Bean’s journal 🐯

[Beans]

4 hours ago, Yimpa said:

I AM every gender

I AM every race

I AM every name

I AM _______!!!!!

I had a headache with the complications coming from everything plus your perfectionism.Trying to have patience for what you’re going through. Sometimes I can feel your intense anxiety and frustration. I get tired of trying to be both understanding and to accept my boundaries of limitations when I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Edited January 15 by Beans

[Beans]

I think your frustration is valid. Completely valid. People as you’ll continue to learn about are majority of the time inconsistent. Both in professional settings and personal settings.  I do understand the importance this holds for you.  I am excited for your progression with your name change, and I hope you’ll forgive me when my brain has its fill with the legality talks, and practices. 
 

In the future we’ll update my legal name change, however it’s not cheap at all. So for now we’re trying to be more aware of our finances. And taking our time with the process. One at a time. 
 

I love you. Thanks for allowing me to be on this journey with you 

[Yimpa]

1 minute ago, Beans said:

I love you. Thanks for allowing me to be on this journey with you 

If I am inconsistent, it’s only because I’m so in Love 

 

[Beans]

9 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

If I am inconsistent, it’s only because I’m so in Love 

 

 Hehe not ur inconsistencies silly identigo’s mistakes and bringing frustration into our home

[Yimpa]

30 minutes ago, Beans said:

I had a headache with the complications coming from everything plus your perfectionism.

There is only the best way to do something… the pure way!

 

[Beans]

Just now, Yimpa said:

There is only the best way to do something… the pure way!

 

I don’t give a damn 

[Yimpa]

Here is an excerpt from my care team when I was at the ketamine clinic 3 years ago. During that time, I was awakening to some of the most intense, traumatizing experiences that I would never want to go back to: 

Quote

We're sorry to hear that you are struggling and are deeply sympathetic to that struggle. Intense emotions can be common during your treatment. Hopefully, knowing that this is normal and that many others can relate offers some reassurance.

 

Healing is not a linear pattern. It’s like a spiral staircase. We travel up and up and frequently return to the same view but look at it from a new perspective. Our emotions can be indicators that our internal self needs some nurturing. Consider taking time to nurture yourself with activities such as nature walks, meditation, breath work, or journaling about your emotions. 

 

[Yimpa]

I am autistic and I am proud!

[Beans]

Joy was covering their face and I was wondering why, but as they get into bed suddenly their icy cold feet were on top of mine as I squirm around and do my best to hide my feet from them joy quickly placed their cold feet onto my back. I accepted defeat and we burst out laughing. Joy had a confession the reason why their phone was against their mouth was because of the huge grin behind the phone. Now if I would’ve seen that smile I would’ve knew instantly what they’re going to do. 
Moments like these are my favorite, once joy finally told me their grand plan I couldn’t stop laughing. 
I love you 

[Beans]

Things that made Joy laugh 

MY UVULA IS ON FIRE   - Ken Jeong 

TOO LOUD  - Beans 

the tv was loud and so was beans  srry thanks for being understanding 

we also had a similar situation just prior to this one 

[Beans]

https://music.apple.com/us/album/favorite-crime/1582277315?i=1582277657

[Yimpa]

Don’t let these journal entries deceive you, because this bad romance is far from perfect. There are highs and there are lows. The lows are much more difficult to sincerely hold myself accountable to. 

I’ve acted like a real jerk to you these past few days, and I’ve decided enough is enough. I am officially calling for a ceasefire to this conflict. So help me God let go of my own selfishness. 

We are on our way to celebrate this ceasefire by eating at Taco Palenque with our family. 

[Yimpa]

Every eczema-flare up I experience is like another bomb being thrown at me from a terrorist organization. And these bombs come at waves when you least expect it.  

[Beans]

It really really hurts, when you say hurtful things.  When you’re frustrated. Especially in really vulnerable moments. Or even when I’m trying to be supportive. 

 It still cuts very deep.  It’s so difficult to even mention my feelings or to say anything when I am terrified our conversation will explode and then we go down the rabbit hole of our arguments.  And then comments are made about no longer wanting to be with me. Or comments like having fantasies of others. I don’t say how I feel to guilt trip you. I say how I feel, because I want you to know how it’s effecting me. And why it’s effecting me. 
 

In moments like those. I feel subhuman. Like literally garbage. Like an idiot. In moments like those haunt me. And subconsciously in the back of my mind. A part of my brain devours it and says “I told you so.”

Edited January 19 by Beans

[Beans]

I’m sorry for stonewalling you. For not saying how I felt and shutting down.  I didn’t realize how much more damage I’m doing. By not just being straightforward with you.  Regardless of what happens. I want you to know how much I care about you, and genuinely love you. And how grateful I am for you and your family for coming into my life.  
 

Life is so difficult. And at the end of the day we’re human. Bound to make a million mistakes/happy accidents all throughout our life. 
 

Thanks for celebrating my 22nd birthday with me in such a special way. Thank you for always being here for me when I lost my cat, thank you for being here for me when I was homeless.  Thank you for loving me. And for teaching me a different world out here. 

Edited January 19 by Beans

[Beans]

https://music.apple.com/us/album/call-your-mom/1706433317?i=1706433321
 

 

[Yimpa]

 

[Yimpa]

The decision I must make. It will have a significant impact moving forward, and for decades to come.

Will I let Trump win? Let his corruption win? It’s tempting, and clearly the easier way out.

Stay tuned.

[Yimpa]

The fascism in me, strong it is.

[Yimpa]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH