Journey to Self Actualisation

[UpperMaster]

I tried meditating btw and couldn't stick to it. Im not surprised but seriously I need help getting my life together and I don't think I can d it on my own. I've tried so many times but still didn't manage. I need help, I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday. I hope it goes well.

[UpperMaster]

Fuck my ADHD il pass the test on Monday despite it.

[UpperMaster]

This is stage orange redpill content but I think it slaps so I’m sharing regardless: 

 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNecbp3br/

TLDR: Your attention is too valuable to focus on the problems and negatives, focus on the solutions and positives.

Edited November 7, 2024 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

I PASSED MY MICRO MIDTERM YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[UpperMaster]

I'm so unhappy thinking about truth, I am so unhappy thinking. Thoughts seem to be just random motion. Sometimes I am optimistic and the world seems fine, sometimes I am pessimistic, and I find every negative "fact" about the world to drag me down. My thoughts don't seem to bring me closer to truth or success (as I change my mind about things on a daily basis). I just feel like I am going in circles, and it's killing me inside. I can't seem to enjoy anything, even though I have many things to be grateful in life for. I want to do well in life. I want success. I want to understand truth but the emotional price to pay for all the debate and internal struggle is so much. Sometimes I feel like I am not getting anywhere. 

[UpperMaster]

I struggle to have faith due to my own skepticism. I pray to god, the same way my parents do. I prayed to god for specific things when I went to pilgrimages and got them every time. It's actually crazy as they were very specific. But if I could always become hyper rational and dismiss it as "lucky". But I swear sometimes I feel like it's slight gaslighting. Reality is spectacular. How is this anything but magic. Or maybe science is right and I'm just imagining things. Possible. But swinging from one perspective to another constantly feels very unstable and really hurts emotionally. 

[UpperMaster]

I feel incredibly emotionally unstable, with my mood changing frequently throughout the day. What’s most frustrating is how my worldview keeps shifting. In the morning, I see everything through a scientific lens, but by evening, I lean more toward spirituality, especially because I’ve had some experiences that feel supernatural. Then, the next day, I dismiss those experiences as mere coincidences. Later on, I adopt a materialistic outlook, where making money seems like the only priority, only to wake up the next morning convinced that making people laugh is what matters most. This constant change in values and perspectives happens every day, and I’m not sure why.

 

There is a lot of evidence for this in this journal. It’s killing me inside lmao. 

[UpperMaster]

I’ve realized that my self-development journey has often been reactive, full of intense, emotion-driven insights that felt scattered and overwhelming. In retrospect, many of my reflections seemed inflated by the need for immediate change. I decided to consolidate all my thoughts in a list. I wanted there to be a delay between when I gained a potential insight and when I post it on this forum.

Thinking Long-Term
I recognize the importance of patience in the growth process. I may be rushing, expecting instant results, but real change takes time. I might already be on the right path; I just need to trust the process.

Accepting Limitations
I realize that I might have been in denial about my own limitations. I’m not as naturally sharp as I once thought, and things don’t come as easily as they used to. This doesn’t mean I’m failing—just that I need to be honest about my starting point.

Reigniting Risk-Taking
I've held back on taking risks lately, even though I'm naturally inclined to. I miss the thrill of stepping out of my comfort zone. Taking calculated risks brings growth and rewards.

The Value of Spirit
Having a lively spirit, a certain energy in my actions, is crucial. It’s this quality that keeps me motivated and moving forward.

The True Reward of Risk
It’s not the act of taking risks that drives me but the sense of release and satisfaction after succeeding at something challenging. That’s what I crave, and it’s a reminder to embrace the risk itself.

Therapy and Focus (1st Therapist session on the issue of focus)
I spoke with my therapist about my struggles with focus, especially during tests. She suggested I explore potential issues, like how I process information on screens versus paper. Even though I know I don't have dyslexia, I’m open to investigating all angles to work on this one step at a time. After this session, I realize how important it is for you to solve your own issues. Even a therapist (someone that wants to help you, and has the so called expertise to do so) can't always fix your life. In the end, it's you. I believed that ADD medication would solve my issues, but now I doubt that, it's me. 

Building Patience
I recognize that patience is essential, and it’s something I need to actively cultivate. I am disappointed with any of my progress because for some weird reason I believe that it should all happen at once.

Taking Responsibility
I know that no one else can fix my situation for me. It’s on me to make the changes I need. This is thought  that was reinforced after a therapy session. 

Waiting for the Right Moment
My mom’s advice: “Wait for your opponent to make a mistake.” Everyone has flaws; instead of constantly making bold moves, sometimes avoiding mistakes yourself is enough to stay ahead. This was an insight I thought about this week.

