Just turned 30. Reflecting on a decade of personal development.

[Quest]

I recently celebrated my 30th birthday, and I wanted to reflect on the past decade. Here's a quick backstory to put all this into context:

 

- I grew up the only child of a middle-upper-class family.

- My father is an extremely abusive toxic stage red/orange narcissist. It made for a very unhappy childhood - lots of emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse directed toward me and my mother.

- My mother is one of those people who was born to be a mom - warm, unconditionally loving, showed an unwavering belief in me even when I gave her no reason to suspect that I was going to flourish and prosper. Simply the best mom a son could ask for.

- Parents separated when I was 8. It ended when two police officers came to the house and arrested my father for assaulting my mother. Saw the whole thing (the arrest) happen right in front of my eyes.

- My mother and I moved from Toronto to Vancouver when I was 9 to get away from my father. I was too young to appreciate that my mom was trying to protect me. I saw it as her uprooting my life, so I hated her for it for many years. It didn't help that I found out by my father telling me that my mom was going to kidnap me and take me to Vancouver. Truly an awful experience.

- The aftermath of the abuse, trauma, and move set me back academically, socially, and physically. Overweight. Mental health problems - depression, anxiety, OCD (inherited on my father's side), and, I suspect, ADHD (though never formally diagnosed). Lots of subtle addictions as a teenager - food, porn, marijuana, and video games. Complete underachiever hanging out with the wrong crowd. Started seriously considering suicide.

 

Alright, so that's a very condensed recap of my childhood/adolescence. Here's what happened next:

 

When I graduated from high school, my mother took me on vacation to Mexico, where I had something a spiritual experience, if you can call it that. I remember walking out of the hotel onto the resort grounds, looking up at the sky, and feeling this deep, intense knowing that I was going to live an extraordinary life. This was before I had any concept of personal growth or self-actualization. It was just a deep knowing, felt in my soul. I can't describe it in any way other than divine revelation. And for the record, I'm not religious.

 

I was 17 at the time, and it wouldn't be until age 21 or 22 that I would discover the frameworks required to turn this revelation into reality.

 

Fast forward to 21. I had just broken up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years. It was a really unhealthy co-dependent relationship. We were both really neurotic and insecure, and we enabled each other's dysfunctional tendencies. At this point, I started to take my studies at the local community college more seriously, and I brought my grades up enough to get accepted to university. I broke up with my gf, packed my bags, and left town. It was during my university years that I would discover Leo's work - a discovery which would radically alter the trajectory of my life.

 

At this point, things were a little better - my grades were improving, I was working out consistently 3 days/week, and I was cleaning up my diet. I also made strides with my addictions to porn, marijuana, and video games. Whereas before, these three things basically constituted my daily routine (no exaggeration. I was playing 5-8 hours of video games every day for years and smoking pot every day), they now became occasional indulgences. Still, issues persisted. My social skills were subpar. I sucked with girls (I only had a gf from 18-20 because she made the first move and we both had issues, which seemed to attract us to one another). I still suffered from mental health issues, especially my OCD. I suffered from a subtype of OCD called Pure Obsessional Disorder, which made my life a living hell at times.

 

Anyway, being a horny 21 year old with subpar social skills and even weaker dating skills, I decided I wanted to get better with women. I found a company called Simple Pickup (do any of you guys remember them? They were hilarious!), joined their members group, and started watching all their videos. This is how I got into cold approach and, being in university, I was in right environment to hone my skills. I'm proud to say that every single date and romantic encounter I ever had in uni was done through cold approach. Never used the dating apps. This produced IMMENSE growth.

 

Quick digression: I remember when I started cold approaching, I was so scared that the best I could do in the beginning was tell girls that the reason I was approaching them was to run a "social experiment" for class. Looking back, it makes me laugh, but hey, you gotta start somewhere!

 

It was through pickup that I discovered actualized.org. Someone on the members group posted Leo's rant against the pickup community. As soon as I started watching, I knew I had found something (and someone) special. The depth of his analysis. The profundity of his insights. The wisdom. My heart resonated so deeply with this man's teachings. This opened Pandora's Box. Leo and actualized.org provided the frameworks, concepts, and teachings required to turn my revelation at 17 into reality.

 

For the next decade (technically, 8 or 9 years), I would go on to study Leo's teachings, as well as the teachings of others - taking what I learned, contemplating it, putting as much of it as I could into practice, doing the hard labour (physical, intellectual, and emotional) to integrate the teachings. This slowly transformed my life from the inside out.

 

Of course, there were lots of ups and downs. It wasn't a linear trajectory. But I took the notion of self-actualization very seriously. Over the last decade of doing the work, here's what I've accomplished:

 

Social Life

Whereas before I was awkward and anti-social, today I have a large group of amazing friends. For a long time, I struggled with the introversion/extroversion dichotomy, trying to figure out which one I was (I was very outgoing as a child, but quite withdrawn as a teen). For a long time, I rationalized that I was an introvert. But since overcoming my issues and my social anxiety, I've come to see that it was trauma and insecurity more so than introversion that was standing in my way. I've really come into my own as a social being, figuring out how to be authentic with others, becoming magnetic, and attracting awesome people into my life. This has been very rewarding.

 

Love Life

In the beginning, I SUCKED with women. I didn't have the faintest clue how dating, attraction, relationships, and masculinity worked. The pivotal moment for me was discovering Corey Wayne's work, which completely revolutionized my dating life. Today, I have an amazing girlfriend. We've been together for three years. It's a healthy relationship characterized by love, healthy communication, respect, kindness, fun, laughter, etc. I have a deep connection to my masculinity, too, whcih feels great. I'm receiving more female attention now than at any other time in my life, which also feels great!

