My journey contemplating and exploring sexuality, intimacy and dating

[Nightwise]

Hello all. I’ve made the decision to start a journal regarding everything that has to do with (physical) intimacy, sexuality and relationships.

Before I start, let me clarify a couple of things.

1. I have no intention of making this a daily journal. Aside from a couple of phases in my life when I really needed something to hold onto, I generally speaking am not the kind of person that does well with something like routines and consistent habits. Quite on the contrary: I am the kind of person that really enjoys the freedom to do as he likes whenever he likes to do it (obviously there are ethical, legal and practical exceptions to this). That’s why I intend to write… Whenever I feel compelled to write.

 

2. It is okay if you as the reader respond to the things I write down here, but be aware that your comment may derail my attention and focus a little bit. It is now much less an issue than it used to be in the past, but your comments to my posts can be something I can get anxious and nervous about; Especially if what I’ve written happens to be quite controversial or sensitive. Interestingly enough, it is almost always the anticipation of it (especially if I know there’s a reaction but I don’t know the specific reaction yet) and not so much the reading itself which seems to be provoking a reaction in me.

However though, I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to be exposed to the stress of anticipating/reading someone else’s comment to my posts. I actually think it’s in a way quite a good thing for me, because I feel like it’s important to be exposed to the feedback of what I put out, so I can either be given food for thought by someone else presenting a different point of view, and/or I can learn to stand my ground and be unperturbed in the face of criticism or an emotional reaction. Learning to own what I’ve put out without feeling bad what I’ve put out if someone else disagrees with me, essentially (unless it’s appropriate to change my viewpoint)

On top of that, I think I will also be writing what I want to write on a word-document prior to posting it on these forums. This gives me the opportunity to fully focus on what message I want to send out into the world without being distracted by someone else’s comment.

In conclusion: I think it’s fine if you as the reader react to my posts as you like, but simply be aware that I can sometimes be quite sensitive to your feedback or comment. Especially if what I had written was particularly controversial and/or a sensitive topic.

 

3. As of the moment of writing this I intend to be very raw and unfiltered and therefore potentially also quite vulgar in the way I choose to express myself. I may choose to use words such as “Fuck, ass, tits, cum, pussy, cock, bang” instead of using more politically correct terms such as “Make love to, butt, breasts, ejaculation, vagina, penis, have sex with”

The reason for this is as follows: First of all I like to write primarily for myself, and secondly I’d probably like to be as raw and unfiltered as possible. Why? Because if I start filtering myself I feel like I have to hold myself back. I go through my life knowing I would get in trouble if I start acting and talking a certain way. I feel constrained by a kind of fear to not express my raw sexual instinct both through words and through actions. This fear, I feel, holds me back from coming more deeply in contact with the sexual self that I (also) am.

In order to become more acquainted with my instinctual and (raw) sexual self, I feel like there’s a certain necessity for me to practice courage and thereby drop my fear and shame surrounding certain sexual desires and instincts I have. If I keep on filtering my language on this thread as well, I feel like I can’t really fully own up to the aspect of myself that wants to express its raw sexual desires, and I feel that with that aspect comes a certain kind of language that is not calculated and/or political. For me to use certain vulgar terms feels to be much more in alignment with that instinctive, sexual aspect of me that wants to show itself and express itself fully without constraints or fear. That’s what I associate that type of language with. And to use more politically correct terminology, still feels like I am writing from a place of fear and shame, and I don’t want to be expressing myself from that place in my personal memoirs at the very least.

That being said, it is important that I am not misunderstood. Yes, I have an aspect within me that just wants to be raw and instinctive, but —as should be obvious but quite often isn’t to others— this isn’t the only aspect that I have within me. If being raw and instinctive was all I cared about, then indeed I would be a liability and people would need to be careful around me. But the fact is that I contain many aspects within me. I also, for instance, have within me an aspect that is genuinely concerned about the well-being of others. If I would want to let loose the sexual animal within in the presence of a woman but I notice she’s really vulnerable or overwhelmed by it, then I am confident I have both the necessary sensitivity and integrity to not ignore or be indifferent about those signals. I would then either slow down or stop altogether and check in with her, to see what it is that she needs at the moment.

I am not denying that there exists a possibility that I’m so aroused that either I miss her signals or too intoxicated by my own lust to be stopped by it, but by and large I think something like that would be quite unlikely. Regardless, I feel that the price I would have to pay to guarantee as much as humanly possible that I never in my life would cross a woman’s intimate/sexual boundaries would probably be a greater cost than accidentally (or through wilful ignorance) having a situation a few times in my life that I would push the boundaries too far and end up with a situation where a woman ends up feeling violated.

Obviously, that is not a situation that I would like to get myself into not only to evade potential personal legal consequences, but also because it isn’t something that I would want to cause to somebody else, because I genuinely do care about their well-being, as well personal ethics that I want to live by.

That being said, I do think it is probably better to be a little bit more bold and daring and learn to restore and repair effectively when necessary, than to keep on living in fear of what might happen if I ever were to push it too far. But I do obviously want to make sure that such occurrences are rare and that I’m always able to correct myself and learn from it so that a similar situation doesn’t have to happen again, and that I make sure I try to heal whatever I may have wounded in the person I had sexual interactions with.

All of this (living daringly), by the way, is not only an attitude I want to live by in regards to sexuality and intimacy, but really to life itself.

[Nightwise]

Monday August 26th, 2024

Okay, so now let’s actually dive into it. Where to start? There is so much that I want to be talking about, and I’m quite sure I’m not going to have the energy and focus to write about everything that is on my mind right now in one go. And that’s okay.

Some things that are holding me back

Maybe it’s best to give the reader an overview of where I’m at right now. As far as relationships is concerned, there is not that much to say, unfortunately. I am single, and I seem to be encountering some kind of chronic wall of resistance within myself when it comes to setting a strong intention to start dating a bunch and putting in the work and determination to make that happen. And I find it quite hard to exactly put my finger on as to why that is. There are some reasons I’ve already been able to identify, but yet I can’t help to feel there’s gotta be more to it.

 

One of the reasons I recently became aware of that’s holding me back from actively trying to date right now, is the fact that at this moment in my life, I don’t feel like I can offer enough strength and stability for a woman to be in a monogamous relationship with me. If a woman wants to seek out a partner, obviously it is natural for her (in most cases) to be wanting to seek out someone who can offer her a lot of attention and love, someone who isn’t very insecure and needy and is generally just confident and stable, and someone who isn’t very wishy-washy and constantly doubting himself and coming up against all kind of inner obstacles all the time, making the whole process so arduous and complicated.

And I kind of feel like I am that kind of person at the moment of writing this. Quite confused and uncertain what he wants in a relationship, and on top of that actually just very insecure with strong need for her to generally just adequately give me her attention and focus, and certainly for her to not wait too long with responding to my messages on Whatsapp (if it takes too long this is something that can make me very insecure and I can easily freak out about that).

I am just very sensitive to rejection and feeling abandoned in relationships. Even though I’ve never actually had a romantic relationship, I can pretty much already tell that this will be the case in this moment of my life. And It’s like I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on her for her to be that kind of woman that will almost always be there for me within a short period of time when I want her to answer to something that I’ve sent her.

I also don’t want to put the pressure on her for her to be dealing with someone who ironically tends to be someone who is very wishy-washy and often slow to respond to messages (which is not because I don’t care, but because I tend to need a lot of processing time), and someone who is very needy. I can’t imagine many women go out on a date looking for someone like that, or even to be generally just open to that. And I don’t want to feel like I have to carry the responsibility of being someone for her who presents himself with a certain degree of strength and stability, because in fact, I do actually want a relationship in which I can feel like it’s totally okay to be vulnerable (more on this some later time)

One could argue that many of these supposed negative traits I possess (I don’t like to judge so quickly but for a lack of better terms I just use ‘negative’ and ‘positive’) must have some positive traits within them as well. And I do think that’s true, but at this moment it feels like I’m pulling a lot more than I am able to give back. Although I must say that I do seem to vary in how strong and grounded my consciousness seems to from week to week or month to month (or even just day to day), which means that this lack of 'something to offer' actually doesn't seem to be so applicable even right this moment as I'm writing this, since I'm feeling now that I'm tapping into higher consciousness, which is a place where FOR SURE I know that I have a lot to offer from.

The emotional and sexual guide/provider/supporter archetype

That is not to say that there wouldn’t be any women out there in the world that wouldn’t be willing to fulfill the role of someone who is happy to be the kind of woman who wants to take on that role of being a ‘provider of intimate, sexual and emotional support’ without really needing anything in return as a loving act of compassion and service, but I’d reckon those women are probably quite scarce, and there’s almost this question within myself of “Well why would I deserve to be getting someone like that right now, when there’s so much I need to develop myself so I can become that kind of man that can offer a lot to women?”.

Don’t get me wrong. When I question of whether or not I deserve it or not, it doesn’t come out of a general place of unworthiness, but it’s more a question of whether it is justified for God or existence or whathaveyou to grant me the type of woman right now that would be this loving, kind woman who is willing to give me everything without needing anything in return (including not needing a sense of safety or containment or stability within the relationship). But if this kind of woman crosses my path and lets it be known that she wants to be that kind of woman for me, there’s no way in hell I’m going to pass on that opportunity.

But it does feel like a bit of a tricky paradox to be in. I might be wrong, but i feel that the best way for me to become a strong, charismatic, attractive and confident lover within a relationship (or just in general), is to meet the kind of woman who is this sweet-hearted soul who is willing to give me everything of herself and is willing to completely let me enter her in both her soul and her body

(I think that for women in particular, the body is the vehicle in which love can be expressed and offered in its deepest form. Certainly I feel it to be that way. This certainly includes (but is not limited to) sexual acts and offerings. Although she may have perfectly valid and understandable reasons not to, this is why I personally don’t feel like I can feel the extent of a woman’s love and compassion to the fullest degree unless she is willing to (at some point) be sexual and intimate with me. Whether this is factually the case or not, if she’s not willing to be intimate and sexual with me, to me it still feels like she’s holding back from loving me fully, regardless of how friendly and compassionate she is otherwise. This also, by the way, is in part the reason men tend to be so much more actively looking for and craving sex than women do within a neutral context, which is something that women don’t always seem to fully understand or acknowledge, because they generally are wired a bit differently. (I am sure I will delve even deeper into this subject some later time)).

