My life

[shree]

I’ve decided to start a public journal here, not just to share my experiences but to document my journey of self-discovery and healing.

My first post isn’t merely a trip report; it’s a deep dive into the layers of my psyche, exploring how my past, traumas, and inner work are shaping the person I’m becoming.

I’m here to be honest, vulnerable, and to share the lessons I’m learning along the way.

Let this be a space where we can all reflect, grow, and support each other on our paths.

Feel free to comment if anything resonates with you or touches you in some way.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read.

[shree]

After making the firm decision to delete my account on the forum - because it was taking up too much of my precious free time - I decided to take one more trip. This time, I thought I’d lower my dose by a few milligrams and skip the niacin, as last time it almost gave me a bad trip. I figured a lower dose would make the experience different.

Stage 1

An hour after ingesting... bam! I’m right back in it. Anxiety on level 100, peaking, pulling me. And I’m thinking, “I’m not prepared for this.” I remove a huge knife from my hut, lock the door, and pull the blinds down. I learned my lesson last time: it’s either distraction or surrender. There is no third option.

With the lower dose, I had a rough idea of what to expect and how to handle it. Since the neighbors were around the hut where I normally have my trips, I didn’t feel confident going for an ego death. I don’t know how my body would react during those peak moments, and attracting unnecessary attention was the last thing I wanted. I felt a strong pull, got the cosmic joke, and started laughing, thinking, “Oh no, you’re not waking this motherfucker.” I chose to sleep, even though I was afraid to close my eyes because I knew what would happen next.

It’s funny how I feel confident in these situations when the dose is low. After about an hour, the unbelievable anxiety I had completely subsided for no apparent reason, and I was finally able to focus on the things I came here to do. I came to heal my childhood wounds.

But how do you heal something you imagined?

How do you heal something you put yourself in the first place?

How do you do any psychological work when everything pulls you toward awakening?

Stage 2:

Once I grounded myself, I began dealing with the unwanted emotions that brought up some horrible memories from childhood. Things you’d wish on no one. And things that never happened but should have. I saw how much suppressed anger I’d carried throughout my life since showing anger was punished in my family. Anger was a sign of disobedience in a patriarchal household, a sign of original sin.

I did a few sessions of rare John Bradshaw recordings, guided inner child work, and returned to my past to put some things in their place. I took that precious little child from those bastards. I held that child strongly and allowed him to say to his parents, “I don’t want your pain! I don’t want your shame! I’m sorry that you have it, but I will not carry it for you anymore. I’m just a little child, and I need to live my life.” As I moved forward with the little boy I once was, something shifted in my reality. A big “whoosh” happened, and my whole being felt it. It was a shift I’ll never forget. A part of my lost childhood was integrated. The child isn’t living in that damn house, ruined by bullets and grenades. He is safe now. He has me, and I will never let him suffer like that again. He is safe.

I remember when I was six, finding a tank grenade near the place where I lived. I was full of wonder—why didn’t that grenade explode? In Rambo movies, they always explode. So, I took it with both hands and smashed it against the biggest stone I could find. But it still didn’t explode. So I did it again, and again, and again. Stupid rusty grenade. It’s boring. I’m going home.

Stage 3:

I’m starting to see how my specific traumas have shaped the ways I can be manipulative from time to time. How they shaped me into a mere survivor. I see how they made me into the person I am today. And I’m starting to laugh at my own bullshit. It’s becoming increasingly hard to take on the roles I need to live this life.

I’m wondering, what is this longing? What is this never-fulfilled need for another person, to fill my void, to be one, to be the embodiment of poetry, to be the answer to every question? I wonder, was my request to delete my account on this forum a good idea? Why should I waste my time writing with a bunch of clowns here? No offense, since I’m also merely a clown.

Nothing makes sense anyway. I’m losing ground with every step I take, and when I dive deep into myself, there is always the void. My best friend. It’s funny how I considered myself dead inside my whole life, just an empty shell. And at the same time, after I’ve invested so much energy and time into integrating my lost pieces, I’m realizing I’m a highly emotional person.

