Bean’s journal 🐯

[Beans]

@Yimpa 

my nephew is playing Fortnite with my monke

this is making me laugh so hard omfg  😭❤️‼️

[Beans]

4 hours ago, Yimpa said:

I’m sorry for being a terrible partner. I’m sorry for abusing you. And for ignoring your pain. I was so selfish and cruel. I only cared about myself and thought I was above you.

I wish this part of myself would end. It’s so painful it’s tearing me apart from the inside. I don’t know what else to say for now, but I love you.💕 

This is all I wanted from you. 
I just wanted you to acknowledge how much pain I was in. And not to feel crippling guilt, but to acknowledge what’s happening. You saying sorry means a lot.  Thanks joy. I’m also sorry for the ways I’ve felt cold, and neglectful. 
I don’t know either what else to say but I love you too 

Edited 20 hours ago by Beans

[Beans]

It feels really strange to be broken up. And separated, but this journey to self healing is essential. Joys mental health took an all time low. And it was only escalating worse and worse. It broke both of our hearts. Both of us in denial about what must happen, and not wanting to let go. We obviously care of each other a whole lot. 
 

though joy is contemplating about if they want to continue our friendship. 
I asked if they can make their decisions once they had the ketamine and if they truly feel it is necessary to end it. Then I won’t stop it. 
though I want to keep our friendship, because joy has been a wonderful impact in my life. 
Joy taught me the importance of therapy, self advocacy, to stand up for myself, etc

[Yimpa]

All of this raw unfiltered  breakdown is reminding me of that deleted commonplace book episode from actualized.org

This timeline is bonkers 

[Beans]

9 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

All of this raw unfiltered  breakdown is reminding me of that deleted commonplace book episode from actualized.org

This timeline is bonkers 

What is that??

[Yimpa]

1 hour ago, Beans said:

What is that??

Just a reference to a nerdy lore 

[Yimpa]

This time separated is totally necessary. Being alone feels so good. I am pretty sure we both wanted space, but were too afraid to say it. 

When you made comments about fantasizing about other people and wanting to change your name, I had a feeling…

In any case, it sucks that Beans doesn’t have a safe place to live in. They’re in an abusive situation whether they live here or there. I am learning to accept their reality and not trying to save or change them.

I have my own life I need to take care of now. I need to honor my top value of being autonomous.

Thank you for giving me the space to grow. This was not an easy decision to make. I’m afraid that I would have harmed myself more if we didn’t take this necessary break.

[Beans]

1 hour ago, Yimpa said:

This time separated is totally necessary. Being alone feels so good. I am pretty sure we both wanted space, but were too afraid to say it.

In any case, it sucks that Beans doesn’t have a safe place to live in. They’re in an abusive situation whether they live here or there. I am learning to accept their reality and not trying to save or change them.

Thank you for giving me the space to grow. This was not an easy decision to make. I’m afraid that I would have harmed myself more if we didn’t take this necessary break.

I was afraid you might hurt yourself more extremely. Especially after you punched yourself in the face.
I only began having those kind of thoughts after feeling totally hopeless about our relationship being able to survive. And now I see my error in my ways. Instead of communicating to you directly about how I felt. I was being passive. And I apologize for that. It probably made you feel unappreciated and uncomfortable. I’m glad being alone feels good. I’m glad to hear it feels like you’re already healing in certain aspects. 

Edited 13 hours ago by Beans

[Beans]

If you’re able to keep my art in a safe place 

I’d really appreciate it. 
I actually wanted to take it home, but in our argument joy no longer wanted me there. And so I began packing again. And that’s how I ended up here. 
if you no longer want it in the house, please put it in my car. (If you can. If not. Don’t worry about it)

Edited 13 hours ago by Beans

[Beans]

Please don’t forget to cook your potatoes 

I’m going to miss just dancing with you randomly in the morning and cooking for you 

[Beans]

It’s strange, because joy always felt that if I’m missing my family or dog. It means I don’t value my freedom, or freedom from abuse. Though I think it’s the entire opposite.  Like yes I don’t want things to be the same, but it’s impossible to force people to change if they don’t see their abusive ways. Though joy taught me it was possible to rekindle with family. Especially when it comes to relationships with interpersonal family. Such as mom/dad. And maybe for my circumstances it’s more tricky. Yes, but regardless joy has taught me to see the imperfection in my family. Joy taught me about my quickness to anger and frustrations. Has taught me to accept things for what it is. I think joy has completely showed me an entirely different perspective than what I could’ve ever imagined or never would’ve thought of by myself. And for that I’m forever grateful. 
 

