Journey to Self Actualisation

[UpperMaster]

Male 19. First year university (currently taking reseat exams). I'm honestly afraid I might fail the year.

I want to self-actualise. This is my journal as a reminder of my growth. 

Many problems and issues on my mind but right now, but quite honestly my biggest hurdle is my ability to work. I've grown convinced that there is actually something biologically wrong with me. I used be the smartest in my class in middle school, I would study for exams right before the test. After COVID, my capacity to concentrate is complete dogshit. I'm a horrible results maker. My parents have pointed this out to me in numerous occasions. They can't believe how poorly I turned out, as growing up I seemed productive, but right now I'm struggling to get by in life. 

 

I already tried all the techniques to improve my work ethic and focus. I've contemplated and designed models of motivation that I could use to get myself to work. I tried brainwashing myself to think that inaction would lead to a horrific event, to fear monger myself to work. This is the only thing that got me results, but its with huge expense.

Right now the only thing that works for me is putting myself in a mental state where I think I am in competition with everyone. It's this deeply egoic, dog-eat-dog mentality thats most defenitly toxic.  I hesitated to keep myself in this state of mind for two reasons:

1. I become dysfunctional in other areas of life that don't involve material success like family.

2. I can't turn it on or turn it off.  

3. I'm constantly stressed, it's a constant fight or flight. Like I legitamatley don't enjoy life anymore. 

However this mental state seems to be extremely effective in getting things done, I can work 6 hours a day on a task, with high intensity. Otherwise I can barely work 30 minutes with very low intensity. I need to be able to work or I'll remain a failure. I also don't want to waste my life away feeling like shit. I feel trapped.

 

It is possible that I might have some heavy metal poisoning. It can explain my inability to sleep great, inability to focus and work etc. It is completely not normal for me to struggle this much to work . I don't want to become a psychopathic neurotic monster just to be able to get some work done. Other people seem to work so easily. I know for a fact that "not wanting it enough" is not a problem. My success is pretty much all I think about, and I feel a lot of pain as I feel as though I am unable to progress in life no matter what I do. 

Edited August 28 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

Okay, I slept on it and this is my decision. 

I will forcefully put myself in the neurotic fight or flight state to get some work done because honestly I don't know how else I will pass my exams. 

 

I'll do this for a couple days and report on my progress. 

[UpperMaster]

Today was very weird. I couldn't stick with the neurotic fight or flight state as I hoped, it was too much stress to sustain. The issue is once I get into that state I become seriously dysfunctional I'm not exaggerating. Nothing but my work matters do the point where I disregard everything else. Additionally its so painful, because your working out of fear. 

I did however work for four hours productively which was great. I contemplated motivation again, I hate doing it because it seems like I've contemplated almost every aspect to it, and so I feel stuck. Today what motivated me deeply was actually Actualised.org, and the faith that this material presented here can transform my life. I reminded myself that honouring my life is super important to me, and I really hope that I can learn and implement material thats given here and get real results from it. A lot of successful people are extremely neurotic and unhappy, and I really hope I can achieve success and also fully enjoy it. 

@mmKay posted an image on a thread yesterday about growth mindset, which I thought was super relevant to my life right now:

 

 

 

I think this image illustrated how self-development actually looks like. I don't think media makes it clear to individuals that self-development is supposed to be messy. I wish someone could showcase their self development journey with all the difficulties and wrong turns they make because I had to learn the hard way that self development journey usually isn't pretty. 

 

I'm not referring to the occasional mistakes we make; I'm talking about how, every hour of the day, we're constantly trying to find new solutions and inevitably messing up.

I'm talking about waking up every day, trying a fresh approach to be more productive, failing, and then coming up with ideas on how to improve your life in some way, only to abandon those ideas halfway through—then revisiting them a month later. It's about being driven by purpose and virtue one moment, and then, getting hurt by someone which leads us to start motivating ourselves through ego, and the need to prove someone wrong. 

 

I've accepted that this is part of the process, and I want this journal to showcase as much as possible how messy and human this process is. 

 

 

[UpperMaster]

I passed one subject today, two more to go and I'll be able to progress to my second year. 

Today I realised that a lot of material success boils down to mental capacity and IQ, and that learning where your capacities are and learning to trust them is pretty crucial. I feel like you can only trust your own mind and logic when it comes to survival, because many times when we take another persons words by faith and not by truly understanding the person, you end up missing the context of the teaching. I'm not sure if I am articulating this idea correctly — When someone gives their opinion they usually explain what they think the main point of the argument is, and they leave out details they believe not to be important. The danger with this is that sometimes, you as an individual who is listening to ones argument/teaching need the left out detail to fully comprehend the teaching. What one person thinks is irrelevant or obvious information can be the key to understanding for someone else. 

 

To avoid this problem you need to understand and make sense of ideas with your own logic, when you do this you'll naturally fill in gaps of misunderstanding. Thats why I think relying on your own intellect is very very important, even if you aren't a 180 IQ genius. 

 

After studying I went to a football match, it was crazy, the opposing team fans started throwing fireworks in the stadium and even other fans. It was crazy crazy. Our team won 5 nil. The opposite team fans got kicked out. damn, crazy experience. It was like a very important match. 

Another weird thing is that in the team I was supporting, a new 19 year old player scored a goal and had a crazy assist. This player was someone I went to school with. I even trained football with him for 3 years because we were in the same football team. In made me wonder, because I was simply watching whereas this guy was achieving things in the real world. I didn't feel envious at all, I felt happy for him, but I did wonder if my time will come. I hoped and re-inforced my faith that my time will come, where I will do what I want to do and enjoy it. 

I fell into a blackpill whole recently and it's very negative, they show you very convincing arguments on why everything is genetically predetermined and that you should just give up. One of the only reasons I reject this type of thinking is because I really want to honour my life. I don't know what my greatest possibility is, it may be very high, it may not. but I'm going to fight for it no-matter what. I want to unleash and realise my possibility. 

 

I stopped myself from consuming any other self-improvement content. I know it's important to get information from different sources but I feel like every self-improvement channel out there is simply re-inforcing this competition mindset, this simplistic un-nuanced way for self-improvement. Like I want to actually do something I love, and accomplish large scale goals, I only have one life I don't want to waste it in petty competition (although I often get to that state because I'm bitter), I want to have amazing relationships with woman not shallow ones. I have faith that this information given in actualized.org can get me to a position where I live a genuinely fulfilling life, not life lived off insecurity. I don't even know if thats possible, thats why I'll just ave faith. I'll believe. Because if it does happen it would be worth it.

 

Edited August 29 by UpperMaster

[Yimpa]

2 minutes ago, UpperMaster said:

Our team won 5 nil.

Very cool, I did not know what nil meant before.

[UpperMaster]

@Yimpa ahaha awesome I didnt expect anyone to read it. I'll put more effort into being more articulate, excuse my lacklustre writing I have to develop that skill. 

[UpperMaster]

starting my workday late its 1:00 in the afternoon. Usually I would start around 10:00. My exam for micro-economics is in 5 days. I'm stressing out. I need to pass this exam. 

I have five exams to complete, but only need to complete 3 to progress to the second year (I can take the other two exams later). I lied to my parents that I would attempt all 5 exams. In reality I'm only taking the three exams that I feel I have the best chance passing. The reason for this is that I have limited amount of redos for each subject, so in my head I don't think there's any point in attempting an exam I am nor prepared for.  

Maybe I should have studied more, and I'm taking the easy way out. I don't know. 

Out of all the exams in my year, most people claim that mathematics is the hardest and a subject like introduction to business is relatively easy. I don't really know how true this is. One of my good friends actually said the opposite, that math is the easiest exam and other exams like intro to business is actually harder. I found this perspective very interesting, and it did lead me to contemplation.

I'm thinking whether the reason I believe mathematics is difficult is because it's actually difficult or because everyone else says it's difficult. The reason why I am not so clear on this is because well, saying introduction to business is easy isn't true, and also I remember through-out the year we have three math midterms. The first two I got like 1 or 0 points out of 10. In the third, I studied for two weeks and got 7. In retrospect it wasn't insanely difficult, it wasn't easy either but still. 

I'm curious onto how many opinions abut how hard an activity is, is based on reality or just someone else's opinion. 

Anyway, thats my daily side-tangent. Now I gotta focus on micro, get this work done. I've started becoming more conscious of what I eat and drink. I've been eating like shit recently. Today in the morning, my mother made me a smoothie, I got lucky. I bought some sparking water, and in the afternoon I plan to eat  a chicken salad. I think thats a healthy option.

I'm not sure yet if I should cut down on coffee or not. I started drinking it, and it weirdly makes me sleep better at night lmao. Or maybe thats bullshit Im not sure. 

I've been thinking about this journal recently a lot more, I really enjoy putting down my thoughts here, if I could record the process and actually succeed that would be great. I have faith. 

[UpperMaster]

[UpperMaster]

Worked only four hours today. I'm pretty disappointed with how much I worked. I realise that I really look forward to writing in this journal, like it puts on a full on flow state. I also am flooded with different streams of thought and writing here is like a way for me to vent and articulate these thoughts better. 

I think a lot about woman, because I'm horny asf to be completely honest. I keep getting reminded on how little progress I made compared to my expectations it's honestly killing me. I remember going through the forum the other day and some guy wrote about how he took the life purpose course many times and had a direction for his life, it seemed like his life purpose was to start a business. His post was about how he couldn't take action and start his business, and that he was wasting his life away by inaction. This really scared me because it brought in this perspective where I realised that a lot of people even after taking courses just can't get themselves to work, and that in the end no-ones going to do it for you. I've suffered enough due to my inaction, I really don't want to be in this position. 

 

Man I feel a lot better writing here, I feel like I have ADHD and just can't get myself to orient myself, after writing I feel so much more grounded, its honestly amazing the effect after it. I think I'll starts shamelessly writing here whenever I get into a state of hyperactiveness or ADHD because I feel like it has some serious calming effects for me. Not only that, I think it's super important for me to remind myself of this work, and re-allign myself to keep honouring life. I keep getting sidetracked. 

 

I was studying fine, then I met some girls from my class and I talked to them. After that boom my concentration went to shit, it's so weird because I get so ADHD and excited when I get distracted that I even forget what my current task is supposed to be. 

 

I'm tired as fuck. My mom reminded me that I am a loser today lmao. I have great parents like genuinely but for the past year, they're so disappointed with how I turned out that they straight up point out my bullshit. They say that I don't even try, which for me is super disrespectful to my efforts. Like I take a lot of offence to it because I know I am trying, but I swear it's so hard for me to focus and get shit done. 

I remember in high-school studying more that everyone, knowing more that everyone, but when it came to the test I couldn't apply the knowledge. This wasn't like this before, Its like I reduced in IQ. It's so frustrating. Like honestly. And Highschool was just me studying and getting low grades while other people partied and got good grades. Im honestly fed up, I've been driven to losing my hope so many times it's tiring. I hope this works out, I am so desperate for some sort of success. I honestly forget sometimes how much I've tried to get some sort of tangible result in my life, now that I think about it there's legit tears in my eyes. It's so fucking offensive when people call you lazy but you really try, but for some reason I just can't focus. It's so fucking irritating. Thats why I am clearing my diet, I'll get myself to be more healthy inbhopes that maybe I won't be this fuvking retarded forever. 

 

I'm honestly so pissed off. I'm 19 already, in like half a year il be 20 thats fucked, I can't keep having no tangible results. There's so many inadequacies that Im scared to write it. I'm so tired of being tired. I have faith that I'll make things work, I hope I can still recover. I have faith that I won't be one of these guys that dreams and takes all the courses but doesnt take action. What else can I do. I'll try. 

[UpperMaster]

Recent realisation. Not sure if this is one of these insights that seem accurate in the moment but is complete rubbish in retro-spect.  I realised that I am way too agreeable. I change my opinions about things very easily, I am easily swayed both by other people and myself. I think that I am very open-minded which is great, but it's almost too much to the point where I can't stand on my opinions sturdily. I feel like I have a weak sense of identity or ego. 

 

I think I should become more disagreeable and stand on my opinions more because I feel like doing so is crucial when it comes to achieving tasks. The consequence of not having strong opinions or being swayed very easily is that it's very difficult to orient yourself as you keep doubting the things you know. 

 

Doubting things are crucial, but I believe I am doing them too much, and I suspect that I do this out of fear. Therefore from now on I will actively try to be more disagreeable and develop a healthier and stronger ego. I don't think this goes against my efforts to align my life to truth, in fact I think this mentality will help me fend off the bullshit. Obviously balance is key, but I feel like I am currently way too openminded and I am unable to stand for my opinions. 

I suspect that one of the reasons I am a poor results maker is because I have a weak sense of identity, and am unable to trust my own opinions and conclusions without overly doubting them. I think I also do this with the false presupposition that having a healthy ego and being disagreeable is bad. But thats bullshit. Leo is pretty disagreeable temperamentally I suspect, and I think it has helped him succeed.

 

I will therefore allow myself to be more disagreeable and stand on my opinions. I will stop myself from overly doubting myself. I want to align myself to truth as much as possible, and having a no bullshit attitude is something I need. The ability to not being convinced by bullshit arguments is something I need. The ability to recognise when an argument is legit or bullshit. To not be afraid. I am afraid, all the time, and I live life that way. That must stop. No more. 

[UpperMaster]

Yesterday I slept late asf cuz I was talking to my friends. Today I woke up and went to the library to study. I completely forgot I had a language class scheduled. Now I am late for it, fuck. I live in this country basically all my life and don’t know the local language to complete fluency so this language class is important. And now I’m late for it, money wasted. 
 

bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuh

[UpperMaster]

Insight posted earlier seems kind of rubbish now. I swear I keep having these fake insights.

[Yimpa]

12 minutes ago, UpperMaster said:

Insight posted earlier seems kind of rubbish now. I swear I keep having these fake insights.

Or maybe the insights are simply eating insights

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis

 

[UpperMaster]

48 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Or maybe the insights are simply eating insights

 

Per chance. Yea see I would love to think that but it's something I can only say in retrospect after I got results in my life, right now every insight I get seems to be a means to an end. They don't seem to lead me anywhere. This insight I typed in earlier is probably an insight I had many times before, just under a different context. 

 

 

[UpperMaster]

I was just going down am ego spiral where I felt like I need to become better than others etc etc. Then I started watching Leo's wage slavery video, 30 minutes in I get reminded how un-nuanced and egoistic my thought process was. Damn bro, I'm greatful lowkwy. I really hope I don't fall into this dog eat dog mentality because deep down now I know that there's this whole more nuanced way of living life, where you are aware of your own and societies manipulations and work around in consciously. Its crazy how much more nuanced Leo videos are compared to like Hamza 

Edited September 1 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

Today I was struggling to study and kept watching random videos in YouTube or getting distracted. My 10 year old brother came down to my room to give me a hug. I immediately had a negative reaction when he opened the door. I was like "I am studying, leave", in a nasty tone. In reaction to this, my brother was hurt and he slammed the door. I got really angry at this and impulsively smacked the door with my hand. The door was made of glass, the glass broke and my hand started bleeding. 

This obviously made my parents mad, as it is increased expenses. It's clear to me that the reason I got angry and smacked the door was because I didn't like the fact that my brother acknowledged my bad behaviour. So yes pffcourse it's my fault. This isn't even the first time I got angry like this, I am a repeated offender. It is clear that I have anger issues. 

I'm seriously considering going to therapy, I might have indiagnosed ADHD or maybe heavy metal poisoning. I seriously have to get this under control, I can't make other peoples life worse because of my anger problems. 

 

I saw a video that explained that people with ADHD are extremely volatile and have problems as they act on their impulses. I testes 99 percentile volatility on Jordan Peterson's test. I have anger issues. I can't get my life on track. I also might just be a pussy, I am sheltered asf. I'm scared, I don't wan to depend or meds, but I desire more tp solve this fucking issue. I feel like im fighting uphill.

[UpperMaster]

I posted a thread on the mental health section of the forum, I want to solve this ADHD issue that I have. 

One other thing that bothers me is how many people in this world who aren't self actualised, like there are very very little. And of the people who are self actualise, do so by coming up with their own way of living life. My point being that maybe buying Leo's course is not just an end all be all solution but rather a large collection of material that you need to process on your own. 

Maybe for me, I have to use the flight or fight motivation that I know works even if it's unsustainable long term because thats the only thing that works. I mean how many people do you know from actualised that fully are taking part in their actualising. I don't think there are many. Maybe thats because for each person there are certain pieces of the puzzle that are fundamentally different. Maybe one shouldn't be afraid of being different pr using techniques ill advised by someone else. edit: maybe im jus desperate

Edited September 1 by UpperMaster

[UpperMaster]

Ate a bunch of shit again aswell, pizza, Chinese takeout. Back to bck.

[UpperMaster]

 

I'm watching this video on ADHD, I need something right now to study for the test thats in 2 days.

 

This is what ChatGPT says after I gave it the transcript of the video: 

Based on the transcript from Dr. Russell Barkley's lecture on ADHD, here's a study plan incorporating the strategies he discussed. This plan focuses on managing ADHD-related challenges by externalizing information, making time tangible, and optimizing motivation and executive function.

### Study Plan for ADHD

#### 1. **Externalize Information**
   - **Use Visual Aids**: Create charts, diagrams, or mind maps for the material you need to study. Place these in visible locations around your study area.
   - **Sticky Notes and Reminders**: Write down key points or reminders on sticky notes and place them where you can easily see them while studying.
   - **Checklists**: Create checklists for your tasks. Check off items as you complete them to provide a sense of accomplishment and progress.

#### 2. **Make Time Tangible**
   - **Timers and Clocks**: Use a visible timer or clock to keep track of your study sessions. Consider using a countdown timer to create a sense of urgency and focus.
   - **Break Assignments into Small Steps**: Break down your study tasks into smaller, manageable steps. For example, instead of "study for the exam," break it down into "review Chapter 1," "practice problems for Chapter 1," etc.
   - **Set Short-Term Goals**: Set small, immediate goals, like studying for 10 minutes or completing one section of a chapter, followed by a short break.

#### 3. **Externalize Motivation**
   - **Reward System**: Establish a reward system for yourself. After completing a task, reward yourself with something small, like a snack or a few minutes of a favorite activity.
   - **Accountability Partner**: Study with a friend or group who can help keep you accountable and provide immediate feedback and encouragement.
   - **Gamification**: Turn your study tasks into a game. For example, earn points for completing tasks and reach certain "levels" for extra rewards.

#### 4. **Manual Problem Solving**
   - **Use Physical Tools**: When studying subjects like math or science, use physical objects like counters, flashcards, or an abacus to help visualize problems.
   - **Interactive Learning**: Engage with the material physically—write things out by hand, use flashcards, or employ apps that allow you to interact with the content.

#### 5. **Frequent Refueling Breaks**
   - **10 and 3 Rule**: Study for 10 minutes, then take a 3-minute break. During the break, do something relaxing like deep breathing, stretching, or a quick walk.
   - **Healthy Snacks and Drinks**: Keep healthy snacks and drinks like fruits or sports drinks on hand. These can help maintain blood sugar levels and keep your brain fueled.
   - **Exercise**: Incorporate short bursts of physical activity into your routine. A quick 5-minute exercise can help refuel your mental energy.

#### 6. **Routine and Structure**
   - **Consistent Study Schedule**: Establish a regular study routine at the same time each day. This helps build a habit and reduces the cognitive load of deciding when to study.
   - **Pre-Study Ritual**: Develop a pre-study ritual to signal to your brain that it’s time to focus. This could be as simple as organizing your desk or taking a few deep breaths.

### Additional Tips:
- **Practice Self-Compassion**: ADHD can make studying challenging. Be kind to yourself and recognize your efforts, even when things don’t go perfectly.
- **Medication and Professional Support**: If you're on medication, ensure you're taking it as prescribed, and consider consulting with a professional for additional support tailored to your needs.

By following this structured approach, you can effectively manage the challenges of ADHD and improve your study habits.

 

This is what I will do: 

I've been down this path before, the only major thing thats changed this time around is I am not going to blame myself for not being able to work. 

I will 10 min work, 1 min chill. 

I'll do that for one hour. 

After every hour I will take a 10 minute break on YouTube. Eat. Breath. Stretch. Basically this is my reward, and Time to Replenish. I will use a relaxation technique from the book Psycho-cybernetics by Maxwell Malts. It works great for me. 

I have a physical clock placed on my desk. 

I will also keep a todo list tab open with my tasks 

Todays Tasks are: 

1. Respond to Actualised messages on my thread 

2. Complete Micro Part 1 in class questions 

3. Start Micro part 1 revision questions

 

I will constantly remind myself and accept I have trouble working, I will not blame myself.

 

 

 

[UpperMaster]

The method worked for 2 and a half hours but Ive procrastinated not for 2. Fuck man. Back to square one.