It got late, and after several hours of contemplating in a dark room, I realized I wanted to go home. I was starving. I knew it wasn’t smart to drive since I was still high, but I managed it somehow.

I arrived home and saw a boy in front of a house. He had a problem—I could see it. If my traumatic childhood did anything, it made me hypersensitive to the suffering of others, so much so that sometimes I don’t really feel the difference between my suffering and theirs. I asked him what was wrong. He showed me his bicycle; the chain wasn’t in place. I decided to get down and get my hands dirty. I repaired it, chatted with him for a few moments, and then went on with my life.

I know I decided to have this account deleted since all of this is just bullshit. But thanks to the master procrastinator @Leo Gura , I had the time to think this through again. My last trip made me understand that some human bullshit is better than others, and since we’re all forced to be here, I’ll stay. I’ll learn to use this resource in a way that’s healthier for me.

[shree]

Emotions

I’ve learned a lot about myself, particularly that I can be quite explosive at times. I no longer see this as a flaw, but rather as a part of who I am because it now mostly stems from a place of presence.

Today, while buying a bouquet of flowers and waiting to pay, I encountered a group of guys, and one of them started mocking me. He seemed a bit drunk, so I initially chose to ignore him to avoid unnecessary conflict. However, when the shopkeeper defended me with her words, I felt a sudden wave of emotion. I turned around, confronted the guy, and ended up slapping him. It shut him up, but I realize it wasn’t the best way to handle things. Looking back, I know his behavior likely came from a place of insecurity. While I could have handled it differently, sometimes people are just assholes.

Life Purpose

My life purpose statement is: I simplify and improve technology, making it more intuitive and easier to use. After several months of working on this, I’m now exploring different ways to apply this purpose. I’ve realized that I’m more interested in hands-on work and building things with my hands, using tools, rather than focusing solely on electronics.

My first idea was to start a YouTube channel. I bought all the necessary equipment, including Adobe Premiere, and produced a video from scratch. I had to write a script, act, talk, and perform on camera. I created a product, recorded the process, did a voice-over, and for a first-timer, the video turned out pretty well. I showed it to several people, and their reactions were positive, and they encouraged me to keep going.

But did I enjoy the process? Not at all. I’m not a performer. My strength lies in building, repairing, and quickly finding solutions to mechanical problems. That’s where I thrive.

My next project is building a treehouse for my son. I decided to start simple, just a small wooden house to see how it would turn out. For a first attempt, with not much time, money, or effort invested, I’m very happy with how it looks. And did I enjoy it? Absolutely!

I’m getting closer to defining my life’s direction, and now I’m wondering what my next project will be.

Self-Discovery and Healing

I’m feeling better than ever on my healing journey, becoming more authentic and discovering my true self. It’s not always easy—it often feels like hell when I dive into my emotions and start exploring my past. But once I come out on the other side, I feel stronger, almost superhuman. Each day, I’m becoming a more aware and present human being.

I can’t help but wonder what other wounds I have yet to uncover, those hidden under subtle manipulations and lies, or the survival strategies I learned when I was hurt. I know I need to let go of these to become a better person.

It’s a relief not to feel stuck between human life and ego death. Still, I find it fascinating and challenging how miserable it can feel to be on that bridge, especially when I’m on psychedelics. I’ve been curious about giving 1D-LSD another try, but those trips are just too long for me to manage right now.

On another note, I’ve invested over 150 euros in brain detox supplements - a new batch. I’ve been using them for a few months, and they seem to be helping quite a bit with clearing my brain fog.

Also, I was invited to go bowling yesterday with some guys from work. I was the only one who didn’t consume a drop of alcohol and still had a great time. I’m proud of myself for that.

 

[Sugarcoat]

You seem to be heading in a good direction , exploring and developing yourself, I’m glad👏🏻

[shree]

1 hour ago, Sugarcoat said:

You seem to be heading in a good direction , exploring and developing yourself, I’m glad👏🏻

Thanks, Nat. I appreciate it!

[shree]

Here’s my finalized list of goals:

 

Short-Term Goals
1. Complete shadow work, integrate all parts of myself, and achieve 100% psychological health.
2. Fully define my life purpose.
3. Attain outstanding overall health, with unstoppable energy and vitality.
4. Establish a consistent daily yoga practice.
5. Read or listen to at least 50 books a year.

 

Long-Term Goals
1. Achieve financial independence by living my life purpose.
2. Own a €1 million house with a private cold water algae pool near a Swiss lake.
3. Live 100% authentically.
4. Reach such a level of enlightenment that I let go of everything and become the ecstatic, crazy old man with a super-long beard who runs around naked. Seriously.
5. Buy a piece of land deep in a forest, build a wooden hut, and spend the rest of my life away from society. Yes, I’m still serious.

[shree]

 

Part 1: Journey to 100% Psychological Health

On my journey to achieving 100% psychological health, I am utilizing and learning various methods, including:

Shadow Work  
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)  
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)  
Internal Family Systems (IFS)  
Inner Child Dialogue  
Guided Visualizations  
Practicing Radical Honesty  
Extended Contemplation

Since finding a therapist skilled in all these techniques is nearly impossible, I’ve taken it upon myself to learn and master each of them. I am educating myself extensively to apply these methods effectively. Utilizing these techniques in a psychedelic state serves as a powerful catalyst, accelerating my progress toward complete psychological health.

Part 2: Parenting

A child is like a blank sheet of paper, and parents are the ones who write on it. Parenting is one of the most important jobs in the world, yet why is there so little education about it before people become parents? Why is it that anyone can have children, regardless of their lack of self-awareness, self-reflection, knowledge, or compassion?

We must stop producing dysfunctional humans.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about parenting, it’s that your child will reveal your flaws.

How?

Pay attention to the actions of your child that make you angry, the behaviors you cannot tolerate, or the qualities you admire. These are the traits you rejected, disowned, or projected onto others during your own development. These reactions were your coping mechanisms, necessary for survival at the time.

A significant step toward enlightenment is to become like a child again, in the sense of becoming an empty piece of paper once more, free from dysfunctional survival mechanisms. This concept is well illustrated in Spiral Dynamics. While Spiral Dynamics isn’t specifically about children or growing up, it can serve as a rough roadmap for personal development. Educate yourself about the higher stages of development and consciously adopt these traits.

Transcend the lower stages by becoming aware of your shadows, integrating them, and embracing the qualities of higher consciousness.

Part 3: Accumulating Knowledge vs. True Intelligence

Accumulating specific knowledge is not the same as being intelligent. I often observe highly educated people who flaunt their extensive vocabulary as a status symbol, equating it with intelligence. Yet, some of these individuals lack wisdom, self-reflection, and awareness. They are what I would call knowledge obese, filled with information but brainwashed, entirely absorbed in their own tiny bubble of consciousness.

As a pre-school child, I often wondered: Do walls really exist, or are they there simply because I believe so strongly that they are? Would removing this belief also remove the boundaries? This early curiosity hinted at a deeper understanding of reality, one that most people overlook as they grow older.

I also pondered: If you were to absorb the highest teaching there is, would you end up killing yourself? Would you die, or would something else happen? Although I couldn’t vocalize these thoughts back then, they have stayed with me throughout my life, guiding me toward Leo’s teachings and rekindling my curiosity, ultimately leading me to uncover some truths for myself.

This childlike way of thinking is a form of high intelligence. Sadly, this intelligence often dies away when children are sent to school, where they are taught to sit still, listen, absorb often useless knowledge, and learn to become obedient little factory workers.

Part 4: The Purpose of Our Work

The point of the work we do here is not to blindly believe Leo. I notice people constantly parroting his words and attacking others who express opinions that contradict his. Holding onto beliefs can handicap you on the path to enlightenment; they will distort your perception of reality.

