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UpperMaster

Journey to Self Actualisation

180 posts in this topic

Alright yesterday didn't accomplish everything as planned, I will try another strategy again. I don't even know why I bother trying but honestly I have nothing better to do. This time I will use another strategy, I don't think I tried this in particular. The idea is this: I know that I can only work productively for a certain amount of time until I become unproductive. So I will use that as motivation and urgency. I will recognise that me procrastinating basically wasting the only time I have where my mind will be productive. After this productive timeframe, eventually no matter how much I try productivity becomes harder. Ok so I will try this out now.

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Realised how important money is. Money actually moves things. Money makes things happen. I was born pretty well off, was oblivious to how important it is. Its fucking important.

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Oh I do remember this one time I was super motivated ans basically lost 10 killos in 3 weeks, and thats when I liked this girl. I don't think I ever wanted something more in life ahahaha. Maybe I just don't want it enough and it's not ADHD. or maybe if you want something enough, it doesnt matter how much ADHD you have.

 

But even then I mean, I wanted her so bad I basically fear mongered myself to work so...mhmmm idk

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I'm panicking and procrastinating. I watched this video. 

 

Here he talks about how doubting yourself is normal, and having anxiety about whether you ahiceve the goal or not is completely normal.Even billionaires have this fear.   

He also explains also how riding highs and lows are important, but during the lows to have a list of successes you can remind yourself of. Sort of like David Goggin's cookie jar.

Anyway, now Im going to embrace the anxiety I have and maybe that will be conducive to work. 

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I took one of the exams today, I did so badly, its confirmed. I failed. Im failing the year. Fuck I got to repeat it. I don't know what to think about it honestly. 

 

I've been getting back into blackpill lately, I really don't like how I was avoiding it, I was scared of it being true, and I was using actualised.org as hope for it not to be true. I don't like how I was scared of truth and so was unable to properly explore this perspective. I think I'm slowly getting into it. This is my journey, I'll try to find truth, I'll explore different perspectives. Blackpill YouTubers do have some points. I really started to dislike false hope. Blackpill ideology is still an ideology however, I am aware of that. There are clear ideological aspects of blackpill, which I don't like. But I will try not to be afraid of adopting ideas from the blackpill if they have truth in them. 

Anyway yea so I pulled an all-nighter yesterday and I fucked up the test today, I can't sleep right now I'm pretty depressed. It is what it is. 

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I just realised I was going to adopt and force a full on blackpill ideology because it allowed me to live a certain way which seemed appealing, like a sort of fantasy. Trying to align with truth is so hard, it's like you sacrifice happiness for it. It's so hard to align with truth no matter the emotional cost. I want to know what's really going on in the world, not yet in the metaphysical (I will get there), but in normal human everyday life. Fuck it, I guess I just won't be happy then.

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How many people in this forum question Leo? I want to be one of them. I don't want Dogma. I remember the first time I saw how delusional mass amount of people can be is when I read actualized.org haters, it's like they never even opened a fucking video to see the lessons and depth. They don't even do the basic research. If thats how the masses operate to find truth than I can't trust the masses, I have to find truth for myself. 

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Today is my best friends, birthday. I wrote a letter for him and sent it at 12 am. He is a very good friend of mine, I hope is has a great year and life. I ordered a DNA test for him a few days ago as his birthday present. I remember not long before, we talked about DNA tests and I guaranteed to him that if he took it he would be at least 4 percent Afghani (he is Persian, and Persian people don't like Afghanis), and he was like hell naw. We bet 4k ahahahaha. So yea I'll be collecting money after he takes this test. I attached a map of Iran and Afghanistan, you'll see there in the same place so no way he doesnt have Afghani in him.

 

Anyway so that and I watched half a video on why we avoid truth. It's very difficult for me to understand when Im avoiding truth or not, sometimes it's obvious but I want to get better at it. He says something very interesting though, that if he knew how much work it would take to get success in business or in dating, he wouldn't do the work. ahahaha. So he admits that he had to not face that truth, or lie to himself on what is required to get him started. For me thats fascinating. but I really want to know when to lie to yourself and when not to. Thats why I asked a forum question today. 

 

Other than that Il try to pass the next exam, either way I am failing the year but I only need to repeat the subjects I failed so if I pass the next exam it will be better. Anyway back to work I guess.

 

 

Screenshot 2024-09-06 at 12.20.10.png

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So many things have happened recently, I will cover main lessons one by one after my exam. One thing I do want to write about today is how my initial vision for this journal is unrealistic. I thought that this journal could be a way to show my journey detailing all the ups and downs, and show myself and other people that this process is very human and messy. That its not a linear progression. 

 

I don't think I can do that anymore, because there are so many insights and lessons that I learn, it's very difficult to keep track real time. Another thing is that technically I've started this journey years ago, so this journal paints a false image of where I currently stand. That said, I will still write the way I did till now. Just jot down thoughts. But I do want to remind myself that there is way more going behind the scenes (for when I read the journal later).

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Topics I should cover for this journal (Note to self so I don't forget)

1. ADHD cure -- My call with forum member (also additionally some advice on dating)

2. Difference between really wanting something and wanting something

 

Edited by UpperMaster

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Reminder to self - don't forget to write about living with open heart aswell. Edit: Nevermind

Edited by UpperMaster

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ADHD Cure -- My call with Forum member (also additionally some advice on dating)

I am grateful for the members of this forum. Last week I had a three hour call with a forum member discussing a problem I was going through. I deeply suspect that I have a form of ADHD, as the experience that I share is very similar to the experience ADHDers complain about. I also started a thread in the forum because I was getting quite desperate. 

To gain more clarity around my situation I contacted a friend on this forum to help me out, as I felt as if my ADHD was effecting my life deeply and I didn't know what to do. The gist of my issue was the following: "I have all the symptoms of ADHD, I feel like I have ADHD, one of the only effective strategies I found to motivate myself is by fear mongering myself,  and my life is not improving nearly as much as I want to I am literally failing a grade please help me.  Should I go to psychiatrist, possibly get prescribed? Should I perform chelation?"

Ok so the call was very good. To summarize we decided that going to the psychiatrist and getting prescribed is an option but should be considered only after trying to fix my problem on my own. He elaborated on the idea that small things could affect my productivity and focus quite a lot, and I should first focus on making sure that I am drinking enough water, eating enough calories etc. Then we talked about bigger changes that I could implement.

 

Here's a list:

  1. Sleep well (White noise for tinnitus) (Magnesium supplements)
  2. Drink Enough Water 
  3. Eat enough food
  4. It's completely normal to want to move every 30 minutes, sitting down and working for hours on end is not something our biology is not intended for. 
  5. Exercise once per day
  6. Check for Allergies 
  7. Maybe a form of multitasking could work me specifically
  8. Dopamine Detox 
  9. Meditation 
  10. Nootropics (specifically modafinil)
  11. Heavy Metals Chelation
  12. Breathing

 

We talked in detail on each one of them. I already tried everything before the call except Nootropics, Heavy Metals and breathing exercises . I couldn't stick to dopamine detox or meditation consistently so that could be the fix to my issue aswell. He recomended me to do one thing at a time. He also told me that implementing something like dopamine detox should take several months, and effectiveness should be judged only after dopamine detoxing for several months. 

I really want to do dopamine detox but I don't even have the confidence to try because of the amount of time I tried and failed to abstain from consuming social media. Like I cant say it's ineffective because I never properly implemented it, but I cant seem to ever be able to properly implement it. 

After discussing this we touched on dating. I told him about some of my blackball beliefs and he asked me to completely turn off blackpill content. He told me that unless you look like a Gremlin, looks don't matter as much. He shared with me his experience doing PUA, he told me that his wing was a dark skinned 150 centimeter guy and that he used to pull way more than him. I was low-key shocked, and hope he was telling the truth. I have seen not conventionally attractive guys get laid in real life aswell. We'll see, I'll explore dating on my more too. I think this part of the convo was really cool.

 

 

 

 

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Difference between really wanting something and wanting something

Despite my ADHD. Last year I lost 10kg in a span of a month. Why?

I wanted to lose weight for a girl. I had a crush on this specific girl. For me liking someone like that is actually quite rare. When do like someone, I really like them. This girl is probably the most desire I ever felt ngl. I mean I never wanted anything more ty shi. Low-key weird but whatever it's anonymous and it's the forum so idc. 

I wanted this girl so much, I was ready to fear monger myself into losing weight. I said to myself if I don't lose this wait, I can't get this girl. Even if logically me losing the weight wouldn't have a huge impact on my ability to get the girl, I genuinely believed it. It was crazy, I tracked my calories and lost the weight (I don't recommend this high level of weightloss, I stopped getting boners it was a real bummer dawg). 

 

 

Point is, I wanted something so bad, it didn't matter what the price to pay for it for is. Even if I have ADHD, if I want it enough, I would probably do the actions required to get it. The ADHD probably just makes the threshold higher (threshold for how much I want something before I actually do something about it.)

 

 

 

 

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I'm going to try to be more positive moving on. Being overly positive and deluding yourself with falsehood isn't good, but the opposite could happen too. I think my pessimistic attitude is a bit extreme, I tend to be overly pessimistic which is also deluding yourself with falsehood. I will try to be much more positive going forward and report changes I feel.

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Leo on being positive early on in self-development journey

 

Go to time 2:20:55

 

 

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Am I being a good person because I‘m weak and can’t cause harm or because I am genuinely a good person .

heard this idea from Jordan Peterson but it didn’t click until today. I might just be a good person because I can’t cause harm. 

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Im almost posted the following message two nights ago because I was certain this is what I wanted to do, I’m posting again in order to document the process. Here I’m underscoring the conviction I felt one night I guess. The next day (the following two days, I still felt the conviction but it was clear that the initial conviction I felt was like a momentary impulse sort of thing) : 

 

I’m going to start the music career that I always wanted to. It’s now or never. This is the chance. I want this more than anything. Failing the year has really fuelled my hunger for success. 

I’m scared. Scared of missing out. Scared of making the wrong decision. In the midst of all this fear, I know that I want this the most. I want to pursue rap. I’m good at it. I have the talent. 
 

I’ll give it ago for the next 5 years, till the age of 25. 
 

It’s probably seems like a random impulse decision to anyone reading this. It isn’t. This is something I wanted to do from childhood, but now I’m sure. My failure experience, has somewhat directed me to what’s important. I want this. It’s clear that in order for me to have this dream achieved I need to go all out. 
 

I must sacrifice everything for this. Now it’s clear that I am willing to do it.  Let’s go world-wide. Metaphysical truth will take a back pedal. 

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Last few days I’ve been implementing a new tactic that seems to be helping become much more effective than before.

 

I started to leverage my OCD or neuroticism. What I basically did was I made myself obsessive compulsive around the idea of doing things perfectly (perfectionism) to various degrease and found that it yielded a huge improvement in my productivity.

Like seriously. I was super motivated.

The cons of this was that you don’t feel relaxed ever. 
 

I’m going to keep trying to improve my productivity this way, and see if I can implement it in a more sustainable manner. 

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