Kundalini naga panchami

[Buck Edwards]

12 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I really does sound a bit odd on first glance hun.

But after having read all of your posts on the topic and having given it some thought. 

It makes total sense. These dreams / nightmares and the dynamic they play out are your mind resolving stuff. In a really creative and unfortunately exhausting way. fornightmares are different. They often involve me being hunted / chased by people in uiforms, different ones almost every time actually. Like being a resistance fighter within an authoritarian / totalitarian government.

 

Sometimes they just randomly end in the middle while trying to escape. Sometimes they end when I’m captured. Sometimes they end in my getting killed, usually via gun.

 

 

 

Yea they are trauma based. My dear husband, when you're with me, I have nothing to fear. Thank you so much. 

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Marcel]

14 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

Yea they are trauma based. My dear husband, when you're with me, I have nothing to fear. Thank you so much. 

 

Always and Forever ❤️

I love you so much hun 

[Buck Edwards]

I want to dig into that masculine energy to feel hopeful in life. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I read somewhere that some women (not all women) are attracted to bad boys. They mistake  narcissism for confidence. In my own experience, I'm generally attracted to a guy who is going to look like he will own me, possess me, someone who is authoritarian, strict, dominant, controlling yet caring,disciplining, leader like, powerful, tribalistic, truth and honesty oriented, punishing kind, rough, macho, sadistic, ruthless, badass, go getter etc. 

I'm not attracted to the gentleman kind of men. In fact I am more attracted to the "negging" type of men who use the push pull technique on women. 

It seems I tend to derive some sort of energy or fuel from these men. I find them motivating or "strong." 

That becomes the basis of my romantic attraction. 

I'm curious to find out why this happens. What part of my feminine is attracted to such bad boys kind of men and why does this romantic phenomenon happen? What factors are within this attraction pattern or precisely what polarity components are attracted to each other in such a dynamic?

 

In my early days as an 18 year old, I wasn't very aware of my sexuality. I behaved like a catholic nun. I didn't talk about sex at all. And this continued into my adulthood. 

Now that I keep trying to discover my own sexuality I realize that women aren't figment of imagination. 

Women aren't just a love letter. 

It makes perfect sense because a woman has to give birth, have a child, her hormones have to rise to a level to push the child out of her vagina. All of this will require massive force and motion inside her. How will this be possible by simple talk?

 

It means women are very physical and intense. They cannot be otherwise. Of course women are emotional too. But emotions is just her secondary nature. Her primary nature is physical. 

I was wrong or immature about female sexuality. 

So fake orgasms cannot cut it for a woman. She will remain fundamentally dissatisfied. It will not do her good. 

She has to experience a real orgasm and this can be done through a virtual medium too (happened to me where I got intense orgasms as the guy talked to me on the phone so it's not like it's not possible), but whether it's real life or virtual online, she has to experience real orgasms and she is deprived of her own sexuality in a way. This dissatisfaction means she will stop liking or wanting the guy at some point. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Some theories explain my interest in ruthlessness in men. 

My first theory - 

something like the guy pushes into me and then pulls out. It's like if he is in there then it won't stimulate me sexually at all. But it's the feeling that he is pushing in and pulling out that creates a sort of escalating tension within me that finally leads to me orgasming. This is a sexual tension that builds up. I think in similar fashion if you corelate the phenomenon of sexual tension to emotional tension, shouldn't the guy have to do the exact same thing to mimic sex or attraction in her mind? So fundamentally if you observe the nature of sex, it involves the push pull thing, then obviously the push pull also needs to operate emotionally as well to stimulate her mind in a similar manner. It means he has to generate emotional tension where he is nice one minute and an asshole the next minute, he has to stimulate the woman emotionally like that. Because that will mimic sex in a way. If that makes sense. 

Second theory - 

The Bodyguard archetype. I think women who are like me are looking for the Bodyguard archetype. The protector, the security guard. 

So a security guard cannot be someone who looks like a delicate handsome prince who can never use a sword. The security guard has to look ruthless, intimidating, cruel and tyrannical. Because that will communicate power, security, protection to her. So it makes sense that she will be attracted to a bad boy because in her mind the bad boy will protect her from any harm. 

 

My third theory - 

The dark triad and the light triad. I have observed around me that women who are more masculine, braver, leadership oriented are attracted to a passive nice kind of a guy. And women who are a bit submissive like me are attracted to a dominant male. It's like it doesn't matter what gender. I have seen this polarity play out a lot. In this polarity, the people of the light triad are automatically attracted to the people of the dark triad and vice versa. Because opposites tend to create conflicts, tension and shadows that help them become whole or reconcile. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I have understood that this is something I should accept and own. Rather than feel defeated or judged. The social conditioning of women can create moral conflict. And that's what I have been dealing with for some time. Women are told to act a certain way that fits the social standards of acceptable. But they aren't asked about this. They aren't asked if this is also what they want. As a result it creates conflict between what she wants versus what she is told she should want. It's like be a good girl and learn to suppress your emotions. But this is the cause of unhappiness. There's derived instinct. Which is understandable, it comes from experiencing something. Yet there is that natural instinct that existed from caveman times. The thing that cannot be tamed out of yourself or it remains as a repressed vestigial component inside you still being triggered every time. It's almost like you should be eating healthy but your brain is attracted to chocolates and candies. This is the untamed inner child.. 

[Buck Edwards]

Of course I don't want my husband to do that. Or do I? 

 

[Buck Edwards]

All morality is bullshit in a way. Especially when it comes to suppressing emotions. 

 

Genuine emotion and instinct cannot be immoral. 

I'm thinking if I didn't have daddy issues, would I still be attracted to such dudes? And my heart says yes. It's the battle between the brain and the heart. The brain is designed to accept what society tells us. But heart says something else. 

Also a large number of women in the video linked said that they love bad boys. It can't be statistically possible that all those girls have daddy issues too?

I mean it's not girls with daddy issues have daddy tattooed on their forehead or smell a certain way, right? Like the interviewers didn't just coincidentally end up meeting all girls with daddy issues lol. 

So no. When a certain subset of women (which is quite large) keep saying that they like bad boys, then this is a larger phenomenon not addressed properly, because it goes against traditional conventional society norms so most women are just suppressed from saying what they want. They simply have to go by social rules. But then they fall for these kind of men and sometimes outgrow it. But deep down it's a suppressed instinct thing. 

And a woman who keeps questioning her sexuality and keeps removing layers and layers of deposited social conditioning perhaps reaches a point where she realizes that she is undeniably attracted to the bad boy and she shouldn't be ashamed of it. But society guilts her saying it's a daddy issue. I'm like no girl, like what you like and own it. 

Hey girl, accept who you are. Self acceptance is the key. Don't live in guilt and shame. 

 

If you like something, don't be afraid of wanting it. 

If you want that Daddy kind of a guy, tell your husband about it. 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

The only way to fix my life is to reconcile the idea of true love and trauma love. 

I have had both in my life. One from my father. One from my exes. 

I did not know how to make sense of any. 

Love that I received and lost. 

Love that never existed. 

Love that existed in abusive ways. 

 

In my latest dream my rapist was trying to kill me. He was stealing me from myself. He was telling me that it's best if I die. 

 

I think what I gained from my rape dream is that even though I was surrendering to my rapist, it was still in the hopes of wanting something. 

My surrender to the rapist was like a collateral given to him in exchange for him promising me that he would take care of someone I thought needed help. He agreed. 

Even in surrender, there is hope and peace and the expectation that such surrender would be of some benefit survival and emotion wise. 

You have lived in helplessness for so long that helplessness has become your state. 

Joy, hope, surrender, empowerment, peace, love are the elements I should be looking for. 

Weakness, helplessness and vulnerability is the real brain rot. 

 

 

I think the reason the rapist was telling me to die is because in my weakness I accepted death as the liberator. 

Like the say-put you out of your misery. 

Even in the most hopeless circumstances you're looking for freedom from suffering. 

 

I think ultimately even while surrendering to the rapist, you're still looking for protecting and security. It's just that this protection and security is shown to you in the most tyrannical controlling way. 

But the surrender is the collateral for this protection and security in exchange.. 

This is almost like  light tr deal with the dself to the Devilnder yourself to the Devil in the hopes that the Devil will protect you from harm or danger. It's a transactional form of trauma love. 

A very indirect form of trust exists in this deal. 

So there are aspects of trust, security and protection and they are given in exchange of control and domination and ownership

 

Rohaniah in Malay means spiritual.. 

Rohaniyat means something related to spiritual. 

Just like there is a dark triad and a light triad.. 

There is a Light Rohaniyat and a Dark Rohaniyat. 

This Dark Rohaniyat will include aspects like domination, honesty, surrender, skepticism, punishment, discipline, tough love, criticism, empowerment, leadership. Shadow aspects. 

The light Rohaniyat will be of goodness, grace, peace, love, comfort, sweetness, emotion. 

 

 

The dark Rohaniyat has a ownership surrender dynamic. 

 

 

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Aspects of Dark Rohaniyat

ownership surrender

domination 

punishment 

honesty 

tough love 

 

Guarding. Guidance. Trust. Protection. Security. 