Beliefs are like dirt, they cloud your vision. Trust will take you much further. Don’t take Leo’s words as facts, but rather as inspiration and a demonstration of what is possible.

Part 5: The Power of Cold Water

I don’t remember the last time I took a warm shower. I love cold water, especially in winter when the pipes are frigid. There’s something extra special about swimming in a lake in the middle of winter, surrounded by freezing temperatures.

I’m not sure if this practice has any specific health benefits, although I’m rarely sick. What I do know is that cold water has an intriguing ability to train your inner Bitch, the voice in your head that says, No, I can’t, it’s too much. Cold water silences that voice, teaching you resilience and the power of pushing through discomfort.

Final Note

This collection of reflections and practices represents my ongoing journey toward personal growth and enlightenment.

English is not my native language, so I use Grammarly to help fix my grammar and improve the flow here and there. However, the writings you see are authentically mine, reflecting my thoughts and experiences.

[shree]

Geometric Love Patterns

 

 

 

 

I found this picture a long time ago, and it stayed with me.

Recently, I got close to a girl I met online and found myself drawn to her mind.

This image reminds me of her, bringing up a mix of emotions.

Edited August 29 by shree

[shree]

Practicing radical honesty.

 

Writing a public journal helps me re-ground myself in the world.

 

At times, I just want to be seen as smart, even if I don’t fully understand what I’m writing about.

 

I’m aware of the game I’m playing, but for now, I need this.  

It’s my anchor.

[shree]

Emotional Honesty and Boundaries

Connecting with my emotions has led me to embrace truthfulness with myself. Over the past year, I've been more mindful of how I spend my emotional energy, focusing on relationships that align with my core values and contribute meaningfully to my life. Though this has led to more solitude, the progress I've made in the last 12 months has been remarkable.

Unexpected Interaction at Work

Yesterday at work, I received a strong hug from a female colleague out of the blue. I didn’t respond with the same intensity, and it made me wonder if something was going on in her life. Unfortunately, I was too tired to get into any meaningful conversation. Working shifts has been wearing me down, affecting my sleep and fitness, trapping me in a cycle of chronic fatigue.

Breaking the Cycle: Fitness and Energy Boost

To combat this fatigue, I’ve started taking a pre-workout supplement combined with iron, Q10, and a B vitamin complex. While I know powdered pre-workouts might not be ideal, I need this boost to pull myself out of this rut. Implementing this strategy, I’ve successfully maintained a full-body weight training routine every third day for the last two months. Consistency has been key, and I'm already feeling the difference in my energy levels. Additionally, my meditation practice has become supercharged, leaving me feeling great.

Reflection on Progress and Self-Care

Despite the challenges, I can see that consistency in my fitness routine and self-care practices is paying off. I’m finding the energy to push through, even if it means relying on supplements for now. As I continue to honor my boundaries and focus on what truly matters, I’m reminded that I’ve made amazing progress.

 

 

Edited September 2 by shree

[shree]

Life Purpose: My Next Big Project

My next major project will be converting a box truck into a tiny home on wheels. While vans are more common for this type of build, I'm particularly interested in a box truck because it offers much more space for creativity. I imagine creating a luxurious, high-tech tiny house on wheels.

This project will be expensive, time-consuming, and entirely new to me, but I feel confident in my ability to take it on. However, there are several challenges I need to consider before I can get started:

1. Cost: Box trucks are expensive, so I'll need to budget carefully and explore financing options.

2. Workspace: I'll need to rent a garage or, at the very least, find a large parking space where I can work on this project.

3. Licensing: I’ll need to get a truck driving license, which is essential before I can even consider buying the vehicle.

4. Mechanical Help: My mechanical knowledge is limited, so I'll need to find a skilled mechanic to help with the technical parts of the build.

5. Legal Requirements: I need to ensure that the final build meets all legal requirements for road use and habitation.

6. Sourcing Materials: Finding the right materials at the right price could be a challenge, so I'll need to plan carefully.

7. Time Management: Balancing this project with my other commitments will require careful time management to avoid burnout.

 

This project is a big step, but with careful planning and determination, I believe I can eventually make it a reality.

Edited September 2 by shree

[shree]

Inner Child Dialogue: A Raw Path to Self-Love

 

 

 

 

This is What Inner Child Dialogue Looks Like (With Influence from Teal Swan’s Self-Love Course)

Things you'll need:
- Notebook
- Pen
- Preferably an old photo of yourself as an anchor
- Optional: A long-lasting psychedelic like 4-AcO-DMT

Intention:
I want to heal emotionally and learn to express my feelings better.

Below is an example of an inner child dialogue. The handwriting in this exercise alternates between my non-dominant hand, which is supposedly connected to the amygdala (the trauma brain, the inner child), and my dominant hand, which represents the neocortex (the grown-up). Since the original is in Croatian, I’ve translated it into English for clarity. The conversation may seem unclear or irrational, but it’s deeply personal and meaningful to the one doing the work, immersed in those strong emotions. 

This is what raw, emotional work looks like:

---

Start of the Inner Child Dialogue:
Intention: To connect with the part of me that feels the most hatred, the part that stands between me and self-love.

Before diving in, I connected with a very emotional childhood photo where I was forced to pose. On the right side of the picture, there's a hand resting on my shoulder. I call it the hand of the devil. It's clear that child was struggling, forced to suppress his emotions. That hand—on the one hand, it provided me with food and shelter, my survival depended on it. But that same hand could hit me, deprive me of food, lock me in, or even kill me. I still don’t know how it didn’t...

---

**Inner child (non-dominant hand):**
"Get away from me! I’ll fucking kill you!"

(Scribbles ragefully on the page as the child expresses emotions it couldn’t express in that moment.)

**Grown-up (dominant hand):**  
"Now it’s all okay."

**Inner child:**  
"NOTHING IS OKAY!"

**Grown-up:**  
"I will never allow anyone to make you feel useless or small. I will always protect you."

**Inner child:**  
(Scribbles again, caught in loops of comfort and familiar patterns, binging, and repeating old behaviors.)

**Grown-up:**  
"Can you try to let go of control?"

**Inner child:**  
"I will die! I will cease to exist if I do..."

(Moment of silence)

At this point, I felt a surge of anger, fully immersing myself in it, releasing it into a pillow. After this brief but intense release:

**Inner child:**  
"I am scared..."

**Grown-up:**  
"Should we try together to let go of control?"

**Inner child:**  
(Starting to trust) "Yes."

**Grown-up:**  
"I am always here for you. I love you. <3"

**Inner child:**  
"<3 Take care of me."

**Grown-up:**  
"I will, always."

 

Edited September 12 by shree

[Schizophonia]

6 hours ago, shree said:

Since the original is in Croatian, I’ve translated it into English for clarity. The conversation may seem unclear or irrational, but it’s deeply personal and

Another one.

What is this race lol, you are springing up like mushrooms here.
And besides I am the only particularly active Frenchman for 70 million people.

 

Edited September 12 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

[shree]

@Schizophonia Maybe it's time for more French reinforcements?

[shree]

Update on My Healing Journey

This past week has been transformative for me. During my bike rides to work, I’ve experienced moments of pure joy and even an infinite, psychedelic-like feeling.

Completely drug-free. It’s as if I’m unlocking new levels of happiness that I didn’t know existed. My connection with people has improved, my relationships feel much healthier, and my emotional self-control has reached new heights. Even occasional sadness now feels stunningly amazing.

 

I’ve also finally found the source of my brain fog and lethargy, allowing me to do amazing weight training without any pre-workouts. Despite my car being damaged in a costly traffic accident and going through the worst belly pain of my life a few days ago, I’ve kept my balance.

 

As Aerosmith says, "Sing with me, sing for the year, sing for the laughter, sing for the tear. Sing with me, if it's just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away."

That’s exactly what I’m doing - grateful for these breakthroughs and the progress!