I don't have any friends and it's becoming a problem

[1337]

Greetings to everyone.

I haven't had any irl friends for the last 3 years. I met someone on reddit 5 months ago. We talked on reddit for 2 months. By the beginning of the 2nd month, she wasn't writing much and seemed to have lost interest. She usually gave short answers and sometimes did not write for 2 days. So I closed my reddit account and stopped talking. I had no contact with anyone again for the next 3 months. I happened to look at her reddit account 3 days ago, and after I closed my account, she also stopped being active on reddit. Her last message was from 3 months ago. I wrote to her again from a new account, thinking that maybe we could chat like before again. Even though she had not been active for 3 months, she responded within 12 hours and we talked a lot. Then after a while our conversation got stuck again. She seemed to be brushing it off and I stopped talking. I feel like I'm empty right now. Maybe it was stupid of me to write to her again. But I thought maybe everything would be the same as before. She was the only person I talked to and I was having fun. I don't know what I should do now. My school is on summer break and I have hardly left the house for 2 months. I don't talk to anyone from school either. It feels very bad not to communicate with anyone. What do you think I should do now? What should my road map be? I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. I'll be in 11th grade next year and I don't want to be an antisocial person sitting in the back row all day.

[BlueOak]

Friends come about by spending time with groups of people and developing relationships. Then, after hours (across different days) of getting to know someone, invite them out to something they or you enjoy and see if there is a friendship beyond the activity you both attend.

This is easiest done when relating by doing an activity, or hobby. Pick two and attend them weekly. You may just make acquaintances, or you may make friendships. If after several weeks you've not made a friend, pick different activities or hobbies in your area. At worst you've expanded the experiences you've had in life and tried different things.

Friendships happen to you because of many hours of shared experience, so that's what you need to do. This can happen through work, school, hobbies, or sometimes if you are fortunate enough, areas in your locality that the locals visit often.

Edited July 31, 2024 by BlueOak

[Princess Arabia]

Go out and talk to people. Have social anxiety? Look up how to solve it. Done. 

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYp_hBqPbuA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERap8i3qpCw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7ghrUIiyzM
https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-make-friends-master-key-new-friendships

[Sugarcoat]

School is your best bet it’s harder outside of school to make friends. Chat people up and if you have social anxiety challenge it. So I did in high school and I managed to get a few friends and people I could talk to

[bambi]

6 hours ago, 1337 said:

Greetings to everyone.

I haven't had any irl friends for the last 3 years. I met someone on reddit 5 months ago. We talked on reddit for 2 months. By the beginning of the 2nd month, she wasn't writing much and seemed to have lost interest. She usually gave short answers and sometimes did not write for 2 days. So I closed my reddit account and stopped talking. I had no contact with anyone again for the next 3 months. I happened to look at her reddit account 3 days ago, and after I closed my account, she also stopped being active on reddit. Her last message was from 3 months ago. I wrote to her again from a new account, thinking that maybe we could chat like before again. Even though she had not been active for 3 months, she responded within 12 hours and we talked a lot. Then after a while our conversation got stuck again. She seemed to be brushing it off and I stopped talking. I feel like I'm empty right now. Maybe it was stupid of me to write to her again. But I thought maybe everything would be the same as before. She was the only person I talked to and I was having fun. I don't know what I should do now. My school is on summer break and I have hardly left the house for 2 months. I don't talk to anyone from school either. It feels very bad not to communicate with anyone. What do you think I should do now? What should my road map be? I feel like I'm in an impossible situation. I'll be in 11th grade next year and I don't want to be an antisocial person sitting in the back row all day.

Hey you need to find some clubs/societies or groups with friendly welcoming positive role models. There are websites like meetup.com, or chess clubs etc etc Toastmasters is also good.  Anywhere you can congregate with other humans in a positive supportive encouraging and welcoming environment can be very good for you. This would be my advice

[gambler]

I've been friendless for the most part in the past 10 years. No one texts or calls me except my dad. 

This is how I get by with getting my socializing needs met. In real life, it's limited to small talk with co-workers because we have nothing in common and they aren't looking for a friendship. And online it's through discord servers, twitch streams, twitter and on a message board like this one. That does the trick for me. Maybe you can find a friend online, but I don't know, I haven't made a single friend online. Maybe you'll just be stuck chatting it up with people and it never materializes past acquainted strangers but at least you're getting human interaction. And that's better than nothing. 

[1337]

@gambler I hope that in the future I will not be in the social situation you are in now. Internet friendships are like pornography, you don't want to be 45 and still watch porn, and this is similar.

@bambi Your advices are very good, but in Turkey, platforms such as Meetup are only used by religious groups for missionary activities And chess clubs are also insincere organizations that aim for profit. Most general social groups are religious or sect-based.

@Sugarcoat I used to have social anxiety, but I don't think I have it now. Now I can talk to people easily. But it seems like all friendships have been established within 2 years at school and people are not very open to making new friends. Still, I will try my luck when school starts this year. But I usually don't get along with people. Things that most people enjoy seem like suffering.

@Raze I will watch the videos you linked (seriously). Thank you

@Princess Arabia I don't have social anxiety (really). But I still don't like environments with too many people. But I think I can't get along with people. Even the things we laugh at with the people around me are different. Since I don't use social media, I don't understand most of the conversations. But the people around me generally talk about very empty things.

@BlueOak Actually, the problem is that there is no group that I can invite or join to something new. There are almost 0 people around me right now. If I don't count my family, there are 0 people. I have hobbies that I do now, but they are all individual things. There is no community of people around me that I can join.

[Sugarcoat]

1 minute ago, 1337 said:

 I used to have social anxiety, but I don't think I have it now. Now I can talk to people easily. But it seems like all friendships have been established within 2 years at school and people are not very open to making new friends. Still, I will try my luck when school starts this year. But I usually don't get along with people. Things that most people enjoy seem like suffering.

I know what you mean I experienced the same kinda. But school is still your best bet, sometimes people are more open to new people than one thinks. I used to get invited to things and people would try to include me sometimes even if I was a bit outside, so take any opportunity you get. You can probably find something in common, even if you’re different, while still maintaining your authenticity 

[BlueOak]

13 minutes ago, 1337 said:

 

@BlueOak Actually, the problem is that there is no group that I can invite or join to something new. There are almost 0 people around me right now. If I don't count my family, there are 0 people. I have hobbies that I do now, but they are all individual things. There is no community of people around me that I can join.

At first, I replied as if you were at work not school. School is still your best bet, but not everyone makes good friends at school. Rather than worry what's wrong with you for too long, meet more people and make an effort. These sorts of social skills come with practice.

I live in an isolated village so I know the difficulty.  There are trains and buses. Maybe get a part-time job, or a cheap method of transport.  Even if you are distant, you could do an electric bike for transportation or a regular bicycle, alternatively, i'm not sure what the laws are around you for cheap mopeds. 

I joined a writing group, for example, and met people. You have to get out and do it. These experiences don't come to you. You have to make the effort to approach situations, hobbies, groups of people, and places to hang out.

Right now it sucks because many of the easy hangouts are dying off. When I was growing up there were more places you could go. Places still exist but you have to google for groups in your area, or just hobbies, activities, or clubs you've thought about or that complement your interests.

Even if you really don't want to try anything new, and are, for example anti-social, you still do things with your time, and those are things others will want to do too. For example, at LAN parties, I used to love them, and they were alongside computer nerds just like me. 

I used to be popular at school for being one of the guys that got people together interested in going out. I even turned that skill into a small business opportunity by organizing a club night with a DJ and bouncer. It just took asking people, many young people like to do things so it wasn't hard, I even got them selling the tickets for a %, free drinks, or a free ticket.

Edited August 1, 2024 by BlueOak

[Princess Arabia]

@1337This is not a criticism nor is it a judgement. It's simply an observation on my part and I could be wrong, but this is what I think based on all your responses.

You really don't want any friends. Deep down you don't, but your mind is telling you that you should. Just about every response, you gave an excuse or a reason or justification as to why whatever was suggested wouldn't work. Even in your OP, you self-sabotaged, I think, and found a way to make that stop. You even said, you stopped talking. She reached out to you twice, according to you, but somehow it ended; and you said nothing that would have caused that to end other than deep down you didn't want to be bothered (imo). 

Look at all your responses. Take a deep look. They are mostly "buts" and criticism of how people are and why you don't have friends. Even your response to Raze was a "seriously" at the end, trying to convince yourself to watch the videos. This is just my observation and going by what I've learnt about how the mind works and also that most questions asked, or problems put forward that are looking for advice already have the answers within them; and that most people are just looking for iteration of their existing thoughts about their situation and are not really looking for a solution, even if they don't consciously know this, Your case just seems like a classic and fits perfectly into this.

Like I said I could be wrong, but I have a strong inclination that I'm not. You don't know this right off the bat so I'm not saying you're aware of this, I'm putting this out there so you can consciously take a step back and be the witness and examine your situation to see if what I'm saying may really be the case. 

Do you really want friends or are you trying to put forth to your own mind why you don't have any and to see if anyone can say something to change your mind about wanting friends and convince you as to why you should go out and pursue this endeavor. I think that's the real reason behind the post, "can anyone convince me as to why I should have friends". That seems to be the dilemma you have found yourself in and that's why you call it a problem. All your responses, to me, screams this. 

Edit: Fun fact - go back and count all the times you used the word "but" in your responses, this is the dead giveaway to what I'm pointing to, Imo.

Edited August 1, 2024 by Princess Arabia

[Keryo Koffa]

4 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

It's simply an observation on my part and I could be wrong, but this is what I think based on all your responses.

@Princess Arabia Am I tripping on synchronicities or does this remind me of a certain other post in the type of responses?

4 hours ago, Princess Arabia said:

Do you really want friends or are you trying to put forth to your own mind why you don't have any and to see if anyone can say something to change your mind about wanting friends and convince you as to why you should go out and pursue this endeavor.

I generally agree, since it flows from the following, albeit with a caveat, since there's more to it:

5 hours ago, 1337 said:

I don't have social anxiety. I think I can't get along since the people around me generally talk about very empty things.

The problem is that there is no group that I can invite to something new, no community of people around I can join.

The way I see it @1337 is looking not for some random after-school activity fun or to waste the summer until his friends disappear to college, but for more meaningful and hobby/activity/(LP even) driven groups, he's trying to find out how to find people on his frequency, rather than adjust to social environments, because he sees no point in that. And I get that building friendships is a slow process and you gotta start somewhere, but let's be honest, if you're in for the serious work, you go to Leo, not a music festival, and it seems that's what he's going for, just in the form of friends and relationships.

To which I would say, get really good at whatever you wanna do, your life purpose and then become known for it and you will automatically attract individuals to vibe with.

[Princess Arabia]

8 minutes ago, Keryo Koffa said:

I generally agree, since it flows from the following, albeit with a caveat, since there's more to it:

I've noticed this a lot. Someone would ask for advice on something or state they're having a problem with something and every response they receive they would rebut or give reasons why it wouldn't work; and sometimes even go as far as to give their own solutions to their problem or dilemma.  Most people aren't looking at first to solve their issue but for other people to agree with them that it is indeed a problem, then they rebuke the advices then the problem just dissolves after the attention is  taken away from it and another problem arises out of thin air to be solved. It's like a never ending cycle.  

[Schizophonia]

Do activities that you enjoy.

[Keryo Koffa]

@Princess Arabia I did (maybe still do actually, oops) follow a similar path from time to time (maybe too often 😅)

It's like talking to yourself but more extroverted lol. After all, we all keep saying the answers already exist within!

There are tons of concepts about this in Psychology/Psychoanalysis: Non-Judgemental/Active/Reflective Listening

But it's really about understanding, meeting someone where they're at, mirroring and engaging base assumptions

This is really what we're on this forum for (ego-death/transcendence/awakening/understanding/bias awareness)

When I ask ChatGPT a question, I hope for a short answer to think about and follow up with more questions myself

[BlueOak]

52 minutes ago, Keryo Koffa said:

The way I see it @1337 is looking not for some random after-school activity fun or to waste the summer until his friends disappear to college, but for more meaningful and hobby/activity/(LP even) driven groups, he's trying to find out how to find people on his frequency, rather than adjust to social environments, because he sees no point in that

1, People don't start off friends, they start off as acquaintances. You have to put the time in to get to know them and relate to them.

2, You have to go to places where people are to meet them, they don't come to you, not unless you are the one organizing the event/night/club whatever it is where you plan to meet them.

3, Its difficult to be good friends with someone who isn't on your frequency. You can relate through the activity you are doing, talking to them but relating to them in a meaningful and fulfilling way is hard beyond that, that's why you use the activity as a social focal point. That sort of overthinking you are doing takes care of itself. Meaning things go beyond that activity or not naturally depending on how you get on.

Edited August 1, 2024 by BlueOak

[Schizophonia]

If you don't have friends it's because you don't want to, why don't you want friends ?

Myself i don't have lots of fiends, and themself neither lmao, we essentially talk on Discord.

[MarkKol]

As an adult you probably need like 5-10 close friends in your entire life, forget about your little internet friends and e-girls, that shit will never be real or genuine. 

[BlueOak]

I also realised something I needed to add as I think I made it sound more difficult than it is. With enough effort or time you can relate to anyone; its just a question of whether they/you want to for longer periods. I think that's a better way of putting it than I did above.

[Princess Arabia]

1 hour ago, MarkKol said:

As an adult you probably need like 5-10 close friends in your entire life, forget about your little internet friends and e-girls, that shit will never be real or genuine. 

That's such a limited way of thinking. You have put friendship inside a box and have preconceived  notions of how it should present itself and under what conditions. You said "never", which made it even more limiting. Your constructed little house is finished and you have moved in with no intentions of moving out. You have blocked the Universe from sending you it's gifts and you will not recognize them when they are staring you in the face. The Universe is what invented the internet and it is there to be used for all walks of life including sustainable long-term quality relationships. You never know.

3 hours ago, Keryo Koffa said: