Bean’s journal 🐯

[Beans]

17 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

The movie has ended and we must now go our separate ways.

Your tears break my heart.

I feel very sad.

[Yimpa]

 

[Beans]

So much went wrong today. I really enjoyed my cake and tea. Thank you. I would’ve liked to share your popcorn. I also felt really dehydrated but felt scared to tell you.  I felt afraid of asking. I am sorry for having you pick up my tab.  I wish I could literal shrink and not exist. I wish i was a rock. I was to afraid to say anything in fear that something else would be wrong. I.a. Bad breath, looking unflattering, saying something stupid, or just smelling bad in general, or my own emotions overwhelming me. I really enjoyed reading with you. I didn’t think it was possible for me to find joy in reading again. I just felt like the stress of the world wouldn’t stop trying to get me. And it wouldn’t leave me alone. I feel shame. I feel like a failure. And it is hard taking care of my mental health. It’s so hard doing this on my own. 
my head is hurting and I don’t want you to leave 

I feel irritated that I cant tell you this myself, but instead I just stare at you. 
 

im sorry.

[Beans]

13 hours ago, Yimpa said:

The movie has ended and we must now go our separate ways.

Your tears break my heart.

All I could think of was things you’ve said 

I feel conflicted. Part of me wanted to enjoy our time together. The other part was seriously questioning everything. Doesn’t matter where we are. I felt that you weren’t paying attention to me while at the restaurant. Though I dropped it, because I was afraid of how the heat and stress would affect you. I enjoyed reading beside you. Everything was going wrong. I became more stressed worrying I’d screw up our date.  I was too stressed to ask for help. And eventually felt dehydrated, I also wanted to share your snacks, but felt like I’ve already been enough of a bother. 
I felt shame. And like a burden, because you already bought me a cake and tea. All I could hear in the back of my mind was “I think you like this”  I felt afraid of eating. All I could think of were your comments in our last argument. How you were going to an event they didn’t have a vegan option. You made a comment about them being pigs, because they were eating meat. I feel afraid of your judgements. I felt after you made that comment. That you were passively telling me that after upsetting you, because it wasn’t until I entered the shelter did I began eating meat again. 

My dad would tell me “if you think it’s so bad here why don’t you leave?” 
 

the same person who ruined my life. Saying just leave. If I could I would. 
though I’m completely on my own.

Pure torture.

 

Edited August 31 by Beans

[Yimpa]

7 minutes ago, Beans said:

How you were going to an event they didn’t have a vegan option. You made a comment about them being pigs, because they were eating meat.

I don’t remember saying this, what the duck! 

Edited August 31 by Yimpa

[Beans]

Just now, Yimpa said:

I don’t remember saying this, what the fuck! 

You lashed out

after I made a comment about calling you an animal because you didn’t bring your epiPen just in case of an allergic reaction.

[Yimpa]

I really enjoyed reading with you at the library. I usually avoid reading books because the world told me I have a reading disability. But with you, I feel comfortable and open to learning.

What we discovered is that we are reading the same book, yet are processing it in completely different ways. And that’s not a mistake! This actually  opens up  possibilities and insights into the same book that we wouldn’t have discovered if we simply kept to ourselves.

I am able to understand you clearer. You are the missing puzzle piece in my chaotic life.

—>

Here is the book we red… it’s a fun read for those who are feeling blue.
 

<—

Another interpretation of how our date went:

 

[Yimpa]

14 minutes ago, Beans said:

You lashed out

after I made a comment about calling you an animal because you didn’t bring your epiPen just in case of an allergic reaction

I remember lashing out at you, but the reason you are giving me is not congruent with my reality. 

I cannot wait to start couple’s therapy with you soon to work out miscommunications out. And I’m sorry for all the times I have lashed out at you. You don’t deserve more pain than you already receive in your life.

 

[Beans]

6 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

Another interpretation of how our date went:

 

My interpretation https://www.pinterest.com/pin/12384967722124076/sent/?invite_code=831bab4a06e84629a356ae8a268dd64a&sender=823525619269694521&sfo=1

[Beans]

3 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

I remember lashing out at you, but the reason you are giving me is not congruent with my reality. 

It’s what I’ve interpreted.

[Yimpa]

Our relationship is a true crime.

And I could not have a better partner to solve these mysteries with.

[Yimpa]

*quack quack*

We are but ducks trying to find our place in this game called life.

It's never a dull day walking around the pond with you.

Even when I rock the boat sometimes and you get scared, we ride that wave together... Like a buccaneer, our pendulum swings back and forth in chaotic and dysfunctional balance.

 

[Yimpa]

 

[Beans]

2 hours ago, Yimpa said:

 

Quack Quack

[Yimpa]

What you do, what you do, what you do to me?
Always fucking up my energy
What you do, what you do, what you do to me?
You bring me down but you're the remedy
When you get me fucked up
It's impossible to come down, oh
What you do, what you do to me?

You make me feel something when I don't feel much
You make me feel alive
Adrenaline rush
I'm your junkie, suicide love
I'm your junkie, suicide love
Suicide love

I don't want somebody else
(But it's killing me to keep you)
Is this heaven is it hell?
(Somewhere in the middle where I meet you)
I tried to say goodbye
But I don't ever wanna get off this ride
I don't want somebody else
(I don't want somebody else)

 

Got my camera roll looking like her onlyfans
Getting kinda hard to believe that I'm her only man
She want brand new titties, damn
That's gon run me fifty bands
How I'm supposed to save up
For this house and a mini van

You make me feel something when I don't feel much
You make me feel alive
Adrenaline rush
I'm your junkie, suicide love
I'm your junkie, suicide love
Suicide love

I don't want somebody else
(But it's killing me to keep you)
Is this heaven is it hell?
(Somewhere in the middle where I meet you)
I tried to say goodbye
But I don't ever wanna get off this ride
I don't want somebody else
(I don't want somebody else)

Tears like bullet shells falling to the floor
Dopamine addict it don't matter what's the source
You wanna be mine but I can't be yours
So why do I keep coming back for more?

I don't want somebody else
(But it's killing me to keep you)
Is this heaven is it hell?
(Somewhere in the middle where I meet you)
I tried to say goodbye
But I don't ever wanna get off this ride
I don't want somebody else
(I don't want somebody else)

I don't want somebody
I don't want somebody
I don't want somebody else
(Suicide love)
I don't want somebody else
(I don't want somebody else)
I don't want somebody else
(I don't want somebody)

 

 

 

[Yimpa]

I’m going to need a bigger pickle jar… 

… or I need to stop getting trapped in endless argument.

[Beans]

14 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

I’m going to need a bigger pickle jar… 

… or I need to stop getting trapped in endless argument.

You are between a rock and a hard place. 
 

though instead of stepping back and listening you hide. 

instead of evaluating what I say.  You engage. 
 

(https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=ss2gVy2pgmw&si=Mti3Mp8AtcNAtOOg)

[Yimpa]

Thank you for privately opening up to me about what you’re really going through. And trusting me with this information.

I Love You.

[Beans]

31 minutes ago, Yimpa said:

I Love You.

I Love You Too.

[Yimpa]

I crave your intelligence. I need to stop overlooking it. I'm so stupid for that.