Back on track

So i’d imagine that if I were to meet a woman who is willing to give herself to me fully and needs nothing in return and is very respectful and patient and forgiving and gentle with me (and answers messages quickly and attentively 😁), that she would get me to a point where I would be a confident and competent lover.

But then... again: if I don’t feel like I have all to much that offer right now romantically (in a general sense I do think there’s much deeper value within me, but I don’t think I’m in a phase where I frequently tap into the strongest version of myself. But this is something that could potentially change without it even taking that much time), then who am I exactly to be expecting or requesting such an awesome woman to come along? Yet... I feel like I need that kind of woman to (more easily) become that stronger romantic version of myself, where in that state, I would be deserving that kind of awesome woman.

You see my paradox? I feel like I need A to be getting to B, but in order to deserve A, I need to be B first. But I CAN’T be B because I don’t deserve A just yet!

I’m sure it’s not all so simplistic as I make it out to be here. Maybe i need to consider the possibility that I actually do karmicly deserve this awesome woman that I’m describing, despite certain insecurities/shortcoming I may have. It may also not need to be this picture of this ‘perfect’ kind of woman who is confident and strong (in a feminine kind of way), but it could also be...

Dating and relating as if we were children

So one permutation of the kind of woman that I would like to meet is this kind of ‘romantic/intimate/sexual guide’ archetype that I just described. Another possibility I reckon would be the kind of girl/woman who just like me, also carries a lot of vulnerability/insecurity. Or maybe it’s not even about being insecure, but rather someone who is just very childlike in their approach to a (romantic) relationship. When I say ‘childlike’ I don’t mean that in a negative sense. Let me explain:

I dream about meeting a woman romantically, but it’s as if we were children. With that I mean we both have a childlike innocence in the way we communicate with each other, which means we not only express our vulnerabilities and our innocence, but we in fact appreciate and like this about each other. Our relationship with one another would be as if we were a 7-year old boy and girl, where there would be no scripts, there would be no masks, there would be no hiding. And from that innocence, we’d feel totally free and accepted to not only express any fears and insecurities that we may have, but we’d also feel completely free to experiment with each other both as the souls and the bodies that we are.

And mind you, even though we are in many respects like 7-year olds, a crucial way in which we differ from actual 7-year olds (besides life experience) is the fact that we have a fully-developed sexual system. So be aware that this experimentation and adventurousness I’m talking about is happening within the context of this crucial piece of information.

Yes, I dream about something like this. To meet each other from a place of innocence; To have that be the foundation of our relationship in which every fear, vulnerability and desire is seen, accepted and embraced lovingly and gracefully by one another.

A relationship in which we don’t judge one another for not meeting the societal standards of what an ideal partner would look like. A relationship in which our quirkiness and weirdness can also be embraced and even enjoyed. A relationship in which love flows so easily, because there are no artificial masks and barriers created in order to protect ourselves from our fears and vulnerabilities.

And of course, a relationship in which we can explore each other physically. Where we can explore touch, smell, physical affection and were we let our hands, lips and genitals go wherever they want to go without restraint and (self-)judgment.

A relationship in which we also feel free to try things like... Nude wrestling. SM-style sexual encounters. Dominant and submissive play. Extremely long hugs just to see what happens, or laying blissfully in bed and spooning against each other after a wild sexual experience.

I feel inclined to suspect that these type of women generally are women who are... neurodivergent. Let me explain.

I myself have been diagnosed with both autism and ADD. What I have seen having encountered some other women with autism in environments for autistic people, is that they generally carry a much greater degree of unguardedness, innocence and vulnerability around them than the average person. I find the type of energy that they carry themselves with because of the aforementioned traits very attractive. I am very interested in this kind of woman who just seems to be so... Pure and innocent. I feel like this is not only the case with autistic women, but with many other neurodivergent types, including for instance those who are mentally disabled. They too tend to often have this kind of innocence, authenticity and unguardedness to them (whether they are date-material or not is another topic of discussion)

So... Look for an autistic girl?

Well, perhaps... But one thing that bothers me with that is that I know that the ratio of autistic men and autistic women tends to be quite asymmetrical. I know of a dating-service that connects autistic men and women to one another, and they had to put a stop to the amount of men signing up for it because the discrepancy between men and women was just too big.

This I find to be a problem. Not only in regards to this specific dating-service, but I kind of just HATE the idea of finding myself in this highly-competitive environment where you really have to struggle to out-compete others because there is a very high demand and a very limited supply. I don’t want to have to struggle and have to fight and have to go the extra mile in order to get an opportunity to be with or even date a girl like that. So that’s honestly one of the main reasons if not THE main reason I haven’t even tried something like that (although I perfectly understand the logic of ‘you always miss if you never shoot’.)

In fact, I find that in a more general sense I just kind of hate the idea of needing to acquire a limited resource in a very competitive environment (although I do wonder this has to do with the fact that I would sometimes incorrectly estimate myself to not have much of a chance to ‘win’ this competition). For instance: There’s a very limited amount of houses available in big cities in the Netherlands right now, and a very high demand. There are people who almost make it a day-job to sign up for as many opportunities to MAYBE get allocated a house, being one of the 500 who is trying to do the same. I wouldn’t imagine myself being able to do something like that over and over again and getting disappointed every single time (which is a response I need to really start working on: The ability to stay positive, hopeful and determined even in the face of continuous disappointment. One has to be able to consciously train and alter that negative response that gets people to become cynical and hopeless into a positive one, even if negative results persist (I’ve already noticed that visualization can work well with this)).

So... What now?

So... What is best for me to do? Well... I do feel that if I start to make a serious attempt to start dating a bunch (or even just once), that I need to 1) feel positive and optimistic about both the experience and the outcome and 2) feel like I have the resources to properly handle a rejection or a disappointing experience/outcome without feeling too down or pessimistic about both the date itself and future dates going forward.

And I think both responses can be trained. It has to be possibility to, right? I just have to be willing to try hard enough to get myself to associate dating with more positivity and hope (without becoming delusional). Because this would’ve been one of the main things that held me back for so long: The expectation of a negative experience or result. The cynicism, the fear of ‘getting my hopes up only for them to be crushed’, the images in my mind of women responding with disapproval or disinterest in who I am and what I’m trying to bring to the table, the expectation of a feeling of even greater powerlessness and hopelessness once the date is over with, it having turned into a heart-wrenching rejection.

Yes, There HAS TO be the possibility to change that association. In fact, i have been doing some visualizations as of late, and I already start to feel more positive when I imagine interactions with women; Especially in regards to sexual activity. I honestly feel that if I don’t change the way I feel about all of this (dating, intimacy, sexuality), then I will stay stuck. If I change the way I can feel about it and envision it, then I feel like there’s serious reasons to feel optimistic and hopeful. In fact, I have already made some progress in the sexual front in particular. I suppose that’s a little teaser for you all in what I may very well be talking about in my next post 😉 (but I might also talk about something else).

Open relationship/Poly-amory?

Last but not least: I have also been thinking about perhaps focusing on poly-amorous/open relationships rather than trying to arrange a monogamous one. The one way in which this might be helpful in particular is the fact that it removes the pressure from me to carry the (felt sense of) responsibility to be the kind of person who has all the different aspects and qualities that she is looking for in a man.

Simply put: I might very well have some qualities and traits that she’s really into, but there will be certain qualities that she wants to see in a partner that I don’t (currently) embody, and in order to fulfil that desire, she can simply look for another man who DOES possess those qualities. And then we can share her, and perhaps I will myself even look for other partners as well whilst I am having an intimate relationship with the girl I already talked about.

I am honestly not against sharing a girl, as long another partner does not completely start to replace me and she only still is around me just because she is too worried to hurt me by rejecting me. I still want her to feel like there are ways in which she can derive value from the unique characteristics that I possess. That being said, if her motive for her to be with me and share herself with me would be one of genuine compassion, loving kindness and servitude, that in and of itself might just so happen to be sufficient.

In the best possible scenario, us sharing partners does not detract or diminish the experience we have with one another, but it only enriches it because we do not feel constrained and limited by each other’s expectation to be monogamous. And for whatever quality or trait that we desire to experience in our partner that they do not currently seem to embody very deeply, we can simply find another partner that DOES have these qualities, whilst obviously not breaking up with one another and making use of the qualities that we do have.

So should I seek out partners who are openly poly-amorous or in an open relationship? Perhaps that might be the best option, as it would feel for them there is far less to lose given that I don’t need to be everything that they want, which also decreases the pressure from me personally. There is a kind of freedom in that, in which there is just no need to be ultra-selective for either of us because there is far less at stake than there is in a monogamous relationship. In a monogamous relationship, you have made an agreement that you are going to stick to one another even if certain of your needs are not being met in that relationship, which can lead to frustration and cheating (which at that point, you might as well decide to either break up or just make it an open relationship anyway if you can’t satisfy the fundamental romantic/intimate/sexual needs of your partner).

To be continued, I suppose... Next time, I might very speak about the sexual experiences I’ve had in the past couple of months and in which context they took place and what I learned from them (but maybe I won’t talk about this, we’ll see).

By the way, typing all of this feels actually quite therapeutic. I feel like it gives me clarity and release to get all of these thoughts out of my system and on paper.

PS: If you're a woman reading this who lives within a radius of let's say... 60KM from Nijmegen, The Netherlands, and you happen to be interested in who I am describing myself to be (or you would be happy to be of service to me 🙂), just know that this forum has a messaging system 😁. (I know I have talked about these internal walls I experience when it comes to dating, but I do feel like it would make a difference if I'm not the one taking the initiative here, and if I know I'm already being accepted because of everything I've already revealed about myself)

I'm not delusional though, and I understand —irregardless of my own inherent worth— that this attempt that I'm putting out here doesn't have much chance of success of being responded to just given the fact that this is not a dating site, nor are most people local to my area.

At the same time though, I feel like I might as well because I don't really see any downside to posting a request like this, as long as I don't attach myself to the outcome and don't realistically expect anything to come from this.

Edited August 28 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Tuesday, August 27th

So I already eluded to it yesterday, but I also want to have a conversation more in regards to sexuality. Of course, dating/relationships and sexuality have a strong connection, but one does not necessarily need to go with the other. In most people’s minds they do, but they don’t have to.

Given there are some mental obstacles when it comes to dating that I’ve talked about in my previous post, I’ve been looking for options to explore the domain of sexuality and intimacy without it necessarily needing to be in the context of dating and relationships.

I must say that, for the longest time and just like with dating and relationships, I also experienced a great deal of inner resistance when it came to taking action towards exploring intimacy and sexuality. Fortunately though, the last few months that resistance really seems to have started to significantly erode.

So what have I been up to, and what do I plan on doing?

Paying for one's desires

Well... You may have guessed it already, but I was referring to gaining access to women intimately and sexually that involves having to pay for it. I’ll explain myself as to why I think it’s okay to explore this in a moment, but first I want to clarify what exactly I’ve been doing.

Paid sex does not necessarily have to imply escorts (although it could). What I have been doing quite frequently (for my standards) as of late is visiting sex clubs and erotic cinemas. I have indeed a couple of times tried some more conventional ways of paid sexual services in the past (indeed escorts and prostitution), but I have also to a small degree explored the option of something called ‘sexual care’, which implies that there is a lady who is specialized in providing sexual services to men who have some form of a disability (whether physical or neurological) and therefore run into problems when it comes to dating in the regular way. I felt that with my autism and ADD diagnosis, I was sufficiently qualified to be signing up for something like that. (by the way, men can also be ‘sexual care’ providers for women here, and there are also homosexuals options for both men and women. So it’s not necessarily ‘women offer services to men’)

But I’m sure I’ll talk about this ‘sexual care’ thing some later time. Given that that is not one of the things I have actually explored the past few months, I want to talk about some of the things I indeed have explored.

 

I understand that there is often quite a stigma when it comes to prostitution and paid sex, so I’ll give a little disclaimer and explanation to how I view this topic:

Whilst I acknowledge that there’s a lot of shadiness and unethical stuff going on the world of paid sexual services, I refuse to see it as a world that is exclusively dark, depraved and unhealthy, because I truly believe there are healthy and even curative expressions of this whole domain of paid sex, and likewise I think there are healthy and curative ways one can engage themselves with this whole realm (If you step into this domain consciously, I think there’s even ways to grow and potentially even heal yourself if you engage with a woman that I would consider ‘unpleasant’)

As a matter of fact, there has been one time where I was going to meet up with a prostitute, and I remember first calling her and she sounded in some way unhappy and frustrated, and then some time later (when I was already on the train to the location), some guy called me who wanted to discuss the details of my appointment with that woman.

This did not feel right. This very much felt like a situation where the woman had not out of freedom chosen to be in the position that she was in, so I cancelled the appointment and went back home.

Yes, I certainly care that whatever woman I happen to be in an intimate/sexual context with, that she WANTS to be in that situation or at the very least has deliberately chosen to put herself in that situation, accepting the risk that not every experience is going to be a pleasant one if you open yourself up pretty much any guy (I totally understand the discomfort with that idea, so that makes me have even more respect and admiration for the women who consciously make the choice (not feeling forced to be making that decision) to take that risk and own up to the fact that sexual encounters can not always be 100% fun).

I could not tell you what percentage of women who are in the world of prostitution or paid sex are in that position because they’re either desperate for money and see no other viable way, or because they are forced by a guy to be in that position. I’d reckon the ratio is certainly different in different parts of the world. But I certainly do care to seek out the women who, at the very least, seem to be at ease and relaxed with the position that they’re in, and don’t give off the vibe that they’re unhappy to be in that position. The best possible scenario is of course when I would meet a woman who is particularly loving and bestowing, and not only willing but actually excited and enthusiastic to be intimate with me, as in that she wants it even more than I want it.

Rare breed though, I’d reckon. I do have my sights set on someone who I’d reckon might come close to that. More on that later, perhaps.

Some conversation about... (a) club(s)

Amongst a few other things, something I’ve been visiting twice in the past month is a sex club that I find having a particularly interesting format that I think suits me really well.

So in essence, this sex club is partially a brothel, but partially a bar also

It’s interesting, because between the last line I wrote above here and now, a lot of time has actually elapsed. Basically, when I was about to write about this place that I visited twice and I was going to tell how much I liked it and why, it got me thinking that I hadn’t actually been doing very thorough research if there are places like this that may even be closer to where I live. So what happened? I went on a searching binge.

In essence, there’s actually two types of... Should I call them brothels? I’ve noticed that the word doesn’t seem to very fashionable, presumably because it has a negative connotation to it. In Dutch, we either talk about a ‘private house’ (literally translated), or just a sex club. There’s also things like swingers clubs, and the interesting thing about that is that what I’ve found to be so far, is that at most of the swingers clubs, single men are welcome (probably because that’s the most lucrative thing to do). I’ve been at clubs or ‘sex saunas’ before where there were no sex workers present, which I didn’t really like, because that implies one has to probably use social skills in order to get something going (and my social skills aren’t always too great 😥), or perhaps one could just be a little bit bold and try to join a couple that is already having sex. I don’t like that as well, although I felt like I could’ve trained myself to get over such a hurdle like that using some positive visualization and just see what happens if I try. But I don’t feel like that’s going to be necessary anymore.

So the club I’ve been twice as of late, is one that has some paid ladies present, who are essentially just prostitutes. Well... I better call them ‘sex workers’ because I almost feel that if I were to call them prostitutes, that people reading this would think I wouldn’t have any respect for them (and I do have respect for them) given the word ‘prostitute’ has such a negative connotation to it.

So yeah, they are sex workers who actively invite men to have sex with them. As opposed to a private house though, you don’t instantly go into a room with a lady upon entry. Entry to the building costs 80€, but with that 80€ you also get access to a Jacuzzi, a bar, a buffet if you are present at certain times, and you get a coin for which you sexually gain access to one of the paid ladies there for half an hour in a private room.

I like the fact that there’s just a lady there who just actively invites you to go to a room with her, since I am quite shy in taking initiative myself in these kind of scenarios (although taking initiative in a scenario like this shouldn’t be that hard, because I know there are ladies present who I can just say any iteration of this to: “Hey, I want to use up this coin (which is a coin to be able to have sex). Can we go into a room together?”, and I know that that’s all I need to do to get things going. I don’t require to first strike up a conversation and needing to be a chatty, flirtatious and interesting person in order to make her want to be intimate with me before she’d feel ready to go some place private (or possibly just a public area, for that matter). That is a big relief of stress and pressure that I don’t feel like I have to do that. And that sets apart this place from another place I’ve been to where every lady present is just a visitor, most likely as being part of a couple (that may or may not accept other men into their sexual play, or may otherwise potentially be very selective about who they do and don’t allow to have a threesome with).

My first experience at the club

So anyway, the first time I got there, it was actually on a Monday evening in the middle of the holiday season. Consequently, I was literally the only customer there at the time. What I did was first ground myself a little bit by just bathing in the Jacuzzi that was present there, and then I went to the bar to drink a couple of beers to start feeling a little bit looser and more relaxed. Interestingly, right next to me sat one of the sex workers who apparently I had been automatically allocated to. It was an interesting busty, dark-brown woman (I don’t say black because black people are never truly black. Have you actually seen the color black? Do ‘black’ people have the skin color that exactly resembles that color?).

I like what she did. Whilst I was still sitting there at the bar drinking some beers, she just started playing with and rubbing my cock a little bit (all the whilst it was still staying in my pants). Yeah, she was very straightforward in her approach. It’s not like we did any (other) sexual acts right then and there, but I like the kind of... unashamed and unapologetic kind of approach to sexuality, to where she is just the one very directly takes the initiative. Not beating around the bush.

Obviously, it somewhat makes sense in that context. But nevertheless, I’ve encountered sex workers who tend to be just very passive in their approach. They don’t out of their own initiative go and play with you or your genitals or naughtily invite you to do things with them. They just... open themselves up to you but they are not the ones taking the lead. And perhaps it doesn’t sit very well with my ego which still wants to see me as a dominant, assertive male in the bedroom who is the one who takes the lead and does the thing to make a woman aroused. But perhaps... Perhaps I just like it more when the woman is the one who takes the initiative. Especially when I don’t feel at ease so much and perhaps a bit nervous.

I think once I start getting more comfortable and acquainted in the domain of intimacy and sexuality, I feel like I’d probably naturally feel the desire to be more leading and more assertive in the bedroom. For now, perhaps it is indeed just the best for me when the woman is the one who takes the initiative; Or at least prior to us getting into the bedroom leading up to it.

Well actually, I feel like if I’d be too passive in the bedroom, I don’t feel like I can properly engage with my own sexuality

Anyway...

(big language trigger warning ahead by the way for the next couple of bits. I'll justify/explain my vulgarity in a couple of paragraphs) My experience with her was really good. When we did go into that private room, the couple of beers really helped me to just be a lot looser, and yet did not seem to have an effect on the quality of my erection. So I felt like it just right about hit the sweet spot for me. The orgasm was great also. I came inside her (in a condom of course) when she was laying flat on her belly and me just fucking her whilst basically laying on top of her. One thing that really pushed me over the edge is when she actually squeezed her butt cheeks a little bit when we were in that position. That tighter sensation on my cock really did it for me (which also further increases my suspicion that anal sex might be the thing that would feel the best for me. Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten to try yet, though)

Might be the best sex I’ve ever had (mind you, I haven’t had sex all that many times tho).

My second experience at the club

Second time at that place, which was just a couple of days back, I was actually (as it turned out) way later to enter the place than I should have been. Yes, there were some significant delays on my part, but It was open until 3AM and I rang the doorbell just before 2AM, thinking that if it was anything like the last time I went there, one hour should be sufficient. Turned out that the woman who opened the door was very surprised and me being that late. Given that I had the expectation that there’d probably be a lot of guys anyway who wouldn’t stay there for very long, I was surprised that she was surprised. I suppose it was indeed a lot more custom to stay there for quite a bit longer than i had been there previous time, but the difference in the situation was that it was now a Friday night, and that most people would’ve been back from holiday yet not having their vacation ended yet in the sense that they didn’t have to go back to work again. So perhaps that explained her surprise, since it must have been a significantly busier evening where (I was told) the upper area also had been open, and indeed a buffet had been present. The jacuzzi also had already been closed, which i found to be unfortunate.

