, a certain energy in my actions, is crucial. It’s this quality that keeps me motivated and moving forward.

The True Reward of Risk
It’s not the act of taking risks that drives me but the sense of release and satisfaction after succeeding at something challenging. That’s what I crave, and it’s a reminder to embrace the risk itself.

Therapy and Focus (1st Therapist session on the issue of focus)
I spoke with my therapist about my struggles with focus, especially during tests. She suggested I explore potential issues, like how I process information on screens versus paper. Even though I know I don't have dyslexia, I’m open to investigating all angles to work on this one step at a time. After this session, I realize how important it is for you to solve your own issues. Even a therapist (someone that wants to help you, and has the so called expertise to do so) can't always fix your life. In the end, it's you. I believed that ADD medication would solve my issues, but now I doubt that, it's me. 

Building Patience
I recognize that patience is essential, and it’s something I need to actively cultivate. I am disappointed with any of my progress because for some weird reason I believe that it should all happen at once.

Taking Responsibility
I know that no one else can fix my situation for me. It’s on me to make the changes I need. This is thought  that was reinforced after a therapy session. 

Waiting for the Right Moment
My mom’s advice: “Wait for your opponent to make a mistake.” Everyone has flaws; instead of constantly making bold moves, sometimes avoiding mistakes yourself is enough to stay ahead. This was an insight I thought about this week.

Gratitude
I need to remember to be grateful for what I have now, not just focus on what’s missing or what’s next. I have so much. So fucking much. 

Embracing the Hail Mary
I see value in going all-in on something risky, knowing that it could lead to something extraordinary.

Fueling Motivation from the Past
If I can recall the sting of feeling powerless, I could tap into a well of motivation that would keep me from settling or losing focus. I forgot the pain I felt from the past when someone did me wrong. Remembering that pain, makes me so motivated. It has a distinct flavor, but god it hurts. 

 

I completely flunked the math test which is amazing. I am going to start studying for the next one right away so it doesn't repeat itself.

Edited November 13 by UpperMaster