Possession of the Spirit 

Aspects of Light Rohaniyat

 

 supportive 

 empathetic 

 rewarding 

 sweetness 

liberating

harmony

understanding

compatriot

mercy 

compassion

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Joy, growth, strength, peace and love. 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Aspects of Dark Rohaniyat

 

ownership -guarding- surrender 

 

  Aspects of Light Rohaniyat 

 kindess-creation-reciprocation

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Light Rohaniyat and Dark Rohaniyat are aspects of Duality of Iife and the Afterlife. 

 

However there is a neutral aspect to it. The non dual liberating aspect. Where everything is nothing. Neutral Rohaniyat. 

 

Anything that does not constitute survival and has no relevance to the Light Triad and the Dark Triad belong to the Neutral Rohaniyat. 

 

So what is Neutral Rohaniyat?

Its basically escape from Samsara. 

 

 

Samsara = The cycle of the Light Triad and the Dark Triad. The Cycle of Human Karma and Divinity. 

 

Escape from samsara provides temporary relief from having to deal with Karmic Aspects. However since you're born into human form, you can only have temporary relief from the Samsara or Karmic Aspects. You can't find permanent relief. 

 

 

Life and the continuation of Life is composed of the following aspects. 

 

 structure of morality and primal instinct. Static component. 

 

 balance of two forces. Masculine and feminine integration. 

 

 light Rohaniyat and dark Rohaniyat. 

 

 light triad and dark triad 

 

 

obligation

 

 karma 

 

 growth 

 

 harmony and wholeness. Fulfillment. 

 

wisdom 

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I had another rape dream yesterday. 

 

In the dream, a man offered me a drink and he put the date rape drug in it. I drank it without knowing and then I felt dizzy.. 

He took me upstairs to a bedroom but he laid me out on the bed. He did nothing. He just brushed my hair. And told me that I'll be fine. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

9 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

I had another rape dream yesterday. 

In the dream, a man offered me a drink and he put the date rape drug in it. I drank it without knowing and then I felt dizzy.. 

He took me upstairs to a bedroomfelt both nice and bad. I felt uncomfortable that he had slipped the rape drug in my drink. 

At the same time, I felt nice that he laid me out on the bed. I felt extremely peaceful. 

It's like I desire to be wanted, to be cherished, to be snatched, to be caressed, to be comforted. but he laid me out on the bed. He did nothing. He just brushed my hair. And told me that I'll be fine. 

 

I felt both nice and bad. I felt uncomfortable that he had slipped the rape drug in my drink. 

At the same time, I felt nice that he laid me out on the bed. I felt extremely peaceful. 

It's like I desire to be wanted, to be cherished, to be snatched, to be caressed, to be comforted.

 

It seems the feeling of being guarded, comforted and put to sleep makes me feel really happy and "at home."

 

 

 feeling comforted 

 feeling guarded 

 feeling Secure 

 

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

16 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

I had another rape dream yesterday. 

In the dream, a man offered me a drink and he put the date rape drug in it. I drank it without knowing and then I felt dizzy.. 

He took me upstairs to a bedroomfelt both nice and bad. I felt uncomfortable that he had slipped the rape drug in my drink. 

At the same time, I felt nice that he laid me out on the bed. I felt extremely peaceful. 

It's like I desire to be wanted, to be cherished, to be snatched, to be caressed, to be comforted. but he laid me out on the bed. He did nothing. He just brushed my hair. And told me that I'll be fine. 

 

I felt both nice and bad. I felt uncomfortable that he had slipped the rape drug in my drink. 

At the same time, I felt nice that he laid me out on the bed. I felt extremely peaceful. 

It's like I desire to be wanted, to be cherished, to be snatched, to be caressed, to be comforted.

 

[Buck Edwards]

It seems the feeling of being guarded, comforted and put to sleep makes me feel really happy and "at home."

 

I can imagine in my dreams and visions that I'm being comforted. I'm tired. Yet rejuvenated. I'm being told that here and the now are in the context of the future. 

Since I'm the inner child, I will call myself Baby. 

Baby, put yourself to rest. You worked so hard. You need bliss. You lack basic happiness and the world will not be enough to fill that hole. 

 

 

I tried to navigate the world in whatever way I could. To get a grasp of what the world looks like. The world of concepts and theories of life and living, of love. 

I tried the best to align my life to the universe. 

These days I'm interested in learning Romanian. Interesting language. 

 

Not just expression and expansion and curiosity. 

Consumption as well. 

Sometimes ask questions like a child because it opens the brain for further contemplation. 

But sometimes it's good to be silent in a corner and consuming the world of knowledge and being still and just learning and growing in other ways... 