Gratitude
I need to remember to be grateful for what I have now, not just focus on what’s missing or what’s next. I have so much. So fucking much. 

Embracing the Hail Mary
I see value in going all-in on something risky, knowing that it could lead to something extraordinary.

Fueling Motivation from the Past
If I can recall the sting of feeling powerless, I could tap into a well of motivation that would keep me from settling or losing focus. I forgot the pain I felt from the past when someone did me wrong. Remembering that pain, makes me so motivated. It has a distinct flavor, but god it hurts. 

 

I completely flunked the math test which is amazing. I am going to start studying for the next one right away so it doesn't repeat itself.

Edited November 13, 2024 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

A lot of things happened in my life since the last time I updated this journal. Firstly I went out with a girl 1 for lunch, I saw her in the library and decided to chat with her. We talked for hours and after our conversation ended a slid into her DM's and I set up a date. Date went alright, I don't know if I completely feel her. I asked an another girl (girl 2) out in the beginning of the year, she said she didn't have time so I thought that was a soft rejection and moved on. I didn't make it weird between us, I still teased her occasionally in class and kept it playful. Yesterday we talked, ended up going out on coffee. I think we were feeling each other. I think it went well, there's potential there. There's another girl on my mind, I never made any formal moves on her but I think I should. She is my type physically plus she has a great sense of humor. That's something I've been thinking about. 

 

In terms of my self-development, I've been thinking over the concept of trusting the process and how I haven't been doing that much in my own life. The idea is that instead of registering all my short term failures as failures, I start seeing them as necessary steps to success. I try to see failures as neccecary steps to succeed.

Few days later I was gardening at my families house, and I was reflecting on how to do good gardening. The previous owner said something along the lines of "Its not about gardening a lot in a day, it's about gardening little by little every day". This made me reflect on the effect of long term investment into a project. This led me to watch Leo's video about long term investment twice. I think it's so important. It's obvious I must start investing now. I've been deeply trying to understand what to invest in.

 

A huge dilemma I have been having is that you can't have it all, in the sense that you can't invest in everything and you must invest in the right things carefully. Before I used to think, "oh I might go build a business or become famous, make a fuck ton of money,  have a bunch of sex so I can prove everyone wrong, and then I can live like I truly want". That can't be done, because building anything of value including proper fame takes time. So I can't pick everything. I have to make sure that what I'm investing in is something I truly care about. I have to eb strategic. 

 

Apart from that the last thing I want to share is my progression with the therapist. After our first meeting I wrote her a mail pretty much crying to her about all my problems (I won't share here), which surrounded a deep self hatred. This completely shifted the trajectory of our counseling and we talked more about that this time. She explained how, instead of looking at events chronologically, we recognize that there are several layers to this problem and we address it one by one over several sessions. This time we touched identity. This really was a weird to think about. Its weird because I don't want to share too may details here, but essentially we realized that I don't have a strong concept on who I am and what my identity is. Maybe a little context, I am a first generation immigrant, grew up here, so there might be a bit of ambiguity with what I identify with. She asked me, "who are you", there was a struggle to answer. I don't have strong roots into who I am. I explained to her my concern that although I understand the importance of having a foundation, I don't want it to cloud me, as I don't want it to interfere with my philosophy. Since with philosophy you almost have to get used to being groundless. Here we're trying to ground myself onto something strong. She understood so im happy about that. She asked me to write about an essay "Roots and resentment" roots probably referring to the what grounds me to who I am. She said they are contradictory but that's why I must reflect on it. I will do that.

 

I almost forgot, I've been hitting the gym get. I even am getting my diet right getting enough protein. I also met an exchange student from the Netherlands today. idk random details but I thought it was cool.

 

This is all for now, Im happy to keep this journal up. I hope I can grow a lot, the journal would mean a lot in retrospect if I actualize.

 

[UpperMaster]

Yesterday me and my friend went pick-up. I couldn't muster up the confidence to do a single pick up. Right now while writing this I am sitting in the library and there's this girl that I would defenitly fuck. She's thick, she isn't conventionally attractive as nowadays people the industry prefers skinny, but she thick the way I like it. I want to go for her, but I just can't get myself to do so. Last time I did pick-up properly I approached like 5 woman, now I cant seem to do this. fuck.

[UpperMaster]

I'm not great enough

[UpperMaster]

I caught myself having suicidal thoughts. I am scared on this. Its because I hate myself because I am not successful enough, and right now I don't have hope that I can succeed, especially as I am studying for this exam (and I can see how incompetent I am in learning). The pain of not being successful is very bad for me, probably because of some other traumatic shit. I just didn't expect it to be so overbearing that I have thoughts like this. I've thought of of not existing before but it wasn't that alarming because it was just un the heat of the moment. But right now I have some actual suicidal thoughts. The pain I feel of not being successful is super high, not being successful as I want to be is literally unbearable, and unlike some before me I am not able to use this pain to succeed, like I try but fail. So the fact that I am underperforming in life compared to others is killing me, as my standards are so much higher. I seriously feel hate towards myself.

[UpperMaster]

I was slowly taking myself out of the competitive and extremely ambitious self critical, self hatred state of mind that I’ve been in the past few days. I was trying to start a conversation with my mom about how unlike other things mathematics is very difficult for me, I have to spend much more time trying to solve problems compared to others. I was trying to communicate with her how I found that interesting, by saying damn I must put in 3 weeks to get a decent grade while others can put in a week. She heard what I said and then was “like yea three weeks isn’t shit, some people study for the whole year because it’s harder for them and they aren’t complaining like you”. 

wtf I am just trying to talk with her and she has to turn it into a lecture about how I am bad at everything and don’t try. I got pissed the fuck off. 

instantly felt insane amount of self hatred. My mother does everything for me, but I rather her not do anything and not make me feel so shitty all the time. 

I feel fucked because there’s truth in what she says, I am a failure. It’s just pisses me off when you shit on my efforts when I try not to be. Makes me hate myself more, and I hate that she keeps making me feel that way. I know she knows what she’s doing but she keeps doing it.

 

I want to move out, prove to her I can succeed on my own. But I’m not even sure I can do it, I feel fucked man.

[UpperMaster]

I hate that people don’t take me serious. People don’t take me serious because I don’t achieve anything serious (I know that). I’m seriously insecure about that. I don’t want to achieve just a high level of success, I want to achieve the highest level of success.
 

I also hate how this looks to anyone reading. It probably looks like some angsty teenager that’s immature and is probably not gonna make a huge global impact, just another forum member that’s spends more time talking then taking action. 

[UpperMaster]

I care about philosophical matters as do I about my material success. But I realise that I am forced to put truth in the back burner because I am so angry about my situation. It sucks because it seems like I can’t have it both ways. It seems like I can’t properly do philosophical inquiry if I also keep trying to survive and succeed materially.

[UpperMaster]

One thing I got to admit that drinking alcohol does for me is it helps me detach slightly for the paradigm I’m in. Maybe paradigm isn’t the right word, I mean like world view. 
 

I’m drunk right now and I realise how imature and constipated my world view becomes when I become super insecure and competitive. 

[UpperMaster]

My best friend in middle school and high school made me hate myself so deeply and I am positive that, that is effecting my life right now so much.

 

i realise how much I devalue myself because even though I got things going well for myself. I devalue myself because he made me think I am bad, even when I’m not. I think this defenitley has to do with something I am “resentful” about. I will discuss this with therapist.

[UpperMaster]

Man Im studying for the micro-midterm tomorrow and I am positive I would pass if I studied more. Now im sitting here accepting failure again. So much failure when will I succeed.

[UpperMaster]

Last few times I studied for an exam I actually started on time, but I wouldn't do enough work regardless. I think there should be more emphasis on doing good work in the time you have. Consistency is not enough, good consistency is needed. I've been consistently going to a language class for a year and a half, very little progress because I don't do it super effectively. Effectiveness matters a lot.

[UpperMaster]

Today I had a therapy session and I cried. We started talking about resentment. I began to tell her my speculation on what my "resentment" was and she stopped me as soon as I started because she felt like I was analysing and generalizing. I was being too politically correct. She guided me to share how I truly felt and not some politically correct theory on how I felt. 

 

I talked about the guy from high school and something he did to me. I cried. I was surprised the emotions were still there. 

after speaking for a while, we found out that I was blaming myself for the abuse that he put me through, and I wasn't able to recognize that I was a victim. 

She asked me "What would you say to the younger version of yourself?" : I remember slipping up and saying "I would forgive myself". Then she pointed out and asked me for what I was forgiving myself, I didn't even do anything wrong. And that's how my resentment towards myself was kind of exposed. 

 

It was so true. I was victimized. I didn't tell anyone about many of the things that were going on. I was a kid. I didn't know any better. And I was blaming myself. 

To stop blaming myself there was difficult, I felt resistance and even a feeling of disgust.

Truly interesting stuff. I will continue to try to find ways of stopping blame onto myself.