Musings About Expectations, Gifting People and Perspective

[Sincerity]

I want to share some insights in regard to expectations / gifting / perspective, inspired by communication with my romantic partner.

Something I was struggling with a bit: when I bought meals for me and my partner she would often eat half of hers (due to already being full) and instead of giving the rest to me (when I'd like to eat that) she would ask the restaurant staff to pack the rest for takeout for her for another day. Also she would sometimes (in the past) not like to share her meal with me just so I could try it. I was touched by that.
(More context: I really value diversity in life. When I'm in a restaurant with 3 other friends we will share meals with each other so that each of us tastes everything. That's something I really love. My partner is different however, we had different upbringings and traumas. Still, out of love for me she started to share things with me so I can try them.)

I thought about this and we communicated honestly. I noticed how it all depended on my perspective of how I viewed buying a meal for us. It could be:

1. I am buying a meal for us. It is OURS. For us to eat it here, together.
2. I am buying a meal for myself and her. Her meal is HERS. She can do with her meal what she pleases, after all I bought it for HER.

I was mostly assuming the first perspective. Thus I felt touched when she packed the meal for takeout and didn't want me to eat the rest. Assuming the second perspective, however, I understood I am making the decision to buy her the meal and she can do whatever with it. I no longer felt touched. Better yet, I felt good with respecting her boundaries and treating her as the man I am - truly giving something to HER. Not to "us". Giving something to ANOTHER.

There is so many layers of expectation when giving something to another. Imagine buying someone a present and you learn that they sold it a week later. You'd probably be touched - why? Didn't you give the item away? No. I noticed you don't give something away until you shed the last of "you" from it. So as long as an item for someone is "a present from you", you have expectations in regard to it because it is still connected to you! YOU are invested in it! And the more effort you put into a present, the more "you" of you usually is in that present.

And so paradoxically: for something to truly be a present from you, it has to stop being "a present from you"!  It has to be theirs entirely and for you just an item. To truly give something away is to shed any association of you to the item. Otherwise there is expectation.

You can take this and consider how it relates to the interplay of you vs God (or: you vs reality, you vs other).

Any thoughts or related stories? Let me know. 

Edited August 18 by Sincerity

[Schizophonia]

Altruism as we could hear is an illusion.

Fundamentally it’s still just a transaction, always.

 

Edited August 18 by Schizophonia

[Salvijus]

43 minutes ago, Sincerity said:

Something I was struggling with a bit: when I bought meals for me and my partner she would often eat half of it (due to already being full) and instead of giving the rest to me (when I'd like to eat that) she would ask the restaurant staff to pack the rest for takeout for her for another day. Also she would sometimes not like to share her meal with me just so I could try it. I was touched by that.
(More context: I really value diversity in life. When I'm in a restaurant with 3 other friends we will share meals with each other so that each of us tastes everything. That's something I really love. My partner is different however, we had different upbringings and traumas. Still, out of love for me she started to share things with me so I can try them.)

Hmmm... Idk... This is deep topic. Somehow I sense more warmth and brotherhood by sharing the food rather than stocking it to yourself. 

Many arguments could be made on all sides tho. 

[Sincerity]

8 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

Hmmm... Idk... This is deep topic. Somehow I sense more warmth and brotherhood by sharing the food rather than stocking it to yourself. 

Many arguments could be made on all sides tho. 

I think it's a matter of upbringing. Her mother often didn't respect the ownership of her things and ate her food for example because my partner "ate it too slowly". WIth my mom we almost always shared things but there was also the expectation to share and not sharing could be seen as selfish. Different upbringings/childhood traumas = different attitudes in life, right? But with love and honest communication compromise is always possible. 

Edited August 18 by Sincerity

[bambi]

I like to share food with friends like tapas style. Some people are more insular and prefer not to share. The notion of taking food home and not even offering you to try some seems fundementally wierd to me, and don't remember ever dating anyone like this lol. Maybe  she was super poor growing up and she wants every mouthful herself.

I agree its not the most fun environment for me, its all about sharing, inclsuivity, and lack of boundaries. I dont think Id enjoy such a formal dynamic around something as basic as sharing food

[Sincerity]

4 minutes ago, Lila9 said:

This is beautiful to see that you have such good communication and awareness. It could turn out very differently if you didn't have this communication and awareness. She would see you as someone rude who doesn't respect boundaries, while you would see her as someone selfish and egocentric. You would resent each other secretly for that, and it would slowly kill your relationship.

Thanks for the kind words! 

We love each other a lot and grow in that love, we communicate honestly and tell each other whenever anything makes us feel not right. I changed a lot in my behaviour due to our conversations and my awareness of what the healthy relationship requires of me. 

In the relationship I'd say she's more emotionally mature, direct with her feelings and forgiving than me. In contrast I'm more insightful, leading and taking care of her. 

I sometimes explicitly tell her about the mechanics of my devilry and selfish behaviour so that 1) she is aware of it and thus more immune and 2) I am exposed and can no longer employ dirty tactics in the shadows.

[Sincerity]

7 minutes ago, bambi said:

The notion of taking food home and not even offering you to try some seems fundementally wierd to me, and don't remember ever dating anyone like this lol.

She relented on me trying out her food because I expressed it's important to me.

She usually doesn't share food with friends and doesn't want to be shared with either. She literally doesn't care how someone else's food tastes. Just different attitude/values I'd say. 

[bambi]

4 minutes ago, Sincerity said:

She relented on me trying out her food because I expressed it's important to me.

She usually doesn't share food with friends and doesn't want to be shared with either. She literally doesn't care how someone else's food tastes. Just different attitude/values I'd say. 

Yes its absolutely different attitudes and values, absolutely lol!

Maybe I wasnt clear: I dont find those attitudes or values attractive in a partner, and is not my personal preference. I like kind, easy going girls who are open to sharing etc. YMMV

[Sincerity]

1 minute ago, bambi said:

Yes its absolutely different attitudes and values, absolutely lol!

Maybe I wasnt clear: I dont find those attitudes or values attractive in a partner, and is not my personal preference. I like kind, easy going girls who are open to sharing etc. YMMV

Understood, respect ✌️

[Sincerity]

5 hours ago, Lila9 said:

This is very open and sincere (like your nickname lol).

It’s clear that you don’t want to manipulate or control your partner but to work with her. You seem very serious and invested in this relationship, applying the psychological and spiritual wisdom you have acquired during your journey, and this is so inspiring ✨

Thanks! Yeah, sometimes it is very difficult to say "I did this intentionally to hurt you. I was angry at you and I wanted you to hurt" or "I did this to steal your energy. Unconsciously but still. I'm sorry". 

[bambi]

Have you also tried communicating 'It bothers me how selfish and self-centred you are around food and belongings, I have a need for sharing and genorisioty in a partner that often times doesnt get met especially in relation to food. I find it off putting and unattractive, which I have then been taking this out on you passively aggressively, as I was too much of a coward to own it and explain it you'

[Sincerity]

16 minutes ago, bambi said:

Have you also tried communicating 'It bothers me how selfish and self-centred you are around food and belongings, I have a need for sharing and genorisioty in a partner that often times doesnt get met especially in relation to food. I find it off putting and unattractive, which I have then been taking this out on you passively aggressively, as I was too much of a coward to own it and explain it you'

Where'd that come from 😭 I don't feel that way

Quote

sometimes it is very difficult to say "I did this intentionally to hurt you. I was angry at you and I wanted you to hurt" or "I did this to steal your energy. Unconsciously but still. I'm sorry". 

The above I said in general. Not in regard to the original situation

Edited August 19 by Sincerity