You’ve empowered me, but I’m so sorry for the way it turned out. 
obviously it was going in a direct we both didn’t want. 
And for that joy I’m truly sorry. 

Edited 13 hours ago by Beans

[Beans]

“Beans missed their family and wants to go back to them. And I want to focus on therapy and going deeper with psychedelics. Two very different avenues here”

Beans missed their family 

I consider you apart of my family

even if it’s not a formal or traditional sense. 
I feel like you’re apart of my chosen family. Like your mom and dad, however in deciding what we’re going to do. 
continuing our friendship or both separating completely into different roads. If you decide to completely separate please disregard what I’ve said. And if is making you uncomfortable I’ll rephrase. 
though I think at heart we both want what’s best for each other. I want what’s best for you. And if that ultimately comes at the cost of our relationship. I will accept that. Of course it’s going to break my heart. Not only did I lose my partner. I lost my best friend, but we must keep moving forward. 
I want to continue trauma therapy. And hopefully find a job, fix my car. Get into shape. And stay in shape. (Temptation is definitely here. With the snacks and everything, but Joy has taught me I can do it) 

 

in the most respectful way. I love you. And if me saying that makes you uncomfortable, because it’s too soon to say. Please let me know, because all I’m trying to say is I’m grateful for your presence. And you have a purpose being here joy. I don’t know what it is, but it’s true. You belong here. 

Edited 13 hours ago by Beans

[Beans]

I think you’re going to be okay joy. No matter what happens or where we go. We both will be okay, because we have the power of love, life and friendship. 
444 am

Please take care of yourself.

sincerely beans yimpa

Edited 13 hours ago by Beans

[Beans]

What joy doesn’t know is that my tata’s death anniversary Is on May 2nd 

I found it ironic how things were spiral down of control during this time, because it felt so intense during this time. 
perhaps he was calling me back in a spiritual sense, because my twin sister had two dreams I came home. And  I’ve never told my twin sister about my arguments with joy. 
but she had a dream once after an intense argument between joy and I 

and two months later again after an intense argument between joy and I 

it wasn’t until recently that I finally told joy about that. 
though at that point I was already feeling as if my cup was overflowing 

I truly believe things happen for a reason. 
I don’t know why. Or how, but I trust the universe. 

Edited 13 hours ago by Beans

[Beans]

My journey is to take care of myself

which I want to continue challenging myself with running. 
and when I begin working I want to continue trauma therapy. 
i want to fix my car

i want to replace my tires

i want to stay sober and join jobcorp

which will train me for a better job environment and that way I’ll be able to more stabilize myself more securely 

I want to continue therapy with Michelle while I try finding another job. Until I can pay for trauma therapy myself. 
 

[Beans]

It’s so bad, because I want someone to talk to.
And I keep looking in different spaces to find someone to talk to. 

Is this just apart of the deep rooted subconscious trauma? 
it’s so difficult, but I’m doing my best to not serve it anymore. So I’m try giving myself more grace and time to dismantle this deep rooted subconscious trauma. I’m sorry if I’m spamming. 

[Beans]

Just now, Beans said:

It’s so bad, because I want someone to talk to.
And I keep looking in different spaces to find someone to talk to. 

Is this just apart of the deep rooted subconscious trauma? 
am I running away looking for comfort?

When I should just face it head on? 

what is the right answer? 
I don’t know, but what I do know is that 
it’s so difficult, but I’m doing my best to not serve it anymore. So I’m try giving myself more grace and time to dismantle this deep rooted subconscious trauma. Maybe today I won’t figure it out, but that’s okay. One day I hope to. 
please pray for me. Pray I find strength 

pray I find clarity 

Pray I find peace

pray I find happiness 

pray I find hope. 
 

of course I’m praying for you too.

I’m sorry if I’m spamming. 
 

 

[Beans]

I’ve decided to grow my hair out in this journey 

[Beans]

I plan on continuing to take care of myself to my best abilities. 
My goal is to 
1. Get my car back running 
2. Find a job
3. Stay sober until I can join jobcorp 
4. Find a stable blue collar job I can depend on and live comfortably with
5. Continue intense trauma therapy. Continues therapy with Michelle 

6. Keep running
7. Focus on my physical and mental health

Edited 10 hours ago by Beans

[Beans]

I feel like now that I got everything off my chest that I wanted to say I can finally rest again