Death is a real mindfuck

[Clarence]

One second I was with my grandmother, the next second, she was gone.

 

I am heartbroken and feel so much guilt and regrets for all the things I haven't done for her. The last 6 months, I had become exhausted of living with her. I had enough. I had stopped doing my best for her, as if I had let her go already.

Her death was sudden and completely unexpected at this time. She woke up one morning with a swollen and painful leg, the doctor and palliative nurse decided to give her morphine for the pain. But it all went downward from then.

She had all kinds of weird reactions to the drug, we wondered if she wasn't too confused and lost in her mind on it. As the day went by, she completely stopped standing, eating on her own and talking. We wanted to replace the morphine because her reaction didn't feel comfortable and because I thought she wouldn't have any chance to come back if we didn't, but her state didn't improve after changing medecine.

By the fourth and fiftth day after that first morning, she couldn't move a muscle anymore. She couldn't lift her arm to her face, and she coudn't give us a single reaction when we asked if she felt pain.

The pain in her leg started on the 16th of july, early morning (or night). And by the 20st, she was gone. She passed at 11h55 pm, with my mother and I by her side. Her capacity to breath had started to disminish a few hours before, and then she suffocated. She was trying hard to inhale air, but she couldn't anymore.

She was in a deep form of sleep with the morphine we had started back and another medecine called scopolamine, which is used to prevent people from drowning when the lungs fill up with liquid. We could hear the sound of the liquid when she breathed the last hours.

 

It was a traumatizing end, for her and for us. Her last five days and the moment of her death were really difficult and painful. She was the sweetest person, so it feels even harder to know that she suffered so much. All the nurses and doctors we called the last two days were completely incompetent (it was the weekend). And it was not a good thing to give her morphine on the first day to start with. My mother and I still struggle to feel at peace with all that happened.

 

It's really painful, and my mother and I really regret not to have done better for her the last few months. We were exhausted, but we feel so much regrets and guilt, that we feel we could have done better.

 

It's really, really sad. And we miss her.

[Schizophonia]

It's not your fault, it's what has to happen. Nobody ask you to take charge of someone else's life on your shoulders and fortunately.

The guilt will pass in a few days or weeks.

🤞

Edited August 1 by Schizophonia

[Clarence]

23 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Nobody ask you to take charge of someone else's life on your shoulders and fortunately.

No… but I loved her deeply. She could not survive by herself anymore due to her old age. We cannot just discard people when they grow old, especially when they have done everything for us when they were able to, and when they loved us so deeply.

Taking care of her was the right and normal thing to do. It was our responsability as her children and grandchildren, despite society making it seem normal not to care for the elderly.

Thanks for your message though. I just didn't feel like this part was right…

[Princess Arabia]

17 hours ago, Clarence said:

I am heartbroken and feel so much guilt and regrets for all the things I haven't done for her. The last 6 months, I had become exhausted of living with her. I had enough. I had stopped doing my best for her, as if I had let her go already.

 

17 hours ago, Clarence said:

We cannot just discard people when they grow old, especially when they have done everything for us when they were able to, and when they loved us so deeply.

 

Quote

Taking care of her was the right and normal thing to do. It was our responsability as her children and grandchildren, despite society making it seem normal not to care for the elderly.

Sounds contradictory. Sorry for your loss. Condolences to you and your family.

Edited August 2 by Princess Arabia

[Clarence]

2 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

Sounds contradictory.

It's not contradictory. We did well for 3 years, but the last six months, I had become too tired. Life had become too difficult. The little time I had for myself, I completely lost because we adopted a puppy. I had too much to take care of and was feeling awful.

It's not contradictory, it's just so difficult to do things perfectly for so long, especially without any break. We've not had a single day of rest this whole time.

I stepped back because I was dying inside. I was still there everyday with her, but doing much less because of my health. Now I deeply regret not having pushed myself harder and not foreseeing anymore that she could die any time. I would have done better if I was thinking straight, but I had lost that capacity to see clearly.

It doesn't change the fact that taking care of her was the right thing to do. The regrets and guilt I have are exactly for that reason… for the times where I failed to take good care of her.

2 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

Sorry for your loss. Condolences to you and your family.

Thank you.

[integral]

If it’s any consolation morphine feels really really good. She likely felt at piece during most of the decline. 

[Hojo]

Your grandmother is always with you in your imagination and then when you die she will be there. She just went behind the curtain.

[Clarence]

4 hours ago, integral said:

If it’s any consolation morphine feels really really good. She likely felt at piece during most of the decline. 

We don't know… she had side effects which were rare and after three days we decided to stop it to replace it with another painkiller because we were worried about her reaction.

But a day later, she was feeling a lot of pain because the doctors gave her medecine to take orally while she could not properly digest and swallow anymore. They should have been given her drugs intraveinously only.

It was terrible to see her suffer during that period, with nothing we could do because the nurses and the on-call doctor that came were so incompetent. He did not even recognize the signs that she was near the end of her life. He thought that she needed to go to the bathroom, and that she should start getting her cognitive capacity back after that… while all her organs were starting to fail, starting with the kidneys.

Once again… we didn't do the right thing because we were completely misguided. We know a lot about what was happening now, but then, we didn't know. Though, the doctors and nurses should have known.

In the end, she just had a swollen leg. We feel like we precipitated her death starting morphine, while it wasn't our intention at all. Only the last 4-6 hours, when we gave her morphine one last time, were a bit more peaceful, but she was completely unconscious then.

 

It's really hard to know how she felt overall…

Edited August 3 by Clarence

[Clarence]

4 hours ago, Hojo said:

Your grandmother is always with you in your imagination and then when you die she will be there. She just went behind the curtain.

Thanks. We'll see. But the truth is that we don't exactly know what happens after death. Maybe it's confusing to die in such a way with all the drugs and such a rapid, unexpected, decline. I really wonder how she experienced all this…

Maybe she still wanted to stay with us, but we performed all the wrong actions for her to die.

Though now, I'm really curious to go through my own death. So you're right. That's one of the thoughts that give me peace. I want to know what happens, at least for me. But it's a bit depressing that I might need to wait 60 years or more if I were to die of old age :'(

[integral]

6 hours ago, Clarence said:

We don't know… she had side effects which were rare and after three days we decided to stop it to replace it with another painkiller because we were worried about her reaction.

But a day later, she was feeling a lot of pain because the doctors gave her medecine to take orally while she could not properly digest and swallow anymore. They should have been given her drugs intraveinously only.

It was terrible to see her suffer during that period, with nothing we could do because the nurses and the on-call doctor that came were so incompetent. He did not even recognize the signs that she was near the end of her life. He thought that she needed to go to the bathroom, and that she should start getting her cognitive capacity back after that… while all her organs were starting to fail, starting with the kidneys.

Once again… we didn't do the right thing because we were completely misguided. We know a lot about what was happening now, but then, we didn't know. Though, the doctors and nurses should have known.

In the end, she just had a swollen leg. We feel like we precipitated her death starting morphine, while it wasn't our intention at all. Only the last 4-6 hours, when we gave her morphine one last time, were a bit more peaceful, but she was completely unconscious then.

 

It's really hard to know how she felt overall…

❤ I can see how that can be traumatic, it's going to take some time to pass to process what has happened in a healthy way. In the bigger picture your grandmother received a fairly good passing. From health to death in 5 days is a blessing for many at her age. My grandfather went 15 years under the most intensive suffering possible and there was no real solution or understanding from the people around him. Eventually a doctor pulled the plug and allowed him to die while the entire family tried to keep him alive longer, he was ready to die 15 years ago.

Another point is after death it's complete freedom and Victory. Everything that has happened is accepted as a grand cosmic beauty. As a metaphor the experience your grandmother is currently having is complete Love. 

Edited August 3 by integral

[Clarence]

@Lila9 Thank you for your nice words. It's really sweet and brings some comfort...

[Clarence]

22 hours ago, integral said:

❤ I can see how that can be traumatic, it's going to take some time to pass to process what has happened in a healthy way. In the bigger picture your grandmother received a fairly good passing. From health to death in 5 days is a blessing for many at her age. My grandfather went 15 years under the most intensive suffering possible and there was no real solution or understanding from the people around him. Eventually a doctor pulled the plug and allowed him to die while the entire family tried to keep him alive longer, he was ready to die 15 years ago.

I'm sorry to hear for your grandfather. That's really though that it lasted so long for him. 

Indeed, it could have been worse for her, but it also could have been much better, so it's still hard to accept.

You're right that it will take time. It's been two weeks already and it's still hard to fully realize or believe that she has passed. The mind is so shocked it can't properly process the information. It is such a weird state to be in.

22 hours ago, integral said:

Another point is after death it's complete freedom and Victory. Everything that has happened is accepted as a grand cosmic beauty. As a metaphor the experience your grandmother is currently having is complete Love. 

Hopefully, it is the case for her… though I still have no certainty about that. I hope it is the case, but I don't have any way to be sure of it right now.

When I was at the funeral home the day after she passed, I could feel a lot of love and energy in the room. I felt at home near her, as I had promised that I would stay by her side to the end. That energy stayed with me for some time after, but then it passed.

I don't know to which extent I created this energy or actually perceived it.

I don't think it is a guarantee that all souls experience complete love and freedom after they pass. Maybe that's what happens to all, but also, maybe not. Perhaps the transition from life to death is harder for some. So I hope her current path is not too hard now, and that she indeed experienced, or is experiencing, that complete love and freedom…