Bean’s journal 🐯

[Beans]

It has been way too long since l've done my workout. My last workout was 4/10/25

Life has been getting the best of me, but today I'm outside with Penny my dog. And also the support of my twin sister. I'm grateful.

[Beans]

Penny my dog. Who I’ve had for eight beautiful years. 
she wasn’t my dog originally she was my eldest sister. She got Penny a year after my great grandfather passed. Which was 2017, my tata passed in 2016, may 2nd around 3am. I remember waking up that day, finding out about the news. And my dad telling us in the morning. I didn’t believe him, because he has a habit of not being serious and use to make jokes out of things all the time. It was the very first time I saw my dad in a serious way. 
my Tata’s death was the very first time I’ve experienced an ego death at 13. 
this is when I realized. One day we will all die. And I think this is why I feel so close to pope Francis. 
on his casket he wrote “WE WILL ALL DIE”

and I respect that, because it’s so true. It’s so true. When I was at the peak of my depression I became extremely suicidal. 
and I had multiple attempts, but only was hospitalized at its worse. When I no longer cared if my family watched me kill myself in front of them. 
it took a very intense situation to wake me up. 
it took my grandmother crying after hearing what I’ve done. 
it was the fear in her voice that woke me up. Afraid that if I’m mentally ill and they take me to the hospital they’ll kill me/ or in her times lobotomize me. 
I can’t imagine how many women lost their lives to that. 
my heartaches thinking about how much she must’ve endured. 

[Beans]

Today I was speaking to my dad about seriously giving Penny up to a better home. Since no one is taking care of her the way I’d like her to be taken care of. 
for those who don’t know I use to live in an very abusive household. My family is imperfectly perfect. We all have deep rooted trauma and before I use to feel so much anger and teenage angst that I was blind to see the forest, because I was to busy looking at the trees in front of me. 
Once you get through the fog, however that changes your perspective sometimes for the worse, and sometimes for the better.
It truly matters where you lean, and how you do it. 

Before it is subconscious mind leading, but if you continue training yourself, you become conscious only then can your consciousness begin to lead you to where your true values are. 

[Beans]

I truly believe my tata’s death was the catalyst

to this healing. ❤️‍🩹 

before I was chained by my trauma and his death freed me.

my nana’s experiencing a severe stroke is also another piece to this catalyst

she has taught me death is unavoidable. She’s teaching/reminding me nothing really is mine. 
all we take in death is ourselves. And to some that can be very scary, but for me. In a certain aspect it brings me peace. 
one day even my suffering will end 

the only thing that gets me is so will all the beauty in this world I get to experience. 
how beautiful love feels.

how beautiful restored faith feels

how beautiful it is 

to begin the story of who we are

and what we want to stand for. 
 

we are truly our ancestors wildest dreams. 
never in my generation has anyone been truly more free. 
And here I stand a reminder of what my past relatives endured in order to give me this opportunity to stand firmly today. 
 

where there is death

there is rebirth

and so even as I watch pope Francis body be taken to burial. I keep this in mind. 
 

 

[Beans]

I truly feel it in my body. That pope Francis was/is divinely protected. I just felt goosebumps go down all throughout my body. As they laid his casket down. 
rest in piece Pope Francis. 
I wish I could’ve met you. You were an amazing person. May you rest in paradise my beautiful friend. 

[Yimpa]

@Beans

 

[Beans]

24 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

@Beans

 

Fr had me crying with this song. 
im so proud of all the hard work you’re putting yourself through joy. 
I’m so proud of you for encouraging your family to call out your abusive tendencies. I’m so proud of you for advocating for yourself, I’m proud of you for going to the therapy, for never stopping your journey even when it came at its most difficult moments.

we are far from perfect, but I think you’re nonstop dedication is impressive. You have such a good head on your shoulders joy. It’s like you lost it once upon a time, but here you are again finding it for yourself. Rebranding it, and shaping it to something that truly speaks to you. And that’s amazing. 

[Yimpa]

I discover a taste of my freedom---in transcending expectations through my transformation. There's beautiful in expressing both my former and new self, depending on different contexts. 

Before, I was was that clinging on to a fixed identity. And that rigidity actually wasn't grounding me this entire time—in fact, it was contracting me. I felt more disoriented trying to fit into just one, narrow box that I assumed was the only truth.

My true gift lies in fluidity of expression, and I'm committed to the continanal exploration, honoring the multifaceted experience of myself !