Advice on my situation

[sda]

Hi everyone, 

I want to share an incident and I want your guys opinion and advice on how to handle this situation. Basically, I had a bike accident on June, 2024 and I suffered so much blood loss due to the severity of the bike accident. My friend took me to the hospital and took me to my apartment plus he took really care of me like he gave me food on time and medicine on time because my one leg was paralyzed due to bike accident for one month. After one month, I recovered from the accident and I could walk well. As a result, he said that he wants to live with me for free for 3 years because of the help he provided me when he had a bike accident. Although, he has sufficient funds in his bank account to support himself financially to pay rent for an apartment for 3 years, he wants to live with me for free, without rent for 3 years. I do not have sufficient funds to rent an sole apartment alone for 3 years so I might have to share it with some roommates. I wanted to ask you guys that is this normal of him living with me for 3 years without rent or this is not normal/not okay? Currently, he is staying with me in my apartment without paying rent.

Any opinion or advice to help me in this situation is helpful.

[Salvijus]

I would just see what a baby sitter is worth for a month in your country, pay him that and be done with it. Unless he begins to throw tantrums, then it's a bigger issue. Then you have a parasite with you. And a part of me believes that's what you're dealing with. I'm going to try to share what I feel by reading your post. It could be completely wrong but here it goes anyways. 

It seems that you're being pressured to play along because otherwise there's going to be lots of drama, perhaps a brake up and you'll get labeled all kinds of names, bad friend, ungrateful, jerk, and just lots of anger and judgement will follow if you oppose. (That's such a dick move honestly). But it also seems that you are afraid to upset that apple cart because of all the conflict that would come out of it. Even tho deep down you're not happy with the situation.

I feel if you succumb to the people pleasing pressure, you're going to feel resentment towards him on a deep level for all those three years, (unless you're really good at suppressing your heart to the point you can't notice it anymore) . So there's conflict going to be either way. If you go with what you feel is right in your heart, there will be conflict because he's already attached to his ideas. And if you go with his tantrums, you won't be at peace either.

My personal recommendation would be to go into silence by yourself and see what feels right in your heart when nobody is pressuring you to do anything. Every situation is relative and unique and there is no one answer to every situation. You should inquire your own heart to tell you wants the appropriate action is and only what feels true in your heart should lead your way, even if that means losing all your friends and being judged by the whole world. 

Good luck. 

 

Edited August 18 by Salvijus

[sda]

@Salvijus FYI, I am a student and he is also a student. However, thanks for the reply and your advice.

[Sincerity]

3 years?! That's messed up. Not normal, not okay.

Pay him up whatever sum you genuinely feel is right and be done with this. No rent paying for 3 damn years. 

[JosephKnecht]

Try to decide how much his kindness was worth to you. Give him that kindness. 

Just a reminder that true kindness is not expecting anything back. 

[sda]

@Sincerity He is asking for 15000 Chinese yuan because my current residence is in China and if I rent him a room to him for free for 3 years then it will basically make up to 15000 Chinese yuan and I don't have such money. To be honest, my mental health is deteriorating because he is asking me such money and is telling me that he should not have helped me because I should have paid him such money first and then he should have helped me in my road accident scene. For the full picture, he saved my money because if I was in the hospital then my medical bill would have been 15000 Chinese yuan to 20000 Chinese yuan for the treatment of my paralyzed leg during the road accident which he did at my home residence for free.

1 hour ago, JosephKnecht said:

Just a reminder that true kindness is not expecting anything back. 

Good point.

1 hour ago, JosephKnecht said:

Try to decide how much his kindness was worth to you. Give him that kindness. 

 

2 hours ago, Sincerity said:

Pay him up whatever sum you genuinely feel is right and be done with this. 

So I give him 15000 Chinese yuan as his kindness?

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, sda said:

@Sincerity  if I was in the hospital then my medical bill would have been 15000 Chinese yuan to 20000 Chinese yuan for the treatment of my paralyzed leg during the road accident which he did at my home residence for free.

Hmm... That's not the right logic. Hospital bill includes all kinds of bs like taxes, facilities, building maintainance, security and who knows what else. 

A fair price would be: take the nurse's month salary. A nurse gets paid for taking care for 25 people let's say. So devide her salary in 25. Take into account that you're not paying taxes so cut 20%more. Plus he's unqualified, so cut 20% more. That would be a what you owe him for his job. 

 

 

 

Edited August 18 by Salvijus

[Sincerity]

43 minutes ago, sda said:

@Sincerity He is asking for 15000 Chinese yuan because my current residence is in China and if I rent him a room to him for free for 3 years then it will basically make up to 15000 Chinese yuan and I don't have such money. To be honest, my mental health is deteriorating because he is asking me such money and is telling me that he should not have helped me because I should have paid him such money first and then he should have helped me in my road accident scene. For the full picture, he saved my money because if I was in the hospital then my medical bill would have been 15000 Chinese yuan to 20000 Chinese yuan for the treatment of my paralyzed leg during the road accident which he did at my home residence for free.

So I give him 15000 Chinese yuan as his kindness?

Tricky situation for sure. Definitely right to pay him back somehow. If YOU deem his kindness was worth 15000 yuan - sure, but it doesn't have to be that number.

If that's truly your friend you should be able to communicate with them about your worries. You simply don't have that money right now. Maybe you could agree to pay him back at some point in the future. 

If your friend wasn't there and you had to pay up 15000 yuan to the hospital, what would you have done? Is any help from parents not an option?

49 minutes ago, sda said:

he is asking me such money and is telling me that he should not have helped me because I should have paid him such money first and then he should have helped me in my road accident scene.

That's a very dickish thing to say. Don't let yourself be manipulated.

[Salvijus]

Nobody gets paid for taking care of someone for a month, 3years worth of rent. Wtf. Nurses would be millionaires. 

[Spiritual Warrior]

18 hours ago, sda said:

 As a result, he said that he wants to live with me for free for 3 years because of the help he provided me when he had a bike accident. 

What an absolute dick head

Edited August 19 by Spiritual Warrior

[sda]

17 hours ago, Salvijus said:

Hmm... That's not the right logic. Hospital bill includes all kinds of bs like taxes, facilities, building maintainance, security and who knows what else. 

A fair price would be: take the nurse's month salary. A nurse gets paid for taking care for 25 people let's say. So devide her salary in 25. Take into account that you're not paying taxes so cut 20%more. Plus he's unqualified, so cut 20% more. That would be a what you owe him for his job. 

But he was taking care of me 24/7. He was with me 24/7 and right next to my bed 24/7. 

16 hours ago, Salvijus said:

Nobody gets paid for taking care of someone for a month, 3years worth of rent. Wtf. Nurses would be millionaires. 

3 years worth rent is 28800 yuan and one month expenses in hospital is 15000 yuan. 

17 hours ago, Sincerity said:

That's a very dickish thing to say. Don't let yourself be manipulated.

Oh really? Is it dickish? How is it dickish?

[quantumspiral]

Demanding to live for free with your friend for free for 3 years after you help them recover from a bike accident is absolutely insane.

As soon as I read your post, I knew this would be a non-western country.

[LastThursday]

He should definitely pay you rent. You're not obliged to pay him back for his help at all, even if you feel grateful. It seems like you didn't ask him to help you, so there was no arranged agreement there. If you had agreed to him staying rent free before he helped you, then it would be different. You can show your gratitude in other ways.

[Exystem]

Seems almost like a psychopathic behavior to me. This is definitely not (!) how a friend acts. He didn't do it with heart, he even said to regret not to ask for the money beforehand. This is not (!) your friend!!! He asks for a big amount of money, it seems calculated, unfair and cold. This is a manipulation scheme. You should educate your self a little bit how to spot a narcissist or psychopath etc. This behavior will probably not be the only strange behavior he displays. Don't let yourself manipulate that way, it will only get worse from that point. Don't give him that money, he will invent new schemes to suck even more out of you, maybe he claims to get blackmailed etc. See what happens when you don't give him money at all or just the appropriate amount Salvijus calculated. He will probably not act like a fair friend anymore and maybe even invent stories like being blackmailed etc. See for yourself.

[Leo Gura]

Huge red flag. Your friend is not really a friend.

If he took care of you for one month that's maybe worth 1-2 months of rent, max.

Edited August 19 by Leo Gura

[Starlight321]

I think the others have brought up good points. Can you help me understand the mindset. Is it common in the chinese culture to compensate help with money or something in exchange or ask for such amounts of money?

[vibv]

On 18.8.2024 at 10:28 AM, sda said:

Hi everyone, 

I want to share an incident and I want your guys opinion and advice on how to handle this situation. Basically, I had a bike accident on June, 2024 and I suffered so much blood loss due to the severity of the bike accident. My friend took me to the hospital and took me to my apartment plus he took really care of me like he gave me food on time and medicine on time because my one leg was paralyzed due to bike accident for one month. After one month, I recovered from the accident and I could walk well. As a result, he said that he wants to live with me for free for 3 years because of the help he provided me when he had a bike accident. Although, he has sufficient funds in his bank account to support himself financially to pay rent for an apartment for 3 years, he wants to live with me for free, without rent for 3 years. I do not have sufficient funds to rent an sole apartment alone for 3 years so I might have to share it with some roommates. I wanted to ask you guys that is this normal of him living with me for 3 years without rent or this is not normal/not okay? Currently, he is staying with me in my apartment without paying rent.

Any opinion or advice to help me in this situation is helpful.

That makes no sense whatsoever. Firstly, if he really was your friend he wouldn't demand something in return after he helped you. That just makes it a business transaction instead of helping a friend in a time of need.

You do not owe him anything, let alone 3 years of free rent — I don't get where this idea of him even comes from.

I can see that he wants a "thank you" in form of a meal together or something like that but the way you put it it seems he just wants to profit from the situation by making you feel as if you're in debt to him now. You wouldn't treat a friend like that.

[OBEler]

Paying rent will not work

He always will remember you for the one month he cared for you.

Tell him the truth that you don't like that he stays so long and pay him out or maybe there is another way of paying out.

[ICURBlessings]

"Taking care of someone in need" is an action that can be within "ALTRUISM"

"...Payment ...money ...free rent ..." those are words and a vocabulary of "BUSINESS".

 

Did he talk "Business" before helping you or at the beginning when he started helping you?

If he waited to tell you his intentions were not ALTRUISTIC - but BUSINESS oriented - only AFTER "helping you". Then his intentions falls within a type of manipulation via guilt - which is a fundamental behavior of narcisstic-personalities (mental-dysfunction).

I believe in a court in any country he would be found groundless unless he had an agreement with you that you would PAY in some form for his help.

 

I think there is a lot of good advices in this thread.

 

You are dealing with your sense of guilt - which involves what we use to call our 'conscience' - which only YOU can answer. However beware Guilt is not a good-master and you DO NOT want to be found Its slave. If this person wants a BUSINESS relation - Keep it that way - don't let Guilt control you. Business is business.

If he manipulated you into a "DEBT" he should not be rewarded - in my opinion - for his behavior.

[CARDOZZO]

The guy is basically a communist nurse.

Pay him one month for services and tell him to fuck off. 

You don't need a friend like that.