Kundalini naga panchami

[Buck Edwards]

You'll always be wandering aimlessly like a disembodied voice in this world that is not suited for you, this world is not for me, not for you. 

Jesus Christ put it correctly, "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God"This world is based on survival. It does not fulfill deeper needs. That's why the deeper self is at conflict with this world. 

Edited August 12 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

On 31/07/2024 at 8:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I need a large dose of positivity in my life. 

 

On 02/08/2024 at 5:58 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I feel better after I masturbated. It's like my sexual drive is back. But not fully yet. I want to focus on how I feel. 

 

On 02/08/2024 at 10:49 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have to work on my organizational skills. 

 

On 02/08/2024 at 10:51 AM, Buck Edwards said:

TO MY HUSBAND MARCEL :

In the quiet moments when the world fades away, my thoughts inevitably turn to you. Your love is the steady heartbeat of my life, a constant rhythm that grounds me and fills me with an indescribable peace. You have always been there for me. I can't believe hun that you prayed for me. Maybe I'm alive because of your prayers. You are the best thing that has happened to my life. 

I cherish the way your laughter lights up a room, and how your eyes hold the universe when you look at me. You are my confidant, my lover, and my best friend, all wrapped into one extraordinary man. With you by my side, every day is an adventure filled with promise and JOY. Our bond is so trustworthy and meaningful and so full of life. Everyday you bring me nothing but joy and a big smile on my face. Every morning starts with you and my life has shown a tremendous transformation. There are tears in my eyes, I couldn't have been grateful enough. All the happy memories flood back again. 

Thank you for being the unwavering rock upon which I build my world. Your strength, your kindness, and your unwavering support inspire me to be the best version of myself.

I love you more than words can say. Thank you for just being there. Thank you. I truly deserve your love and you know that. 

 

On 02/08/2024 at 10:55 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Everything begins to make more sense when you cleanse yourself of toxicity and start on a new slate. Then things begin to fall in place. 

 

On 02/08/2024 at 10:57 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Make a list of things I can do for my mental health everyday. 

 

On 02/08/2024 at 8:15 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have a lot on my plate currently. 

 

On 02/08/2024 at 9:45 PM, Buck Edwards said:

The world cannot be spiritual because then it won't aid survival It's about the absolute versus the relative. They don't meet. They are at odds. 

The whole kumbaya thing only happens in dreams. 

The divine self needs another divine self. The divine value needs another divine value. The divine heart needs another divine heart. The divine world needs another divine  world, not this materialistic world. This world is an antithesis to Divinity, the sooner you realize this, the better.. That's why you feel neglected, poached and roughed up and judged. 

Your needs would be met immediately if you were living in a divine world that seeks the virtues of the soul rather than the body. Now if you walked into a temple and said these things, they would mock you, because this language of the soul they do not understand. They can't relate. 

 

On 07/08/2024 at 6:13 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have to make a list of goals. 

 

On 09/08/2024 at 11:40 AM, Buck Edwards said:

You're always the central character of your life. That's how I look at it. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

On 09/08/2024 at 1:28 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 09/08/2024 at 1:32 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 09/08/2024 at 1:34 PM, Buck Edwards said:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

On 10/08/2024 at 6:31 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Journal Entry Saturday August 10.

Woke up happy. I masturbated last night and felt better after releasing my sexual repression. 

On the Emotional scale I would say Enthusiasm, Eagerness and happiness.

 

16 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

I have to have the courage to make bold changes in my life. However it can be done. I've been going through a low sex drive and I have to work on it. Past few days have been challenging and I'm worried about my future. What does it hold? I don't wish to philosophize too much. 

 

 

16 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

I have been busy doing farm work for the past couple of days. Sometimes I just wonder about Sasquatch. I don't know but that thing fascinates me like crazy. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

16 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

What are the things I like in life? 

 

• Beauty
• Makup 
• Cosmetics 
• Jewelry
• Food 
• Flowers 
• Diaries 
• Heels 
• Stories 
• Spa massages 
• Night outs.
• Date nights 
• Floral dresses
• Anything feminine 
• Lipstick
• Pearls 
• Gowns 
• Skirts
• Books 
• Masturbating to my husband's pictures 
• Eternity rings 
• Mountains
• Islands 
• Fish 
• Animals 
• Anything beautiful 
• Colors 
• Novels 
• Chocolate 
• Ice cream 
• Positive affirmations 
• Jigsaw puzzles 
• Art work. 