Sharpen your debate skills lol. 

TRUTH, WISDOM, PEACE, LOVE, COMPASSION, MERCY, HUMANITY ARE THE TRUE RELIGION. 

 

 

I feel like a mythical figure was in love with me. 

Like this one. Xiuhtecuhtli | Aztec God, Fire, Sun | Aztecs

 

 

If you're going to deal with the devil, the devil is gonna screw you. So just don't deal with the devil. But for that, first you need to recognize who the Devil is. 

When you have a devil as your master, you simply obey till you find greener pastures 

 

 

In his own words - "one of the rules I had in my marriage, and it was a rule that my wife also was pleased to follow was that if we have a problem we're gonna deal with it right now and we're going to deal with it right to the bottom and that's very unpleasant but if you do it, sometimes you only  have to do it  once and the problem goes away, and then you don't have that bloody problem everyday for the rest of your life, and sometimes it takes you know 20 times before it's fixed, before you got to the bottom of things. And that can be very unpleasant. "

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

The biggest question is -

What did you do to work on yourself? 

What did I do to work on myself? 

And every day is an opportunity to work on myself. To be a better person. To drag myself out of my problems. To motivate myself to get what I want. To free myself of distractions. To find love. 

Your heart is the center of the universe. Your heart is the center of your life. 

Your heart is your vision.. Your heart is love in its purest form 

Love your own heart. 

Love my own heart. 

The biggest part of Masculinity and Masculine Integration is that it has courage, authority, holding you accountable along with ownership and discipline and boldness, openness, transparency, and extreme maturity. 

I think masculinity will be deeply lacking without maturity

Maybe sit in a garden and think about anything you want to think about. 

I can imagine the masculine to be someone who -
-carves his own path
-doesn't deal with bullshit
-looks to contribute in a meaningful way
- is goal driven
-cuts out toxicity
-is extremely matured
-can handle almost anything with ease.

 

How can I cultivate love? This is the most important part of emotional mastery. 

 

 

What if things didn't work my way? 

 

What if there's unfairness in this world? 

 

What if I died and there was never justice? 

 

What if I'm the wrong doer? 

 

What if I guilt myself for nothing?

 

What if I call myself a criminal? 

 

What if I attack my own self? 

 

Will anything matter? Will anything change? 

 

What if I died before my time? 

 

What do I want my legacy to be? 

 

What if I was not given even the last bit of mercy while dying?

 

What if I lived the life of a sick peme expectationsonsonsnihilistic attitme expectationsower me expectations in general? 

 

Do we understand the meaning of life only when we realize death is staring in our face? 

 

What are the different principles? 

 

Values of Love 

Values of Structure, Primal Instinct and Logic 

Values  of Survival and Life

Values  of Morality 

 

 

focus on the good that you can do. 

everything is not as you see it. 

everything is good as it is. 

In my fantasy world, evil still carries a positive value. Evil is still good. It's romanticized. Good is too good. Good is too saintly. 

In reality good is too tired of fighting the battles of being honest and truthful. Of showing compassion. Of showing politeness. Of being sincere. Of being on the right side. Of fighting wrong. Of being principled and integrous. So it doesn't fly in the air like a warrior princess, it doesn't crush evil like in the movies, it doesn't sit 10 hours comforting you. Ever heard of compassion fatigue? 

In reality evil is not romantic. It doesn't have anything good to it. In reality evil is much worse than fiction. It is cold, manipulative and doesn't care. 

These platitudes of good and evil and the romanticizing of both can only happen in fantasy. 

However fantasy is so beautiful, the mind doesn't wanna agree with anything different from it. 

Live in reality. Fall in love with the reality of life. With the transmutation of life. Fantasy gives you the kick just like porn.

Fantasies are like songs. You like to listen to them. But in reality there is no song. 

You were only listening to someone's creation. 

The fault of the media, art, theater entertainment is that it feeds the brain with these ideas of illusory grandeur. Even evil begins to look beautiful like fantasy villains. 

 

In real life, you'll need an extremely and extraordinarily high moral integrity to sound evil but be actually and fundamentally good.. It simply doesn't mesh with life. 

 

 

I imagine my husband holding my hand and whisking me off into another world. 

 

 

Kill all your problems. 

Kill all your problems. 

 

When someone responds with hate, respond with an anthem. 

When someone responds with a garbage bag, respond with ice cream. Be like Coco Chanel. Always classy. The wicked witch will never get ya.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Schizophonia]

14 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Me. 

You are trans now ?

[Buck Edwards]

9 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

You are trans now ?

I'm a girl. I adopted a male identity in the beginning while creating this account to escape the male attention that I was scared of. Got it now.