Lessons from my first round of Ketamine Treatment (9 Trips)

[StripedGiraffe]

Intro:

I finished my first round of therapeutic Ketamine through Better U (9 doses of Rapid Dissolve Tablets). I tried it to help heal pain. If I had to attach a clinical label to my pain, I'd say it's a mix of C-PTSD, depression and anxiety. Specifically, I wanted to become a better father and husband, reduce my suffering, move past career blocks, increase motivation, stop overeating, and more. My dose was 400 mg with the first trip at 200mg and the eighth at 600 mg. The first two trips were sublingual (spit), the third was sublingual/oral (swallowed), and the remaining 7 trips were administered rectally, dissolved in water (to avoid the taste). For all of these trips, I lay in my bed with an eye mask.

Background:
I'm 27 years old and over the last decade, I've done about 30 - 50 trips with Mushrooms, LSD, and Ayahuasca, but did not have any experience with Ketamine. I have deep reverence for the psychedelic experience and I feel like they have been instrumental on my path of healing and awakening. Most of the lessons I learned from Ketamine are old lessons that were deepened or refreshed, often in very profound ways.

Lesson/Experience Summary:

Trip 1: 200mg acclimation dose:

Was not much of a trip. My body felt a bit numb and tingly but I noticed no cognitive changes. I felt bored and a little disappointed. (looking back, this was a microcosm of my waking experience). I was looking for something to come and "save me". I didn't get that. In the following days, I realized how my desire and expectations distracted me from actually being present with my experience.

Trip 2: 400mg sublingual (spit) + a hit of cannabis one hour in:

I intended to feel happy. I was again underwhelmed at first but when I hit the bong, my awareness expanded rapidly and I started to see visuals that I perceived as the power and intelligence of God on display (I also saw Aubrey Marcus's face on a butterfly lol). I felt a deep fear of tripping hard and ultimately the fear of God. I remained stuck in deep fear and resistance for the rest of the trip. I repeatedly tried to shift my focus to happiness and gratitude but I could not maintain my focus. The current of fear was too strong. The brokenness of "I'm not focused enough" dampened my feeling state and I remembered carrying that feeling since I was diagnosed ADD in my childhood. I also tried to just be present with the feeling I felt but I couldn't maintain that focus either. I started perceiving my feelings as the "Divine Feminine", seeing her as a living entity. I tried loving her but felt devoid of love and too distracted. I asked her how to love her and I heard, "Listen... feel". I tried, but again was too distracted to listen and feel. At this point, it became crystal clear that I needed to improve my concentration ability. It also became very clear that thoughts create feelings. My thinking was creating my suffering.

In the following days, I practiced a lot of concentration meditation. I realized that most of my thoughts were textbook "sinful", like the 7 deadly sins in Christianity or the 5 hindrances in Buddhism. I worked on letting go and replacing those thoughts by applying some strategies I found in "Beyond Distraction" by Shaila Catherine, which I picked up in a bookstore and devoured in a few hours.

I also become aware of a ton of self-judgment, particularly a ton of "I am not ______ enough". And I also projected all of that judgment onto the world. I felt like I needed to experience my judgment non-judgementally to experience the imperfection as a manifestation of Perfection. Through my refreshed meditation practice, I learned that suffering and discomfort dissolve when I meet them with fully accepting presence.

Trip 3: 400 mg sublingual/oral (swallowed) + bong rip

I did 3 rounds of Wif Hof breathing before the trip. On the come-up, I began to perceive my feelings with more clarity. Near the peak, I fully attempted to "let-go" and I spontaneously started breathing super fully, maybe more fully than I ever have in my life. It felt amazing. I felt intensely alive. I began to think about awakening and felt an intense energy in my chest. After closer observation, I realized that feeling was actually intense, heart-ponding fear. I realized that I was creating an imaginary "awakened" future that I felt attached to. This attachment was rooted in deep fear and resistance with the energy of, "LET ME OUT OF HERE, MAKE THIS STOP", with a thin veneer of "everything will be okay... hopefully". I laughed at how absurd it was that I was attached to this energy considering how horrible it actually felt. I noticed how I ran this same pattern all the time either with desirable or undesirable imagined futures which I felt attached to or attached to avoiding. Either way, it's essence was fear.

In the following days, I meditated for 2+ hours a day, and I let go of many layers of pain (anger, shame, fear, sadness, etc.) I became aware that the doorway to peace was in every moment. No matter what form arises, there I was, perceiving it. I also noticed that whenever pleasure arises, fear and unworthiness come with it.