 

 

 

15 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Kundalini energy and sex. Yes I want to explore that further. 

 

9 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Slowly opening up. Communication. Disability etc. 

 

 

8 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

My disabilities do come to haunt me again and again. 

 

7 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Journal Entry Monday August 12.

Woke up super early and still thinking whether i should attend my dance class. Tough. I have a leg injury since a past few days. I'm not fully prepared. 

What should I do next? My husband is sleeping right now and I'm awake. I don't know what to do. 

 

 

53 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Journal Entry Monday August 12.

Im still thinking what to do. I just finished my zumba class and in the morning I did farm work. I want to use my time in the best way. I'm completely astounded by the riots in Leeds. It's unbelievable yet it was bound to happen given the massive increase in knife crime in the UK. I don't wish to divulge too much into politics and just keep my life as simple as possible without getting too messy. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Journal Entry Monday August 12

Feeling exhausted a bit. Still thinking how I should arrange my planner. I have a test in 2 months for which I need to prepare. I need to take better care of myself. I spend a lot of my time in unnecessary stuff. My spiritual stuff is still pending. My tarot cards are on the way. Things are looking better. I don't feel suicidal anymore the way I used to sometimes. My mental health is not improving rapidly and that's frustrating. But still I'm taking baby steps. I want stability and security. And a sense of self that is firm. I'm an INFJ pisces female. I have mental health issues that I need to work on. 

The only thing I shopped for  was tarot cards. They fascinate me. 

Edited August 12 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

We need good things in life to feel good. I don't know maybe I'm a bit materialistic but that's okay. Like Leo says burn your karma first. 

First i need to start with music. I want to make a morning activation playlist that gets me ready for the day. Jumpstart ready. And then some healing music. I want to add some happy vibe music too. And then some Shaktipat vibration kundalini music followed by meditation music. I want to align my energy to the highest goodwill and to the highest peace. As well a good mood. I want my aura and vibration to be healed. 

My goals 

• Work on borderline personality disorder
• Work on autism 
• Farm work 
• Shaktipat
• Kundalini energy work 
• Mental health improvement 
• INFJ personality
• Sigma characteristics
• Law of attraction 
• Manifestation 
• Bryon Katie work 
• Emotional healing
• Focus on getting my health on track 
• Prepare for my exams and tests 
• Cultivate a beautiful relationship with my husband. 
• Heal my sexual repression 
• Become a Tarot reader or pursue as a hobby 
• Tenets of Hinduism. 

 

 

 

I need people with 7 qualities in my life. 

 

People who understand me

 people who know how to trust me 

 people who show me maturity 

 people who are competent 

 people who know how to exactly handle me 

 people who are totally fair and not biased

 Healthy, honest, non judgemental, direct, confrontational and extremely loving, courageous, protective, matured, forgiving and extremely competent. 

 

I have to remember to empower myself. I don't know where the next leg of my journey is going to take me. . I have to live. I have to nurture myself. I learned some lessons. In fact I learned a lot of lessons. I feel like I am growing up really fast. This has always been the case. 

I'd love to live in this room lol. 

 

 

 

I understand that life is best played in a collaborative, non-zero-sum manner, and I will strive to enrich and empower others through careful logical considerations and my own authentic heartfelt moral compass.

 

Furthermore, I am open to exploring and understanding consciousness through meditation, kriya yoga, and psychedelics, as I believe this will help me to become a more compassionate and empathetic person.

 

If they're like a worm in your mind, you gotta surgically remove that worm.  It's just not worth the hell that it brings your life.  I like the word "emptying work" for this -- it's letting go. 

https://www.nothingcon.com/

Focus on the beautiful and the positive. When there are so many beautiful and positive things, why focus on the negative. 

And people who are negative to others, really what kind of people are they anyway - either immature, aggressive, narcissistic or just with nothing better to do. Probably jealous or just people who are never taught to be nice. Remember decent people (not necessarily good hearted, at least they possess social calibration and know how to respond, bad or good is a different ballgame) will never act like this. 

