Seeking Advice/Insight

[taslimitless]

Hi, I feel this post will be both writing to discover what is true for me- as well as to see external feedback on how to proceed forward.

For context: I am 27 years old, female, not a "10" but considered attractive, I have spent years now serving bufo (5-meo-dmt) at retreats and privately, talented artistically, currently apprenticing under a somatic MDMA therapist  and finishing up my bachelor in psychology. I tend to be thought of as wise, sweet, fun, open, conversational, thoughtful, insightful... 

I have my faults and hiccups and my life hasn't always been sunshine and roses and I am vulnerable about that- it's typically well received.

In many ways I am in a new prime of my life. I have attractive men interested in me and sense that at this moment I have good options/the potential for good options in men.

I want a relationship. I want to have kids one day and I am aware of my biological clock.

My question is in regards to this new man I am seeing.

He is 36, attractive, former professional tennis and poker player, multi-millions in assets. He lives in the south west USA on a property with 6 houses, is growing all the food he eats there on the land... he's into a certain type of spiritual music and hosts events on his land each week. He has all the "spiritual books" on his shelf, ha spent his time studying too. He wants kids- and within my timeline- he wants a wife that he pays everything for and she takes care of the house/kids and has her dream business/something she loves to do on the side.

I met him in the north western USA and he recently flew me down to spend time with him. He took me out to expensive meals, we went to "conscious" events together, spent time singing, talking, he got me a two hour massage, new art supplies... he's interested in me.

My hesitancy with him is:  He often carries a seriousness that contrasts with my more lively spirit and it can be emotionally a little difficult for me, I have other men in my life with whom talking feels lighter, easier and  somehow deeper, I seem to be a lot more sexual than him (at one point he said "lets cuddle" and he meant have sex, or he said "we can't have sex all day" to which I replied "why not?", he seemed a little uncomfortable at first with me wanting to swallow his seed, he also doesn't make eye contact all that much...) , I have done A LOT more psychedelics than him and it sounds like I will continue to, find him to be a little awkward in his affection- not sure if this is a "us" thing (hasn't necessarily happened with other guys), he was looking for a partner which knew more "spiritually" than him- he feels he found that in me- but I was also sort of looking for the same thing, I am much more playful- and used to men who are too - we both care about eating organic but I am wayy more into fruits/vegetables and he's more into the wheat and cheese- which I don't eat.

When I was at his place I sometimes had the sensation of feeling trapped. I have heard that this is classic avoidant behavior but also I was having the sense that I would prefer someone with a different personality. I have the internal question of what if I'm not daring and don't see if there is someone better suited for me and end up in a life I'm not truly happy in. Fearlessness is a top value of mine.

In all honesty though - he's a really good option for me - he is supportive of my dreams, we both want kids and to raise them in the same way, he's smart, well respected, done and doing spiritual work.

I also have an internal clash between falling into this wife role and my desire for continued growth. I want kids and a family- I think this will be a huge teaching point in my life and the lends ability to love in that way will be such a gift/treasure- and I also see it as the sweet dream it is -

what would you do? what do you hear from me? what's your opinion/perspective/advice?

many many many thanks

Edited August 4 by taslimitless
one sentence made more accurate

[museumoftrees]

Very interesting post. How long have you been seeing this guy for ?

From what you wrote he seems like a serious person and I think he would do a responsible father for your children. What seems to be lacking here is the emotional stimulation and psychological connection between you and him.

[r0ckyreed]

The real test is if you can have these discussions with him and see if he is willing to listen. Explore what’s holding you back. All relationships have conflict. But it is about how you both go about working through it. If he didn’t have the status he has, would you still love him? At the end of the day, it is about how a man makes you feel, not just what he can give you.

[Salvijus]

Maybe the choice was easier if you were to set your values straight.  

Edited August 4 by Salvijus

[Princess Arabia]

If it wasn't this it would be something else. Weigh the pros and cons. Not all circumstances will seem ideal to us; and we can self-sabotage ourselves by trying to seek out things we view as the perfect circumstance, when the likelihood that the one we're in, is the right one for us but because we always want more it may not seem like it is.

All that you've mentioned some women are now out there seeking that and are wishing for a relationship like that. Not saying you should settle and not pursue what it is that you really want, but just take a step back and weigh the pros and cons; and if the pros outweigh the cons, try to adjust yourself to the cons to see if you can live in a contented and peaceful manner with them.

[merimo28]

If he is as You described, and You are really really sure in that, then You should give him a chance. He looks as many women dream. ...

[DianaFr]

You don't really love him, do you? You describe him as if he was a job opportunity for you to accept or reject. Or perhaps you are quite detached from your feelings, at least according to your text. Building a family is a very different thing than having an affair. Do you know what he is really looking for in his life's partner? Are you her? And vice versa? None of the things you described convinces me that you are 'the ones' for each other (but maybe it's too early to tell...) 

[Keryo Koffa]

Alice in Wonderland

meets Tony Stark

Will it work out?

Tune in, on the next

Episode of Actualized.org

Edited August 5 by Keryo Koffa

[taslimitless]

@DianaFr 

you’re right. I don’t. Actually some part of me can’t stand him. I just have various people being like “what the fuck is wrong with you” because of how he looks on paper- but my heart really wanted someone to say what you just did. 
 

I don’t know what he is looking for, but he’s ultimately not what I’m looking for in a partner. It takes so much energy for me to push though being with him. Everyday I spent with him I wanted to leave and everyday (because he flew me out there and I felt trapped) I would tell myself to give it another chance so I could cope.  
 

thank you. 

[taslimitless]

5 hours ago, Keryo Koffa said:

Alice in Wonderland

meets Tony Stark

Will it work out?

Tune in, on the next

Episode of Actualized.org

Hahaha this sooo good and hilariously accurate! You got a gift my friend

[Princess Arabia]

10 minutes ago, taslimitless said:

@DianaFr 

you’re right. I don’t. Actually some part of me can’t stand him. I just have various people being like “what the fuck is wrong with you” because of how he looks on paper- but my heart really wanted someone to say what you just did. 
 

I don’t know what he is looking for, but he’s ultimately not what I’m looking for in a partner. It takes so much energy for me to push though being with him. Everyday I spent with him I wanted to leave and everyday (because he flew me out there and I felt trapped) I would tell myself to give it another chance so I could cope.  
 

thank you. 

Go with your gut. 

[eos_nyxia]

19 hours ago, taslimitless said:

@DianaFr you’re right. I don’t. Actually some part of me can’t stand him. I just have various people being like “what the fuck is wrong with you” because of how he looks on paper- but my heart really wanted someone to say what you just did.

Well, they're not going to be marrying him, so who cares what they think?

Do not let other people influence your decision-making process excessively when they won't have to live with the consequences of your decisions. Nothing good comes from this. A more extreme version of this is people who follow the "prescribed life track" because they're supposed to. Like if you're a woman, getting married to the right type of man, at the right time, having your 2.5 kids, and doing everything in the order people expect you to do it in. Also: having the right career, and "doing it all", whatever the F that means.  And then later: *****wow, I've made it. ...but why am I not happy?*****

If you expect what you want vs. what other people want and what looks good on paper (or social media, alternatively) to line up or to be something that can be reconciled perfectly, you're probably in for a fight.

Quote

I don’t know what he is looking for, but he’s ultimately not what I’m looking for in a partner. It takes so much energy for me to push though being with him. Everyday I spent with him I wanted to leave and everyday (because he flew me out there and I felt trapped) I would tell myself to give it another chance so I could cope.  

Personally, I would say... don't do it. If the feeling aspect isn't there, don't do it.
 

Edited August 6 by eos_nyxia