Anyway though, the woman at the door explained that there wouldn’t be a lot of time for me to hang around in the public area if I was going to go to a private room with one of the ladies of pleasure there. I think she full-on expected me to be the kind of person who would have the natural inclination to be hanging around the place for hours there, because I suppose that is what most people did there on a Friday night? I did not feel like there was such a reason to be all that hurried, since I also did not expect to need the 30 minutes with the girl that the coin would’ve allowed me to, but feeling their sense of time pressure, I think I myself also suffered under that when it came to my relaxation level when I actually did go into the room with this lady that I was going to have sex with.

Despite her being very attractive and having all the curves in the right places, and on top of that her also being around my age and just seeming like an overall sweet, kind and supportive girl, I did have some issues really getting off. We had sex in different positions and I was really grateful for the fact that there seemed to be so little limitations is what she allowed me to do with her (she allowed me to hug for a longer period of time without me making feel weird about asking it, she allowed me to kiss, she allowed me to eat her out, she allowed me to play with her body (she didn’t allow anal, though)).

However though, like I said, I had some issues really fully relaxing and getting to the point of ejaculation. What helps best to get me to cum anyway in situations like these, is to simply jerk off to her (in this case, whilst she was laying down so I could just spray over her body. She didn’t want it over her face).

I suppose I am so used to being able to get myself off through masturbation, that it is often the easiest way for me to get to ejaculation. Part of that has to do with —I think— the fact that a vagina doesn’t tend to be so tight when compared to the tight grip of my hand (I tend to have a really firm grip when I masturbate). So if I’m not really horny, it is difficult sometimes for me to cum in actual sex because I’m used to having a really tight sensation around my cock. This is potentially also why the orgasm was so great with the other girl I met a month prior in the same place because she clenched her buttcheeks, and for a similar reason I want to start looking for girls in the future that allow me to have anal sex with them (or maybe I instruct them to clench their buttcheeks 😁. But I don’t know if this will work with every girl because this girl had a properly big ass so the reason it may have been effective could have been because she had so much to work with 😂.

However, when I am horny enough to just cum in a vagina, I don’t think it really matters too much. If I am able to cum anyway, I am not sure if it would matter if it were anal sex or vaginal sex with or without clenched buttcheeks. But there is only one way to find out, and that is to eventually fuck some assholes 😏.

A little explainer

I wonder if the language I used in the last three paragraphs made some people dislike me. But yup, that’s what I said I was going to (potentially) do. Be raw in my language. Be unfiltered. People may assume that using this language means that all I am in the domain of sexuality is an animalistic pervert who does not care about gentleness and respect towards women, but I honestly think that just isn’t true. I just care about being able to own up to the sexual animal that I —in part— am. Although I understand that there’s a lot of acting involved, I have seen too many porn videos in which the woman not only doesn’t mind it if the guy is being very raw, animalistic, perverted and even forceful in the way he approaches having sex with her, but that she actually likes that he is being that way. In fact, quite a lot of women LOVE it. Prime example is Sasha Grey (look her up if you haven’t already), but there are so many other examples.

The point I’m making is: Just because I’m being very vulgar and animalistic when I describe the sexual encounters that I’ve had, does not by necessity mean that therefore I wouldn’t care for the soul that lives insides that woman’s body. Because for me, it doesn’t mean that. There is an aspect within me that DOES care for her overall well-being. But sometimes, I also just want to allow the sexual animal inside of me to also be set free, without it for once not needing to be politically correct in the way I approach a woman in the bedroom. Which, by the way, doesn’t mean I entirely lose my sensitivity and my mental acuity as to how my actions affect her.

It is, quite frankly, tiresome and burdensome to feel like on a sexual or romantic level I always have to engage with a woman in a manner that I won’t offend or trigger her. That I have to be polite, cautious, respectful, and generally be just like a gentleman. And social conditioning making me feel like I ALWAYS need to be that way in my interactions with women has gathered a lot of frustration within me over the years. It’s not like I don’t care or don’t want to be all of those things (respectful, gentle, cautious), but there are also moments where I want to feel okay to NOT be like that, because I know she can (probably) take it. And if I try to be a little bit bold, daring and wild and it doesn’t turn out well and she gets overwhelmed, then i always have to option of just slowing down, asking her how she’s feeling, and to caretake the fact that she got overwhelmed by something I did. In this way, whatever damage I may have done can immediately be repaired and restored, and in this way I believe she is able to trust me more deeply because she knows that if I overwhelm her that I have the sensitivity and mental acuity to first stop or slow down, and then to caretake her overwhelm.

I feel that approaching a sexual/romantic/intimate encounter in this way, would actually probably be better than just being a cautious gentleman all of the time, because in this way, there arises a greater opportunity to explore her (and really both of our) boundarie(s), making the sex more intense and the orgasms deeper.

I think she might end up being thankful that I wasn’t overly cautious. I do understand however that the more sensitive and vulnerable the girl, the better it indeed would be to employ a careful approach. The degree of boldness I feel would be appropriate to exert, I feel would be directly related to how she responds to my attempts to push the boundaries of our intimate/sexual interaction (it also depends a lot in regards to the context in which we’re meeting one another).

Anyways...

What does that club hold in the future for me?

One thing that was lacking in both situations that I had at that sex club, was that it wasn’t a good context to stay there for very long. As I had already explained, the first time it was on a completely deserted Monday evening, and the second time was an epicly later arrival when most guests had already departed (luckily, the ladies of pleasure hadn’t yet).

Next time, I want to be there on a fairly busy day and earlier in the evening and stay there for a longer time, to see if I can vibe a little bit more with the place and the people that are present there (including the girls). I would want to stay there for at least two hours, and also explore the upstairs area there. I think it can be quite helpful for me to become a little bit more acquainted and affiliated with the place in order to relax more, which hopefully also translates in the bedroom. I’m also curious if there would be women there who wouldn’t be employed by the club and therefore come completely there out of their own volition.

There is also a gangbang-evening once every month, but I’m not even sure if I want to be there if there wouldn’t be any of the paid ladies present (although there might be), because I seriously doubt my ability to become more unstifled in that situation and engage sexually with a female guest. But maybe that’ll be good for me to try. To set a serious intention for me to try that.

Exploring other possibilities

Last but not least, I’ve been considering actually going to one of these private houses... Maybe even today! Remember: These private houses were different from sex clubs in the sense that there isn’t a bar or anything; There are just rooms and the girls who will receive you in those rooms. The reason I’m excited to try that out, is because there is an option to go into a Jacuzzi with a girl. I feel like a Jacuzzi can really help me to relax, ease my nerves and any tension I may have, and have a good conversation with the girl about my (sexual/(lack of) dating) life. In that way, I hopefully can feel like I can connect with her more deeply, which then hopefully would also translate into the quality of the sex that we would be having. Because I am really looking to find the kind of context or environment that will just help me to relax and be at ease the most. What do I need for that? That’s a question I intend to experiment with the upcoming months (assuming I don’t have a sudden drop-off of motivation or start encountering big inner walls again in the area of sexuality, which is totally a possibility).

By the way, I notice I tend to oscillate in my life between ‘wanting to have a steady relationship (even if it’s poly-amorous) with a woman’, and ‘wanting to be the sexual adventurer that wants all kinds of experiences and doesn’t want to settle for any one particular thing’. It’s hard for me to figure out how to strike a clean balance between those two aspects of myself.

Edited August 30 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Tuesday, September 3, 2024

So… A couple of days ago I had an encounter with a sex worker that honestly wasn’t the best experience and left some negative effects in my system (although I do feel like a lot can be learned from it), but that’s actually not what I want to be talking about right now. Maybe I’ll discuss this a later time.

What I actually want to talk about is the following:

Getting severely triggered

Yesterday, I went to a lunch of… It’s hard to find a proper translation to this from Dutch to English… But basically it’s a sort of mental health services organization that basically has a walk-in living room where people who have been or are dealing with mental health problems can just basically socialize with one another in a safe environment. I am not currently really dealing with any (noteworthy) mental health issues, but I do have a past with it so I am eligible to be there.

Anyway… During this lunch there was this girl present who I am quite attracted to. We’ll call her… Amelia (not her real name).

What happened, tho? As has happened quite a number of times to me in the past, me being attracted to her yet simultaneously not feeling the capacity whatsover to do anything with that desire, was a big trigger for me for quite a lot of inner turmoil. It’s like… There is this desire and this energy force that wants to move and wants to engage but it is encountering a thick, concrete wall and this energy subsequently feels completely trapped, and then tends to eat me up from the inside.

I needed to leave that lunch prematurely. I just freeze up, can’t really engage with my environment anymore, and need to process whatever was triggered at home (in this case by taking a long, cold shower and shaking whilst taking it; Something I do fairly often and helps me a lot).

It’s like there’s a voice inside me at that moment that just goes “Aaaaaaaaahhhh! I want to do something with that desire that I feel for her but I CAN’T do anything with it! (without forcing it, which I have found through plenty of experience isn’t a good idea).

Reflecting upon it all...

Interestingly, this desire that I felt wasn’t really a sexual desire. Well... Maybe it was in some way sexual (when we talk about masculine and feminine polarity), but there wasn’t any desire for sexual intercourse. So often, when I desire a woman there’s at the very least an element of desire for sexual intercourse there as well. This time, I didn’t really desire to have sex with her. I just wanted to... More than anything I wanted that desire that I felt to be able to freely be expressed through having a cozy and warm-hearted conversation with her, coupled with some light-hearted jokes a bit of flirtation here and there. More than that, I also just wanted to hug her, touch her, stroke her gently, and ideally just lay pressed against each other in a bed or on a couch (obviously none of all this physical stuff in that particular living room). I just wanted to get to meet her soul, so to speak, and be intimate with her in every sense of the word except when it comes to sexual intercourse, as I wasn’t horny at the moment or desiring sex in any way.

It’s interesting that in such a moment, I also notice myself being able to imagine being interested in her life in general, when I normally —quite frankly— am not really all that interested in the stories of the lives of others. I mean, there are certainly circumstances in which I don’t mind hearing them talk about it and indeed do find myself having some interest in it, but generally I don’t really care to get to know people all that well. But when I’m attracted to a woman like this, it’s like I want to meet her soul. And in my desire to get to know her in that way, I also desire to get to know her story.

But yeah... I CAN’T MANAGE!

