Journey to Self Actualisation

[UpperMaster]

I am either going to be massively successful, or will live in denial for the rest of my life. I accept that. I'll get successful or die trying.

[UpperMaster]

Full disclosure my previous post was because I have very little belief in myself because of blackpill ideology, and I feel as if the only way to get me working is by making it acceptable for me to work even if I fail. 

Idk how to get out of thus. Logically why I don't believe in myself doesn't make sense but I feel like this regardless. 

 

I guess I am starting to realize that I cant fake maturity, that I have to go through this process of self-doubt. I have to experience life more. I have to allow myself to experience life more rather than just be stuck up with getting things right.

[UpperMaster]

In order to become a mature person, I have to go through these experiences

[UpperMaster]

There are many nights where I can’t sleep because it’s like I ain’t as successful as I want to be. Right now I’m tripping aswell. It’s 2 in the morning. I’m tripping. I haven’t fucked yet, I haven’t made any money I need to ASAP. I soo want it please wtf. 
 

How is can ny dad earn 6+ figures but I’m a piece of shit useless. I gotta boss tf up. 

[UpperMaster]

I just read the post I wrote about self doubt and now I’m a bit calmer

[UpperMaster]

Ok super important notes I want to make today. 

I now understand that you have to bring value into a relationship. You can’t get a girl and bring no value. The reason I understand this deeply more now is because I experienced today how it felt like when a girl likes you but you don’t like her back. I now empathize more with woman who don’t find some men attractive and reject them. When you’re not attracted to someone, accepting your advances is somewhat cruel to you.
 

today I went out with my friends, among which was this girl who is really nice, but I didn’t find attractive. I really think she was interested in me. The reason why is because she complemented how I looked many times, my new haircut my fashion. Touched me more, or tried to touch me more, and also looked at me with that “I want to fuck” look.

I might be delusional but even if I am, I finally understood to some extent at least how it feels to not be attracted to someone that likes you. 

this specifically opened my eyes to how relationships are transactional and that you can’t expect someone to like you if you don’t fulfill your side of the transaction aka you being attractive.

it made me realise how I should become more attractive to woman, and I should think less of just myself see how I provide for them. Because I would also reject some woman or not sleep with them if they don’t meet a standard.

 

 

 

 

[UpperMaster]

I realise that the main reason I do everything is because of woman. Woman are my main distraction I guess. It’s becoming such a big thing in my head that I feel like it’s blocking me from maturing. If I keep staying at this stage of being desperate for woman. It will not good. I am thinking of dedicating my life to getting woman. I need money for that so working and getting some money maybe through a business is neccecary. 
 

I just realise how it completely messes up every experience that I have. I don’t seem to enjoy anything because I want to be with a girl I find attractive. It’s always in the corner of my head. 
 

 

I’ll contemplate further and further and see if it’s a decision I should commit to. 

[UpperMaster]

 

You don’t need to deserve success. You can be an asshole and be successful. Success is achieved solely on doing the actions required to attain it. 

 

[UpperMaster]

I don't know if il ever be enough, I wish the internet never existed, I wish social media never existed. 

[UpperMaster]

I think I should focus more on marginal improvements. 

[UpperMaster]

 

Starting to hate blackpill. Looks do matter, looks can make a huge huge huge difference. People who have great looks have an easier time getting woman, but I strongly believe that blackpill is missing a huge part of truth because I know a guy in real life that blackpillers would disregard as someone who is too ugly for dating but has a hot girlfriend. I don’t know how it happens, but it does.

 

 

[UpperMaster]

 

Friend that helps me study told me that I don’t succeed because I don’t try and give up too easily, and that I should learn to trust myself. I give up without trying but after trying I understand. 
 

maybe In just not believing in myself

 

 

 

[UpperMaster]

 

The fact rhat we put our selfs on the moon is crazy. The face that we created smartphones and computers is crazy. Beyond crazy. We as humans have done the inpossible several times, why can’t I? 
 

Maybe I should adopt the belief that if I do the work required anything is possible.

 

[UpperMaster]

I feel like giving up, but when I do give up momentarily it just sucks even more so than I keep fighting. But it sucks. 

[UpperMaster]

I think I’ve entered learned helplessness. I feel so guilty for having it because objectively I have it sooo much easier than other people but I’m struggling. 

[UpperMaster]

Being exceptional is so fun. I helped my friend with his presentation. He said I was talented and should charge this for the hour. Felt good being competent is something.

 

I know I’m super competent in this because I was awarded the best presenter in my class last year.

unfortunatkry that’s not enough to pass the year so I didn’t pass lmao.

i hope life gets better. Im so frustrated, I don’t have any real problems but in so stuck and failing. 

[UpperMaster]

I think another thing is I have so high standards for myself, I don’t have the humility to take little steps. 

[UpperMaster]

maybe I am over complicating in life in general

Edited October 20 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

Major Major Major life decision: Strict Information Diet. I won't watch Actualized.org for a while. 

I was thinking about the importance of thinking for yourself and being your own authority. I realized how important it is to confirm things for yourself and not take other peoples word for it. I can't talk for other people, but I certainly realized for myself that I personally believe pretty much 99.999 percent of things because of here say from other people rather than my own real life experiences. I found this extremely disturbing, because to me, getting answers online, from a book and even people adulterates your understanding of something. When someone gives you an answer, not only do you not know if the answer is even valid, but also you don't understand the context to which the advice is given. Context changes everything. You can take the advice of "Never give up" for example. It is great in some contexts, but in other contexts in life I can see how giving up an ideal can help you lead a better life. Additionally, I feel like a slave to the media around me.

I dislike how I am going about learning the material in actualized.org. I feel as though I am not thinking through each of the points like Leo has. I also realized that I started thinking of Leo an an authority figure. He says not to do this, and that's the advice I'm seriously going to take from now on. 

I am no longer going to consume books, YouTube videos, TikTok, Instagram. I am not gonna read advice from reddit. 

If I have a problem in my life, I will either 

1. Ask someone I know 

2. Read Scientific Studies (I'll find studies on google)

3. Contemplate for myself

 

I am not sure if I should still listen to music, because a lot of music I listen to contains perspectives that may or may not represent truth entirely. The whole point of this experiment, is to streamline my truth finding process. I will do things on my own, I will learn to think. Hold myself as the authority, develop opinions other people may not even have because Im thinking on my own. I want that confidence. 

After I do that, I will approach Leo's work again as well as other peoples perspectives. 

I will post here of course because I think it's great to journal this chapter of my process. 

The drawbacks of doing something like this are 

1. Takes longer to come up with solutions 

2. Might not benefit from other peoples solutions to problems

 

These are drawbacks, that I think are fine. its the price to pay for independent thought and self authority. 

 

 

 

[UpperMaster]

My motivation for doing the challenge is realizing how much dogma is in popular media. 

I used to believe you can't be friends with a chick. I am friends with a chick now.