Bean’s journal 🐯

[Yimpa]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Beans]

My brain hurts. Make love not war. And if you’re asexual I can offer a firm handshake or a hug. 

[Yimpa]

[Beans]

Does being aware of life also make you a bit anxious at the thought? 
Or just in general day to day news.  This time however I just kind of pushed through it and rode the wave out. I felt antsy about my realization of how much deeper self consciousness is. People are connecting to each other from all across the world. And I get to be apart of this history where TikTok, the internet connected humanity. Every single aspect of humanity. Even the psycho killers are on the internet, but look at it like this. We are learning more now than ever. Not just one sided bullshit history, we get to learn about everything, but it just takes so much willingness to learn. Like you genuinely have to give a fuck. To learn about more than yourself. My life, before was so stuck. And absorbed by the immense pain and suffering of trying to figure out why my life is the way it is. Not understanding mortality, and being absolutely mortified of death and what it brought. And eventually believing mortality would be the only solution after being consumed by the fear of losing a loved one. Feeling as if I lose my grandmother, I’d want to go with her. I realized after her stroke I had spent over eight years trapped in that fear. Instead of just being truly present with my grandmother. When I was with her, however I felt as if my anxiety or depression would disappear. Apart was a different story. 
 

I am learning a bit more. Day by day. About myself and who I am. And in certain aspects I cringe at myself. And I’m trying to stop myself from cringing or just such a heavy criticism I feel towards myself.

 

I feel it stems from childhood. People just constantly judging and criticizing me. Which is why I feel; that I’m so hard on myself. And the reason why I fail to be happy about my own accomplishments and goals. There’s so much going on in the world. So much going on in our own personal lives, and perhaps even in our work lives. 
 

I started doing yoga, which helps me check in with my body. And I’m beginning to realize when I’m in pain, or just feeling unwell. Though I still struggle with it. Sometimes I go out through my day not realizing if I’m struggling with something regardless of it being an emotion or physical pain. 
Back in my family home I wasn’t allowed to be sad. And don’t you even think about being angry for any mistreatment. I wasn’t even allowed to be sick. And if I was. I was on my own. Stuck in my own room. And if you need something or medicine. I often had to get it myself, and then get ridiculed for not staying in my room and jeopardizing everyone else’s health. Oh and don’t forget the money, don’t think that just because you’re “feeling unwell” that means you can just stay home. No you get to hear the bullshit I went through as a young adolescent and you will experience the brutality of the world just as I have. 
So there I was sick as a dog at work. And my coworkers realizing “dead name, are you sick?”  
“yes”

”why are you here?” 
 

“I can’t rest. I have to make money” 

part of me wanted to prove my dad wrong. And prove to not just him but myself that I’m not being lazy. Or entitled. (I was still a child) 

And I did manage to finish my work day, but at the expense of both my physical wellbeing, and mental wellbeing. 
 

I think for a while though my family killed any spiritual wellbeing. Though it would show up for me in different ways when I really needed guidance. For an example when my grandfather passed away from cancer I was 13 years old. I was overcome with deep depression and heavy anxiety about losing the people (which at the time was my grandmother I was mortified of losing) I love to death. I became paranoid. So convinced that I’m going to die with her.  I began down-spiraling. With an eating disorder, I began self harming myself, I began abusing laxatives, and water pills. It wasn’t until I was in my most vulnerable position I entered high school.  Where all of these things would have a domino effect on my personal life. Where I would crash and attempt to kill myself for the very first time. After realizing that my feelings and body were taken advantage of, and I was being ghosted. With absolutely zero conversation on what the fuck just happened. And I just cried into my best friend’s arms. My eyes felt so swollen, and I had such a terrible headache. That she laid her icy hands onto my eyes. And I felt such peace.  
 

It wasn’t until months later it was Valentine’s Day. I didn’t even realize it because my days and months were blurring together. Though one morning; I had woken up from a dream. And dreams are very rare for me. Though I usually take it as a sign or a message. And in this instance where I was dreaming 

I saw my grandfather. And he hugged me, reminding me that he loves me. 
 

i woke up that morning and cried. And I continued my routine of getting up and dressed for school. 
 It wasn’t until I entered school and my class room that I realized my grandfather came to me in my dreams on Valentine’s Day. My mentor was telling the class “Valentine’s Day is not about having a romantic partner, but showing up for each other” and I began to cry again. 
Even in death my grandfather was still showing up for me. 
 

With that little sprout of love. I was slowly building back my strength and confidence. Though it’s so difficult. Especially when you’re born into a dysfunctional family.
I knew from a very young age, that I didn’t want my life to be like that. In sixth grade I was determined to get good grades and go to school out of state so I was away from my family. I was planning with my best friend to live with her. To escape all the craziness in our lives together. 
In sixth grade I was also being extremely harsh and criticizing myself. Especially when I felt my grade wasn’t good enough. I wouldn’t be failing, but I’d be upset with myself and say “well why isn’t it a 90? You didn’t try hard enough” 

As a child I had to be self efficient. My parents weren’t around. I mean in elementary. They’d be able to wake us up, but then leave not later after. And we would walk to school. So if we wanted we simply would ditch school and hang out at home.  We learned to be sneaky and lie. It didn’t matter to them. Unless the court would get involved. As long as we stood out their way. And if you’re hungry, go into the freezer and put something in the microwave. My eldest sister didn’t look after us at all. My youngest brother would literally be wondering around the neighborhood. And I was completely oblivious about that until adulthood. Of course at the time I was just concerned about my own wellbeing. I regret not being more active in my younger brother’s life. Though I try to remind myself that if I was five, he was three. And there’s little to nothing I really could do for him. I try reminding myself “YOU WERE LITERALLY A CHILD TOO!” That I’m not responsible for them (my siblings) that it’s not my fault for everything that happened.  As a young teenager I began arguing back and getting kicked out of home, because of my defiance. Though an overwhelming amount of grief would drown me. I felt responsible for my siblings and not being by their side to make sure they’re okay, terrified me. 
 

flash forward to today. I’m allowing my siblings to make choices for themselves and being open if they need advice. I’m the closest with my twin sister. Though it’s not as crippling anymore. Neither do I fear losing my grandmother to death. I’ve learned to accept not all of this will last forever. 
I have such a long way to go. And still so much to learn. 

[Beans]

One day these politicians will be face with the consequences of taking rights from marginalized citizens. They will face legal repercussions and be put into history as criminals who wanted to change America to benefit themselves. Biden warned the nation of an oligarchy, but I believe the oligarchy within imperialism has already taken place. Years before I was born. The only difference is instead of just politicians fucking us over we know have large tech companies, oil billionaires in Texas trying to take a piece of what they think is the American pie.  Only for them to find out. Very harshly that American citizens have a habit of making this pie and throwing it exactly in our government/ political leader’s face.   I’m looking forward to seeing who the real leaders of America defending citizen’s rights. And witnessing who will fold when money is thrown to their face. And who will sell their souls for personal gain. 

[Yimpa]

@Beans you’re a crazy sassy kitty and I love you to death 

Trump can suck on deez nuts

[Beans]

7 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

@Beans you’re a crazy sassy kitty and I love you to death 

Trump can suck on deez nuts

  I love you too baby 

No trump! no kkk! no fascist USA! 

 

Edited 19 hours ago by Beans

[Beans]

NO TRUMP! NO KKK! NO FASCIST USA!  

[Beans]

I’m beginning to feel my age. 
before in my youth I’d be able to bounce back, but now that I’m in my early twenties. (I’ve been working since sixteen) The effects of constantly working and years of mistreatment from the outside world and myself. I’m beginning to prioritize my health and figure out how to best help myself. 
i want to reclaim my health, my confidence, and pride. 

[Beans]

This is all bullshit

[Yimpa]

5 minutes ago, Beans said:

This is all bullshit

How you stand for all my bullshit is beyond me 

[Beans]

Just now, Yimpa said:

How you stand for all my bullshit is beyond me 

You are not Donald Trump or Elon 

[Beans]

Maybe Oscar the grouch but ur pretty chill 

Edited 9 hours ago by Beans

[Yimpa]

As part of my legal name change, I need to show the judge my fingerprints to prove that I'm a legal human. So I got my fingerprint cards, but for some reason my race was typed in as W, even though I'm A. This was all done without my consent and is unacceptable. I'll be going back to get another set of fingerprint cards to ensure that my correct race is entered in. I will not let my identity be taken away from me.

[Yimpa]

10 hours ago, Beans said:

NO KKK!

AW YA!

[Yimpa]

I am thrilled to spend the next 4 shitty years with you, fighting crime, one day at a time

 

Edited 7 hours ago by Yimpa