Kundalini naga panchami

[Buck Edwards]

 

I think the purpose of life is experienced at different levels. 

These levels can be called aspects.. 

Material aspect. Well being in a material sense. 

Bonding aspect. Family aspect. 

Spiritual aspect 

Supernatural aspect 

Humanitarian aspect

Christianity aspect, religious aspect 

Character aspect. 

 

I think it's like a pyramid, like Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

Purpose of life is experienced in every minute and every minute is an opportunity to execute this life purpose. I think our entire life journeys are about this life purpose. 

So you keep graduating at every level. And you keep building and refining at every level. The universe is always trying to align you to a purpose. And we are always getting distracted from this purpose by the world and our own life circumstances and problems. 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

There are other feelings that accompanied the feeling of NEGLECT. 

 

feelings like - 

 

FEAR

ABANDONMENT 

HOPELESSNESS

FAILURE

DESPERATION 

SELF PITY

SADNESS

NO HAPPINESS 

NO STABILITY 

NO IDEA OF THE FUTURE 

NO SECURITY 

NO GROUNDEDNESS 

FEELING LIKE IM FLOATING LIKE A VAGABOND 

NO HOME 

FEELING LIKE AN ORPHAN

FEELING RAPED LIKE SOMETHING TAKEN FROM ME

FEELING UNLOVED 

NOT FEELING STRONG 

CHAOS

 

I think these feelings also existed in me due to losing my father at a young age. The feeling of lack of security and helplessness came from there. Knowing that there's not much left without a dad. A dad is generally a security figure. Losing that security. 

I saw a young ginger guy who was raping me in my dreams. He was a sociopath. 

And I still trusted him believing that he might love me. Despite his obvious coldness. 

Did I associate rape and torture with the feeling of security. 

I'm suffering from a problem since over a year now. I constantly get dreams where I have been or being raped. I don't understand why this happens. If anyone has any clue. My reactions to me being raped are two fold - one is where I feel helpless, desperate and pity my self. And it's like some kind of a reliving my helplessness. Like a negative reaction to it. And the second reaction is where I am feeling secure in the arms of the rapist. I know it sounds very absurd. I have spoken to my psychiatrist about this but they simply tried to gloss over it. The security feeling is like this - I feel the rapist would give me food, shelter, clothing, water in return for getting his way with me. I don't understand this feeling. But I don't feel like retaliating him. I don't feel like punishing him. Or escaping him. 

In my mind the feelings - "I deserve to be raped because nobody wanted me. This is rightfully what should happen to children like me who were abandoned." And then I feel like as long as I serve the needs of the rapist, I don't have to worry about my survival. 

 

What's the root cause of such feelings that make me feel stuck in some type of victimhood story? 

 

I wasn't sexually abused as a child.

 

The worst part of this is that I associate rape with security. Why is this absurd corelation in my head when I should literally be thinking the opposite?

Rape should have created the sense of panic and fear and or "fight mode" in me but it does the opposite. 

It's not soothing yet it feels like the rapist wants me, thus ensuring my survival. 

What complex feelings and beliefs or root emotions are breeding these weird mental patterns?

 

My own interpretation of my rape dreams - 

I think there's a strong component of power association/dissociation going on. It seems like if someone was severely bullied in childhood (which I was), there was a nexus of power established between me and the bully like a bully contract. According to the terms of this contract, my own submission to the bully was equated with my survival. Survival was only possible by pleasing the bully. Satisfaction was reached when the bully was happy. They didn't give me any trouble. This became the survival dynamic in the early years of childhood. 

This established a power-surrender system and feedback loop. Whenever such surrender to the power was achieved, it meant ceasefire and thus relief. This relief meant a "peaceful survival." In Hinduism intercourse is defined as "sanbhog" or "mutual eating."  I think by offering myself as a food to the rapist, it's like seeking the permission of the Devil. Or offering oneself as food to the Devil till they are satisfied. 

 

There are self-sacrificial elements involved. 

The bully power nexus aspects get reiterated in adulthood in the sexual context, where the same dynamic as childhood has to be played out. 

This also involves aspects of surrender, submission to the power of something. Slavish aspects! 

Interpretation 2.

 

Sadism, power, control, submission. 

The rapist is seen as a bully. A controller. Sadist. Exploitative.

 

Interpretation 3.

Rape also involves intense aggression. 

It means some sort of intense aggression has been involved in childhood. Elements of aggression and control. 

Interpretation 4

Validation and comfort seeking

Why do I seek the validation of the rapist in my dreams? 

Because in childhood I was supposed to be seeking the validation of an authority figure in a disdainful less respectful ways. 

The rapist is seen as someone very powerful. 

The need to seek the validation of someone so powerful is a source of relief. 

The mind that has been subjected to control seeks excitement in a power differential that is bigger than that found during childhood. 

 

Interpretation 5

Being validated by the rapist. This is temporary and sets up a very addictive dynamic. This is mental addiction. Just like an addict is looking for a high and then feels stimulated to the high of porn or sugar, initially there is dopamine release. The brain is in the stimulated state. Then it calms down and the stimulation hormones are low. Addiction means the arousal for stimulation happens frequently. Once it has died down, this need remains temporarily satiated until the beast arises again like hunger. Like the addiction to sugar. Once the deprivation is reached, the body once again looks for a high and another "shot." To feel better or excited. Once again the mental addiction to look for the validation of the rapist. The rapist's validation becomes a drug. In order to be validated by him, there has to be submitting to his predation once again. It doesn't feel good if he is unhappy. His satisfaction and validation is the high. 

There's a particular slave mentality involved here. "please the master" mentality. 

I found that this particular aspect was very powerful in my rape dreams. The master slave equation. It was really important to please the master to an addictive degree. It just didn't feel right if this wasn't reached. Like withdrawal symptoms. This addiction to punishment. Everytime I did not feel punished by the rapist, I felt intense frustration and upset, tiredness and feelings of guilt, emptiness or something lacking or insecurity. 

Did not want to be invalidated by the rapist.

Yea these feelings mimicked withdrawal symptoms. These felt like apathy, listless, dull, bored, lack of motivation, even depressed. Feeling like I'm useless to the rapist. What if he doesn't want me anymore? What if he doesn't crave me anymore? Fear of invalidation and abandonment. What if he abandoned me? I would feel terrible. 

Whatever self worth I felt, it came from serving myself to him. Being his "food." 

He gave me that validation by making me feel wanted even though through coerced means. 

It's someone powerful not validating me anymore. He is not satisfied or I didn't do a good job at pleasing him. 

 

Interpretation 6

I think my frustration is arising from not being able to integrate this aspect in my life. This rape fantasy aspect. This is a loveless form of sex where the rapist has never shown me tender love or care but used me sexually and made me feel used, humiliated or attacked.

This "attacked" aspect of my life. 

It's difficult to find peace with this aspect. 

I think I should not let it be buried in my subconscious and never address it. Rather integrate it into my life and forgive the rapist for what he does to me in my dreams. 

Interpretation 7

The aspects of being raped are also associated with the Gaza war or any kind of war. That's why I relate so much to the war. The death of innocence. Knowing that your enemy lives with you. 

 

I think in this rape ideology, I'm imagining that I should forgive my enemy for their unfairness to me. For my own powerlessness. 

 

The resistence to rape will only make it worse. Surrender to it. 

Although it's not an enjoyable experience, it also feels deeply unfair that I'm not being loved. 

Yet. This lovelessness is my shadow. 

 

I expect the rapist to love me. But I have become addicted to his hate. 

 

In his hate I should find love.. 

So I think other fundamental aspect of my rape dreams is that it shows a shadow of love and hate intermingly. 

I'm associating the rape with me being hated. And I should open my heart to this hate in a Jesus Christ kind of manner. 

My rape and rapist is my shadow aspect. Even in this shadow aspect I'm looking for love and not able to make sense of the animosity I have been shown. 

What is the rapist saying to me - "I'll destroy you. I'll make you my sex slave. I'll own you. I will torture you." 

He is establishing a chemistry with me but a sado masochistic one. A controlled one. 

His power and viciousness is what I'm attracted to because there in lies my security for life at least in a fictional way. 

Interpretation 8

 

I'll call this the wild boar aspect of my life. A shadow aspect. This wild boar is a predator.. 

This wild boar is a bully. He is a perpetrator. He is oppression. Slavery. 

It could be that my ancestry involved slavery and these aspects of slavery were lodged into my subconscious and they continued through samsara or birth cycle. 

And they haunt me now in my dreams. 

 

 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I'll add this to my morning playlist. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Interpretation 9

 

Forgiving the rapist and tolerating the rape. 

Since I felt powerless and suffered Stockholm Syndrome, and survived and lived with the rapist in my dreams, I was left with a split personality. Psychologically speaking. 

On one hand, part of my personality was seeking tender love. I was extremely compassionate towards anyone who suffered. 

And I break down in tears when someone shows compassion to me. 

The other part of my split persona was to constantly imagine this act of victimhood and suffering where these images of my suffering at the hands of the rapist constantly arise taunting me, intrusive thoughts, the rapist is always in the background like an enemy sitting there watching me, telling me that I'm weak and helpless. That he hates me. That I need to suck up to him. That I'm his slave. Etc. 

Forgiving the rapist. 

 

On one side my subconscious is looking for tender love. The other half is reiterating that something is there that's holding me back. Can this be called subconscious sabotage? I don't know. But it's something. It does feel like sabotaging my spirit. It does feel like some Devil inside/outside of me who makes fun of me. 

How to forgive a rapist? 

 

Maybe by sympathizing with him. This is the ultimate. It's tough to do this. How can you forgive those who have done wrong to you? But there's no point in holding anger either. There is nothing to gain. Just let go. 

 

Consider the rapist to be a human being with needs. He has sadistic tendencies. His relief lies in torturing someone. He satisfies his bloodlust by rape, torture and sadistic activities. But nature has allowed this. This is a part of our animalistic tendencies. Nature does not say no to murder. Predator prey murder happens in nature all the time. The mightier wins. Reptilian aspects. Even in nature, the mightier is allowed to fuck the female. It sounds barbaric yet this uncivil part exists in nature just like the wild boar, the hyena, the vulture, all those. The animals are sitting duck to this torture. 

 

Forgiving the rapist 

Integrate the rapist. The rapist is animalistic. 

Yet the rapist exists of his own volition. 

He is never removed. He is not welcome either. 

Those animals live there. Those animals eat other animals. 

This feeling of being a prey. 

These aspects will always play out in life just like the aspects of hope, empathy, tender love. 

 

Where do we see these aspects? 

We see these aspects in War. Insane Wars. Children dying. Women being raped. War Crimes 

 

Then we can't make sense of senseless torture. 

Yet in that senseless torture we have to still find hope. Raging against the enemy does deliver temporary satisfaction. 

But it doesn't free us from War. 

We think war will never happen. But War is still happening. 

Wars will continue to happen. Also if it's not human war, then it's natural disaster that mimics a War like situation. The same pestilence. The same suffering. 

I feel like I am living in a dystopian fantasy. Stage Red survival.

I will call my Rape Dreams - Dystopian Survival. 

Live or Die. Can't complain. 

 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

First step- to forgive the rapist 

 

Second step - to understand the rapist and his sadistic tendency 

Third step - to realize that such aspects exist in life. There is survival as well as death. There is no point in wanting everything to be perfect. The problem lies in expectations. Expectations that we will live in a happy world. This creates dissonance. It creates resistance. Good versus evil. 

Fourth step - that evil is a part of life and is here to stay. We can't pray it away. This is life. This is Dystopia. 

Fifth step - to liberate oneself from the notion of safety. To be one with un-safety. It's Wild West everywhere. Safety is Utopia. We were never guaranteed safety by any Sugar Daddy or Sky Daddy. 

Sixth step - That evil is as much a part of human design as Good is. That's why it doesn't go away. If it dies in one form it emerges in another. This is the Drama of Life. 

Last step - to find love within the elements of love. But let evil persist. Don't fight it. It wants to survive along with you. It won't completely destroy you as long as you aren't fighting for it's demolition. What destroys us in the end is calamity and not evil. The strange hatred against evil is because of extreme paranoia and it's not the solution to a peaceful existence because THERE IS NO peaceful existence.

 

Those who love you will always love you unconditionally. They might not destroy evil but they love you. That is God-love. Devilry will stay. But the beauty of love will survive too. 

Maybe the rape dreams are a realization that I should simply accept reality. 

 

It's also a part of the reptilian brain. I can also call it tribalism. I might even think or assume that the Aztec lifestyle was close to reptilian behavior. 

This opens up new doors into my psyche. 

Also I shouldn't give up Christianity altogether. 

Christianity is the innocent aspect of the valley Girl. 

 

Also these could be manifestations of Stockholm Syndrome. It's a disease and it will have symptoms. 

I think rape dreams are a part of this symptoms range. 

I think it's like allergy or Inflammation. It keeps flaring up. 

Every time the stockholm syndrome flares up, there are possibilities of rape dreams and these subconscious symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome playing out. 

 

 

I also know that this is a Stockholm Syndrome thing. But I look at it this way. 

I don't look at it as something I need to get rid of. 

I look at it this way - 

Let's say this rape dream like a bad memory problem. 

It's like I'm having bad memory. Now I try everything in the world and yet it doesn't resolve my bad memory. Obviously  I can't live with a bad memory because it's worsening my daily life with errors and mishaps and probably limiting my capacity and potential. I can't get rid of a "bad memory." Because the memory itself is corrupt. Yet I have to operate with this corrupted disk. I'll have to figure out ways to work around it in such a way that I'm operational despite a bad memory. You get that now. I will have to learn to get back my functionality despite this bad memory. Now I'm not going to gain my functionality 100% back, but I can gain it to a certain extent. That is let's say I was committing 50% errors in any work and now with improved alternatives to assist a bad memory, I'm making 10% errors. So that's a huge improvement. I guess that alone would be more than enough. That's what I'm looking for. 

I don't want to know the suffering of real rape victims. Because that's not solving my problem. That's only making me feel ashamed of something I don't want to be ashamed of. 

I want to treat it my own way which will make it feasible for me to operate despite it existing in the background. I know it's symptomatic of my past abuse lodged in my subconscious mind and it comes back as a haunting in the form of rape dreams yet I also know that this is a diseased part of me that I have to live with just like you live with an amputated leg. You just find ways to circumvent that. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Umm. I can actually have it if I want it. I never felt like I could never have it or feel like it's a fault if I had it. There's an element of sexual repression in me where having sex or at least imagining having sex wouldn't be easy. But I don't feel liberated in my rape dreams. Rather I feel comforted or secured / protected yet controlled very badly. It's always like a hostage situation and I'm surrendering. The surrendering feels good later because the Host seems to be telling me that I did a good job and I sympathize with him since he provides me security and survival. 

 

Like in the latest dream that was about 2 days ago, I was having an affair with a married man and he was kind to me and extremely sexy. When he tells me that he is not okay being with me because he has a wife, I ask him - "why can't you take care of two women?" to which he gives a nod. And in the middle of the dream, I'm taken away from him by a tall muscular man who looks like an army guy in war, like a police officer with a badge, and he looks intimidating. He takes me to his center or workplace and it looks like a dystopian fantasy where everyone is too strict and crazy like the Nazi and he tell me that he will rape me brutally and tells me that I'll love him more than the first guy. He will make me do it. He will do it through coercion. He will show me what submission means. And I'm filled with fear. And I'm scared and I ask him if he is going to be sadistic with me. And he says yes. He adds that he will be so sadistic that I'll absolutely obey him and will be forced to beg him for mercy and even show perfect obedience. And not just that. He tells me that I'll completely forget the other man and obey him and consider him my new master and that's how he is going to make me love him. I tell him that that's not possible. So he rapes me brutally. He doesn't abandon me. He makes sure that I feel safe that I'm taken care of. When some of the men try to beat me up, he protects me from them by beating them. He does this to show me that he cares about me. In the end of the dream, I'm submitting to him in a subservient way and I forget the first guy and I begin to fall in love with this man. Although I never thought I would. His control makes me do it out of pressure and I get used to it. It's like in every dream, this intimacy is forcefully extricated out of me against my will and the captor or host or rapist is the winner because he wins my love but out of coercion and force. I end up showing him love out of extreme pressure for survival that induces Stockholm Syndrome and attachment. Like abusive love.

 

 

My dreams were a manifesting of what I had been through. Why did I find comfort in them? 

Because that was the only way to find closure with the cruelty of the situation! 

 

If it did not end well in real life, it at least ended well in my dreams.. 

 

This looks like a great explanation of my rape dream as it corelates to my trauma. 

 

 

I think it was a way to have closure and peace with the abuse I went through. I liken it to something like this. 

Imagine being bullied in high school by some terrible person who tortures you, pours gasoline on you. Makes you suffer. You suffer trauma as a result. Of course the memory is painful. 

Years later when you are all grown up, you get dreams, really bad dreams. In these dreams you're being raped. Man or woman doesn't matter whoever you are. 

The person who is raping you is the same person who poured gasoline on you in high school. Now they are grown up too. But in the dream they torture you  and rape you again. You surrender to this power. Although you escaped them in real life and were terrified of them. But in the dream, you build a sado masochistic relationship with them. You surrender to their power and authority. This sado masochistic relationship helps you heal the trauma you went through with them and because of them. Since you could not find justice and peace with them for what they did, your way to find closure was through these means. In hard core reality you couldn't have expected justice. Yet in the dream world this is possible although not in the perfect way, not in the way you would want it. What's not possible in real life is happening in the dream. They wanted you to submit but you didn't want to. They didn't want to give you closure in real life yet they have to do so in the dream. The karmas of both meet at a perfect point. The manifestation through rape. 

At the end of the brutal act you submit. It's not justice, yet it's closure. They taking care of you or providing you security or survival is probably out of guilt of having tortured you. You submitting to their rape is symbolic of you validating their power and sadistic intent thus satisfying their bloodlust and giving them the closure they needed out of you long time ago during the first encounter. This is not justice, but this is karmic closure. The reality was extremely brutal and takes you the time when bad things happened between you and that person in high school. Yet through the rape, both are able to forgive one another and satisfy each other in half baked ways like a dystopian fantasy. You find comfort in the rapist because they let you feel safe although this wasn't the reality. It's not a happy ending but it's not as brutal as what happened in real life and it's your brain's mechanism to cope with what happened and give it to proper ending in your dreams so your suffering and current trauma  finds subconscious healing through the dream. A sort of reconciliation of what happened without letting your tormentor make it much worse for you and burying the memory of what happened and replacing it with a rape dream thus sealing the wound and not letting it  fester any further. 

This seems like a powerful interpretation given that I'm a child abuse victim and the dream could be significant in trying to heal me. 

 

 

 

I think I can call this some kind of a karmic cleansing act. And it makes a lot of sense why I was getting such a dream repeatedly. Now I realize that it was some sort of a karmic cleansing going on. 

 

The rapist was my tormentor in real life or past life. Through raping me he was karmic cleansing himself. 

 

I was karmic cleansing by submitting to him. 

Both were cleansing each other's karma. 

My karma was my trauma. His karma was his guilt. 

 

 

This significant trauma in my life was spazzing out as rape fantasy 

 

These rape dreams are a form of trauma release. Don't feel upset by them. It will be ok.

I have received significant amount of information on what's happening to me. I feel a bit more empowered than before. The more I negotiate this with myself. 

I have spent days not eating and putting all the hard work into understanding my mental problems. 

 

 

 

I  am my own power. 

 

 

It's natural that I'll have behavioral issues given the amount of trauma I suffered.. 

 

 

Aspects Tribal - 

 

I think when someone suffers extreme level of trauma in their childhood and the world doesn't have a cure for it, it's like it's the tribalistic aspects that handle it better. 

These rape dreams could be an offshoot of those tribalistic aspects. 

They give relief by playing out the reptilian mind 

 

It's like when you traumatize a mind, the mind goes berserk and then the reptilian mind is triggered in the process. This is a bold move. A move toward survival. 

 

Again survival is not love. Remember that rapists program your mind to believe that survival is love. If they feed you, they love you. This is a false illusion. Realize that this is equivalent to someone pushing you off the stairs and then taking you to the hospital. Just because they take you to the hospital does not make them angels. 

But this exact recipe or method is used by rapists and hostage situations or captors who first take you hostage and then feed you and act like they did a service to you. It's like they did a favor to you. This is not a true friend. This is not a true helper. Can you see this? Can you see through this deception? Can you see the Devil? The devil is always in the details. In order to know the Devil, you have to know each and every detail of what's happening to you. Because there lies your freedom and the GOLD KEY that you needed to set yourself free. 

 

The rape dreams could also be a signal that you are struggling and trying to set yourself free or a caution that you should do so. 

 

 

You aren't surrounded by pure people. And that's your biggest problem. 

Remember "pure people." 

 

 

Now what are pure people? 

Pure people are those who genuinely want to help you. That is they aren't playing games with your head. They will not make conditions to help you. They will not blackmail you. 

They will not challenge your survival. 

They will not rape you and then tell you that they are going to feed you. This is a tactic. This is to control you the way animals are abused. 

It's vile. 

It's the enemy or the wolf in sheep's clothing. 

It's like how my mother was forced to marry for survival. How she was told that this was in her own good. She was pushed off the stairs in the marriage. 

 

 

It's like if her family wanted to help her, they would have helped her. They wouldn't have forced her into a marriage she didn't want 

 

 

 

Long ago my mother said to me - 

I won't let you be forced to marry a man who you don't want to marry. I won't let you suffer the way I did. 

 

THIS IS GENERATIONAL TRAUMA 

 

 

When a pure person comes to you, they listen to you deeply deeply deeply. Because after all they claim they want to help you. 

 

 

My last boyfriend (before I met my husband) was like that. At least somewhat. He gave me a glimpse into what pure love can look like but he quickly abandoned me after that because he thought trying to help me was overwhelming. I don't blame him because I was dealing with serious trauma. 

 

You will realize that fraud is a part of evil. 

Fraud is what the enemy does. 

 

They are frauding you. This is the first sign of NOT LOVE. 

 

If someone wants to truly love you, they will set you free. 

They won't lock you up and then feed you breadcrumbs. 

And then act like they are loving you. That's not Love. 

 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

.. 

Who are rapists? 

Rapists are power hungry people. 

They want absolute power. Absolute tyranny. 

They will do anything for it. 

Everything is power, at least for the rapist. 

Power is survival. PURE STAGE RED. 

Now why do you think you rely on the rapist. Why do you think you are submitting to him? 

That's because in some ways this power is your shadow. 

(I have always been against authority) 

In some ways the rape dreams are showing up my shadow aspects regarding power. 

The rapist has to be a police officer. Why? 

Because a police officer is powerful? The uniform represents power over people. 

Why are women attracted to power? 

The power is your SHADOW. 

You are trying to run away from the shadow. But you are trying to run away from your own shadow. Can you see this? 

Now ask yourself.. Can you really run away from your own shadow? 

 

The answer is No. 

So you're running away from something that you can never truly run away from. 

What's the point then? 

It's like a dog chasing it's tail. 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I'm a girl. My name is Reena. I took the name Buck Edwards because it gave me a sense of security. 

[Buck Edwards]

In my dream, the rapist says to me - 

"You're taking a lot of risk by offending me." 

Has anyone ever made you (Reena) feel like this way in your life? 

That's a veiled threat. 

When a rapist says that to you, he is once again asserting his power over you. 

He sees you as helpless. This Dialogue was a power move from the rapist. He was trying to weaken you, to make you feel like the better way ahead is by you pleasing him or else things are not going to be well for you. It's an indirect blackmail. 

He is trying to control you 

There's a part of my rape dream where I tend to gain more power over the rapist. Like I get financially more successful and get ahead in life. I become a very influential person and enjoy fame, success and money. The rapist is a homeless pauper living paycheck to paycheck. 

Then one day he comes at my door and the dialogues in the dream are as follows - 

"Reena, now you're rich, so you forgot me?" 

I'm like, what do you want nasty pig. 

As I'm doing my makeup in the mirror, he stands behind me lecturing me about how the world is so fake and that I'm a doll stuck in this brutal world. 

The Rapist -

"all this is temporary nonsense. You'll soon come to me. You silly girl. They give you all these luxuries and you forget me. you forget me. I was like a father to you. I cared for you. Fed you. Saved you from savages who wanted to kill you. And you, you Sit there and ignore me. I know you aren't heartless. "

Me (in front of the mirror adjusting my necklace) 

-

" so you're dirt poor now. What do you want? By the way how are you doing? "

 

The Rapist - 

" I'm not doing good. "

 

Me - 

" I think you want money. And that's why you come to me now. "

I pull out a drawer and grab my purse and take a wad of cash out of it and throw it at him. 

" take this money. That's what you wanted right. Now leave me alone. "

The Rapist - 

He stands really close to me and then whispers into my ears - " I wanted you." 

Then I soften a bit. I thought he is just a superficial person who wants to use me for his needs. 

But then I see some genuineness in him. He probably really wants me. He probably does care about me. It's just that his love could not be as pure as I wanted it to be. His love is warped. His love is dysfunctional. Yet it's still love. My heart is not big enough to accept such love. 

 

This is Eros love or Erotic love, sexual love, manipulative love. Abusive love. Dysfunctional codependent love. 

I don't know to what extent this is true love or if it is something I should positively be receptive to. 

The Rapist can also be a hypocrite. 

He might tell you that he wants only you. Yet he might be frauding you 

As a result your trust meter is completely out of whack. 

You simply can never trust anyone. Trust them that they will really love you, never abandon you 

But what he gets post nut clarity kind of a situation where he realizes that he only lusts after you but isn't truly into you. 

What if he begins to like another woman the same way he likes you. You'll lose all interest in his romantic games. In all of his "I only want you" bullshit. 

It's the culmination of all these games that should be the focus. 

Love can sometimes be dysfunctional and our adult and child like needs for bonding are associated with these. 

That inner child never really dies. It wants to be clothed, fed and taken care of. 

(DO INNER CHILD WORK. YOUR INNER CHILD IS TOO HUNGRY). 

 

It's ok for love to be dysfunctional. I have been through all that. All my childhood I have been given dysfunctional love. 

Yet.... There's a caveat. 

You can still look for trust, commitment, faith, value and support. 

If there's spiritual love at the core, even the most dysfunctional love will still be love to a degree. It will be closer to real love or pure love. 

The problem arises when this quality is exploited. 

A person can be a rapist, in the sense they wanted what they wanted and they wanted to act in weird dangerous ways, in power hungry ways, yet their hearts could be warm enough to hold space for you. Their hearts could be sincere in wanting you, keeping you, valuing you. 

Society's moral standards of rape are extremely criminalizing. 

Rape is a crime. Rapist is a criminal. It's all very black and white. 

But a rapist is also a human being. He is acting out his weird atrocious nature. The only difference is that if we act weird, we aren't harmful to someone and it passes off. 

If a woman sexually groped a man in the street, it wouldn't be considered criminal. Because it's not considered harmful. 

Everyone tends to act weird at some point in some way. Every one has their own weird side 

For example there are swingers. They are people who practice BDSM. They are people who do dangerous stunts to entertain people. 

There are addicts. We dont say that these people are criminals. In some ways they are, because they can easily entice others to be addicts too. Thus they can be dangerous to society too. If you are friends with an addict, and you have taken up their addiction, they have caused you harm in the process without you realizing it. 

What about wage slavery? That's exploitative too. Yet we don't have public outrage against it. 

The public creates outrage against some and not against another. 

It's called selective outrage.. 

In a similar fashion, society is enraged on the aspect of rape and it's considered criminal and taboo. 

Yet... 

There are women who go back to their abusers. Women who were raped and abused by their boyfriends. And then they go back to them. What explains this? 

 

Women who have been with their husbands despite marital rape. 

 

 

Women like these who have forgiven their rapist. 

 

There are two forms of power. 

One is stage Red power. And the other is Spiritual power. 

The Rapist is abundant in his Stage Red Power. 

 

In a sense he is abundantly gifted in this. Pure power to dominate and subjugate. 

 

He could kill and pressure people. He could become a dictator. He could become an oppressor. 

 

Yet he might lack spiritual power. He might not know how to truly love. To show hope and gentleness. 

 

 

     spiritual power

 

      stage Red power 

 

     power of kindness and gentleness 

 

    power of trust and commitment

 

 the power of love. 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

There's a part of my rape dream where I tend to gain more power over the rapist. Like I get financially more successful and get ahead in life. I become a very influential person and enjoy fame, success and money. The rapist is a homeless pauper living paycheck to paycheck. 

Then one day he comes at my door and the dialogues in the dream are as follows - 

"Reena, now you're rich, so you forgot me?" 

I'm like, what do you want nasty pig. 

As I'm doing my makeup in the mirror, he stands behind me lecturing me about how the world is so fake and that I'm a doll stuck in this brutal world. 

The Rapist -

"all this is temporary nonsense. You'll soon come to me. You silly girl. They give you all these luxuries and you forget me. you forget me. I was like a father to you. I cared for you. Fed you. Saved you from savages who wanted to kill you. And you, you Sit there and ignore me. I know you aren't heartless. "

Me (in front of the mirror adjusting my necklace) 

" so you're dirt poor now. What do you want? By the way how are you doing? "

The Rapist - 

" I'm not doing good. "

Me - 

" I think you want money. And that's why you come to me now. "

I pull out a drawer and grab my purse and take a wad of cash out of it and throw it at him. 

" take this money. That's what you wanted right. Now leave me alone. "

The Rapist - 

He stands really close to me and then whispers into my ears - " I wanted you." 

Then I soften a bit. I thought he is just a superficial person who wants to use me for his needs. 

But then I see some genuineness in him. He probably really wants me. He probably does care about me. It's just that his love could not be as pure as I wanted it to be. His love is warped. His love is dysfunctional. Yet it's still love. My heart is not big enough to accept such love. 

[Buck Edwards]

34 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

There's a part of my rape dream where I tend to gain more power over the rapist. Like I get financially more successful and get ahead in life. I become a very influential person and enjoy fame, success and money. The rapist is a homeless pauper living paycheck to paycheck. 

Then one day he comes at my door and the dialogues in the dream are as follows - 

"Reena, now you're rich, so you forgot me?" 

I'm like, what do you want nasty pig. 

As I'm doing my makeup in the mirror, he stands behind me lecturing me about how the world is so fake and that I'm a doll stuck in this brutal world. 

The Rapist -

"all this is temporary nonsense. You'll soon come to me. You silly girl. They give you all these luxuries and you forget me. you forget me. I was like a father to you. I cared for you. Fed you. Saved you from savages who wanted to kill you. And you, you Sit there and ignore me. I know you aren't heartless. "

Me (in front of the mirror adjusting my necklace) 

" so you're dirt poor now. What do you want? By the way how are you doing? "

The Rapist - 

" I'm not doing good. "

Me - 

" I think you want money. And that's why you come to me now. "

I pull out a drawer and grab my purse and take a wad of cash out of it and throw it at him. 

" take this money. That's what you wanted right. Now leave me alone. "

The Rapist - 

He stands really close to me and then whispers into my ears - " I wanted you." 

Then I soften a bit. I thought he is just a superficial person who wants to use me for his needs. 

But then I see some genuineness in him. He probably really wants me. He probably does care about me. It's just that his love could not be as pure as I wanted it to be. His love is warped. His love is dysfunctional. Yet it's still love. My heart is not big enough to accept such love. 

There are Codependency aspects to this as well. 

If the tormentor gets rid of the object he is tormenting, who will he torment? 

If the victim is not relying or codependent on the rapist for their needs then why will the victim stay with the rapist?

All of this is tied together into a Codependency dynamic between the captive and the captor (in this case the rapist). 

Aspects of brutality - 

 

If you actually enjoyed the rape and considered it love, it ceases to be rape. 

Do you understand this? 

It can't be rape anymore if it's pleasant. Neither is the rapist a criminal. He ceases to be harmful to you. He ceases to be a criminal. Yet he is animalistic in his desires. 

How can you call it rape when you enjoy it? 

It means it wasn't harming you. 

You see something is brutal only as long as it's brutal. 

 

The brutality stops as soon as it stops being harmful in your eyes. 

But how will the rapist keep up with his equation of domination and power if he stops being brutal? 

 

The whole reason you obeyed him and submitted to him was because you either felt threatened by his power (so out of fear) or you felt dependent on him (for your survival). 

 

So to keep the equation going on, he has to do either of the two or both. He has to invent new ways to enforce his power or keep you being dependent on him. 

If he is a true sadist, he will do both. 

You cannot have an amalgamation here. You're conflating two things that are completely contradictory. 

One where the rapist or tormentor has to show you love. But on the other hand, you also want to him to keep his power on. He can't be powerful if he is too loving. He can't be loving in the act of trying to enforce power and punishment. He can't be both the Devil and the Saint at the same time. 

You want him to play both roles. 

In reality, most people who are straight up psychotic enough to rape you might not have any empathy for you at all. They will be maniacs who will go to prison and all your dreams about expecting such a person to be loving will turn to an absolute mockery of your own beliefs. 

Such a figure can only exist in fantasy. 

But wait a minute. Such things have happened in real life. 

Case in point - Jaycee Lee Dugard. 

 

 

My personal story bears similarities with Jaycee Lee Dugard. 

Feeling like I'm living in a prison as a child. Being tormented and controlled for years. Physical abuse and violence. Feeling neglected, unloved and helpless as a child. 

 

And growing up in a pretty dysfunctional manner and trying to cope with life with this dysfunctional baggage weighing me down at the same time. 

 

Edited August 13 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

Evil always uses a catchphrase. 

It's like a system of cabals and their catchphrases 

Symptoms of evil. 

 

 manipulation

 fraud 

 greed 

 hypocrisy 

 conceited 

 psychopath levels of self interest

 agenda driven 

 entitlement

 ego 

 exploitative 

 sabotage 

 slander, gossip, twisting, conspiratorial

 lack of sincerity 

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Schizophonia]

So who is the girl in your pp ? @Buck Edwards

If you don't mind

[Buck Edwards]

4 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

So who is the girl in your pp ? @Buck Edwards

If you don't mind

Me. 

[Buck Edwards]

I had this weird dream where a paternal figure in the dream kept asking me to give a speech. I gave the speech. Then he mocked me. He mocked my low memory. He took a long time to assess other people whereas he finished my assessment within minutes and let me go. In the end I ask him directions to go home. He mocks me again. I feel unusual meanwhile he continues to act condescending. Dream ends.

[Buck Edwards]

 

For the rapist to be nice to you, he has to be a nice person in his heart. Don't trust someone so easily. 

Also the reason you're attracted to his power is because this power is essential to survival. This is the STAGE RED FACTOR. 

This is the factor you're attracted to. 

This factor is like a life factor. 

It's a form of raw power necessary for survival. 

It's not that the situation made the person turn evil. The person was already evil. It's just that their true colors are visible when all bets are off, when all conditions are perfect. You didn't see the true colors before because back then the conditions weren't viable for them to be shown. 

Basically fraud. 

 

In the rape dream, he tells me that I betrayed him. 

That does mellow me a bit. 

He holds me close and then tells me that I didn't do right. I betrayed him. 

I suddenly feel overcome by emotion. What have I done that has made him so upset? 

Have I really done something that is deeply wrong or unfair to him? 

He clothed me. He fed me. He protected me from savages. 

Then how could I forget what he did for me? 

Can I still trust him? 

I spent years with him thinking that I will be free some day. Or that I won't live buried in past trauma. 

Is his concern valid?

Then he holds me close as im drifting between my thoughts, he tells me that I'm his baby, a strong baby, that I was always a strong child. 

He touches my breasts. He feels them. 

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

I feel a deep sense of vulnerability. Like he knows me. He didn't just rape my body. He raped my soul. 

He owned me. He took me. He made me his. And now if I'm separated from him, how would he feel?

Then he tells me that all the wealth in the world can't save me. 

My rape dreams are a caveman Neanderthal instinct. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

You're yearning a home. 

You're yearning a home. 

You're yearning a home. 

Be a real person.

Be a pure person. 

Be a real person 

Be a pure person. 

https://astrotalk.com/astrology-blog/can-your-birth-month-reveal-your-future-partners-traits-insideastro-iaad11-16/amp/

 

 

The caveman Neanderthal instinct is an extremely deep masculine energy. DME. 

DME is the stage red factor.

This

 

 

Deep masculine energy is what I needed from a man. 

 

 

I know this might sound weird the rapist gave me a lot of comfort. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 14 by Buck Edwards

[Marcel]

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

I know this might sound weird the rapist gave me a lot of comfort. 

I really does sound a bit odd on first glance hun.

But after having read all of your posts on the topic and having given it some thought. 

It makes total sense. These dreams / nightmares and the dynamic they play out are your mind resolving stuff. In a really creative and unfortunately exhausting way.

My nightmares are different. They often involve me being hunted / chased by people in uniforms, different ones almost every time actually. Like being a resistance fighter within an authoritarian / totalitarian government.
 

Sometimes they just randomly end in the middle while trying to escape. Sometimes they end when I’m captured. Sometimes they end in my getting killed, usually via gun.

 

 

 

Edited August 14 by Marcel