The attitude from which I proceed

The problem with so much of the advice I’ve heard about how to get a woman to be attracted to me, is that it pretty much all hinges upon feeling a sense of ease and freedom with oneself. And when I try to make plans to ‘game’ or attract a women/women, freedom and ease is the last thing that I feel.

In fact, the whole ‘trying to attract women’-thing is something that I can’t help myself to be super serious about. This is something that people who give me the well-intended advice of something like ‘just compliment her on how she looks/How I like her vibe/how I like her style/How I like her clothes’ don’t seem to understand about me all that well.

Those things would work well if I expressed that compliment from a place of spontaneity and ease with myself. But the thing is... If I try to make a plan on how I’m going to compliment her, I make the whole ordeal very, very serious. And if I then do give her that compliment it will be very forced. It means that my facial expression will be blank, that my voice will be monotonous, that my body language will be stiff and tense... All of that combined doesn’t make it all that likely that she will be happy to hear me say that because the energy that I give off is so... weird and perhaps even creepy.

This satirical video gives a perfect representation of how my vibe would be if I were to try to ‘prepare things professionally’ 😂: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ya_D9IwB3-s

You can see how the extremely serious nature of the vibe expressed in this (obviously satirical) video is a large part of the exact problem.

It could work perhaps if I’m having a good day and I feel myself being in a flow and then at that moment I do happen to be in that social environment where this attractive girl is. From that place, I could perhaps manage to indeed give her that compliment where it comes across as decently casual and spontaneous. But it’s tough to make some ‘master-plan’ of it because then I will give a lot of weight to the whole ordeal, not making it all that likely to be something that I could express from a light-hearted place.

Perhaps the reader may wonder: “Well even if you are expressing it from this serious undertone. Wouldn’t that be better than doing nothing at all? After all, maybe there is still a chance that she will like it. You never hit if you never shoot, right?”

In my personal opinion, it simply isn’t worth it. After having had enough personal experience, I understand the psychological consequences it has when I try to force something like that. It will only make me resent doing something like that in the future more. I will only associate the whole ordeal with more tension and negativity. It will only become heavier and more stressful; Especially if I feel like I creeped her out.

If I want to do something like that, it’s gotta be from a place of lightness and ease. Then it will feel good to do it (even if it feels slightly uneasy because it’s new), and then it will also feel good thinking back about it, which can support making similar actions in the future easier for me.

It will also come in handy to have a back-up plan for something to say or ask about if an awkward silence falls, or just to keep up the same vibe as when I first handed out the compliment.

An interesting example...

I remember with a sporting activity that I was at, that there was a girl there who hadn’t been there in a long time. I gathered some courage and told her with a fairly positive vibe: “Hey. It’s cool to see you back!”. And she smiled and responded “Thank you!”

All good and well you would think, right? Well then you don’t know me well enough 😂

After she said “Thank you!”, I wasn’t prepared how to actually craftily respond to that remark. I had only prepared myself to say the initial statement, and not how I would follow up on her response. It wasn’t even that I needed to anything special in particular, but it was important to just maintain the same energy that I made the inititial remark with.

So what did I do after she gave her response? In a relatively silent voice I said “yes” whilst my smile already had disappeared and I stared blankly ahead on the ground in front of me. My response wasn’t as if she had said “thank you!” in a cheerful way, but as if she had said “I don’t like you and I never will” in a mean way. The reality was that I just hadn’t prepared myself to follow-up on what I said, and I reverted back a little to soon to a dissociative anti-social state that I was so familiar with in situations like these.

And that was the last time I ever saw her even though there have been quite a number of sporting events since. Don’t know if I have to be crying or laughing here... (I do have to admit that there may have been other reasons that were either partially or solely responsible to her not participating anymore that had nothing to do with me. No way for me to know. But I always had a feeling that the way I responded to her “thank you!” may have had at least partially something to do with it).

And now?

So... What now? Where do I find the positivity and the motivation to start taking action again in the world of dating?

I am questioning if trying to start dating with women that I know in real life would be the best way to go for me. This is because —as I’ve already touched upon— I feel that anything I try to do to flirt with them or charm them feels forced at this moment. It’s this unfortunate paradox of “The more desperate I am for it the less attractive i will be, and therefore the worse my chances are of success”.

Although online dating provides its own unique obstacles that prevent me from feeling motivated to go for it. The jury is still out on it...

By the way, It’s interesting to notice that the pendulum within me keeps swinging from “being interested in sexual exploration” to “being interested in dating and relationships”. I have to be aware of the fact that I’m often not the same from week to week, or from month to month. This does make things trickier.

An attempt to arrange something new in my life

Okay. So between this sentence and the last paragraph I wrote, I have sent an email to an organization that coaches people with autism. I have noticed that there’s a 8-week course regarding relationships, dating and intimacy in particular (but there isn’t one planned as of right now), and they have a bunch of coaches specialized autism. I let them know that I was interested in the course so they could let me know if it was to start again, and I asked if there were coaches who —besides the specialism in autism they already have — also were specialized in relationships, dating and intimacy. Now we just wait...

I also told them I wanted it to be a coach who could make a specific plan with me rather than just talking about it. I already have people with whom I can talk with about this subject. I want someone who can really properly guide me and stimulate me and make a specific plan with me. Someone who can give me very accurate and hopefully wise feedback in relation to the things I’m experiencing within the field of dating and intimacy. I think I may very well need someone like that who can activate me like that. I have too many people in my life who are passive bystanders. They are very helpful in their own right because they can be great listeners and they can think along in a very helpful way. But as far when it comes to someone just really trying to activate me, I don’t really have anyone. Partially for good reason, because I generally wouldn’t really get along with them well (or I would just not follow instructions), but in the area of dating and intimacy, I feel like I very well could use somebody like that.

When I’m not all that affected by what she said or did

Last thing: I’ve thought a little bit about what exactly makes the difference between the way I react emotionally to the area of dating, intimacy, relationships and sexuality and other areas of my life.

Take Whatsapp-conversations with girls that I would want to date or make a (sexual) appointment with, versus those who I don’t really have much or any sexual or intimate interest in.

I know a girl who used to live just a couple of houses further (she moved now somewhere else in the same city) who is actually quite a bit more mentally unstable than I am whom I am having occasional whatsapp-contact with. We’ll call her Fiona (not her actual name)

I’m honestly really not all that interested in dating Fiona or having sex with her for whatever reason (and that’s besides the fact that she told me she is lesbian). I am not feeling that type of attraction towards her. She also is a person who is more sensitive and vulnerable than I am. There have been numerous occasions in which I said something which I thought was fine or just something that didn’t cross the line, where she seemed to totally freak out about it and she has even blocked me at times. Often times just because she told herself a different story about the situation than what was actually going on.

It almost always felt like walking on eggshells with her. It still does to some extent, but over the 4-ish years that I’ve gotten to know her, I’ve pretty much let go of trying to say the thing that wouldn’t offend her or trigger her, and just say that thing that I felt needed to be said, even if it was a bit confrontational or controversial.

If Fiona reacts disproportionally strong to it, at this point I’m still a little bit irritated and frustrated by it, but I’m also just a little bit like “whatever”. Because it has happened so many times that she blows something that I felt wasn’t all that big of a statement that I made totally out of proportion and reacts 10x more intense to it than seemed justified or sensible to me.

And now I’m not really trying to avoid triggers all that much anymore. I’m still a little bit careful, but when i feel like something needs to be said and she doesn’t respond well to it or even blocks me, I’m now at the point where I’m just done being concerned about it.

Take the last situation. Fiona messaged me that she had almost fainted and that it was the scariest experience of her life. Instead of consoling her or giving her some perspective in the moment, I decided that I wanted to try something radical that felt like a risky attempt, but at the same time with good intentions and something that might just end up being something very helpful.

So what did I try to do? I offered to go to her place and just spend the night together just kind of hugging each other or spooning each other (laying pressed against each other in bed). Why did I have this idea? Because I felt that maybe the thing that Fiona needed most was just to be held and feel connected. I feel like this may have been something that I needed when I was feeling bad. It also felt like an opportunity for me personally to try and develop my empathy. I at least wanted to see if it could turn out well for the both of us, even though I did have my doubts if I would have the necessary empathy and warmth that she needed in that moment.

I also explained to her (in my voice message) that my intentions truly weren’t sexual, although (I didn’t tell her this) there was always a slight possibility that it might become sexual if we were both feeling it. But again: That wasn’t the primary intention as to why I made that proposal. And now it appears as if she has blocked me 🙄

I do feel a bit guilty tho because I don’t feel like as of late I don’t really have the strength to be able to offer much for her, and I want to be that person for her but  just feel like I can’t. But that’s a different subject of discussion...

Anyway... To get back on track...

What I was going to say is that... How is it that with my contact with her I am perfectly able to be detached, but then when a girl who I want to date or be intimate with doesn’t respond well to me (or doesn’t respond at all), I lose almost all my ability to think and assess clearly and freak the f*ck out!

I suppose one reason is that I feel like there’s much more at stake for me. Another reason is often that it’s someone who I don’t know yet of if it’s a person who is reliable and consistent in the communication (are they someone who can easily ghost or block?)

When I AM very much affected by what she said or did

I had such a situation with an escort not too long ago. She is actually a girl who I already tried to contact twice before (in years prior) but it never really seemed to work out for different reasons. I keep coming back to her because on paper she seems like someone I would really like to share the bedroom with (but only on paper). In one of our conversation she somehow read a (nonexistent) subtext in my messages that I was only interested in her sexually and not in experiencing her as a human being, which is neither what I said nor what I actually intended.

Last time which was just a couple of weeks ago, she rejected and blocked me because of a reason that in my logical mind seemed completely absurd and I concluded that I had every right to not take this personal, yet on an emotional level I couldn’t help to feel personally rejected and that it somehow has to do with flaws that I have (even though she could barely get an impression whatsoever with what  wrote). I’ll let you be the judge by just showing the conversation

Me: 

We had a telephone conversation a few days ago, and if all goes well we discussed that we could meet on Wednesday (tomorrow). We didn't set a specific time

My memory isn't always great so I'm no longer sure how we would do with the time plan. Would you simply send me a proposal tomorrow? Or was there something I should do?

With kind regards,

[My name]

Her: 

Hi!!

Her: 

I get quite a few phone calls every day…

Her: 

So I honestly have no idea who you are, where you live, and how long you want to meet

 Her:

A text after a phone call would have been handy 😅

Her: 

Feel free to answer this by the way (Editor’s note: She’s referring to two messages above this one)

Her:

Then I'll see tomorrow what time you want to meet and for how long. Good night already!

Me:

Good night. I'll answer that info in a moment (I have to go to the toilet now 😅)

 

Her:

You could have left that last bit out

Her: 

I honestly have no interest in meeting you because of that

Her: 

Have fun with someone else and don't get scammed

 

And then I tried to write some things after it to clarify myself, but she had already blocked me.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

So am I crazy, or is her reason to block me after I said I was going to answer her after I went to the toilet plain absurdity? Did she somehow assume I was going to do weird shit at the toilet? Her remark makes no sense to me whatsoever, and I feel like I’m fully within my right to just dismiss her as a paranoid or emotionally liable person and just have the respect towards myself to completely forget about her and just move on, also given the fact that I had tried to contact her a few times before and it never seemed to work out because of what felt like were overreactions and wrongful assumptions about some of the things I had said.

But I notice I really struggle with that, and I also notice that I’m still just really hurt by this rejection, even though I should have every right to just say: “F*ck this person. I’m forgetting about her and moving on (even if it’s just to protect myself)”

But I already had found myself speaking in some long voice messages which I wanted to sent from another phone in which I talked about how I thought that what she did (blocking me for this) was totally wrong and how she should try to reform the communication choices she makes because it can be so hurtful and giving all the arguments for as to why that is and explaining why she’s not making the world a better place by rejecting and blocking men for things like these.

I have spoken in the voice messages, but not actually sent the messages (yet). Maybe I will at some point, maybe I won’t.

But letting go of a woman who seems to be either crazy or paranoid as the reason she rejected me, I find an inexplicably difficult task. Perhaps I really just need to talk more deeply with somebody about this.

Compare that with the contact I have with Fiona, where her rejection to have contact with me perhaps irritates me, but certainly doesn’t freak me out or make me insecure.

If only I could maintain that sort of mental stability and groundedness in my contact with women who I’m actually intimately or sexually attracted to. But I can’t, and I think the primary reason is because I feel like there’s so much at stake for me. I care too much. I feel like I need her so much to just embrace and accept me and be with me. And because of that, I can’t be at ease and I can’t just be chill or detached.

How do I get out of this? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I have some ideas but no definitive answers yet. Perhaps I’ll discuss this further in the next post.

[Nightwise]

Sunday, September 15th, 2024

Some topics to talk about once again. And once again, a bit difficult to know where to start.

Let’s start with where I left off on the topic of rejection. I talked with one of my two coaches/counselors specifically about certain interactions that I’ve had with women in the past that I felt rejected and hurt by. Some of which I’ve already addressed in my post above. Before we had our appointment, I shared with her three screenshots of conversations I had with women that went awry. Two of which I’ve actually already discussed above (the escort that rejected me because I said I went to the toilet, and the woman on Facebook (I felt like that one was a good example of how something even seemingly so unremarkable can still hurt a little bit).

It was good to have that conversation with her. Amongst other things, we talked about the fact that I have a strong desire to share a lot of information with women when it comes to chatting and Whatsapp. My coach told me that a lot of women probably aren’t all that comfortable with me doing that, and that this is something that might finding a good partner more difficult.

Long (voice) messages

We talked about if it was worth it or not to shorten up my messages and be a little bit more short and to-the-point in my online contact. And I think we honestly concluded that the answer to that question is probably ‘no’.

There is no denying that the vast amount of information I send online to women I’m attracted to can be quite overwhelming to many. Yet… Being very transparent and detailed about who I am and what I want feels for me the primary way in which I want to connect to a woman.

In the past I used to send long text messages. What I do now (because I feel like it’s both more engaging and easier to communicate emotions through) is to send long voice messages instead.

When I speak in a voice message, it’s a moment in which I can really feel myself and my desires and articulate them very clearly. When I meet a woman in real life (especially one I’m attracted to), I don’t find myself having the ability to communicate and vibe with her so freely. I often feel somewhat nervous and jittery, not really feeling like I can show her my depths and my strengths. Through voice messages, I DO feel like I am capable of doing that. I am relaxed and my mind is clear when I speak in such a voice message, and most of what I say feels on-point and I don’t tend to be insecure and second-guessing myself or doubting myself all the time. Heck, I generally don’t even tend to really doubt what I sent out afterwards. I feel grounded in what I said and I feel like I can own up to it.

Compare that to meeting a woman in real life (at least in a romantic setting or trying to meet someone with romantic intentions), where I often just feel nervous, not at ease, feeling like I need to live up to certain expectations, feeling like I’m going to be easily judged for feeling insecure and nervous…

I don’t feel like I am at ease enough to show my true self when I would meet a woman IRL.

Well… let’s rephrase that. I don’t feel like I am at ease enough to show her the attractive and confident aspects of myself when I meet a woman IRL. It’s not like I only let the woman know about my strong suits when I speak in a voice message to her. Quite the contrary: I usually let her know quite a bit about my needs (or even neediness), insecurities and vulnerabilities, but I am able to communicate of this information from a grounded and confident place and energy in the moment itself. That’s (partially) why I have such a strong inclination to share so much information with a woman through online means; It’s because it’s as of right now the only iteration I know where I can share my depths and my strengths with a woman through the energy in which I communicate. I also can show her my wisdom and intelligence.

Wanting her to embrace the boy in me

It’s not like there would be no possibility that I would feel confident and at ease in the actual presence of a woman, but not right off the bat I’d reckon. It’s like… There’s often certain things I want to say to her and certain things I want to prepare her for through online means before we were to meet up IRL so I can already feel like she’s both properly prepared and already accepting of me before we were to even meet up, so I can actually relax and feel like I can be my vulnerable and insecure self around her without having the fear of being judged for it. And if I can feel like I’m being accepted in that way, then there’s the space for the more stronger and attractive aspects of me to come to the foreground, even if we were to meet up IRL. That’s how I feel it’d be like.

I need a woman to first just embrace me and accept me as I am even in all my insecure, vulnerable and needy ways. But simultaneously, I also want her to be able to see the strong, attractive man in me, even if I haven’t shown it all that clearly yet. It’s like her ability to see that side of me will bring it out in me.

Yes, like that: Fully accepting and embracing of the insecure boy in me, but simultaneously having an eye for the man in me; Even when the man hasn’t shown itself all that clearly yet. It’s like when a street-coach in a poor, crime-filled neighbourhood meets a teenager, and where this street-coach believes in the ability of the teenager to make something great of his life even if all odds seem stacked against him, and through that belief that this coach has this teenager will start to belief himself that he can do it and he will actually accomplish that success that he is after.

Not everything in this analogy aligns well with my personal situation. For one, I already believe in the man that I can become and I don’t need somebody else to believe that for me to believe it myself. But… I think it would help if there was a woman —a romantic partner in particular— who would be able to see that man in me even before I clearly start acting like one.

I think a good question to ask myself is: Do I realistically think there’s a relationship possible for me in which I don’t feel safe or free to show the vulnerable and insecure boy within me?

I honestly think the answer to that question is “No”. I think it would just stress me out too much. I wouldn’t want to or even be capable of just upholding this persona of this strong, confident and competent man ad infinitum (even if there would be times when I would feel like a strong man).

Another follow-up question I then could ask is: Could it be a plan to be a little bit more cautious and reserved with showing my insecure, vulnerable and needy side right off the bat? The idea is to slowly get her used to that boy within me, whilst she first gets to know the more attractive parts of me.

The necessity for vulnerability

Something I just became aware of whilst writing this is that... I don’t know if I’m very capable of showing my stronger and more confident side if I simultaneously don’t feel free to show my vulnerable side.

And there’s a paradox here: The paradox is that I feel the strongest (at least when speaking in a voice message) if I feel that I can fully talk about my vulnerabilities and insecurities without shame or reservation. If I feel like I have to hide those vulnerable and insecure parts of me for too long, I start to get really conflicted inside.

Sharing those vulnerable and insecure aspects of myself feels like a relief. It feels almost as if coming out of the closet of sorts. Holding secrets and feeling like I need to act in a certain way makes me feel resentful and dissatisfied. There’s an urge, an itch to meet one another in a place of simplicity and innocence. And it feels pretty much like I have almost no patience to start acting in that pure and innocent way, even if it doesn’t strategically seem to be the most intelligent decision for getting into a relationship with a woman. I just can’t seem to fucking... want to bother with trying to be somebody that I’m not (in that moment) just because I think it’s the persona that I think she’d like the most.

Maybe... Maybe I just want to take full ownership of —if I authentically feel that way in the moment— presenting myself as this vulnerable and insecure boy when I meet a woman just right off the bat, and having no shame or reservations about being like that.

But being open, innocent and vulnerable like that, makes rejections come in pretty hard...

It comes in pretty hard because I’m presenting the real me, the vulnerable me. When I come to her without a shell and she hits me with a rejection, it will hurt extra much because I have decided to take off my shell.

And it’s not like I haven’t been presenting myself in an innocent and vulnerable way in the past to women I wanted to date or be intimate with. And I have been rejected (usually passively rejected; There’s no hard “no” but I notice a disengagement or disinterest in her). And it did hurt. And has in fact made me more pessimistic and cynical when it comes to future ideas to take action. It is harder to get motivated and optimistic about trying it again. And I am indeed pretty afraid of being rejected and that the pain of this rejection would get me into an even deeper hole where I feel even more stuck and discouraged.

Closing notes

So it’s a tough situation to be in. I do however think over time I can change my attitude and mindset when it comes to rejections, and I feel like there is potential to rewire my brain to feel more hopeful and confident when it comes to taking further action in the future.

And I also just want to see if I can find environments where it is more likely that there will be a woman who actually digs this kind of innocent and vulnerable me; Who can actually see it as a quality and not a defect or limitation.

And as far as these voice messages are concerned: Perhaps that’s exactly the way I want to keep doing it, and perhaps it’s exactly what I want to put in my bio on a dating site or something like that (Something like: “You being open to my long voice messages is pretty much a necessity if anything is gonna work out between us”).

PS: I did just realize that there is something I can ‘impress’ women with or show character through without feeling the need to be vulnerable straightaway, and that is that I can start recording some sessions of me singing (for instance in a Karaoke-bar). Singing is something I’ve been passionate about on and off for about 7 years now, and I’ve gotten quite good at it now I would say. I feel like that’s another way I can show some character without me —whether it’s wrong or right— necessarily feeling like I have to be vulnerable right off the bat (well... Singing is being vulnerable in it’s own way, but in a different way I suppose...)

PPS: I might decide to not include these headings anymore to indicate chapters of sorts. For whatever reason, I notice that I just find that very tiresome and difficult.

[Nightwise]

Saturday, September 28, 2024

Let’s finally write about something I should have been writing about many weeks ago.

But I got distracted by (amongst other things) ChatGPT. I’ve made a new journal topic in regards to my conversations with AI/ChatGPT, which you can find here (although I’m considering stopping posting there and just posting an IMGUR link to the relevant conversation in my other journals).

But okay. Let’s talk about this one thing that happened about a month ago now. I have been putting it off for too long, and I feel like I need to talk about to process some things mentally. But for some reason I experience a psychological obstacle to writing something like this which is much greater than going on ChatGPT and chatting a bunch.

 

So about a month ago, I visited a sex worker that was connected to something that is literally translated to a 'private house', which basically (as I've explained before) is a place that has no bar or anything but there are just women present which will accompany you whilst you are already in a room where one can have sex. In that sense it isn't really a 'social place'.

And honestly, it wasn’t the greatest of experiences. I went there during the afternoon whilst trying to stretch my waking period (trying to stay awake longer because my sleep schedule frequently gets out of whack) so I could get myself a little bit more of an ‘ordinary’ sleep schedule again.

I didn’t come there feeling all too great (although definitely could be worse too). I had hoped that I could take a cold shower there to reset my nervous system a little bit (something that works quite well for me), but there wasn’t really a realistic option for that. There was not separate bathroom somewhere. Rather, I was meant to take a shower whilst standing in the bath tub that was in the same room that this sex worker was also present in. The water didn’t even get particularly cold.

Long story short, it didn’t really do all that much for me.

I also expected when I got there that I would have the choice out of multiple women that would be present there. As it turned out: There were actually none available at the moment I got there because they already were preoccupied with other clients. Seemed that I needed to wait for one to be available again. I took a walk whilst waiting for the moment for that to happen.

The woman who was going to accompany me was —I would estimate— in her mid 40's. That wasn't overly much of an issue for me because I still found her to be quite sexy (I'm not overly picky when it comes to age (but obviously there is a limit )).

As far as how she was as a person: She was... Okay. But she didn't really want to kiss, and I felt like she was less receptive, open and emotionally engaged than for instance the sex worker I met in that sex club the last time I went there. It felt more like she was 'just doing her job' rather than to be happy to be there with and for me. This I found somewhat unpleasant. I had really hoped that I could meet someone who I could have a really good connection and conversation with. Whilst that may sound delusional to many of you, I think that in the Netherlands people in general seem to just be more chill and relaxed, and I'm quite sure (also because of the sex worker I met at that sex club the last time) there are some women out there who actually really (for the most part) enjoy their job as being a sex worker and genuinely feel like they can put their heart in their work.

But she wasn't necessarily that woman that I was looking for. Again, she wasn't... bad by any means. But she also wasn't good. And I really felt that for myself I needed a woman who would really be willing to open themselves up emotionally whom I could have a really good conversation with whilst chilling in the bath tub. I know I've said some moment ago that age isn't a big deal to me, but still I would for now have preferred a woman that was around my age or even somewhat younger; Not because of the way she would look per se, but because I feel that younger women generally tend to be more innocent, receptive and open in their energy, and also because someone who is my age it feels naturally easier to connect to because we are from the same generation. I would've liked to just meet a woman/girl who is just a 'sweetheart' and generally just a really chill kind of person.

Let's talk about that bath tub again: I actually had the idea to take a bath together with the sex worker to kind of relax and ground myself and have a little conversation with her, all of which I reckoned would help me feeling connected and at ease with the sex worker in question.  

Turned out that the bath was to be filled up WHILST we were already in that room and WHILST the session of the hour that I paid for had already started.

I didn't really like that. This meant that there didn't really seem to be any alternative other than to just kind of... dabble around with that woman when I didn't feel so much at ease with doing that just yet whilst waiting for the bath tub to be filled.

Something I really noticed during that period is that I really liked how me touching her butt felt. The sensation of touching that felt absolutely wonderful and aroused me. I wanted just to kind of... absorb that ass into my being in all kinds of different ways (like kissing it or pushing my face into it and things like that). I suppose I didn't feel quite comfortable enough to really go for that, but I tried to do it a bit.

I must say I do feel more comfortable taking initiative and not just being super passive then what it used to be in the past. In the past, I would feel so stifled that I barely would feel the capacity to do anything else than just lay down there. It wasn't nearly as much to that degree anymore now than it used to be in the past.

Yeah, I took some initiative here and there, and I've definitely improved on that. Ultimately though, I'd like to go to the level of expressing my arousal and horniness in such an unrestricted way that I really just go for what I want almost regardless of how big I would estimate the chance is of her not liking it (and then I could always still dial it back if I notice that she's resisting it and not liking it).

If you've ever heard of the male p0rnstar Rocco Siffredi (if you haven't maybe search him up on your favorite p0rn website 😉): I like the way he does it. The guy is completely unashamed in expressing his arousal and lust, and he just goes for what he wants to do without fear or restraint. There is something very alluring to that from both the perspective of men and women.

There's dangers in that because you could overwhelm the woman in question, but as he showed me, more often than not it leads to really hot and passionate sex (but I suppose it makes a lot of difference that this is pornography we're talking about and the women in question are mentally prepared for what's about to come (but they can still genuinely enjoy it)).

Yeah, there is something in that unhinged, unrestricted way of just going for what you want in a sexual act and not worry too much about how she responds to it, because you trust yourself that if she is overwhelmed or too uncomfortable by something you're trying to do, that you yourself have the sensitivity to dial back the intensity (and if necessary to just take a moment to stop altogether and talk through the situation with her).

That's a very different approach than what is being emphasized in the media nowadays, in which you as a man are pressured to always be careful and always make sure that there's consent in whatever you're trying to do before you do it.

That approach has advantages and disadvantaged, but it is very... woman-centric, and it does not pay enough attention to the desires of what a man might be in my personal opinion.

Actually, It's not even right to say it is woman-centric. Let me rephrase what I just said because it isn't quite on-point.

I believe that whatever desire that a man may have, there is (in potential) a correlative desire for the same thing that a woman might have; Except it is (in most cases) to be the recipient of that desire rather than to be the initiator of it. So effectively the desire in her is both the same as yours as it is opposite to yours.

I believe there are many women who have an aspect within them that absolutely DREAMS of a man taking full ownership of her in the bedroom, effectively making her his possession and calling every shot.

Simultaneously, I also believe there's a lot of women who fear such situation (often whilst they also have the desire for it) because they are afraid that the man in question can not be trusted in respecting her boundaries when her boundaries to get crossed way too intensely.

So I think for many (if not most) women they want a man who can help her push her beyond the boundaries in which she at her own does not have the strength to push herself beyond, but she also doesn't want her boundaries to be pushed so far that it becomes acutely overwhelming or even traumatizing.

So it's like... She wants a man to help her go somewhat beyond the boundaries of her comfort zone, but not go so far that it becomes too overwhelming and traumatizing. And she wants him to be able to sense into her deeply enough that he knows exactly how far that he needs to go that he maintains a proper balance between pushing her beyond her comfort zone, but not pushing her into complete overwhelm and shutdown/trauma mode.

But for that, it requires the man to 1) be bold, audacious and willing to be intense during sex, and potentially risking overwhelming her but 2) if he does overwhelm her that he is capable of sensing that and dialling it back and potentially restore whatever damage may have been done and not proceed before he gets green light again.

That's why I don't like the current discourse in our society today in which men are supposed to be extremely cautious, and that when a man has gone too far he should be cancelled and publicly shamed for it.

And this isn't helpful, because this is just repression. With repression, you do not remove desires; You just make those desires more perverted. Because of all the tension that now surrounds these desires, you now start to associate a lot of fear relative to these desires, and because of the fear the man in question starts to lose the capacity to express the desire in an intelligent and sensitive manner. Because that's what fear does; It makes you behave more unconsciously.

Now, when there is a desire in a man to have sex in a way that involves a dominant and submissive dynamic, it becomes more and more likely for that the repressed nature of the desire becomes so intense that the person in question loses its ability to make reasonable decisions and now the risks of actual sexual abuse and even rape become all the more likely.

And even with something like rape I feel like there's fantasies in many women who have an aspect in them that likes being the recipient of such acts, but at the same time there is also an aspect within them that wants to feel safe, which actual rape certainly doesn't tend to be all that much.

Life is complex like that. But it's a vastly misleading and oversimplified premise when society paints men as these creatures that are something like 'sexual predators by default if we don't teach them through repression and judgement that their desires for sexual domination are not okay'.

It's just not as simple as that. Men can own up to their desires to be dominant in a sexual encounter (even if that was not being explicitly consented to beforehand), but they at the same time bear the responsibility to attune to and be sensitive towards the woman they are having sexual intercourse with. 

Likewise, women can own up to the aspect that desires her to be sexually submissive, but they also need to be willing to clearly and explicitly state and draw their boundaries and express clearly when they don't want to do something. They need to be able to create that sense of safety for themselves by learning to be vocal when it is time to express their boundaries.

With women of course there is the risk that the man in question simply won't listen, but all in all in I think the chance of that happening is pretty low (although the more we as a society become repressive towards the desire of sexual dominance by men, the higher the risk becomes). If he were to actually 'rape' her however, I think the best thing a woman can do in that scenario if she simply doesn't have the physical strength to overpower him or get away from him, is to be very expressive emotionally so that there's an emotional outlet for them so that the event doesn't have to become overly traumatic. Expression =/= release.

I like what I heard David Deida said once: "Women do not have the strength to stop a man from dominating her sexually, but she can always out-emote him, and she can always out-fuck him (be more sexually expressive than him)." (This is not an exact quote by the way but an approximation of it).

By the way, I am talking about "men" and "women" here. Note that this doesn't always have to be the case like this. A woman can be dominant over a man, one man can be dominant over another man, or one woman can be dominant over another woman. But I think a man being dominant over a woman is just the most common over all over the other options.

Anyway, that was quite a detour. let's get back on track.

 

So there were some things I tried to practice with this sex worker by trying to take initiative here and there. I remember one specific moment where were sitting in bath and she was just kind of sitting on top of me bending somewhat forwards (her back facing me) and I just pulled her upper body toward my body. She didn't seem to mind I think.

Also another moment that I found really interesting was that we were having sex at one point before we went into the bath, I had asked her if she was okay with being spanked. She told me it's okay if I only do it lightly. But when we were having sex at one point I felt like she was really getting into it and I started spanking her, and I started spanking her harder. And instead of her saying that I shouldn't be doing that, I felt it only aroused her more and got her even more into it.

I believe it was also a moment where I felt like I was able to cum but didn't because it was still early in the session. I noticed that afterwards it was just hard for me to still get to the same point of arousal or even to keep my cock fully erect. So I feel like it may be better going forward into the future to search out more situations in which it is just totally okay to just come within like 15 minutes and not be too worried about the length. This is because I still feel like I need to practice with just 'fully letting myself go for it' and not having any reservations. If I try to sort of time the moment I ejaculate, I over time start getting in my head too much and out of the arousal of the moment, and then it may be hard to still get back into it. 

Obviously that is something I want to fix later down the line, but for now it may the most valuable thing to just allow myself to fully go for it and to ejaculate very quickly in a setting where it is perfectly fine for it to be just a short encounter.

I also tried to have anal sex with her later during the session (for which I had to pay 50€ extra), but I couldn't really keep my cock erect so that was pretty awkward and a waste of money...

I didn't leave that place feeling good. I felt quite a bit of shame coming out of it actually (but there have definitely been situations in the past where the shame was 10x more, so things are heading in the right direction I think). I think I just need more exposure and more time to become more at ease with my sexuality to make sure I will start feeling less and less shame. It also matters of course what the setting is and who the woman is (which wasn't all that ideal this time), so I'll try to manage that more intelligently come next time. A good example is making an appointment with a specific girl beforehand and also requesting for the bath tub to be filled up once I get there in the future.

Edited September 29 by Nightwise

[Nightwise]

Okay, so I've had an interesting idea some time ago, where I figured that instead of writing everything that I want to communicate, I simply record a voice message instead, and then I use transcription software in order to get it from speech to text. Then I use ChatGPT to make whatever has been transcribed look professional (because it tends to look every messy with paragraphs and punctuations all being wrong), and then I simply post it here 😊.

It's a bit scary because the word count went from almost 3000 words to just over a 1000 words, but I suppose most of the shortening is removing repetition and unnecessary filler words, as I did very explicitly ask it not to remove any details. As I'm quite sure it will retain at least the most important details, I am just going to trust it and let go of my attachment to have everything explained with such verbosity.

So without further a due, here is the final output. The first part (without headers) s actually the part that I had written myself, before I chose to go over to spoken word.

Monday, October 14, 2024

Alright. Let’s talk about what happened last Sunday. I think I want to keep my writings relatively short this time around.

So two weeks ago on Sunday, I went to this sex club that I had talked about twice before.

As should’ve been expected, there were some delays (felt very drawn to take a nap in the early afternoon). I also felt tired even just cycling there, so I took a small nap at a a beach there in the area and also took a dip in the fairly cold river afterwards to refresh my system.

But I still arrived at that sex club just being short of 3 hours until closing time, which felt like that should be enough time for me to not feel hurried and just to easily settle into my environment.

I could do that more or less. I first went into the Jacuzzi, but in the Jacuzzi I noticed that I STILL felt tired!

So what to do about it?

Well, after taking that Jacuzzi I went to the kitchen in which they told me I could ask for some fries and a snack. Buffet was included, after all (but this didn’t feel like buffet. Perhaps they did have that option but I just didn’t inquire enough).

Anyway, one of the sex workers was there who I actually had sex with last time I was at the club, and I decided to be a little bit brave and just sit opposite to her at the small table she was sitting at (there was just room for just two people at that table) whilst she was eating her fries, and we had a little chat.

I noticed she was drinking tea, and that gave me an idea: Some black tea (which should contain a good amount of caffeine) could help me with the fatigue.

So I went over to the bar and ordered a tea and went back to the dining area to sit back at the little table with the sex worker. But now, everybody else in the dining area was suddenly gone (oh yeah, haven’t told you yet there were other people present before that).

Honestly, nothing too special came from the conversation with the sex worker. It was just casual chat. I did ask her if she was still available later on, and she said “maybe” because first there was another client she was going to accompany.

After that, I finished my tea, went to the bar area and got myself another cup op tea, and also ordered a beer. The first time I was at the sex club ordering three beer got me in a sweet spot of feeling relaxed but not impotent, so the idea was to drink three beer once again, but now also with the two tea.

Once eventually one of the sex workers did become available (not the one I just talked about), it turned out that I had made a mistake. Not only did the beer not have the same effects for me as it did the first time around, but as I had drank 5 drinks in a relatively short time span, I also had to take a piss right before, right after and... here it comes... DURING the session with the sex worker.

Okay, slightly misleading 😁. I did not piss whilst I was having sex with her, but I did feel like I have to mention to her that I had to go to the toilet. So our session got interrupted.

It was once again a new sex worker. I estimate her to be in her 50’s, but she was a really kind and sexually supportive kind of woman.

Initial Plan: Jacuzzi and Extra Time

Before my visit, I had already planned to go into a jacuzzi with her, intending to pay a little extra for additional time. My idea was to spend half an hour in the jacuzzi and then half an hour in the bedroom. Normally, the default is just half an hour, but you can pay for more time. However, the staff told me that it wasn’t possible, even though there was more than an hour left before the place would close, and my last half hour was supposed to be in the bedroom anyway. This really threw a wrench in my plan, but I decided to go with it.

Starting the Evening: Energy and Alcohol

As I had mentioned earlier, one of the problems was that I drank too much. I’ll talk about this a bit later. So, the evening started with me needing to use the bathroom first. Then we went into the bedroom, and I liked her energy. She was kind, positive, and compassionate. It’s been over two weeks now, so I’m trying to remember the details.

The Experience: Lack of Arousal and Reflection

I think we kissed a little, and she gave me a blowjob, but to be honest, I don’t really enjoy blowjobs—they don’t get me hard. I’ll explain what does get me aroused shortly. At this point, I don’t remember every detail of the session. I was more passive compared to the previous couple of times, and the alcohol didn’t seem to be helping. In fact, it might have made it harder for me to get an erection. I also didn’t drink a cup of the special tea I had during previous visits, which was supposed to be an aphrodisiac. So far, though, I haven’t really felt like the tea worked, but maybe it did, because this time I didn’t take it, and I couldn’t get hard as easily.

Struggles with Erection: Realizations and Embarrassment

It’s a little embarrassing. I’m 29 years old and struggling with getting an erection in many situations. When I compare real sex to watching porn and masturbating, there’s maybe a bit of fear with actual sex because you’re connecting with another person. Many men can get hard without needing that connection, but for me, the thrill and excitement of it have faded. I used to find it easier to get an erection because the excitement was there, but now that thrill is gone, and it affects my arousal. The setting also matters, I suppose.

Fluctuations in Libido

It’s a bit embarrassing, and I think how aroused I am beforehand plays a role. I go through phases where I’m not very interested in sex, content with just porn and masturbation, and don’t feel a desire to pursue sex with women. Sometimes, I’m not even interested in women I see on the street. But other times, I’m quite distracted by women everywhere and feel much more sexually charged. So, my libido fluctuates.

The Role of Desire in Sexual Performance

When I’m not already in a sexually excited phase, it’s hard to get into the mood, and that makes it difficult to get an erection. I remember a contrast where, in May or June, I was quite horny, and I called a sex worker the same day. The sex was great—probably one of the best I’ve ever had. I was really acting out of my lust, and it worked well. I think part of the reason it was so good was because I was already horny before even making the call.

Masturbation as a Functional Tool

By the way, I’ll dive deeper into the topic of masturbation in another message, but quickly, masturbation helps me relax and reset. It’s functional for me because it allows me to rest properly, whereas without it, I’d feel ungrounded for a while.

Returning to the Recent Experience

Returning to the experience with the woman from two weeks ago, at one point, I had to use the bathroom. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t too awkward. I remember coming back and realizing I wasn’t hard anymore. She tried to help by giving me a blowjob, but blowjobs don’t do much for me. What did get me going was when I invited her to lie on top of me, and we made out a little. I really enjoyed the full-body contact, with our bellies pressed against each other, and my hands were free to roam. I liked that, and it got me aroused enough to have sex again. Eventually, I came.

Shifting Desires: Intimacy Over Sex

At this point, I’m reflecting on what I actually desire in terms of sexual intimacy. I’m not as excited about meeting a sex worker just for the sake of having sex anymore. Right now, I feel like I want to connect with a woman first, to vibe with her, before having sex. For the first time, sex feels optional to me when meeting a woman. If the connection is there, sex can happen, but it doesn’t feel necessary for me to be satisfied.

New Feelings: Connection Over Physicality

This is a new feeling for me because it used to feel like sex was essential. I think I still want a woman to be open to the possibility of sex, but I’m realizing that the connection itself is more important. Even with a sex worker, I’d prefer to have a conversation and maybe relax in a jacuzzi or bathtub first, without the need to rush into sex.

Where Do I Go From Here?

This shift is new and quite interesting. It’s making me reconsider my approach to sex and relationships. Do I continue with sex workers or start focusing on dating? And if I choose dating, should I start now or work on myself first? For the past eight months, I’ve felt like I’ve lost some of my strength, grounding, and power.

I feel almost more like a woman now, wanting to connect emotionally before feeling ready for sex. In some ways, this has always been true for me, but it’s more pronounced now. Sex feels optional, and the focus is on connection.

What’s Next? Psychedelics and Sexuality on Pause

I’m still unsure about where to go from here. I’m considering taking a pause from all of this while I dive deeper into psychedelics, which could put the dating and sexuality exploration on hold for a while. There are still desires here, but I don’t know if my next step will be paid sex, dating, or something else. Time will tell.

 

Edited October 15 by Nightwise