 

Also, big up to @Leo Gura for his videos on how to have amazing sex. Those videos completely revolutionized my sex life!

 

Health and Fitness

Whereas before, I was overweight, sedentary, and had a poor diet, today I'm in excellent shape. I work out four days a week (and have done so since my early 20s). I prepare all my food from scratch so I control what goes into my body. I eat as close to 100% organic as I can currently afford (will go 100% organic as soon as I increase my income). I don't drink. No drugs. No smoking. No vices. I treat my body like a temple. I am the healthiest person I know.

 

Mental Health

Whereas before my mental health was a constant source of pain, and sometimes anguish, today I enjoy excellent mental health. I went and saw a CBT therapist. This was a turning point for overcoming my OCD. This, coupled with a pair of articles titled "Thinking the Unthinkable" (or something along those lines) gave me the tools needed to extinguish my pure obsessional disorder. This took approx. 3-5 years to accomplish, and it was totally worth it. I still have OCD, and I'll likely have it in some form for the rest of my life, but these days it's confined to simply keeping things orderly, tidy, and organized. I've actually transposed my OCD into something that helps me! 

 

As for my depression and anxiety, they're basically non-existent at this point, given how well my life has been going for the past few years. This is all thanks to the personal development work I've done. Personal development + therapy = great mental health!

 

Hobbies

Daily guitar practice, hiking, exercise, cooking, archery. My hobbies add depth, richness, and enjoyment to my life.

 

Career/LP

This, and finances are what I'm currently working on. This is the next big piece. I've been working in the fitness industry as a group fitness instructor, which has given me the flexibility to figure this part of my life out. I bought and completed Leo's LPC, which helped orient me in the right direction. I've spent the last 10 months learning to code, and I will soon begin putting together a portfolio of projects so I can begin my job search. Over time, I intend to use my coding skills to build a personal development platform of my own.

 

Finances

My net worth is well into the six figures. For the last year to year and a half, I've dedicated a half hour each day to studying finance to learn how to build and manage wealth. Most of my money is invested in VGRO, a globally diversified ETF. The decision to invest this way was inspired by one of Leo's recommended books - It's Not About the Money. I have a nice emergency fund, and I'm putting away anywhere from $500-$1000 each month to invest. Once I bring up my salary, I intend to invest even more (as well as allocate $$$ to other things, like therapy, savings, vacation, seminars, coaches and consultants, courses, etc.). Right now my salary is limited because I've chosen to take reduced hours (and, of course, reduced pay) in order to explore and create a LP for myself.

 

Spirituality

10 minutes of meditation each day. It isn't much, but I've done it every day since age 23 or so. I also do daily gratitude, which I've been doing since age 23 or so. I suspect the daily gratitude practice has had a profound impact on my happiness. At this point, my brain is wired to appreciate anything and everything in my life, which is a big happiness booster for sure.

 

Serious spirituality will come once I have (a) sorted out my career/LP and (b) gone to therapy to work through the remainder of my childhood trauma and forgive my father.

 

My relationship with my father

At age 25, I finally made the decision to go no contact. It was very hard. Narcissists do this thing in relationships called "love bombing" where, after they abuse you, they shower you with love and affection. The dramatic shift from terror to relief creates a strong emotional reaction that produces something called a trauma bond, which is one of the reasons why it's so hard to leave an abusive relationship.

Disowning my father was one of the best decisions I ever made for my mental and emotional health. I still have hatred in my heart toward him, and for this, I need a skilled therapist. As I mentioned, once I get my career in place, therapy is the next step.

 

Current struggles

1. Getting my career off the ground.

2. Reconciling the love I have for my girlfriend with the desire to see other women.

 

Plans for the future

Once I've got my career off the ground, the next big step is therapy to forgive my father and work through my traumatic childhood. After that, my time will be spent on philosophy, spirituality, and becoming more well-read in various fields - science, politics, society, history, etc.

 

The bottom line

What do I take away from all this? Self-help works. People are capable of immense growth. The work can be extremely hard. And it's worth it.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

P.S. A big thank you to @Leo Gura for his work. It has truly transformed my life for the better. You have been my greatest teacher.

[Sine]

Thanks for sharing this, it was super uplifting to read as I'm turning 30 myself soon, and like you, have been here since 21. Maybe for the second current struggle, Lorin Krenns content could be helpful, I know he talks about this topic on his instagram, but here are his webpage: https://www.lorinkrenn.com/

 

 

[Raphael]

Hey, congratulations for all your progress! From your post, it seems like you had an upward growth, did you have any important backslashes on your journey?

[Quest]

@Raphael 

On 8/30/2024 at 9:49 AM, Raphael said:

did you have any important backslashes on your journey?

More than I can count. That comes with the territory. 2 steps forward, 1 step back seems to be the nature of the work. I've experienced innumerable "failures" in every domain I've endeavored to grow in. All of them are important because they provide feedback about what's working and what isn't. You use that feedback to inform how to alter your approach. It's this iterative process that slowly shapes us into more capable human beings.

Also, I think an important aspect of experiencing ego backlash is simply recognizing that it's happening and allowing it to occur. As far as I know, there's no way you "snap out" of a backlash. You just need to let it run its course and keep moving forward.

Edited September 7 by Quest
typo

[Quest]

On 8/24/2024 at 6:46 PM, Sine said:

Thanks for sharing this, it was super uplifting to read as I'm turning 30 myself soon, and like you, have been here since 21. Maybe for the second current struggle, Lorin Krenns content could be helpful, I know he talks about this topic on his instagram, but here are his webpage: https://www.lorinkrenn.com/

 

 

Thanks! Happy 30th