In reality however, people who act like assholes online can be helpful or genuine. Not everyone who lacks social calibration is bad hearted.. Don't be carried away and deluded by sweet words. 

First way to control impulsivity is to re-read your own post 3 times before posting. Do that. 

I have to remind myself that I have BPD and I'm autistic. 

 

I'm sick and tired of all the judgement. Why do I justify myself so much to people? 

 

Why don't I feel truly confident in myself? 

 

I think if I develop confidence then I will not need to constantly please others or justify myself. 

I need to be able to say a hard no. Like fuck it. "whatever you want, I don't care" mentality because I have zero obligation and those who wanna stay, they won't keep blaming, it's another thing if someone is genuinely upset with me and it's totally my fault. But otherwise. Why does it matter if someone thinks bad about me? 

When you have low self esteem a lot of things can get screwed up. 

There is some sort of comfort in rejection. There's empowerment in rejection 

You tend to engage in self blaming when people gaslight you. It's a potent form of cultish psychological abuse. But when you reject on your own, you're no longer seeking validation in a parasocial relationship. You deny it. You deny its usefulness. When you reject something, you no longer feel bad, low, humiliated, discarded or guilty. It's up to you to reject something that is never meant for you. Don't give so much power to others that you begin to lose your own power. 

 

One thing that I have realized is that I'm not exactly low IQ (or I might be) but I'm certainly not very wise. 

And my mental illness tends to complicate my lack of wisdom. 

Also, my autism might be a major contributing factor.

 

Dismiss what doesn't belong to you. 

Appreciate whatever comes. 

 

Edited August 12 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

One positive affirmation statement. 

 

There's peace in my heart. 

I want to be with people who value me.

 

Who will never disappoint me. Not perfect. But considerate enough to understand my needs. 

I was thinking about being mega rich and starting my own brand . I would have named it Burlase Organics. 

 

Edited August 12 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Balance is the key. 

 

 

 

 

I want to be with people who value me.

 

Who will never disappoint me. Not perfect. But considerate enough to understand my needs.

 

Yea I was chilling and watching YouTube. Beauty community lol. Too much drama. James Charles. Jeffree Star. I remember back when I followed them.. 

Unintelligible bs. 

You know sometimes karma just catches up with you. 

You know when you got all the fame, wealth and success in the world and you don't know what to spend your money on, then you graduallly turn into a miserable old hag, with all the makeup peeling off your face, the botox kinda popping up (think of Putin), the clothes getting outrageous and tacky, the language more vulgar, the eyes getting smaller, the eyebrows disappearing and getting replaced by long overdrawn pencil lines, the lips looking oddly shaped, all that plastic surgery showing your mistakes you made in your youth, and then all the silicone popping up, and you holding on to your baubles, your empire crumbling, the megalomania, you buying the latest trendy stuff to appear relevant meanwhile you been irrelevant since years now, and you don't really have peace of mind, the failure of your business driving you crazy, you drinking heavily every night and partying as a cope and then spending money on shallow stuff. 

I mean some people need their karma to realize that no amount of fame and money will ever bring true peace of mind. It's an illusion

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I mean on the flip side, I want to grow and find new avenues of growth, I want to continue to make positive changes to my life, I want to keep succeeding in my life in my own ways and find new opportunities and new ideas and creativity and experience and learning and real growth. 

 

 

God doesn't prey on your insecurities. 

 

God doesn't prey on your flaws. 

 

God doesn't judge you 

 

God understands your mistakes 

 

 

What's masculine and what's feminine? 

 

Masculine is bold, brave, leader, fearless 

 

-  holding someone accountable. Confrontational. Making someone realize what wrong they are doing. Bashing. Not punishing. Using anger productively. 

 

- ownership of one's mistakes. Taking accountability. 

 

 

- being very authentic and honest. Not afraid of being honest. Not afraid of being authentic 

 

- being abundant in providing. Not afraid 

 

- being bold on their word. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feminine

 

- being able to keep everyone happy 

 

- being able to show understanding, empathy, compassion. Analytical. 

 

 

-  being able to show hope and positivity and provide comfort during someone's crisis. 

 

 

- being vulnerable about one's weaknesses. Being able to cry. 