The big insight from this trip is that when I let go, I started to breathe so fully. It's like I was breathing in life itself and with no conscious effort. I intuited that I could breathe my way into high states of consciousness but that would also mean illuminating the shadow/fear inside me, but I trusted the process. One of these evenings, I prayed for proper breathing. Then, in the middle of the night, I had a dream of two tablets dissolving on each side of my pelvic floor with each breath, as if they were replenishing my body's desire for oxygen. Still asleep, my body started to breathe very deeply with no conscious effort until I was half asleep and then fully awake still inhaling fully and effortlessly. Each breath felt full, wide, and deeply satisfying. I woke up my wife with my breathing. It felt amazing. I realized that for as long as I remember, I have been depriving my body of oxygen with shallow breathing patterns, creating a perfect breeding ground for fear and unconsciousness. I realized the close correlation between my depth of breathing and my mental state. I also learned that awareness of the breath as well as non-resistance are keys to high-quality breathing, and my meditation practice has been instrumental for that.

Trip 4: 400mg plugged + bong rip

Intention - awaken inner power and masculinity.

I noticed that I was not present with my visual field like I was waiting for something else more real. When I did focus my attention, my closed-eye visual field morphed into a spiraling wall of Egyptian hieroglyphics. I meditated on courage. At one point, I said, "I realized the true meaning of freedom. True freedom is freedom to be myself." I burst into tears for a brief moment. What I meant was, no matter what I'm going through, I am free to be the kind of character that I want to be. If I am suffering, I can be the one who acts for my wellbeing. I call that "being myself" because I have a natural impulse to serve myself and those around me. So perhaps to be free, I just need to trust that impulse, that deep wisdom. I felt like my ability to be present and obedient to my deepest wisdom was hindered by my self-doubt. I essentially did not trust myself. I realized the deep wisdom of "trust in yourself". When I do not trust myself, I naturally avoid pain and discomfort because I don't believe that I'll be there for myself to get me through it. But if I trust myself, I know that I can endure any level of pain and emerge unharmed because my authentic loving character arises from my nature. So I learned self self-trust is a key to freedom. Even though I've made a terrible habit of ignoring my own wisdom, it never stops. It's always there. But that voice is not enough to be free, I need to know that I can and will consistently act upon that voice to actually feel free and safe. I realized that authentic character arises from freedom, and with my freedom, I choose to be a servant to all, present, a protector, merciful, abundant, nourishing, and devoted to my deepest wisdom.

I noticed that I was labeling my eyes-closed visual field as "darkness" subconsciously, but then I realized, it was actually light. My whole visual field flashed with white light. I saw a beautiful native American woman singing. She symbolized the divine feminine, singing her song of deep wisdom that arises from Nature. Her song says you are free, and this wisdom is always available, but it's up to you to follow it. That natural "feminine" wisdom is the natural wisdom that springs from my source effortlessly, the feminine within the masculine (yin in the yang). As a man, it is my job to honor her song and protect her with all my heart and abilities.

I also noticed how I was creating pain by anticipating either pain or pleasure in the future. I felt like I could take myself into pleasure but I kept making excuses for why I had to wait. I felt like I was waiting for some source of empowerment. But of course, empowerment must come from within. That's what empowerment means. I realized that the substance of my power is decisions. Making decisions is how I practice good-will. Good-will means executing the will of my deepest freedom. Practicing this leads to self-trust. Self-trust is key to letting go. Letting go is key to presence. Presence is the key to freedom. Freedom is the end-game.

The next day, I ate a bunch of ginger mints and meditated for 25 minutes without moving. My head was so itchy, I felt like it was on fire, but I encouraged myself with positive self-talk, which was something I really don't do often enough.

I contemplated femininity and masculinity. I wrote that the essence of femininity is surrender, receptivity, and energy. And the essence of masculinity is purpose. Purpose informs direction and decision, which is where masculine power lies. Without purpose, the direction of attention defaults to survival/ego maintenance. A purpose is something for the mind to chew on.

I had a dream that I was in a video game and I died. I was waiting there to "restart", but I was deeply detached to my body because I perceived it as a dead video game character. I felt a sense of dissolving and expanding that was quite nice. (looking back, this feeling was very similar to what I experienced in trip 10).

I also dreamt of a white dragon that looked like Haku from Spirited Away. The next day, I contemplated dragon energy. I began to understand the dragon as a symbol of raw power - power that destroys everything in opposition to it, not as an act of evil, but as an act of creation. I wanted to awaken that dragon within me.

I also wrote this, "The Ocean holds space for all of it's creatures- beautiful and ugly, peaceful and violent. It is indifferent. Indifference is the highest form of love and freedom. And because all know freedom, the truth of our depth arises without force and shines with perfect clarity." A rip-off of the Tao Te Ching, but still beautiful.

Trip 5: 400mg plugged

Intention: awaken the inner dragon

My breath was full and deep for at least the first hour. I felt incredibly alive and quite content. I felt like I was in God's VR simulator in the clouds and that everything I felt was divinely crafted. I had a vision of me sitting on on a cloud chair with a joystick and I was free to do anything I wanted. I felt like my body was made of pixels that were subdividing into finer and finer pixels. I visualized myself as Blue-Eyes White Dragon (from Yu-Gi-Oh!). Any time I would notice fear or resistance, I would blast it with white light as the dragon. I felt quite good but also very attached to my experience, which took away from it. It was a great trip overall.

I remember being astounded by a sense of power in my body. I also remember acknowledging that there was no one here, that the concept of "self "was thin and insignificant compared to the truth of my being in my direct awareness. I said "Ketamine lets me be me which is nothing."

On the tail end of the comedown, I went inside Chipotle to order food. The restaurant had the worst vibes imaginable. They were playing some ultra-slowed grunge trap music on a boombox behind the counter. The staff looked like they were on opiates. A worker scraped the grill the whole time, creating an ear-piercing scraping noise. The vibes screamed, "please kill me, make it end". It was pure pain and resistance. I went home, and with hesitation, took a few bites of my food which quickly created deep pain in my whole body. I threw it out. I realized that the deep suffering that I was resisting and judging was deep inside of me. That Chipotle was just reflecting my own deep pain and victim complex.

I excavated a lot of self-hatred and resistance patterns in the following days. I also started to notice that some core desire in me was being suppressed. I thought how my craving for peace/joy/bliss might just be a means to become more free.

I realized how I decided to suppress my anger from an early age so I did not hurt people with it like my father did. I acknowledged that although my intention was pure, I was misguided. Anger does not hurt anyone. It is simply a fire that signals that it is time for action and transformation. The anger I trapped inside burned me as self-hatred for many years. But when I meet anger with my loving conscious presence, it can be a powerful fuel that serves my purpose.

I realized that an aspect of my core masculine desire is to ravish - to give my gift so fully that I completely lose myself in the giving. I explored this with my wife in Tantra, and it was great. I felt like I could let go much more deeply when I surrendered completely to her feelings and giving her the best possible experience. It was very different than my usual inhibited way, but we both loved it.

The next day, I became acutely aware of how my judgments -all of my dualistic mind-activity - were distracting me from the present moment.

I also drew up "the light spiral":

Presence leads to love. Love leads to trust. Trust leads to surrender. Surrender leads to presence.

Trip 6: 400mg (plugged)

Intention - empowerment

I experienced myself as a spirit body with deep freedom. I noted how I repeatedly would construct mental grounds for myself. Those grounds/identities were made of pain/tension. But they remained beneath my awareness while they built up, although I still felt the dis-ease.

I said, "One level of freedom is being what you choose. That's what reality is always doing. But a deeper level of freedom is being what you want the most." This requires deep honesty about desire. I realized that I was dismissing my desire for bliss, labeling it as selfish. By I allowed myself to own it. I finally admit that I did want bliss for myself simply because I love myself. I also realized that even if I felt bliss if I could not share it, I would still feel empty. And so I wished bliss and peace upon myself and my family and the world. I placed my hands on my heart and said "Divine bliss here and now".

Throughout the trip, it became increasingly clear that I was a free energy being governed by my intention and will. My experience responded to my will. On the comedown, I wandered outside on a cool evening and ran to the last patch of sunny ground. It felt like such a deep expression of my authentic desire. I felt like energy was rising up from my lower chakras, flowing into my upper body as a result of surrendering to my authentic desire.

I did Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) in the mirror and excavated a lot of shame, unworthiness, and self-judgment.

That night, I dreamt of my childhood crush and felt the profound desire I felt for her that had been suppressed my whole life.

The next morning, I woke up early, went outside, and did breathwork while sun-gazing. I felt that same profound desire for the sun, like I wished it was inside my chest radiating brilliantly and effortlessly. I squinted as the sun rose higher and the glare in my eyelashes created a cross with the sun at the center. I thought of Jesus dying on the cross and how the sun represented presence and the cross represented death. I felt the desire to die (spiritually/mentally) so that I could let the light of my presence shine fully. I thought of the light spiral. I noticed how life flows out of death. My deepest desire springs from freedom. Freedom springs from the boundless intelligence that lives beyond separation. I was craving the realization of surrendered action. And most of all I was craving the fullness of my presence that I sense can only actualize with total surrender of self.

I felt called to fast the next day and did, but found myself in a video-game fueled dopamine hole. I made a distinction between desire and craving. I said, "Desires arise from my deep wisdom and serve myself/others. They should be pursued. Cravings do not serve and therefore do not need to be fulfilled.

Trip 7: 400mg (plugged)

Intention: heal the pain in my heart and awaken warrior energy

I breathed deeply and felt free on the come-up. I saw Dark Magician (from Yu-Gi-Oh!) and I felt like I could think clearly and create whatever I wanted without a bunch of self-doubt clouding my mind. I really liked that. I got up after about 45 minutes to put music on my speaker. Bad idea. It was a huge deboccle. I ended up taking a shit and I felt like I was coming down. I also grabbed a cup to throw up in. I felt like I wasted my trip. I felt stupid and disappointed. But I continued to breathe deeply and offered loving self-talk to myself. I looked over to the purge cup and it had an Ankh on it. In that moment, the hoop on top of the cross represented my head getting blown off which triggered a purge into the cup. I lay back down and continued offering love to myself while "dying" to the pain I was feeling. from that moment to the next three hours, I poured out the pain in my heart into my loving presence. I dissolved so much fear, shame, anger, unworthiness, etc. just feeling the pain, breathing fully, and allowing it to be and express itself in my body. I often sighed to help release the pain. This is some of the deepest healing I've ever done. For the first time, I was able to recognize and validate to truth of my self-judgements. This was because I recognized that all of these judgments were based on a limited perspective about temporary form and that deep down, I had unconditional love for myself. So i was able to say, wow, I really do suck, I am incapable, I am a selfish POS, I am unworthy, I am powerless, I am not good enough, and really mean it, while maintaining a deeper sense of love and freedom within me. It was very liberating and I felt so validated because before I was dismissing my self-judgement and therefore my pain as an illusion or darkness. But my self-judgment really did have some truth to it, as all perspectives do. My character really did suck ass a lot of the time. I really am broken. And after that, I felt like I was in a greater position to surrender myself because I was able to clearly see my own brokenness.

For the first time in a long time, my heart felt open and alive. It was not radiating with joy or anything but just being able to feel aliveness was vastly preferable to the brick/black hole it felt like before. I felt so resiliant that I could face my deepest brokenness and still feel okay with a sense of deep love for myself. Then my wife walked in angry at me (for good reason) and stonewalled me. My heart immediately went back to feeling like a black hole. I was astounded at how I could be so skillful at processing my own self-hatred and then the second my wife felt angry at me, I completely closed and was consumed by anger.

Upon reflection, I realized that nothing could take away the aliveness in my own heart besides my own closure.

Trip 8: 600mg (plugged)

This (increased dose) trip was particularly hard to describe. I felt like I was pure spirit and everything was flowing through me in circular patterns. The energy patterns are ancient yet always changing and always fresh. I was taken far far away from ordinary consciousness on a wild journey. It felt like I was made of magic. I traveled to different "rooms" filled with cathedral-like geometry. Breathing was easy and probably the deepest of my life. I felt like this great indescribably good love and light was deep inside of me but it felt dampened and out of reach. I threw up bile and let out some incredibly deep coughs that left my chest and throat sore for days. I was spitting out a thick layer of mucus that continued for five days.

I also listed to sofeggio frequencies with nice headphones. I highly recommend this.

Then I found Ketamine State yoga (r/KetamineStateYoga)

Trip 9: 400mg (plugged)

Intention: Embrace my inner fire, invite in Christ energy, practice Ketamine State Yoga (KSY)

Pre-Trip: 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathwork

Onset: I practiced intuitive breathing with an emphasis on relaxing my brow, throat, and heart chakras. The process was smooth, and there was a relatively small amount of tension compared to previous trips. I listed to Meditative Mind with headphones and I could feel my whole body vibrating in resonance with very little resistance. It felt great. The visuals were subtle but more refined and multi-layered than previous trips.

Peak: I practiced the Primary KSY pranayama maybe 12 - 15 times. I quickly realized the value of the sigh and following my breath all the way to the bottom and past the first urge to inhale. Every time I did this, it felt good, and when I made it past the first urge to inhale, it felt like there was a layer of resistance dissolving. It felt like a partial death. I saw a vision of a blue Hindu deity (perhaps Kali). As the resistance dissolved, my awareness of the present deepened. As my awareness deepened, I became aware of more feeling details, like an increase of the resolution of my feelings (720p -> 1080p -> 4k). And as the resolution increased, it felt more and more beautiful. There was no incredible breakthrough moment, just a subtle increase in beauty and pleasantness every time I did the pranayama. Toward the end, I felt this very gentile and alive energy, like I had just begun to wake up from a long restful sleep. Not mind blowing bliss, but just pleasant and clean. I remember feeling great clarity and some point, not feeling much at all - just openness… and that felt really great. I realized I don’t need great pleasure to be satisfied. Simple openness and relative freedom from pain is enough.

Some things I remember saying:

Death is the dissolution of boundaries.

Life begins beyond death. The real death is clinging to life.

My purpose is to cultivate freedom- in me, through me, as me.

Come down: ate some amazing pumpkin pie but I had family duties to take care of so I didn’t get to practice much KSY.

Overall, this was my most pleasant and gentile ketamine experience. I will certainly be doing more KSY when I start another round of treatment. The primary KSY pranayama really is a difference maker and was the biggest missing piece in my practice.

Conclusion: Overall, I am incredibly grateful for this experience. Ketamine is an amazing substance with great therapeutic potential. It taught me deep lessons on freedom, presence, breathing, self-love, surrender, Nature, energy, femininity, masculinity, and much more. I plan on doing more ketamine in the future when I have time and can afford it. It has helped me do great healing and i feel considerably more free than when i started.

Tips that I'll be applying in the future:

Practice Ketamine State Yoga. This practice was instrumental and I look forward to exploring it more, as I only really got a taste.

Practice daily meditation and journaling to deepen your trips.

Listen to solfeggio frequencies or relaxing lyricless music on a nice speaker/headphones during your trip

Hydrate a lot on the come-down to help ease dizziness

Give yourself as much interrupted time as possible to trip and integrate.

Thanks for reading. I hope this is valuable to someone out there. I'm happy to discuss anything you like. Blessings.

[OBEler]

Wow thanks a lot for this rare trip report. We don't have much reports on keta on this forum.

400 mg plugged is a huge amount. It seems you already have tolerance.

A bit over 100 mg plugged should be already a khole for what I read

[StripedGiraffe]

@OBEler Happy to share. 400mg is intense but I love it. I certainly did not build any tolerance because each trip was deeper than the previous. I don't think I was ever truly in a k hole. I never felt completely disassociated from my body. Or maybe I just don't know how to recognize disassociation. But I felt deeply aware of my body, like orders of magnitude more conscious of my body. At the same time, I perceived myself as pure consciousness/mind/spirit/energy. But I still felt connected to my body for the most part. On the other hand, the 600mg trip was pretty wild. I felt pretty far removed from my ordinary ego state, but deeply aware of my "feeling body" the whole time. I'll have a fuller perspective once I explore higher doses. 

[OBEler]

12 minutes ago, StripedGiraffe said:

@OBEler Happy to share. 400mg is intense but I love it. I certainly did not build any tolerance because each trip was deeper than the previous. I don't think I was ever truly in a k hole. I never felt completely disassociated from my body. Or maybe I just don't know how to recognize disassociation. But I felt deeply aware of my body, like orders of magnitude more conscious of my body. At the same time, I perceived myself as pure consciousness/mind/spirit/energy. But I still felt connected to my body for the most part. On the other hand, the 600mg trip was pretty wild. I felt pretty far removed from my ordinary ego state, but deeply aware of my "feeling body" the whole time. I'll have a fuller perspective once I explore higher doses. 

W

12 minutes ago, StripedGiraffe said:

@OBEler 

Wow great! @What Am Icomes into my mind who shared great wisdom that body awareness is key to prevent bad trips.

"WhatAmI: As far as methods to boost spiritual alignment and deepen your experience of psychedelics and life in general, I've found inner body awareness practices to be the most powerful."

 

[What Am I]

On 8/8/2024 at 10:01 PM, OBEler said:

Wow great! @What Am Icomes into my mind who shared great wisdom that body awareness is key to prevent bad trips.

[Davino]

Ketamine is very interesting, actually a sedative that changes your state of consciousness radically.

In the same way, Salvia is a delirant and changes even more your state of consciousness.

I regard its exploration as crucial as they're two Entheogens which are not Psychedelics. They introduce oneself into a new conscious experience. Very happy to hear your Ketamine treatment went so well.