Attachment to women. What is behind it ?

[Javfly33]

By some reason I can not seem to transcend this twisted game. 

I met a girl some while ago and that hell of starting to become attached to his attention and even text messages replies has been created again.

Luckily I know where this goes so I rapidly have stopped this before it gets too ugly, but it really bothers me that things have to be like this.

Is sad I can not seem to be able to have a relationship with a woman that is just healthy, on the same level. 

Has anyone with the same issue being able to go beyond it? 

Edited August 20, 2024 by Javfly33

[BlueOak]

An Anxious Attachment Style:
Video that might help: https://tealswan.com/legacyworkshops/n2018/stockholm1/?t=1330
More data: https://psychcentral.com/health/anxious-attachment-style-signs

The video is specifically the kind of person you might attract, which might help to see the often attracted opposite (avoidant). YouTube has quite a lot of examples of Anxious Attachment styles, or the other types: like disorganized and avoidant etc.

Hope it helps.

For balance:
It's not a bad thing to enjoy communication with someone you are interested in and look forward to them messaging you. That's part of a romantic relationship. I also understand anything can be taken too far, and if you crave and chase attention then yes that would be unhealthy. I felt it was important to try to put that in context for you.

Edited August 20, 2024 by BlueOak

[Keryo Koffa]

In order to transcend the girl, you must become the girl!

This is a lesson passed through the ages, the act of Individuation means Integration!

You must do the anti-climatic and embody all that you seek in an experience

As the wise @Sugarcoat once mentioned, there is only one way to win this game:

On 8/3/2024 at 1:16 PM, Sugarcoat said:

Be female 

As the wise @Someone here would mention:

On 8/4/2024 at 10:22 PM, Someone here said:

Isn't it?

Isn't it so?

Yes or no?

As the wise NoSelfSelf would relate to your situation:

On 8/7/2024 at 10:59 AM, NoSelfSelf said:

@Javfly33 Im brainwashed but watch out when you finally decide to go in a relationship how much addiction it will cause you i can already see you thinking:did she text me? Omg did i do something wrong? I need to see her, guys help me i love her it hurts,how can i stop thinking about her i miss her🤪

[Someone here]

Its nothing to be ashamed of . You are a young straight guy so you have sexual and emotional attraction towards girls . Getting obsessed about texting is normal if you are a newbie or if that girl is a "bomb" aka incredibly attractive and you have fallen "in love " with her . So which one is it ?

[CARDOZZO]

Love women with all your heart.

Don't forget to love like the sun.

[Whitney Edwards]

It's not like women don't get attached. I was attached to a guy for almost a year long after the relationship had died. It's completely normal and you don't have to beat yourself up for it. Walk away from someone who doesn't deserve your attention. Be with someone who is equally invested with you. 

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

By some reason I can not seem to transcend this twisted game. 

I met a girl some while ago and that hell of starting to become attached to his attention and even text messages replies has been created again.

Luckily I know where this goes so I rapidly have stopped this before it gets too ugly, but it really bothers me that things have to be like this.

Is sad I can not seem to be able to have a relationship with a woman that is just healthy, on the same level. 

Has anyone with the same issue being able to go beyond it? 

There could be attachment issues here.

But it could also just be a reflection of being under-resourced regarding your connection needs. 

And you start to feel more attached because you're wanting connection... but seeing the only outlet as just one person... because you don't have as many close and intimate connections as you need.

This could potentially be remedied by creating a more robust social circle.

[Lyubov]

I think the issue goes down to childhood where over many years we are conditioned to seek approval and praise and attention from loved one and people we think give us value. The thing is we have innate spiritual value. Intimate relationships are a mirror of love and a doorway to connection experiences which many people have a strong appreciation for. After all we are social animals so it’s natural to place emphasis on this being important in one’s life. I think where we go wrong, and I can tell you this now since I’m struggling with the same thing in a back and forth situation ship that was once my 3 year girlfriend, that these dynamics tie directly back to our belief system which was usually formed in our childhood and formative years and has only been strengthened by more experience. I think it’s important to dig into it and ask these questions if another person can complete us or give us value? I’ve found that to be false. 

[Salvijus]

It's natural to want more of what feels good imo.

A relationship can be a blessing if approached rightly. And life is a relationship fundamentally. It's just a question from what state one enters a relationship that will determine if it will be a blessing or a bondage. 

I don’t know if that even answers the question of the thread lol, but whatever. 

Edited August 21, 2024 by Salvijus

[Schizophonia]

What is the problem ? I don't understand.

[NoSelfSelf]

2 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

What is the problem ? I don't understand.

He's feminine and think women want to date themselves basically...

[Schizophonia]

16 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

He's feminine and think women want to date themselves basically...

If you aren't "attached" why would you have a gf in the first place ?

I think the only problem is thinking that we have to gain by being too submissive, pretending not to want her ass, etcetc. It's basically learning Freudian phallic dynamics, the passage from the mother (who expect a feminine behaviour, especially if she suffers from hysteria or a disorder like that) to other women (who expect masculine behavior from us).

It's a question of belief about how to approach a relationship, not attachment. If we don't understand that we're stuck in strange clichés like "follow me I'll run away, run away from me I'll follow you", pretending not to be attached or whatever.

Because it become the only way to not fall again into the pre-oedipal dynamic, and behave in a submissive manner.

 

Edited August 21, 2024 by Schizophonia

[Schizophonia]

11 hours ago, CARDOZZO said:

Love women with all your heart.

Don't forget to love like the sun.

Love her like a BMW 

 

[NoSelfSelf]

Just now, Schizophonia said:

If you aren't "attached" why would you have a gf in the first place ?

I think the only problem is thinking that we have to gain by being too submissive, pretending not to want her ass, etcetc. It's basically learning Freudian phallic dynamics, the passage from the mother (who expect a feminine behaviour, especially if she suffers from hysteria or a disorder like that) to other women (who expect masculine behavior from us).

It's a question of belief about how to approach a relationship, not attachment. If we don't understand that we're stuck in strange clichés like "follow me I'll run away, run away from me I'll follow you", pretending not to be attached or whatever.

 

Because you love yourself enough that you dont get attached so you chase yourself ive been preaching this for year now but oh well keep suffering guys...

[Schizophonia]

2 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Because you love yourself enough

 

that you dont get attached so you chase yourself ive been preaching this for year now but oh well keep suffering guys...

What does that mean? 

I don't flirt to have validation, i flirt because i like having a submissive sexy acolyte.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Schizophonia It means that love is already taken, you dont get in love so you cant get attached ,when you already anchored to yourself.

[Schizophonia]

9 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

Because you love yourself enough

 

that you dont get attached so you chase yourself ive been preaching this for year now but oh well keep suffering guys...

Unless you're a monk i'm talking about the attachment of the pleasure felt. As with any object.

[Keryo Koffa]

There is a difference between Infatuation and Love

Infatuation - Being in awe of the traits that make the other stand out

Love - Deep empathy towards the very mind that materializes itself through its behavior and style

And so, to solve infatuation, you need to acquire the traits you're attracted to.

And love is just love, unspoken and intuitive, nothing to pursue or desire, only to appreciate and experience.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Schizophonia Same answer you are attached to pleasure because you are not to yourself which makes you weak.Pleasure is pleasure you are not run by something outside of you.

[Schizophonia]

13 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

@Schizophonia Same answer you are attached to pleasure because you are not to yourself which makes you weak.Pleasure is pleasure you are not run by something outside of you.

You are regularly on a forum, behind a computer, living somewhere in a great european city.

Why do you talk like a theravādist monk?

I'm not interested by this paradigm anyway.

Edited August 21, 2024 by Schizophonia