 

Think masculine all the time 

 

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. 

 

 

What if a thing shuts down? What would you have done then? 

Do we die if we don't have a phone? 

 

Make good of whatever you have. Rather than chasing what you don't. 

Focus on LOA, you'll get what you want one way or another. 

 

Even if you don't get something, the door is shut, another door opens. 

Even if you don't get something, it's okay. 

God is the ultimate masculine provider. Remember stage blue values. 

 

We think that that things are essential. But shouldn't God give us the things that are truly essential to us? 

A narcissist will always market himself as a true trophy. It's like a girl who is trying to play hard to get. The feeling that people are chasing the narcissist is particularly important to him. Yet what he is offering is hardly of any great value and it's perceived value dissipates in the drama and mayhem that he generates to give the image of the perceived value. The narcissist likes to believe that they are offering something of great value because that's how they legitimize themselves. They come from deep insecurity. 

 

I don't know why I'm loving Marilyn Monroe so much. She has become my new inspiration. 

Regarding communication. 

 

I also don't want to talk to people who don't want to keep any goodwill with me. 

 

It's not necessary that someone needs to be my friend. 

 

But I'm always stuck in situations where I'm trying to resolve (all it needs is some talk),but the other person isn't interested in resolving things. 

Then fine. Go your way. I don't need to talk either. 

 

Once I know that I'm apologizing to someone (mostly because they started some mess), I realize that I can never have long term peace with such people. Then it's done. 

What are the 5 big things that I want in life 

 

Peace of mind 

Healing 

Love 

Freedom 

Stability and Security 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Took a character test. 

https://www.viacharacter.org/

And these are the results of my test - 

MY SIGNATURE STRENGTHS 

1 Love (HUMANITY) Valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing & caring are reciprocated; being close to people.

2 Creativity (WISDOM) Thinking of novel and productive ways to conceptualize and do things; includes artistic achievement but is not limited to it.

3 Fairness ( JUSTICE) Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice; not letting feelings bias decisions about others; giving everyone a fair chance.

4 Curiosity (WISDOM) Taking an interest in ongoing experience for its own sake; finding subjects and topics fascinating; exploring and discovering.

5 Appreciation of Beauty & Excellence (TRANSCENDENCE) Noticing and appreciating beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in various domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.

 

 

 

 

 

Her personality is so much like me. Her name is Shea Whitney. 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Some of my art work 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Some of my art work. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Some of my art work. 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I finally find a person who talks and expresses their phrases just like I do. 

Her name is Shea Whitney. I don't know what she does or who she is but I completely feel myself when I look at her gifs. It's like I found my twin. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Confused between God and Satan. 

 

God is a feminine caring entity in my mind. 

 

Satan is a masculine dominating punishing entity in my mind. 

 

I want to do two standard practices - God's prayer for good intent and outcome. For grace and blessings. For beauty. For health. For growth. For compassion. For mercy. For love and company and support. For healing. For comfort and strength. For the ability to take the higher road. For virtues. For curing and healing. For doing the right thing. For expansion of compassion and empathy. For understanding. For peace. For sharing. For showing compassion. For celebrating. For 

Satan meditation - this is for release from moral judgement, this is for unburdening, confession, humility and for prevention from wrong things. Cleaning out demons. Cleaning house. Releasing blocks and psychic attacks. Generational curses. For fighting and blocking demons. For honesty. For forgiveness, compassion and mercy, repentance and confession and redemption innocence and clearing out conscience. For purgatory, punishment, hell. For liberation. For masculine protection. For saving. For belongingness and for loyalty, trust,faith. For obedience and harmony. For humility and destruction of pride and ego and other evils. For vices. For preventing further harm. For preventing abuse and disciplining. For getting straight and not loitering. For preventing traps and misery. 

 

It was quite a hot day. I was sweating like crazy. The temperatures climbed 90 degrees. I slept like a log through noon. I just couldn't get anything done. I was too tired and grumpy. Heatwaves are spreading throughout my city and some deaths were reported. My house is on the 6th floor. And it's directly exposed to the hot sun during noons. I could barely breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

OK trying to collect pieces together once again. 

- I have to do a recap and restoration of my old journals. 

- focus on food girl. Go cook. 

- hunting for new perfumes. Still looking. Precious goodies.

- will mute Snapchat after I reach a 1000 snapscore. I need a barely there social standing lol. 

- need to remind myself to take meds. New med schedule this week. 

- start some Facebook group and start some blog work girl

- I'll be hunting for new job after 6 ¬months. Till then break and work on mental health. Therapy etc. 

- I have found a new friend. Great.. 

- continue writing End of Days 

- write schedules strictly. 

- what about the ice packs and use the private journal as well.  Wink. 

- look into IFS therapy 

- look into DBT therapy for borderline 

- look for some productivity apps

- book stuff after 10 days. 

- get your favorite perfumes girl. 

- my sister won a promotion. So I'm glad. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

The rose in my sister's garden. Cute. 

[Buck Edwards]

Hmm. 

Spirituality is a part of something. 

Growth lines.

- food, success, relationships. Health 

-  spirituality, expansion of consciousness, enlightenment. Awakening.

- love, peace, healing, growth, goodness, progress. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

This is a novel facet of consciousness that I have recently revealed to myself. Reality/consciousness is Absolutely Good, but simultaneously better than Absolute Good

 

 

These two aspects are equivalent and interchangeable but not reducable to either one, which is what generates an infinite loop of form getting better than void

The void is generic and the form concrete, and the concrete forms are all equally absolutely good, but some forms can be better than other forms.

Infinity plus one is not infinity but more than infinity, thus some forms are better than absolutely good, and this feedback loop is accelerating in time. It does not reduce back into infinity or Absolute Infinity but adds more to it.

Differentiation is as good as absolutely good, but it can be better than undifferentiation

So after reality being love and absolutely good, it is also lovemaking and euphoric

All void is euphoric, but some forms are more euphoric than other ones

Void is making love with form, this is the most beautiful thing that exists, and even more beautiful than that because of the self-definition to be better than better

Because of this suffering does not exist, pain is not real, and there is infinite bliss for forever. 

My definite plan for this month 

 

- embodiment 

- growing my intellectual capacity 

- writing my love stories 

- learning about the darker sides of the human psyche 

- going on a whirlwind trip of knowledge and understanding everything I can get my hands on. 

- working on my health 

- staying happy mostly 

- making sense of my past 

- being hyper active 

- giving a different direction to my life 

- being extremely productive

- gaining a lot of wisdom and self awareness 

- working on being my best self 

- making a solid plan 

- knowing what kind of person is suited for me 

- working on my borderline disorder 

- burning karma. 

- keeping myself generally happy 

-wiping the slate clean 

- keeping myself trouble free

- im contacting a spiritual guru this week

- knowing the meaning of love. 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

An imaginary girl who was sweet and kind to me. She filled some void inside me. 

The feelings were abstract. They weren't concrete. I felt like I was looking for something I could never find. The valley girl was a girl with a pure heart. 

Either create or accept. 

Every minute we create reality. Dive deeper. What is it that you can repair? 

Sometimes nothing. 

In a minute, everything is silence. Everything is beautiful. 

Humanity is karma. Karma is the energy of creation. 

I'm shifting between states of consciousness. 

Humanity is really karma. The purpose of life is to find a home for your heart. Your heart is not happy. It's not fulfilled. All the problems are bothering you. Whatever happens it's not your prerogative to fix things. It's not your job. Bad things will happen. That's fine. The universe will take care of it. There is no need to worry about it. There is no right or wrong about it. Your frame is only human. Not non material. 

Life is deeply unfair and there should be acceptance of this reality. Inability to accept this creates storm and tension. 

What is the valley girl saying to me - take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. This world will snatch your soul. Your soul family is with you. 

 

I had a dream almost like a nightmare. In this dream I was scared of genuinely expressing my emotions. 

I said to myself - 

I didn't turn to drug addiction 

I didn't turn to drug addiction. 

 

I also realized for the first time that the deepest root cause of my upset and anger was NEGLECT 

I FELT NEGLECTED. 

This was the root cause of my abnormal and chaotic behavior and feeling mostly depressed and having that strange void that I often talk about. 

The coldness, the indifference, the neglect. 

Was the source of my pain and anguish. 

 

I feel like this was a supernatural clue to my problems. 

 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards