Synonymy

Buck Edwards · July 31

What I gather is this.

Yes this question comes to my mind very often.

The answer is all about strong intent.

Psychic intelligence when cultivated really strong helps you to smell intent even from far.

The second thing is to not trust easily.

The third is time. Time tells you everything you need to know. Time is the great revealer.

You also need to test commitment and loyalty in your own unique way.

Edited July 31 by Buck Edwards

Buck Edwards · July 31

On 19/07/2024 at 1:51 AM, Buck Edwards said:

The world cannot be spiritual because then it won't aid survival It's about the absolute versus the relative. They don't meet. They are at odds.

The whole kumbaya thing only happens in dreams.

The divine self needs another divine self. The divine value needs another divine value. The divine heart needs another divine heart. The divine world needs another divine world, not this materialistic world. This world is an antithesis to Divinity, the sooner you realize this, the better.. That's why you feel neglected, poached and roughed up and judged.

Your needs would be met immediately if you were living in a divine world that seeks the virtues of the soul rather than the body. Now if you walked into a temple and said these things, they would mock you, because this language of the soul they do not understand. They can't relate.

On 19/07/2024 at 2:06 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Now understand this.

You can't be someone who supports the truth but also wants material pleasures. Because you can't have both. Material pleasures don't go with the truth.

You can't in the same breath support the truth and also support money and all the materialistic selfish views of the world because by principle they are very different.

So people who support the truth can't work under a selfish dishonest boss. They will give up. They will speak the truth and they will be silenced or fired.

You can't be a selfish cold hearted business minded person and also worship love and empathy at the same time. You can't have both. Because if you truly wanted love and empathy you wouldn't be running your scam business in a cold hearted way. If you were truly Empathetic you would give up the ways of the world.

You can't be a cold psychopath (I'm not talking about psychopath criminals here), and also want love and charity in this world. Because they are opposite things. They don't go together. A charitable person cannot become a psychopath. A psychopath cannot be a charitable person. You cannot have 2 in 1 here.

On 19/07/2024 at 2:12 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Be around supportive people. It's a huge boost to self esteem.

Learn to cut out people who don't serve your purpose. Brutal truth.

Its not about self love. It's simply about cultivating general love within yourself. This love will then water the plants of your body and mind.

It's about cultivating love to heal deeply from inside. Inner child trauma work as well for those that feel unloved and for those who want organic healing.

On 19/07/2024 at 2:33 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Be a family "anthropologist"

In anxiety-producing situations, sometimes the best course is simply to observe. One way to do this is to approach a family holiday visit like an anthropologist.

Observe. How do people address or greet others? How do people express needs or feelings? What are the norms and apparent expectations? What do you notice about this particular “tribe” you are visiting? What feels healthy and unhealthy?

The great thing about research projects like this is that anything that happens is data from which you can learn. You can write your observations in a journal for later processing on your own, or with a trusted friend or therapist. By observing others, you take the attention, and thus the pressure, off yourself.

On 19/07/2024 at 3:09 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I should keep a time log.

On 20/07/2024 at 9:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

One spiritual practice is divine connection. Connection with the divine. In some manner or form. Connection with the wellspring of hope and beauty and fundamental goodness and healing.

Meditation is not about curing your problems like weight loss. It increases the breath of what you can take in. It's about love and being centered. This does not take away suffering but offers meaning in the middle of suffering. Gives you something to know that is good despite all the bad. It's like an old photo of your dead dog that brings comfort in sadness. It is that that brings groundedness in chaos. In knowing that good always exists fundamentally.

On 20/07/2024 at 10:05 AM, Buck Edwards said:

On 20/07/2024 at 10:27 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Time.

Right now I downloaded the mobikwik app. It's great for money transfer. I'll go grocery shopping. I have a lot on my plate these days. Too many thoughts to write down.

On 20/07/2024 at 10:46 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm doing pretty good now by God's grace. It's all God's grace. I need to check on my health. My family is far away right now.

I wore a stunning necklace on my shopping trip. And a pretty dress and earrings.

I've been preparing for a test in the meanwhile.

On 20/07/2024 at 11:05 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My IQ test score was 87. Impressively low.

I'm looking into ways of upping my score.

So many recent changes and I'm hardly able to keep up.

I like that post.

On 20/07/2024 at 11:45 AM, Buck Edwards said:

In whispers soft and starlight gleam, A love for you, a whispered dream. Your smile, a sun that melts the cold, A warmth within my heart to hold.

Your eyes, a depth where stars reside, A universe where I confide. Your touch, a feather, light and kind, A calming peace I long to find.

With every beat, my heart says true, My endless love, forever for you. Through laughter's chime and tears that fall, You're all I need, my love, my all.

First I have to tell myself that it's completely okay to not respond.

I have to see the value in myself. Constant suffering can be a problem. But it's getting alright. Forums can be echo chambers. I'm somehow getting there through scattered light although I've been a bit slow. My biggest question was - how to increase IQ?......+thats something I'm really focused on.

I have noticed that security and safety are my biggest challenges.

I need to focus on positive aspects.

I want to think of beautiful things.

I think when I'm not at my emotional best, I usually sink into a slump.

This usually happens when I wake up from a nap. I can feel terrible. As though a lot of time passed.

On 20/07/2024 at 0:48 PM, Buck Edwards said:

First thing I wanna do is add that amazing song to my morning playlist and have a morning energizing playlist.

Then I want to imagine that I'm having a spiritually enriched life.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

On 20/07/2024 at 1:06 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think when I'm not at my emotional best, I usually sink into a slump.

This usually happens when I wake up from a nap. I can feel terrible. As though a lot of time passed.

Just finished my psychiatric appointment. I was nervous. She did not complain about my behavior. She felt I'm improving.

Hair disheveled.

Maybe I'm attracted to stronger dominating personalities.

On 20/07/2024 at 1:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Real enlightenment is very loving, caring and freeing. It's very protective. It has an aura to it. Have you seen Eckhart Tolle, Sadhguru or Adyashanti. They don't go around telling people they are wrong or make them feel unwelcome. God's doors are open to everyone. There is no high quality and no low quality or prostitute or saint or victim or ideal person or high class or low class, rich poor in front of the Ultimate. That's what enlightenment is supposed to be. How do I know this? Because my country India has a long tradition of enlightened saints. And they don't read books. They live in people. They practice compassion. They are practically egoless and you almost begin to feel that egolessness in their presence. You feel uplifted and you start crying happy tears because of the unusual aura they emanate. You feel like you met your maker. You don't feel judged or labeled or tagged or broken or criminalized. In front of such enlightened saints even a criminal will lose his intent to commit wrong. They bring such transformation by their presence alone. Just giving an example, because I haven't spent a lot of time with them since I have my life too and I will have to give up society in order to practically live with them and that's a good plan but not possible right now for me. Enlightenment makes you like water, water is even given to a criminal.. If you are truly enlightened from within, you'll be able to be compassionate even to the worst criminal in the world and not judge them. It's almost Christ like. An aura, a presence so powerful it will shake you in ecstasy. What you see on this forum is a hierarchy of moderators and members, a cult like environment, power show, system of rules and judgement. This is bullshit and bastardization of Indian concepts and non-duality and the wrongful application of such valuable concepts and their wrongful embodiment. This is not how it's practiced in our country at all. This is done to appease western audiences and completely changed its meaning and embodiment. There is no hierarchy in enlightenment and non duality, there is no power or judgement. There is no politics of favor and disfavor. This is some shady use of non duality I have seen. Now I'm in no way claiming that I am enlightened master in any way, I'm far from such a beautiful transformation myself because it needs intense committment and giving up of material stuff and ego and I'm still attached to the materialness of life and I'm still attached to my ego and pride too. What I'm saying is that real enlightenment in my country in my witness and my observation is loving and soothing and drastically different from what I witness being preached here. Real enlightenment will make you forget that you or another exist. There will be zero judgement or form or shape or anything.

Conversely, it's a bit tough to come back to normal human social life after reaching there because it's very difficult to reverse egolessness and you might lose the motivation to live normal or go to the gym or even get a degree or job.. So namaste with that.

What do I care about?

Right now.

On 20/07/2024 at 7:05 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Franz Kafka (1883-1924), who never married and had no children, was walking through a park one day in Berlin when he met a girl who was crying because she had lost her favourite doll. She and Kafka searched for the doll unsuccessfully.

Kafka told her to meet him there the next day and they would come back to look for her.

The next day, when they had not yet found the doll, Kafka gave the girl a letter "written" by the doll saying "please don't cry. I took a trip to see the world. I will write to you about my adventures."

Thus began a story which continued until the end of Kafka's life.

During their meetings, Kafka read the letters of the doll carefully written with adventures and conversations that the girl found adorable.

Finally, Kafka brought back the doll (he bought one) that had returned to Berlin.

"It doesn't look like my doll at all," said the girl.

Kafka handed her another letter in which the doll wrote: "my travels have changed me." The little girl hugged the new doll and brought the doll with her to her happy home.

A year later Kafka died.

Many years later, the now-adult girl found a letter inside the doll. In the tiny letter signed by Kafka it was written:

"Everything you love will probably be lost, but in the end, love will return in another way."!!!!!!

On 21/07/2024 at 8:12 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have to learn basic Greetings in German.

On 22/07/2024 at 6:54 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm looking into productivity principles. Today I was too exhausted.

On 22/07/2024 at 6:56 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I drank a lot of coke just to deal with the stress.

On 22/07/2024 at 8:21 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I experienced AP and it was terrible. I saw my soul leaving my body and getting separated and it was a terrible experience. I have no idea what induced it but I have lucid dreamt a few times. I don't remember the context. But the soul began departing. I have experienced sleep paralysis before and this was different from that, much more intense, almost repulsive and felt like death. It can be considered similar to nde. I kept begging for the soul to be returned and eventually after some torment it was returned. It was a nasty experience. It felt ethereal for few minutes but I wanted my material existence to be given back to me. It showed how attached I am. This was my first experiencing this. I have APied before but not so intense. This was one hell of a thing. I was breathless and then regained my breath once the spirit came back in my body. It was stupid of it to leave like that in the middle of me living life. I don't know how to feel about it. It's just one of the series of paranormal experiences in my life.

On 22/07/2024 at 9:01 PM, Buck Edwards said:

A new insight popped in my mind this morning. And it's about emotions. Try to rationalize how you spend your time in negative emotions. Ask yourself this "what could I have achieved in the time I spent feeling this negative emotion? " Write at least 4 things you could have done in the time frame you spent feeling bad for yourself. This will shift how you spend your time and make you more aware of what you could do with your time. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't allow yourself to experience negative emotions. By all means let your Self experience anything and everything it can in the moment. But just an insight to steer your ship every time you're distracted from your goal. A good way of knowing what you can and could have done.

On 22/07/2024 at 9:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Empath

Compassion

Holistic living - not putting junk food in your body

Being in tune with nature

Positivity

Power of prayer

Resilience building

Grounding

Intuition work

Soulwork

Dream interpretation

Shadow work

Morality - good versus evil

Consciousness

Conscience

Self awareness

Forgiveness and non judgement

Wholeness and infinity

Abundance

Honest self expression

Being your authentic self

Power of the subconscious

Heart mind unity

Staying Balanced

Understanding Human nature

Maslow's hierarchy of needs

Chakra method

Different kinds of meditation

Contemplative insight work

Devotion

Attachment and Detachment

Emotional regulation

Emotional expression

Self inquiry

Repetition of a sacred phrase

Alignment with the divine purpose is also a form of prayer

All non duality is love

Love is the greatest sacred intent

Happiness is key

Bringing divine power into our lives

Divine Healing

How to grow and upgrade spiritually

Spiritual unwinding

Spiritual wisdom

Wellspring or Sacred Fountain

Love

On 22/07/2024 at 9:21 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have experienced sleep paralysis too.

On 23/07/2024 at 2:37 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I woke up in the middle of the night. Didn't experience any nightmares which is good. It's 2.34 am. I barely slept. I shouldn't be eating. I need to work on my breath. That's most important. Just do simple stuff.

On 23/07/2024 at 10:31 AM, Buck Edwards said:

On 23/07/2024 at 10:33 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Recently I have been taking interest in this channel.

On 23/07/2024 at 10:33 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I believe in the law of attraction.

On 25/07/2024 at 7:14 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Our dream home should be somewhere in the woods probably.

On 25/07/2024 at 7:32 AM, Buck Edwards said:

What did I do to spiritually unwind today?

What activity did I do to enhance my intellectual growth?

What activity did I do to upgrade myself emotionally and psychologically?

How is my routine schedule and what did I do to upgrade my productivity today?

How did I heal myself today?

How did I discern a situation today?

How did I enhance my intuition today?

On 25/07/2024 at 7:47 AM, Buck Edwards said:

On 25/07/2024 at 7:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Positive affirmations about my life

I'm flourishing

   I'm thriving

    I'm doing better

     My life is going great

My life is happy

My life is enriched.

My life is beautiful

My life is deeply spiritual

    My life is intuitively developing and thriving

    My life is energy supported

My life has divine force

My life is colorful and creative, holistic and organic

     My life is hot and happening

My life is full of life.

On 25/07/2024 at 8:04 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I decided to modify the Chakra system a bit and created my own Chakra system that takes human psyche into account.

This is an illustration of my new spiritual model I plan to follow in my life.

Chakra system that I have invented on the basis of the human psyche and it's parts.

Ground Chakra.

Physical/Biological - Chemistry based.

Sexual - structural and chemical based

Mental/Somatic - Structural and Chemical based.

Productivity Chakra

Psychological - instinct and psyche based.

Cultural - environment based.

Cognitive - Intellect based.

Emotional Chakra

Emotional - instinct based. Feeling based.

Pali Chakra

Spiritual - extra sensory based.

Henceforth I'll use this system for my personal development and spirituality.

I call it the Pali Chakra system. In the image, the ground chakra is represented by a pyramid or a solid structure. This is to represent the structural component of our existence. The middle axis is the spiritual component that governs all other components and i call it Pali (named after Pali language). The emotional component is represented by a bunch of sentimental letters. The productivity component is represented by the Aztec cultural symbol.

On 25/07/2024 at 8:20 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I love my husband deeply. He is what I think of all the time. I miss him when he is not around. My life has become much more beautiful and colorful after my husband has entered my life. I waited two years for him to come to me. Finally I can be at peace. He is everything I have wanted. A healthy clarity fulfilling relationship that I was looking for such a long time. Patience bears it's fruit after all. Now waits patiently for him.

On 25/07/2024 at 8:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I don't think I want to divulge too much about my personal life.

On 25/07/2024 at 8:45 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I love you deeply my husband. You're the love of my life. Everyday is a happy day with you. You brought a breath of fresh air into my life. You have changed me in better ways. You have taught me the value of love. You are my husband. You are my angel. What could I ask for more?

On 25/07/2024 at 11:12 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I love you deeply my husband. You're the love of my life. Everyday is a happy day with you. You brought a breath of fresh air into my life. You have changed me in better ways. You have taught me the value of love. You are my husband. You are my angel. What could I ask for more?

On 25/07/2024 at 11:33 AM, Buck Edwards said:

On 25/07/2024 at 11:34 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Lot of things I am falling behind on. Two learning courses that I need to be finishing. One is German language. Learning a foreign language is not easy. But I'm trying and making some progress.

On 25/07/2024 at 3:52 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I should focus on a strict time table.

On 25/07/2024 at 3:53 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Today my lunch was awesome.. A salmon, a pomfret and soya chunk curry.

On 25/07/2024 at 3:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

It will make me feel more organized and complete. I'm already happy. I don't think I'm looking for happiness. But I needed a model that will combine both physical and spiritual growth because physical growth is sometimes shunned in spiritual communities or made to look like it's too materialistic. So I studied the human psyche and came up with this particular formula of how the human system operates in tandem with spirituality.

Physical/Biological - Chemistry based.

Sexual - structural and chemical based

Mental/Somatic - Structural and Chemical based.

Psychological - instinct and psyche based.

Cultural - environment based.

Cognitive - Intellect based.

Emotional - instinct based. Feeling based.

Spiritual - extra sensory based.

After writing the different structural (that is organs for example sexual organs and organs necessary for survival like lungs or liver), chemical (enzymes and hormones), biological instincts, human psyche instincts (for example the instinct of withdrawing from something dangerous or unpleasant or the instinct to determine right from wrong meaning cognitive instincts), somatic instincts like sweating or hyper alert under stress, cultural factors like certain cultures allowing more space for natural pure expression of human emotions than others, emotions and the entire range of human emotions and finally spiritual where paranormal instincts can be involved for example extra sensory perception, both paranormal and supernatural phenomena combined with human spiritual practices that might be amplifying any spiritual phenomenon like a near death experience etc. I found that outside this model theres nothing left that a human experiences. Then I realized that my model bore a resemblance to the Maslows hierarchy of needs and the Chakra system too. So I modified it slightly to fit my model. This model takes every human factor into account. Hopefully nothing is left out. Following this model or framework for growth means complete all encompassing growth. So I find this model more wholesome.

On 25/07/2024 at 4:00 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Healing. Tranformation. Vulnerability. Action. Embodiment. Execution. Implementation. Alignment. Absorption. Activation. Vibration. Contentment. Connection.

On 25/07/2024 at 4:01 PM, Buck Edwards said:

This covers different aspects of spirituality.

On 25/07/2024 at 4:02 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Configuration. The configuration of the system is an important step. Next is evolvmemt. This involves the productivity and emotional Chakra. And next is planning. You gotta plan your spiritual activities. You need to make room for it. Developing and honing spiritual instinct. This is the hardest. Healing and transformation.

Configuration

Evolvmemt

Planning

Healing. Tranformation. Vulnerability. Action. Embodiment. Execution. Implementation. Alignment. Absorption. Activation. Vibration. Contentment. Connection.

On 25/07/2024 at 6:05 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Notes.

Preparing for my English test.

Whats the difference between meditation, retrospection, reflection and introspection.

Whats an allegory?

a story, poem, or picture that can be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning, typically a moral or political one.

"Pilgrim's Progress is an allegory of the spiritual journey"

What is a memoir vs. biography?

Simply put, a biography is the life history of an individual, written by someone else. An autobiography is the story of a person's life, written by that person. And a memoir is a collection of memories written by the person themselves.

On 25/07/2024 at 7:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

You have to do the best that you can with whatever you have.

Content

Excited

Optimistic

Cheerful

Satisfied

Disappointed

Hopeless

Hurt

Irritated

Hostile

Annoyed

Resentful

Insecure

Nervous

Uncomfortable

Amazed

Confused

Startled

Shocked

Stunned

Overwhelmed

Loving

Trusting

Caring

Intimate

Thoughtful

Sensitive

Compassionate

Joyful

Fearful

Scared

Worried

Terrified

Furious

Ashamed

Lonely

Grieving

Buck Edwards · July 31

On 25/07/2024 at 8:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Either create or accept.

Every minute we create reality. Dive deeper. What is it that you can repair?

Sometimes nothing.

In a minute, everything is silence. Everything is beautiful.

Humanity is karma. Karma is the energy of creation.

I'm shifting between states of consciousness.

On 25/07/2024 at 8:46 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Positive affirmations list.

1.Asking for help is a sign of self-respect and self-awareness.

2. Changing my mind is a strength, not a weakness.

3. Every decision I make is supported by my whole and inarguable experience.

4. I affirm and encourage others, as I do myself.

5. I alone hold the truth of who I am.

6. I am allowed to ask for what I want and what I need.

7. I am allowed to feel good.

8. I am capable of balancing ease and effort in my life.

9. I am complete as I am, others simply support me.

10. I am content and free from pain.

11. I am doing the work that works for me.

12. I am good and getting better.

13. I am growing and I am going at my own pace.

14. I am held and supported by those who love me.

15. I am in charge of how I feel and I choose to feel happy.

16. I am listening and open to the messages the universe has to offer today.

17. I am loved and worthy.

18. I am more than my circumstances dictate.

19. I am open to healing.

20. I am optimistic because today is a new day.

21. I am peaceful and whole.

22. I am proof enough of who I am and what I deserve.

23. I am responsible for myself, and I start there.

24. I am safe and surrounded by love and support.

25. I am still learning so it’s okay to make mistakes.

26. I am understood and my perspective is important.

27. I am valued and helpful.

28. I am well-rested and excited for the day.

29. I am worthy of investing in myself.

30. I belong here, and I deserve to take up space.

31. I breathe in healing, I exhale the painful things that burden my heart.

32. I breathe in trust, I exhale doubt.

33. I can be soft in my heart and firm in my boundaries.

34. I can control how I respond to things that are confronting.

35. I can hold two opposing feelings at once, it means I am processing.

36. I celebrate the good qualities in others and myself.

37. I deserve an affirming touch on my own terms.

38. I deserve information and I deserve moments of silence, too.

39. I deserve self-respect and a clean space.

40. I do all things in love.

41. I do not have to linger in dark places; there is help for me here.

42. I do not pretend to be anyone or anything other than who I am.

43. I do not rise and fall for another.

44. I do not rush through my life, I temper speed with stillness.

45. I embrace change seamlessly and rise to the new opportunity it presents.

46. I embrace the questions in my heart and welcome the answers in their own time.

47. I grow towards my interests, like a plant reaching for the sun.

48. I have come farther than I would have ever thought possible, and I’m learning along the way.

49. I have everything I need to succeed.

50. I hold community for others, and am held in community by others.

On 25/07/2024 at 8:47 PM, Buck Edwards said:

51. I hold wisdom beyond knowledge.

52. I invite abundance and a generous heart.

53. I invite art and music into my life.

54. I leave room in my life for spontaneity.

55. I let go of the things that sit achingly out of reach.

56. I look forward to tomorrow and the opportunities that await me.

57. I love that I love what I love.

58. I make decisions based on a good gut, I make changes based on a growing heart.

59. I make time to experience grief and sadness when necessary.

60. I nourish myself with kind words and joyful foods.

61. I practice gratitude for all that I have, and all that is yet to come.

62. I release the fears that do not serve me.

63. I respect the cycle of the seasons.

64. I seek out mystery in the ordinary.

65. I strive for joy, not for perfection.

66. I tell the truth about who I am and what I need from others.

67. I uplift my joy and the joy of others.

68. I welcome the wisdom that comes with growing older.

69. I welcome what is, I welcome what comes.

70. I will allow myself to evolve.

71. Letting go creates space for opportunities to come.

72. My body is beautiful in this moment and at its current size.

73. My body is worthy of being cared for and adorned in beautiful garments.

74. My feelings deserve names, deserve recognition, deserve to be felt.

75. My heart is open to helpfulness from myself and from others.

76. My heart knows its own way.

77. My life is not a race or competition.

78. My perspective is unique and important.

79. My pleasure does not require someone else’s pain.

80. My sensitivity is beautiful, and my feelings and emotions are valid.

81. My weirdness is wonderful.

82. Saying “no” is an act of self-affirmation, too.

83. Sometimes the work is resting.

84. There is growth in stillness.

85. There is peace in changing your mind when it is done in love.

86. There is poetry in everything, if I look for it.

87. There is room for me at the table.

88. There is something in this world that only I can do. That is why I am here.

89. There is strength in quiet, there is vulnerability in being loud.

90. Today I celebrate that I am younger than I’m ever going to be.

91. Today is an opportunity to grow and learn.

92. When I feel fear, I feed trust.

93. When I focus on my reason for being, I am infinitely brave.

94. When I forgive myself, I free myself.

95. When I release shame, I move into myself more beautifully.

96. When I root into the earth, the earth rises to support me.

97. When I speak my needs, I receive them abundantly.

98. When I talk to myself as I would a friend, I see all my best qualities and I allow myself to shine.

99. Words may shape me, but they do not make me. I am here already.

100. I'm whole as I am.

On 25/07/2024 at 8:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Note to self -

Pick one at a time and try to affirm it for some time. Pick one each day. Feel the energy of the words. When you feel completely satisfied, move to the next one. Don't try many at a time. Single minded focus on one.

On 26/07/2024 at 4:59 AM, Buck Edwards said:

For long timebound challenges -- my tip would be to make a journal with a line for each day. Review in the am and then check off in the pm. Long timebound challenges can be hard. It's worth it though because doing something and failing is still better than never trying something at all. But if you want to do this, try to do it with accountability. Even if you have to write "didn't do" each day. I fail hard in my long timebound challenges (100 day challenges) but I still end up ahead of where I would be if I didn't do it. Just reviewing it and making a note on it everyday will start by law of attraction to keep it with you which starts to change you inside.

On 26/07/2024 at 5:17 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Prayer for Focus

Dear Benevolent Universe, Creator, Source of Love and Compassion,

I come before you today, seeking your divine guidance and the gift of focus. In a world filled with distractions and competing demands, I ask that you sharpen my mind and direct my attention to the tasks and priorities you have set before me.Grant me the discipline to quiet my thoughts and silence the noise that often pulls me away from what truly matters. Help me to be present in each moment, fully engaged and committed to the work at hand. Bestow upon me the wisdom to discern what is essential and the courage to let go of what is not.

May I have the wisdom and clarity to set aside unimportant matters and the determination to persevere through challenges.Strengthen my ability to concentrate, to delve deep into complex problems, and to find creative solutions. Empower me to work with efficiency and effectiveness, making the most of the time and resources you have entrusted to me.

When my focus wavers, gently draw me back to the path you have laid out. Remind me of my purpose and the impact my work can have on the world around me. May my efforts bring glory to your name and contribute to the greater good.I surrender my mind to the will of the universe. Fill me with your Universal Benevolent Love and Light, that I may think your thoughts and see through your eyes. Guide my hands and direct my steps, that I may walk in obedience to your will.In the name of Universal Benevolent Powerful Love, I pray for the gift of focus. May it be a tool in your hands, used to further your grand consciousness and to fulfill the unique calling you have placed on my life.

Amen. So be it.

(May your mind be focused and your work be fruitful.)

- Reena

Prayer for resources

Benevolent Universe/God/Higher Power,

As I navigate the journey of life, I ask for your abundant blessings and the resources necessary to fulfill my purpose. Guide me to the knowledge, skills, and opportunities that will empower me to make a positive impact in the world.Open my eyes to the resources that surround me, both tangible and intangible. May I recognize and utilize the talents, relationships, and experiences you have graciously bestowed upon me.Grant me the wisdom to manage the resources entrusted to me with care and responsibility.

Help me to be a wise steward of my time, energy, finances, and possessions, using them in alignment with your will.When resources seem scarce, remind me of your infinite abundance and your promise to provide for my needs. Expand my vision to see the possibilities that lie beyond my current circumstances.I trust in your divine provision and ask that you connect me with the resources, people, and circumstances that will enable me to fulfill my highest potential.

May I be a channel of your abundance, sharing and investing in ways that uplift and empower others.Thank you for your unfailing generosity and for the resources that sustain and enrich my life. I surrender my needs to you, knowing that you will supply all that I require according to your perfect plan.

Amen/So be it.

(May you be abundantly resourced to fulfill your purpose.)

Prayer for Abundance

Gracious Universe, Source of all Life and Abundance,

I come before you today, acknowledging your infinite generosity and your boundless abundance. I ask that you pour out your abundance upon me, that I may live a life of purpose, prosperity, and generosity. Open my heart and mind to receive your grace and graciousness, that I may be a vessel for your abundance to flow through. May I recognize the abundance that already surrounds me, in the form of relationships, skills, and opportunities.Grant me the wisdom to steward my resources wisely, that I may use them to bless others and bring benevolence and productivity to the world. May I be a good manager of the talents and gifts you have entrusted to me, multiplying them for the benefit of all.

Prosper my endeavors, that I may have more than enough to meet my needs and to share with those around me. May my work be fruitful, and may I be a source of provision and hope to others. I pray for abundance in every area of my life: spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical. May I be filled with your joy, peace, and love, that I may overflow with kindness, compassion, and generosity.Help me to see abundance not just as a means to an end, but as an end in itself – a reflection of your nature and a testament to your goodness. May I never forget that true abundance comes from you, and that it is your desire to bless me richly. I pray for the abundance that only the benevolent universe can provide. May it flow through me like a river, touching every aspect of my life and the lives of those around me.

Amen. So be it.

(May you be blessed with abundance in all areas of your life.)

Prayer for Dream Board

Dear Benevolent Universe, Creator, Source of Love and Compassion,

I come before you today, seeking your guidance and inspiration as I create a dream board to visualize and manifest the desires of my heart. In a world that often limits our imagination, I ask that you would expand my vision and empower me to dream big dreams that align with your will for my life. As I gather images, words, and symbols that represent my aspirations, fill my heart with faith and expectation. Help me to see beyond the constraints of my current circumstances and embrace the limitless possibilities that you have in store for me.

Grant me the wisdom to discern which dreams are in alignment with the purpose and plan of the universe. May my dream board reflect a life of purpose, passion, and service, one that brings fulfillment and blesses the lives of those around me.As I gaze upon my dream board, may it serve as a constant reminder of my faithfulness and the promises the universe has made over my life. When doubt and discouragement creep in, may it be a beacon of hope, reminding me of the vision the universe has placed in my heart.

I ask that the universe would breathe life into my dreams, transforming them from mere wishes into tangible realities. Guide my steps as I take action towards their fulfillment, and provide the resources, relationships, and opportunities necessary for their manifestation.May the process of creating and meditating on my dream board draw me closer to the universe. Help me to see your hand at work in the unfolding of my dreams, and to trust in your perfect timing and plan.I pray for the courage to dream boldly and the faith to believe that in the universe, all things are possible. May my dream board be a testament to grace and power of the universe and a reflection of the abundant life the universe has promised.

Amen.So be it.

(May your dream board be a powerful tool for visualizing and manifesting the desires of your heart, in alignment with the will of the universe and your life.)

Structure

Tasks

Focus

Resources

Resources

Abundance

Dream board

Content

Guidance

Growth

Motivation

Fuel

Spirituality

Manifestation

Prayer for Content (Emotional and Spiritual content, not contentment)

Dear Benevolent Universe, Creator, Source of Love and Compassion,

I come before you with a heart full of emotions, seeking your guidance and wisdom in navigating the complexities of my feelings. In a world that often overwhelms with its highs and lows, I ask for your presence to bring clarity, peace, and healing to my emotional landscape. Help me to embrace my emotions as a gift from the universe, a reflection of the depth and richness of human experience. Grant me the courage to acknowledge and express my feelings honestly, without fear or shame.Guide me in understanding the messages that my emotions carry, whether they be joy, sorrow, anger, or fear.

May I learn to listen to the whispers of my heart and discern the truths that lie beneath the surface of my feelings.Teach me to respond to my emotions with grace and compassion, both towards myself and towards others. Help me to cultivate empathy and understanding, recognizing that we are all on a journey of growth and healing.When I am overwhelmed by intense emotions, grant me the strength to find peace in your presence. May your love be a balm to my soul, soothing the wounds of past hurts and bringing comfort in times of distress.

Help me to cultivate emotional resilience, to weather the storms of life with grace and fortitude. May I find strength in vulnerability, courage in authenticity, and hope in the knowledge that you are with me always. I pray for emotional wholeness and healing. May my feelings be a source of growth and transformation, leading me towards a deeper connection with you and with others.

Amen. So be it

(May your emotions be a pathway to deeper understanding, healing, and connection with the divine.)

Prayer for Guidance

Dear Divine Universe,Benevolence, Eternal God, Divine Light, and Compassionate Guide,

I humbly come before you, seeking your divine guidance and wisdom to illuminate my path. In a world filled with uncertainty and choices, I look to you as the source of truth, clarity, and direction.Lord, grant me the discernment to recognize your voice amidst the noise of the world, and the courage to follow where you lead. Help me to trust in your plan for my life, knowing that you have a purpose and a path uniquely designed for me.Guide my steps, Dear Universe, that I may walk in alignment with your will. Lead me away from paths of darkness and confusion, and into the light of your truth and love. May your presence be a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.Grant me the patience to wait for your timing, the humility to accept your guidance, and the faith to step out in obedience.

Help me to surrender my own desires and plans, and to submit to your higher wisdom and perfect will. In moments of indecision and doubt, may your peace that surpasses all understanding fill my heart. Give me the strength to trust in your goodness, even when the way forward seems unclear.As I journey through life, may your guidance be my constant companion, leading me towards growth, purpose, and fulfillment. May I be a reflection of your light and love in all that I do, bringing glory to the universe. I pray for divine guidance and direction. May your presence be my compass, guiding me towards the abundant life you have prepared for me.

Amen. So be it.

(May you be guided by the light of divine wisdom and grace in all your endeavors.)

Prayer for Growth

Dear Benevolent Universe, Creator, Source of Love and Compassion, source of all wisdom and truth, Gardener of our Souls,

I come before you today, acknowledging my desire to grow and flourish in your love and grace. Like a seed planted in fertile soil, I ask that you would nurture me, prune me, and help me to reach my full potential. Help me to embrace the process of growth, even when it is uncomfortable or challenging. Grant me the wisdom to see setbacks and difficulties as opportunities for growth, rather than obstacles to be avoided.Prune away the dead branches of my life – the habits, thoughts, and behaviors that no longer serve me or bring glory to your name.

Help me to let go of the things that hold me back, that I may make room for new growth and transformation. May I drink deeply from the wells of your wisdom, that I may grow strong and resilient in the face of life's storms.Expose me to the light of your presence, that I may bask in the warmth of your love and grace. May your light illuminate the areas of my life that need attention, and guide me towards greater wholeness and holiness.As I grow, help me to bear fruit that will last – the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

May my life be a testament to your transformative power and a blessing to those around me. I pray for continued growth and transformation. May I be like a tree planted by streams of water, bearing fruit in season and prospering in all that I do.

Amen. So be it.

(May you grow in wisdom, grace, and the fruit of the Spirit, becoming all that the universe has created you to be.)

Prayer for Motivation

Dear Benevolent Universe, Creator, Source of Love and Compassion,

I come before you today, seeking your inspiration and motivation to face the challenges and opportunities that lie ahead. In a world that can often feel overwhelming and draining, I ask that you ignite a fire within me, fueling my passion and drive to pursue your will for my life. Fill me with a deep sense of purpose, knowing that I am created for a reason and that my life has meaning and significance. Help me to see beyond the immediate obstacles and focus on the greater good that my efforts can bring about.Grant me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and take risks in pursuit of your calling. When I am tempted to give up or lose heart, remind me of the victories you have already won in my life and the promises you have made to never leave me nor forsake me, Dear Universe.

Surround me with a community of believers who will encourage and motivate me in my journey. May I also be a source of inspiration and support to those around me, lifting them up and spurring them on towards greater heights. Help me to find joy in the process, not just the end result. May I embrace the challenges and setbacks as opportunities for growth and refinement. Teach me to find satisfaction in the work itself, knowing that it is pleasing to you.

As I seek your motivation, may my heart be filled with a deep love for humanity and a desire to bring glory to the consciousness of the universe. May my actions and efforts be a reflection of your love and grace, touching the lives of those around me. I pray for the motivation to pursue the will of the universe with passion and perseverance. May your Spirit be the wind at my back, propelling me forward in the path you have set before me.

Amen. So be it.

(May you be filled with divine motivation to pursue your purpose with passion and perseverance.)

Prayer for Fuel

Dear Benevolent Universe, Creator, Source of Love and Compassion, Source of Strength and Sustenance,

I come before you seeking the fuel to energize my body, mind, and spirit. In a world that can often drain my energy and leave me weary, I ask for your divine power to revitalize me and propel me forward in all that I do. Infuse me with physical energy to tackle the tasks and challenges of each day. Grant me the vitality to care for my body, nourishing it with wholesome food, restful sleep, and rejuvenating exercise. May my physical health be a reflection of your care and provision.Fill my mind with mental clarity and focus, that I may approach each task with diligence and purpose. Help me to sharpen my intellect, expand my knowledge, and cultivate a curious spirit that seeks to learn and grow.

May my mental energy be a beacon of light in a world of confusion and distraction.Sustain my spirit with emotional resilience and inner peace, that I may weather the storms of life with grace and fortitude. Grant me the courage to face challenges with faith and the wisdom to find joy in the midst of trials. May my spiritual energy be a source of inspiration and hope to those around me.

As I seek fuel for my body, mind, and spirit, may the universe be the ultimate source of power and strength in my life. Help me to draw upon your infinite resources, knowing that in you, I can find all that I need to thrive and flourish. I pray for the fuel to sustain me in body, mind, and spirit. May your energy flow through me, empowering me to live a life of purpose, passion, and service.

Amen. So be it.

(May you be filled with divine fuel to energize your body, mind, and spirit for the journey ahead.)

Prayer for Spiritual Growth/ Spirituality

Dear Benevolent Universe, Creator, Source of Love and Compassion, source of all wisdom and truth,

I come before you today, humbly seeking to deepen my spiritual connection with the universe. In a world that often pulls me in many directions, I ask that you would anchor me firmly in your love and grace, that I may grow in my faith and understanding of your ways. Open my heart and mind to receive your guidance, that I may walk in light and in spiritual wisdom. Help me to grow with diligence and discernment, that it may become a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Grant me the discipline to make time for prayer and meditation, that I may commune with the universe in the quiet moments of my day. May my conversations with you be a source of comfort, guidance, and inspiration, as I seek to align my will with yours.

Surround me with a community of believers who will encourage and challenge me in my spiritual journey. May I also be a source of encouragement and support to others, sharing the love and grace that you have so freely given to me.When doubts and questions arise, help me to approach them with humility and an open heart. May my faith be strengthened through the process of seeking answers and wrestling with difficult concepts. Help me to live out my faith in practical ways, serving others with compassion and bringing love and light into the world. May my actions be a reflection of the universe, and may they inspire others to seek you as well. I pray for continued spiritual growth and maturity. May my relationship with you deepen and flourish, bearing fruit in every area of my life.

Amen. So be it.

(May your spiritual journey be one of growth, wisdom, and deeper connection with the divine.)

Prayer for Manifestation

Dear Benevolent Universe, Creator, Source of Love and Compassion, source of all wisdom and truth, Gardener of our Souls,

Master of Possibilities,

I come before you with a heart full of dreams and desires, seeking your guidance and assistance in manifesting my deepest intentions. In a world where faith and action can bring about miracles, I ask for your divine intervention to align my will with your divine plan. Grant me the clarity to envision my goals and the courage to pursue them with unwavering faith.

Help me to see beyond the limitations of my current circumstances and to believe in the power of manifestation through your grace.Guide me in setting clear intentions and taking inspired action towards their realization. May my thoughts, words, and deeds be in alignment with the highest good, bringing about positive change in my life and the lives of those around me.Empower me to release any doubts, fears, or limiting beliefs that may hinder the manifestation of my desires.

Fill me with confidence, trust, and a deep sense of knowing that all things are possible through your grace.As I co-create with the the universe, may I be a channel of your love, light, and abundance in the world. Help me to manifest not only for my own benefit but also for the greater good, that I may be a beacon of hope and inspiration to others. I pray for the manifestation of my highest intentions and the fulfillment of my soul's purpose. May my dreams become reality, guided by your wisdom and grace, and may my life be a testament to the power of faith and manifestation.

Amen. So be it.

(May your intentions manifest in alignment with the divine plan, bringing blessings and abundance into your life and the lives of those around you.)

Prayer for Intention

Dear Benevolent Universe, Creator, Source of Love and Compassion,

I come before you today, seeking your guidance and wisdom as I set my intentions for the days, weeks, and months ahead. In a world that often pulls us in many directions, I ask that you would help me to focus my energy and attention on what truly matters. Grant me the clarity to discern the will of the universe for my life and the courage to align my intentions with your divine plan. May my goals and aspirations be rooted in love, grace, and purpose, rather than in the fleeting desires of the world.Help me to set intentions that are specific, measurable, and achievable, that I may track my progress and celebrate the victories along the way.

May my intentions be a reflection of my values and priorities, guiding me towards greater wholeness, purpose, and fulfillment.When obstacles arise and challenges test my resolve, remind me of the power of intention and the importance of perseverance. Help me to stay focused on my goals, even when the path forward is unclear or difficult. May my intentions be a catalyst for positive change, not only in my own life but also in the lives of those around me.

Help me to use my gifts and talents in service of others, that my intentions may bring about greater good in the world.As I set my intentions, I ask that you would surround me with a community of support and accountability. May I also be a source of encouragement and inspiration to others, sharing the wisdom and insights I gain along the way.I pray for the wisdom, courage, and discipline to set and pursue intentions that align with the will of the universe for my life. May my intentions be a reflection of your love and a testament to your power to transform lives.

Amen. So be it.

(May your intentions be guided by divine wisdom and empowered by faith, leading you towards greater purpose and fulfillment.)

On 26/07/2024 at 5:22 AM, Buck Edwards said:

There are two types of energy. Intention intensive and manifestation intensive energies. Intention intuitive energy is connected with light spirituality. And manifestation intuitive energy or outcome intuitive energy is dark spirituality. One should master both types of spirituality. One is a lighter energy and the other is more heavier intense energy. It's like matter and energy. Like light spirituality is more about energy whereas dark spirituality is more about matter. Both are forms of one another, inter convertible. Both complement each other and both are mindless Without each other.

On 26/07/2024 at 5:23 AM, Buck Edwards said:

What do I want?

Money in the bank account

A job

A gym membership

Social status

Good health

Peace of mind

A wonderful relationship with my husband

On 26/07/2024 at 9:08 PM, Buck Edwards said:

It's difficult to understand a woman. When a woman is in her maternal instinct (is there a better word for it then please let me know), she is very loving, coddling and intuitively caring towards the man. It's so natural to women when they like a man. It's a different thing that a man can probably never experience in his lifetime. It's a feeling hard to replicate or understand. It's very biological, strong and hormonal. Its a state gifted to a woman by nature. And in this loving state, a woman wants to make sure the man is happy, she wants to tend to him and care about him. Sometimes she is seeking, sometimes she is giving, both ways she is creating the bond of love.

What men lack is the ability to feel this in women, they sometimes mistake it as weakness and sometimes take it for granted or get too logical about it, question it or try to make sense of it.

It's a vibe a feeling. Not to be understood or reasoned with. But to be felt and absorbed and respected.

Automatically everything about you as a man will change.

However sexual biology is not curated to our expectations. A gay man is attracted to another man. A man is generally not attracted to a fat woman. These are just facts of life and one has to embrace how stuff works to understand it better than resent it. I expect men to be more masculine. At the same time I realize that this expectation doesn't meet reality.

It's not about objectification. It's a dynamic that is created that increases polarity in a couple. Also remember that a lot of women go through traumas of different kinds, and through that their perception is a bit skewed so they need highly masculine men to lead them. It's like you need a motivational coach if you never go to the gym. That sort of a thing. A balance between feminine and masculine might be nice. But masculinity is declining at such a rate that we don't need to overcompensate femininity. Almost everything is feminine. And men aren't encouraged to be masculine anymore, adding to the woes. Being less masculine does not mean weak or "sissy." It simply means not being in touch with your inner masculinity, not as often as it used to be in the 1920s..Tradtional masculinity is very attractive just like traditional femininity. But all of this requires reinforcing gender stereotypes and cultivating a traditional masculine feminine dynamic.

And I was meaning everything conceptually.

There is no need to degrade feminine men. We need both masculine and feminine men. This also exists in women as well. Some women are more masculine. They won't need a man to lead them. Everyone is worthy of love but attraction and love aren't the same thing. Of course you can cultivate spiritual love for someone. But romantic attraction is a whole different ball game. It needs a vibe. Otherwise the relationship gets boring very quickly. When I said natural males I meant men who can set this naturally because they don't go through conflict over it, they don't need to pretend to be that way. Whereas for other men this does not come naturally. Just like some people aren't naturally funny. Now for men who struggle with this, the solution is to accept oneself or learn the tricks of the game. Although it will feel like acting in a theater. It's difficult to do. But mind training can work. My recommendation would be watch more man - active content. Not manopshere exactly.

Just watch content, try to lead the woman in your life, try to create that polarity.. And I don't mean gym. The tone, be domineering and assertive. Over time and practice this will become natural.

It's the fault of society. We don't pay attention to grooming men to be that way. Keeping everything feminine makes it easy for everyone to control people as you can see with the PC culture.

Generally when a man likes a woman, his first response is to care for her, show how much he wants her or begin to care for her needs. Often this behavior leads to friendzoning. This is not the response a feminine woman is expecting. She wants him to show she can rely on him. Try to change the first thought. The first response should not be to coddle the woman. The first response should be to activate her sexuality by making her desire you. Rest follows automatically. Although this strategy cannot work with a woman who doesn't wish to be dominated. They will most likely describe such a man as "controlling."

Change the first response from "I want to love her" to "I want her to love me."

On 26/07/2024 at 9:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have severe mental illnesses and sometimes they can blur my perception of things. You shouldn't really depend on my words for anything. I go into lot of conflicts all the time. Today I say something. One month later I can say something entirely different. It's not my fault. My mind works and creates thoughts and ideas in eccentric ways and I am often not in proximity to reality. Although whatever I say is from direct experience, even experiences can be exceptional and misleading. I fell in love with another severely mentally ill man who was very controlling but also very loving. So it interfered my perception. And I fashioned my ideas out of it. I will never know the truth because I have been rejected by men most of the time. I never had a real chance at experiencing male love and intimacy for longer than a year. So my ideas come from all of my limited experiences. Lucky are those who find love and who find someone they get along with and they are happy in life. I don't know about me. Most people wouldn't want a relationship with a mentally ill person. So I guess I count as an exception. My parents never had a normal relationship. I'll never know what normal feels like. So maybe philosophy fulfills me when reality doesn't.

On 26/07/2024 at 9:24 PM, Buck Edwards said:

It won't be rape if there's consent involved. At the same time the word rape has to be removed from the dictionary of love and romance. The word should not exist anywhere around the vocabulary of sex and intimacy.

It is a heavily complex much misunderstood word.

Rape is a crime.

Whereas sex that involves games and all kinds of kinky bondage I'll call it SEDUCTIVE COITUS.

On 26/07/2024 at 9:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

My husband appeared in my dreams again. Mr M is what I'll call him. Mr M would make love to me. I never knew such a bond would exist in my life again. It's a deja vu sometimes, a pleasant surprise though.

On 26/07/2024 at 9:32 PM, Buck Edwards said:

To create harmony through attraction, it's important to focus on values and qualities. For me commitment and loyalty are supremely important in relationships.

Attraction is not a conscious activity. It's very biological.

It has roots in human biopsychology..

On 26/07/2024 at 9:33 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm not only physically attracted to Mr M, my husband but also deeply emotional about him. I feel him in my breath,in my heart.

On 26/07/2024 at 9:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

That's Mr M, a representation of him that I'll use throughout my journal.

You're sleeping shirtless in that picture on a bed that has rose petals on it. Maybe you are dreaming about me. Our love is ethereal.

We’ve all been in discussions that can heat up into debates or even arguments. It’s during these times that our true colors often show.

One phrase to watch out for is “whatever”. This dismissive word can signal a lack of willingness to engage or to delve deeper into the topic at hand. It’s a way of saying, “I don’t care enough to continue this conversation”, and it can show a real lack of wisdom and maturity.

Mature individuals understand the importance of meaningful conversation and the value of considering different perspectives. Using “whatever” as a conversation ender suggests an inability to navigate complex discussions and indicates a lack of emotional maturity.

I'm slowly realising that what I had been looking for is just peace.

What is within will be reflected without.

If you feel good inside, it will surely reflect on the outside too.

Certain fundamental truths that I'm realising.

A truly beautiful soul is someone who deeply feels what others feel. It's more than just understanding their feelings. It's abput experiencing them as if they were your own. When someone really hears you without judging, trying to control, or change you, it feels amazing! A beautiful soul is like that. They listen, understand and empathize, not because they want to be nice, because it's who they are.

A sense of inner peace.....

In my thoughts a beautiful soul is someone who is at peace within themselves. Inner peace is very important for a person's mental and emotional well being.

I admire vulnerability in people. I like when they're open and not shrouded in facades. In a world full of filters and facades, being genuine stands out. It's raw, real and rare. Vulnerability and authenticity, qualities that I really like in people.

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make everyday. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen. A truly beautiful soul keeps this child like honesty into adulthood. They don't hide their flaws or pretend to be someone else. They accept their imperfections as part of who they are.

Truly beautiful people in my opinion are.... compassionate. Compassion isn't just about feeling sorry for someone or sympathizing with their problems. It's about understanding their pain and genuinely wanting to help. Our greatest freedom is the freedom to choose our attitude. A beautiful soul chooses compassion even in tough times.

On 26/07/2024 at 10:32 PM, Buck Edwards said:

All I can say is that you don't have my full experience. So you speak from a very limited perspective. You aren't completely aware of what's happening on my end of things and a lot of stuff gets either discredited or discounted in the process.

Every day should be an inspiration digging day. Some people are so inspiring.

Intellectual growth

Contribution

Emotions

Wealth, money and finances

Love

Environment and community

Dreams and dream interpretation

Social and friends

Morality and ethics

Progress, Healing and growth

Desire and passion

Productivity

Expression

Intuition and guidance

Relationships

Self care

Gratitude

Karma

Rejuvenation

Calm

Purpose

Masterclass

Patience

Occupation and hobby

Joy

Awareness

Reflection

Tasks

Faith

Simplicity

Virtue

Nutrition

Hope

Physical health

Sexual desire

Entertainment and recreation

Spirituality

Creativity

Family

Focus

Nature

Mental health

Beauty

Peace

Motivation

Value

Safety and Security

Vulnerability is often seen as a weaknessthat should be hidden However,psychologists say that embracing vulnerability is actually a sign of strength and a mark of a truly beautiful soul. Vulnerability is not winning or losing it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. A beautiful soul isn't afraid to show their vulnerable side.They know there is power in being vulnerable and that it's okay not to be okay all the time. I often don't feel okay about myself and that's okay too.

In my thought a beautiful soul is always positive. Positivity isn't about ignoring life'sproblems or pretending everything is perfect. It's about staying hopeful and believing in better days, even during tough times. A truly beautiful soul has this kind of positivity. They choose to see the good in people and situations. Even when things go wrong, they focus on what they can learn rather than dwelling on the negatives. Their positivity is not only refreshing but also contagious. It lifts up those around them and encourages others to have a more hopeful and positive outlook on life. That's how I feel. I love positive people.

On 26/07/2024 at 10:50 PM, Buck Edwards said:

The lack of love you feel has deep rooted issues at the base of it.

You need intimacy, understanding, someone with good intent, and someone in good faith.

When someone is cold, non bonding, they're not necessarily abusive but they are loveless to you. You don't mean much to them. It could be their personality, their mental health or nature or that they're too machiavelian, they calculate every step and do not consider you important enough or good enough for their agenda.

Some people can appear cordial and sweet on top and lose interest once you develop intimacy with them. Maybe their way of loving is through a distance always. Or they are simply superficial and can never have real emotions at all. Like emotionally empty. There is nothing there. The intimacy is short lived and you would be insane to pursue this with passion.

You have been cold shouldered. Simple.

Gratitude is more than just saying thank you. It's a deep appreciation for life'sblessings, whether big or small. It's a mindset that is a sign of a truly beautiful soul. This genuine gratitude makes truly beautiful souls shine brighter. Their appreciation for life and it's blessings makes them a joy to be around and leaves a lasting impact on everyone they meet.

ACCEPTING Imperfection...

A beautiful soul knows that imperfections are part of being human. They don't try to be perfect or expect others to be perfect. Instead, they accept their flaws and see them as chances to grow and learn. This acceptance isn't about being complacent or settling for less. It's about recognising that they are a work in progress and being okay with it. I'm a work in progress. They understand that mistakes happen and that these errors help us grow and evolve. I evolve as I make mistakes.

Love is often seen as something for romantic relationships or close family ties. But a truly beautiful soul can love unconditionally, beyond these boundaries.

There are certain elements of life

The Rose aspect which means elegance personified in life.

The aspect of Ability and Talent. This is the most important one. It makes us smarter and better at handling things. It's our hard work and our life's work.

The outcome aspect. We always hope for the best outcome.

The divine element of all this is coordination.

rose aspect

talent and ability

outcome

coordination

On 27/07/2024 at 3:57 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm a big lipstick fan.

On 27/07/2024 at 4:26 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I know that in seeking something I find my peace. It's the balanced form of seeking that matters. If everyone got what they wanted, they would be so happy, wouldn't they? That seems to be the recipe for happiness.

On 27/07/2024 at 4:28 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Everything will be alright.

You are truly beautiful.

There's infinite love to heal you

Life is not good or bad. Life is to be lived

On 27/07/2024 at 7:30 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Literally just woke up and thinking what i should do on a Saturday morning.

On 27/07/2024 at 8:10 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Planning to create a dreamboard and a time table.

On 27/07/2024 at 8:42 AM, Buck Edwards said:

On 27/07/2024 at 11:55 AM, Buck Edwards said:

In love I want to be true to myself and I want to be true to others. No goal, no agenda. Just pure love.

My heart is pure.

I think in my mind. I have two forms of love that I tend to validate constantly.

One is the white swan and the other is the black swan. Both are valid although one is a controversial form of love.

The white Swan love is a form of love that does not involve control. It's based in understanding, loving, compassion, empathy and caring.

The black swan love is a rather risky biologically oriented survival form of love that will include discipline, control, punishment, psycho love that involves you being the muse of someone else who then uses control to make you both fear and like them. This is a more parental form of love that will involve taming. So it will be sexual but not affectionate.

The picture below is an indicator of this sort of love.

White Swan love - The first one is the more empathetic love. Based in total trust. And acceptance.

The second one, the black swan love is a punitive love. The trust lies in knowing your punisher won't kill you and will let you live but with limited freedoms.

White Swan love is the guilt free liberating love. The one that slowly heals you. The kind of love that I'm yet to experience. It is a validating love. It tells me that I'm full, fulfilled, beautiful, whole and need guidance, support.

The Black Swan love is the approval love where I'm the one who is seeking approval of someone higher in authority, someone who doesn't validate me easily, a narcissistic form of love where I have to constantly be on my toes to be approved by this authoritarian love.

How do both work?

One works through empathetic tender love. The other through hardcore logic and intense passion and codependency.

The Black Swan love is very karmic. It means it will be existential and influential and intinct based. The white Swan love is endearing, warm, affectionate and empowering love.

Both cannot be denied in their power to shape a person and in their influence.

I'll need to identify three distinct behaviors (influenced by CPTSD and genetic components) that shape my feminine instinct and romantic behaviors.

The above character who I call Vicky is a representation of White Swan love.

The Black Swan love is represented by the character below and his name is Nick. Nick and Vicky.

I'm gradually able to understand through these characters why I suffered such shocking levels of trauma. CPTSD and it's huge impact on my life.

I'll need to identify three distinct behaviors (influenced by CPTSD and genetic components) that shape my feminine instinct and romantic behaviors.

On 27/07/2024 at 0:08 PM, Buck Edwards said:

On 27/07/2024 at 0:09 PM, Buck Edwards said:

On 27/07/2024 at 0:13 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm gradually able to understand through these characters why I suffered such shocking levels of trauma. CPTSD and it's huge impact on my life.

I'll need to identify three distinct behaviors (influenced by CPTSD and genetic components) that shape my feminine instinct and romantic behaviors.

Stockholm Syndrome

Codependency

Limerence

On 27/07/2024 at 0:23 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I finally found the character that had been dominating my life like a black shadow for so long. It almost felt like he did black magic on me.

This dark shady character is Nick.

He gaslighted me. Abused me. Did mind control. Made me feel loved. Geez. Maybe he did love me. But then he would guilt me over nothing.

Today is a chance I can be free of his web if I am able to fully grasp all the games he played.

Reena, escape him. Get out of it. Snap out of it. Run. Run as fast as you can. Take your car through the garage and escape. He can't keep you for too long. He wanted to control you. He needed you. To manipulate.

Run. Because he will love you but it will soon turn very toxic. He will engage in toxic levels of control or he will be bored if he cannot play games anymore.

In my dream I was safely transported out of the lair of this Dark dark demonic man who had been controlling my mind and heart.

Finally I'm piecing my trauma together and getting at least partial closure.

On 27/07/2024 at 0:58 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Id love to see my husband doing a push up. Cute.

On 27/07/2024 at 4:25 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'll rename Nick as Dan.

Dialogues between me and Dan.

Reena :

Dan :

Reena :

Dan : you won't be able to escape me

Reena :

Dan : no you're not going anywhere

Reena : I want to be free

Dan : you know I care about you

Reena : confused

Dan : nobody will love you the way I do

Reena : confused

Dan : look at your hair. You don't clean it. I took care of you.

Reena : confused. Looks tensed and anxious

Dan : don't stress yourself

Reena :  confused

Dan : Reena calm down. Calm down please. Calm down.

Reena : confused

Dan :

Reena : confused

Dan :

Victims of gaslighting begin to doubt themselves and blame themselves. Their typical responses can be like - "maybe I'm wrong."

Template of Dialogues.

Dan :

Reena : confused

Dan :

Reena : confused

Dan :

Dan :

Reena : confused

Dan :

Reena : confused

Dan :

Dan : I'll give you anything you want. And you know that.

Reena : confused

Dan : I provided for you.

Reena : you controlled me

Dan : that's your projection

Dan : listen, you do as I say Reena

Reena : I won't

Dan : don't do that to me

Reena :

Dan : I'll do everything for you but you gotta be honest with me

Reena :

Dan : when you're not being honest, I'll punish you. Really bad.

Reena : confused

Dan : I have loved you for who you are

Reena : confused

Dan : you know I love you.

Dan : you'll always remember me

Reena : confused

Dan : I've taken care of your every need

Reena : confused

Dan :

Another reason why romantic behavior is abnormal and fantasy based is because of infantilization.

Causes of my abnormal romantic behaviour. Causes that I came to after a thorough self exploration.

Stockholm syndrome

Codependency

Limerence

infantilization

low self esteem mentality

abandonment issues leading to extreme neediness

fragility. Weak mind

lack of self protection and helplessness

level of vulnerability

  tendency to have sympathy/empathy for the abuser

wanting to please the abuser out of fear

wanting to seek the approval of the abuser.

self sacrificial tendencies. Tendency to prioritize other's needs over one's own needs.

internalization

Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Needs not met

tendency to apologize too much

tendency to self blame.

tendency to self abandon and self sabotage

tendency to self destruct, self abuse, masochistic tendencies

tendency to be attracted to predators out of the need to be controlled

tendency to self neglect and self harm.

borderline behavior

depression

inability to find peace in relationships

Reflection corner.

On 27/07/2024 at 4:56 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think red swan love is a combination of white swan love and black swan love.

On 27/07/2024 at 5:20 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I get turned on by certain things. Like?

- someone who humiliates me during sex

- someone who controls me but only slightly.

- someone who commands me. My submissive nature yields very well.

- someone who shames me. This depends on the level of mental intimacy created prior to the shaming incident. Strangers shaming me is not appealing but repulsive.

- someone who knows how to own me during an argument and is headstrong.

. - someone who is deeply caring and sympathetic. He should alternate his ownership behavior with some caring attitude sprinkled in between.

Maybe I have some masochism in me who knows.

On 27/07/2024 at 5:28 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I have to remind myself that even if I'm attracted to some toxic behaviors in the opposite sex as it generates more sexual tension, polarity and magnetism, I shouldn't forget the term reciprocation.

Even if a person is less than ideal, they can still reciprocate my love. Reciprocation is a sign of emotional investment. The immaturity can be dealt with unless it's on some awful level.

On 27/07/2024 at 7:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I've noticed a pattern in my sexuality, attraction and relationships.

That I should be aware of.

I'm attracted to the following types of loves and romances.

- passionate love

- obsessed love

- controlling domineering love

- sado masochistic love

- sweet caring sympathizing love

- sexually seductive love

- narcissistic love

On 27/07/2024 at 7:34 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I think it's forced coitus when consent is not involved.

Dan : consent itself is a complicated term.

Me : I had a shit load of seductive coitus fantasies but that's not equivalent to lack of consent.

Dan : seductive coitus is fine. It's your choice. It should always be your choice. Whereas rape doesn't involve that. It's basically the dehumanization and ruination of womanhood. It's without consent and the woman is subjected to trauma and assault. You can agree to seductive coitus with a man of your choice and preference. Yet if you happen to be agreeing to forced coitus that's because of past trauma related to sex or sexual crimes. You have been sedated, subjugated, manipulated, extorted, blackmailed, groomed, violated, assaulted or broken in some form to be able to have accepted it as a "normal." you have either survived in a rape culture or been normalized to the idea of rape. This is usually done by abusive psychos and psychopaths. This is usually very controlling and long term and causes extensive erosion of defense mechanisms in a woman resulting from constant degradation of self esteem and self worth and constant denial of personal autonomy leading to gradual destruction of consent. Basically making you feel weak and vulnerable sexually and then exploiting this vulnerability.

Me : I don't recollect anything specific. Yet I understand what you mean by rape culture and the normalization of forced sex. Especially in patriarchal societies.

On 27/07/2024 at 7:37 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Me : I don't recollect anything specific. Yet I understand what you mean by rape culture and the normalization of forced sex. Especially in patriarchal societies.

Dan : that's because you never received enough sexual autonomy in a relationship beyond mere consent.

Me : or is it because of slut shaming and sexual repression when it came to my own desires. Was I slut shaming my own self?

Dan : you definitely don't feel sexually empowered. Your sexuality hinges on feeling horny in the moment but you're unable to command what you really want. Are you scared of something?

Me : one thing I remember very distinctly is the feeling that I could never tell my past boyfriends what I wanted to enjoy sexually because of inherent repression. They would slut shame me and I internalized all that guilt, shame and frustration.

And then there is this morbid rape culture which automatically assumes that a woman invites rape if she wants to be pleasured or appear seductive.

There is this judgemental finger pointing at my character saying - you brought it on yourself because you got drunk with him. You brought it on yourself because you wanted sex. Yea of course I want to enjoy coitus, it doesn't mean that I deserve to be raped.

And in simple terms Dan, I ask you, what does "deserve to be raped" even mean? Because I hear it constantly in my culture. Deserve to be raped. It's puzzling to my feminine mind. It's awkward. I don't think there can ever be something remotely close to "deserve to be raped" even for women who are sent to prison. But conventionally and traditionally and historically, rape has always been used as a form of punishment. That if a woman did something undesirable, one way to punish her was to rape her. I never understood it. It's a form of violence. It's just wrong.

On 27/07/2024 at 7:41 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Dan : you're right. I don't want this to be too awkward between us.

Me : and I want to get to the bottom of what sex and rape and everything in between means and I want to be with the right person doing the right thing and not repeating my past patterns of sexual repression, not feeling sexually liberated, or having to pay a price for this sexual liberation which translates into being called or labeled a sl*t, b***h, wh**e, sk*nk, c**t and so many other things that I don't agree with. What is the point of sexual liberation if I have to be labeled a slut as an exchange offer?

Dan : your sexual frustration is understandable.

Me : I have reached a point where even my own family slut shames me.

Dan : the question is how much open? Where's the boundary for this openness?

Me: I don't want to completely protest patriarchal norms because I want to know in my heart that I'm not negating a man's virtues and feelings when it comes to sex. I don't want a man to put up with disrespect when it comes to sex, for example cheating. At the same time I don't want to feel like an object. I want some liberation when it comes to my own sexual instinct. I want to feel like there is nothing wrong if I ask for more. I'm not being a sl*t.

Dan : haha. Respect.

Me : and you're right about certain things. I have never received enough sex that reaches climax in orgasm. So you could sense my desperation. A woman will gather her resources from somewhere. I am not supposed to be silent when it comes to my own needs. I'm slowly realizing the difference between male and female needs and this constant chasm found in patriarchal societies like mine where it's literally impossible to ever express anything sexually without being overtly shamed for it and always settling for low quality content which is a product of male sexual insecurity that they project on women. Instead of saying that "I'm not good enough for this woman in bed" they relegate the tension to "she is just a slut I don't want to be with." thus degrading her sexuality instead of owning their own lack.

Dan : hmm.

Me : because you see it hurts male pride and ego to admit that he isn't good enough in bed. So he will slut shame her instead.

On 28/07/2024 at 10:59 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Something I had painted a year ago

On 28/07/2024 at 0:27 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Narcissists use a technique called darvo.



Go no contact with narcissists.

Pretend like you didn't even hear it.

On 28/07/2024 at 0:44 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'm looking into the psychology of narcissists.



Narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. While everyone may show occasional narcissistic behavior, true narcissists frequently disregard others or their feelings. They also do not understand the effect that their behavior has on other people.



It’s important to note that narcissism is a trait, but it can also be a part of a larger personality disorder. Not every narcissist has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), as narcissism is a spectrum. People who are at the highest end of the spectrum are those that are classified as NPD, but others, still with narcissistic traits, may fall on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum.



People who show signs of narcissism can often be very charming and charismatic. They often don’t show negative behavior right away, especially in relationships. People who show narcissism often like to surround themselves with people who feed into their ego. They build relationships to reinforce their ideas about themselves, even if these relationships are superficial.



Types of Narcissism

There are two different types of narcissism that narcissistic behavior can fall under. The two types can have common traits but come from different childhood experiences. The two types also dictate behavior.

On 28/07/2024 at 3:53 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I liked someone's comment long ago about BPD.

I don't have experience with BPD in my personal life.

My best friend is a therapist who works mainly with BPD type patients though.

I will take the liberty of sharing why I think he said that.

I think he's just referring to the tendency to overreact to abandonment triggers and do something drastic like suicide, or reckless like drive drunk and crash.

Overall this clinical type view of BPD and similar disorders makes me sad.

It's like they are taking as much distance as they can from it.

Viewing them as aliens almost.

To be inspected in a lab coat.

I kind of get why.

If you don't dehumanize them, you might find out you have more in common with them than you would like.

"selfishness, ..."

What the fuck dude. These people are in massive pain and you're going to diagnose them with selfishness?

From my understanding, hearing and reading about these things, there's a direct correlation between BPD and growing up with an emotionally immature, abusive parent. Usually the mother is an unsafe character that they can not form a healthy attachment with. They had to be afraid of the mother's mood swings. Nowhere to turn for safety and nurture.

And then still psychiatrists want to put them in a box and say "something's inherently wrong with you", and give them very superficial therapy like DBT. It's a travesty.

On 28/07/2024 at 5:49 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Everyone who is in pain is self-centered.

It's not an aspect of a "diseased" psyche that other people get to pretend they are clean from.

What people don't understand is that this type of disorder is basically like having chronic pain.

There is a chronic emotional pain at the root of it.

It's always there but it is repressed, not conscious.

If I put screws in your thumbs and clamps on your nipples, you're going to be selfish too.

lol, this is not about me I don't have BPD.

Yes, someone else's words can hurt someone with BPD more easily, that does mean they have work to do.

Classifying them as inherently selfish is unhelpful.

The reason they are more sensitive is because their system is overloaded with emotional pain.

Not from your thoughts and words, but from their childhood.

With that amount of overload of chronic emotional pain, they are going to be sensitive and selfish, like anyone else would who is always in a large amount of pain, be it physical or emotional. Hence the thumb screws example.

Good example of the harsh, unfeeling, unempathetic attitude that I'm saying mental health professionals shouldn't have.

What you write seems to be from a place of evaluating who's wrong, who to judge, whose fault it is.

You can do that, it doesn't interest me very much but you can run that mental experiment if you want.

My thesis is that mental health professionals / authorities should not have that attitude.

Look for who's wrong all you want, I'm just not speaking from that perspective because I don't see the point.

The situation is what it is, people are what they are because of what happened when they were developing.

From that perspective, indeed, personal responsibility falls away but healing opportunities open.

I agree that people have their personal responsibility to "do the work", seek out therapy and do it, yes.

Can I put responsibility on them to not be a certain way? To not react emotionally to this or that?

I'd love to, but it just makes no sense. These impulses come from a place that is prior to will.

What I lack is wisdom not intelligence.

I have basic intelligence and I'm moderately articulate.

I can say I have average intelligence.

But I badly lack wisdom.

I don't even know how to define wisdom but I know it when I see it.

I will have to check my posts 3 times before posting (because of my mental illness sometimes I end up posting vulnerable shit about myself and end up attracting predators in my direction. This time I'm gonna be careful. I know I act emotionally unhinged, especially during my deep vulnerable moments, and I feel like I constantly get taken advantage of.)

Note to myself - beat yourself a little for acting naive all the time. And then regretting later.

I need 3 things

confidence

wisdom

boundaries

On 28/07/2024 at 5:59 PM, Buck Edwards said:

You act like you have never made any mistakes in your life. You act like a person on drugs. I'm running out of patience trying to get you on board. It's like you're failing to catch up. What you sow is what you reap. Change your attitude as fast as you can. It's rooted in biases. It will cost you or someone else. You act all almighty, like a God complex and I guess people like do better in such places because it's run by people with God complexes, so no wonder you fit right in. But this setting is not good for me, it's only endless debating with blowhards like you who engage in mindless chattering, bickering, blaming, and pointless judging. What do I gain from this perfectionist attitude? You operate from ego, granted we all do, but it is especially harmful when you come with that perspective to someone who is mentally ill.. If a person with mental illnesses has paranoid delusions, there's no point in telling them that they have delusions because they already know it, it's like telling a person with depression that they are a burden on society, perhaps they are aware that they are not liked by others, but this is not solution to their situation, neither are you having an authority over their solutions, you're simply judging them for what suits your frame of survival aka your own survival biases playing out, but they can find better people who guide them rather than judge them. Amen. I've dealt with people like you before. It's nothing but a headache because there is zero harmony, only finger pointing to what's right and wrong, an attitude that should never exist in mental health, imagine if a narcissist went out to seek help, and the therapist told them how delusional narcissists are, well no thanks, that's not what the narcissist is paying the therapist for, he is asking for therapy and not a judgement on narcissism, he has probably already been bombarded on how terrible narcissism is plenty of times before by people around him. He is trying to seek help, not being lectured on what is obvious with mental health issues. People like you are a headache to deal with because all they do is throw their morality based survival biases in my direction looking to seek a moral victory over my struggles, what have you done other than shaming, as though having mental illness is a crime, how about you take responsibility that people are problematic whether you like it or not and they are not going to be standing up to your expectations and that you should be tolerant of their space as long as they aren't personally harming you. You're just a distraction from my problem, whatever your personal agenda might be, none of my concern, but your harsh attitude only serves you, none other. You say selfishness is not a bad thing, yet you will have a problem when I'll be selfish, because you don't see that you operate from cognitive dissonance and personal biases. You want to bring your ego into this. But you don't come from a place of "concern for me" rather you come from a place of concern for you and others so you aren't exactly helpful to me and you shouldn't care too much because instead of utilizing my thread for your Almighty bashing you could start a separate thread on how frustrated you are with people like me. And if you're trying hard to moralize me to improve me, then sorry you're failing miserable because shaming is a part of your agenda, not a part of the solution, it's only making me feel more miserable and bitter about society, so you aren't cultivating any empathy in me for a greater social cause with that mindset. And if you wanna lash out at me by saying that you don't give a fuck about my feelings or concerns, then well whatever you do is a huge waste of my time because it doesn't come from a good faith place anyway, it's just concern only for you, not for me, so why in the world will I be receptive to it anyway. Good faith place is when you have concern for a person's feelings and its not all a one way communication, but you care about that person as well, which I never find you doing. You can sit there and justify your selfishness all you want, but that's not what spirituality is and that's fails at this so miserably.

So if someone said that you should stay 1000 feet away from spirituality, then they are probably right. You should..

Buck Edwards · July 31

On 28/07/2024 at 6:05 PM, Buck Edwards said:

Since I'm mentally ill I do not have much credibility in terms of judgement, right Patrick. Patrick being my therapist.

I can't be too trustworthy when it comes to judging people as right or wrong. Good or bad.

I think I should refrain from tough judging when I do not have much information on hand. And a difference in perspective, a radical shift in how I look at something might be greatly beneficial to me.

Also some people can be bad yet useful. Some people can be good but totally off track with their guidance.

You have to balance both..

Brian Nox is a good source.

Focus on the beautiful and the positive. When there are so many beautiful and positive things, why focus on the negative.

And people who are negative to others, really what kind of people are they anyway - either immature, aggressive, narcissistic or just with nothing better to do. Probably jealous or just people who are never taught to be nice. Remember decent people (not necessarily good hearted, at least they possess social calibration and know how to respond, bad or good is a different ballgame) will never act like this.

In reality however, people who act like assholes online can be helpful or genuine. Not everyone who lacks social calibration is bad hearted.. Don't be carried away and deluded by sweet words.

I have to remind myself that I have BPD and I'm autistic.

There is some sort of comfort in rejection. There's empowerment in rejection

You tend to engage in self blaming when people gaslight you. It's a potent form of cultish psychological abuse. But when you reject on your own, you're no longer seeking validation in a parasocial relationship. You deny it. You deny its usefulness. When you reject something, you no longer feel bad, low, humiliated, discarded or guilty. It's up to you to reject something that is never meant for you. Don't give so much power to others that you begin to lose your own power.

I've been having nightmares recently and these nightmares are associated with cults.

I feel like this is all coming from my previous association with cults.

Cults are very dynamic in that they're quite charismatic, addictive, pleasant at first and very intoxicating. They give a sense of comfort and security.

On 28/07/2024 at 6:31 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I love this.

On 28/07/2024 at 6:36 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I realize now why I needed someone to abuse me in the context of a personal relationship, it was my Stockholm Syndrome. It was a major coping mechanism against abuse.

I wanted someone to beat me up so I would feel better. I would feel controlled. And this control feeling gave me a sense of comfort.

I wanted to be raped.

So I would feel hurt.

It gave me a sense of comfort because that's how I was treated always. I was used to being abused.

It made me feel familiar.

I was used to being controlled. So it gave me a sense of familiarity and security.

It gave me a feeling of being wanted.

Like someone bashing me, controlling me, disciplining me and loving me at the same time.

I think I likened being controlled = being wanted.

And the feeling of being wanted meant I'm being loved.

But it's a moderate sense of love. It's not all bad. It does give something 💀✌✌... It's like drinking something that contains 1% wine and rest junk juice versus drinking pure wine.

In a way, it's settling for something inferior because the mind thinks that it doesn't deserve better things.

Is this really toxic?

I don't know..

Why do I feel so much comfort in animality?

In the dirty side of things.

Or maybe I feel special if an abuser loves me.

Or maybe it's a weird attraction to power since power means security.

And this power is usually reflected (I'm talking about raw power and not the power of vulnerability, I would rather call the power of vulnerability as strength) in machoism, in dare devilry, in being dominating, narcissistic and abusive.

Another angle I want to look at this is magnetism and the ability of the brain to be attracted to something that is totally opposite of the self, mainly sexual attraction. This magnetism comes out of polarity. It means that I'm attracted to someone strong because I'm weak. I have this Cinderella personality. So I get comfort by attaching to the Devil I guess.

A devil should love me and then it gets more romanticized???

Part of it is also constantly feeling like a victim. When you feel this way, the sense of comfort comes from wanting to be victimized, wanting to be preserved in that state out of inertia.

In this state I have to take no responsibility or leadership so I suck the juice from someone else's leadership.

I think it's a sign of weakness. When you can't do it, you rely on others.

Like a vampire.

What happens next?

I think this vampirism continues.

Whatever makes you feel better.

Maybe I want to feel a certain amount of possessiveness.

And that possessiveness is achieved from a controlling disrespectful person.

This is nothing but classic codependency.

A situation where you feel weak and you want some obsessed possessive dominator to control you.

They're dependent on you because they need someone to control and own and you need someone to feel belonged and owned. So opposite forces attract obviously.

Feeling owned feels security and survival and taken care of.

I think it also arises from infantilism.

So when you feel infantilized (because of child abuse), you also want someone to continue that infantilization in order to make you feel secure.

Generally when you get older, you slowly outgrow this infantilization.

Maybe somewhere you're still looking for that kind, dominating, disciplining, loving but rough and tough, protective parent figure in that abusive person and their abuse is a part of this codependent contract.

A victim predator relationship that gives validation to both.

Love

Healing

Super Empath

God

Wisdom

Religion

Regeneration.

Faith

I think I always suffered a power dynamic situation in my family relationships and that could be the hidden reason why a power dynamic oriented relationship tends to satisfy me more or at least gives me a modicum of comfort and security.

On 28/07/2024 at 7:04 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I'll compare sexual abuse or any form of emotional and mental abuse to disability.

Disability can change your brain. It can make you feel lifeless, depressed, helpless, infantile, dependent. You might not feel mentally ready or empowered to do the things that you're unable to do. This doesn't mean that you're supporting or enabling disability.

This only means that the by product of disability is feeling helpless, weak, dependent and these are just supplementary aspects of disability like the comorbid aspects of disability just like the "related complications" of any disease that are apart from the main symptoms.

For example.

Cardiovascular complications in patients with HIV infection include myocardial, endocardial, pericardial, and vascular diseases.

These are not the direct symptoms of HIV. But these are the future complications that arise from the long term suffering of the disease or even it's treatment.

Similarly long term depression can have immediate symptoms like listlessness, suicidal behavior but complications can include weight gain, trouble in relationships and insomnia which are not the immediate symptoms but a by product or side effect long term.

And in the same way, long term mental/sexual/psychological/emotional abuse is also like a disease in which the complications can include mental dependency, co-dependency, coping mechanisms, promiscuity, attraction to predators, Stockholm Syndrome, helplessness, addiction, continuation of abusive relationships, cycle formation.

Being promiscuous, development of attraction to predators, unable to differentiate between abuse and love, co-dependency on abuser doesn't mean that the person is supporting or enabling abuse in any way. It only means that they are not fully healed and continue to suffer the complications.

What I find most annoying is the question - why did you go back to the abuser?

This question is the most frequently asked question to victims of abuse.. Because people don't understand or grasp the intricacies of how abuse operates and impacts your brain. So they look at it very logically and conclude that you must like abuse if you're going back to the abuser.

Because you're going back to the abuser not because you appreciate or like the abuse, but because you are addicted or dependent on the abuser for something and this dependency is also a part of the abuse process.

That's why such question doesn't serve a good purpose and it only aids the victim shaming process.

Ok so I'll rewind back to this.

Again back to my sexual abuse rapey dreams and nightmares and understanding their origin.

I feel like all of my rape nightmares are

associated with the mental abuse I suffered as a child.

These rape nightmares are a physical replica of the mental trauma process.

That is my mind is replaying the trauma in a physical format as a coping mechanism.

That is aspects of these dreams and patterns of nightmares and fantasies are closely linked (and replicating or mirroring) the aspects of mental abuse.

So a curious aspect of these dreams is where I feel comforted or protected by the abuser or I feel the abuser/pedophile/rapist/assaulter is engaging in kind acts. Like one where the abuser is making sure that I'm not hurt when they are assaulting me. And you'll probably ask how is this even possible? You'll ask -isn't the objective of assaulting me hurting me? The short answer is yes and the long answer is no. The short answer is that the abuser wants to Inflict pain or at least it appears so. The long answer is no because the abuser doesn't want the abused victim to be maimed or disabled or hurt or killed. Because if they wanted that, then that's so simple, they could have just killed the victim. But they didn't. In fact in many circumstances they save the victim from directly dying.

For example, a pedophile/groomer/sadomasochistic abuser might save a girl from dying by offering her food but also sexually violate her. But still let her live. This can arise from two sentiments -

1. Either the abuser wants the victim to survive so they can continue using and abusing them for pleasure (thus creating a dependency cycle between both predator and prey). Now the prey is dependent because the predator won't let them die, so in a way it's proxy survival. The predator is dependent on the prey because they can't let go of the pleasure /power they derive from controlling the prey.

2. The second reason can be more humane. The abuser is just having pity or mercy (maybe born of guilt from knowing the abuse that they're putting the victim/prey through) on the victim and simply saving them out of mercy.

Also these are sexually abusive dreams

So in these sexually abusive and violent dreams, the abuser is also trying to protect me. I think this aspect is a mirror aspect.

What is it mirroring?

When I lived with my abuser, I saw them from time to time, do acts of favor or kindness. Like they would let me have something I wanted. They would protect me from immediate danger. They would feed me if I were hungry. They would give me medication if I was in pain. My brain noted these acts.

So in my brain these acts were placed alongside the acts of abuse, torture and violence.

These specific random acts of kindness by the abuser is being reflected (in the dream), in the form of the rapist/pedophile trying to protect or comfort or guide me.

Like in certain dreams I see the groomer placing his hand under my head so that I'm not hurt or injured while he is sexually abusing me.

These gestures in the dreams are mirroring or reflective of the acts of kindness shown by the abuser to me in a real life situation.

So this is what I meant by the replication of my mental abuse. The physical manifestation of my mental abuse as a child is happening now in the form of rape dreams.

What do i mean?

The replication.... The manifestation... The materialization.

The materialization of my mental abuse as a child is happening through physical abuse in the form of rape+torture in my dreams. These dreams show a physical materialised form of my mental abuse, that's why the constant rape trauma dreams.

On 28/07/2024 at 8:39 PM, Buck Edwards said:

In a moment everything disappears. Everything turns to beauty and silence. Everything is beauty and silence like the bottom of the ocean. Like sex. Like wild flowers. Oh, I wish human life could be like that.

On 28/07/2024 at 8:52 PM, Buck Edwards said:

I once read that a relationship can be so deep and each others presence so strong and godly that even sex feels shallow

https://m.timesofindia.com/life-style/relationships/web-stories/10-signs-youre-in-a-one-sided-relationship/photostory/105097153.cms

Majority of my life I have only been around women. I grew up around females. And my father was the only male in the entire family and he died. After that I never had anyone except my ex boyfriends.

On 29/07/2024 at 4:46 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I feel sorry and sad for people who genuinely suffer in this world.

Men who work hard in the furnace or on a ship, or breaking timber. Men who feed their families after a long day of work like my father used to. Men who don't feel entitled to the world's resources.

Men who carry a baby over their shoulders and clean their diapers.

Men who don't feel the need to assert their manhood all the time.

Men who don't constantly whine about their suffering and only care about their own emotions. Men who are truly lonely and suffer mental health problems and rely on drugs to get by in life. The forgotten heroes who suffer in silence. Men who are grateful if a woman is talking to them instead of leeching off her. Men who protect their sisters. Men who speak less and mean more.

If I had a son, I would teach him to respect women. That's the first thing I would teach.

I would teach him to be a man. A man who gives something to this world rather than asking and exploiting. A man who never uses women for sex.

A man who is genuinely suffering and in pain and knows what suffering feels like. A man who becomes a beacon of hope and not some average asshole.

I feel sorry and bad for men who never get recognition. Who are humble enough to admit their mistakes. Who are deeply and truly vulnerable. Who drink not for fun, but in pain. Who need help, love and company. Who are gentle and compassionate and who have manners around women. Who are glad when someone listens to them. Who don't burden others with their problems or feel the need to manipulate others for their needs. Who live in dignity and save their money.

Who don't pride in their manhood simply because they are a man, but use their manhood to help women, children and other vulnerable people.

Who truly suffer and

Not the ones who try to seek attention, who are loud and bashful, and constantly crying out of self importance and entitlement, who want someone to cater to their needs all the time, who never take accountability, who assume they are the only ones who suffer and have no regard or concern for other's time, emotions, health or suffering at all.

Who live in solitude and keep their word, who genuinely care about others and not fictitious pretentious white knighting men who want to help for their own ego. Who are ready to empathize with a woman rather than belittle her or constantly argue her thought.

Men who don't care about being attractive to women but know that there are bigger things to achieve in life than be a popular jock.

Men who don't like to trouble others with their sorrow, who have the humility to understand that others suffer as well. Who know not to add more stress to other's burden. Who don't expect the entire world to babysit them. Who have order, structure and displine in their lives. Who don't use a woman only for their needs and discard her once they are done with them. Who are not "me me me me me" all the time. Who have the capacity to understand other's situations and problems and the maturity to do what's right.

Men who don't feel butthurt when their pride is hurt or challenged. Men who reflect on themselves when a woman walks away rather than making her the bad person. Men who aren't too concerned with their appearance and who aren't trying to be the big jock. Who aren't throwing their masculinity into everyone's faces or bragging about how many women they slept with.

Men who know their own responsibilities and don't need a woman's approval to feel like a man. Men who aren't guilting and shaming others who don't meet their expectations. Men who aren't just sitting and eating and getting fat. And place all the burden on their mothers.

Men who understand misery and only want to be of help and provide love and protection and be there when others need them. Men who take pride in being of service to others.

Men who don't act like mama's little boy and always running to someone to bitch about something without looking for an objective way of solving a problem. Men who don't want to bring drama and misery to your life but value, compassion and peace.

And also men who are honest, truthful and sincere, don't weaponize truth to hurt others, don't moralize others with their deluded brains, have the emotional intelligence to go beyond logic, don't judge and prey on other's weaknesses to trumpet their own highness, men who know when and how to speak the truth and genuinely want everyone to be in love and peace.

On 29/07/2024 at 4:47 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Love begins with trust and ends with happiness.

On 29/07/2024 at 4:48 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Reena, focus on the positive. I know you feel ruined inside.

I know you don't want things.

On 29/07/2024 at 4:50 AM, Buck Edwards said:

On 29/07/2024 at 4:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

On 29/07/2024 at 4:58 AM, Buck Edwards said:

That's my mom. This is on October 13. 2023.

The entry I wrote in my private diary on that date.

"My mom boarded her flight for US. She will land there in 16 hours.

Right now she is at Dubai airport. She sent me these pictures.

I'm already feeling lonely. Now I'm all alone without her.

She is visiting my family in Houston."

On 29/07/2024 at 5:11 AM, Buck Edwards said:

DAILY CHALLENGES 📌
----------------------
📍
----------------------
📍Work on entrepreneurship (research business ideas, study business, work on a preexisting business) for an hour
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📍2 hours studying (outside school)
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📍2 hour reading
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📍50 minutes meditation
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📍1 hour walk
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📍9 min cold exposure

On 29/07/2024 at 5:17 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Daily challenges.

I'll need to collect some round push pins, red tack, yellow tack and a gold thumb tack. To chart my progress.

Daily Challenges

On 29/07/2024 at 5:38 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I don't have it completely laid out. I'm not a strict kind of a person. I let things organically evolve on their own. I always believe in the natural flow of things, letting things unfold and guide me.
I have a variety of interests and goals.
My most important goal is to keep learning and keep adding things to my kitty. It is never specific because I'm highly versatile and dynamic.
I can still streamline some of my goals to the following -

- learning from books.
- life purpose - to live in love and hope
- take good care of my mental health and restore myself to my original healthy creative self. Work on my borderline disorder. And my high levels of autism.
- make new friends. A lot of trustworthy friends.
- get a stable career by next year.
- heal my relationship with my mother.
- keep adding to my reservoir of knowledge and understanding of the world.
- get my finances in order by next year.
- be completely self sufficient.

What did I do in the past few days???

Calender for the month of June 2024

June 1 2023 - Thursday

Feeling sick

June 2 - Friday

Feeling sick

June 3 - Saturday

Maybe had a fight with someone

June 4 - Sunday

Feeling lazy /bored /not pumped up /sleepy

June 5 - Monday

June 6 - Tuesday

June 7 - Wednesday

June 8 - Thursday

Commotion

June 9 - Friday

Commotion

June 10 - Saturday

Commotion

June 11 - Sunday

Commotion

June 12 Monday

Freedom

July 2024

July 1

July 2

July 3

July 4

July 5

July 6

July 7

July 8

July 9

July 10

July 11

July 12

July 13

July 14

July 15

July 16

July 17

July 18

July 19

July 20

July 21

July 22

July 23

July 24

July 25

July 26

July 27

July 28

July 29

July 30

July 31

................................

August 2024

August 1

August 2

August 3

August 4

August 5

August 6

August 7

August 8

August 9

August 10

August 11

August 12

August 13

August 14

August 15

August 16

August 17

August 18

August 19

August 20

August 21

August 22

August 23

August 24

August 25

August 26

August 27

August 28

August 29

August 30

August 31

...........................

August 1 - Thursday

August 2 - Friday

August 3 - Saturday

August 4 - Sunday

August 5 - Monday

August 6 - Tuesday

August 7 - Wednesday

August 8 - Thursday

August 9 - Friday

August 10 - Saturday

August 11 - Sunday

August 12 - Monday

August 13 - Tuesday

August 14 - Wednesday

August 15 - Thursday

August 16 - Friday

August 17 - Saturday

August 18 - Sunday

August 19 - Monday

August 20 - Tuesday

August 21 - Wednesday

August 22 - Thursday

August 23 - Friday

August 24 - Saturday

August 25 - Sunday

August 26 - Monday

August 27 - Tuesday

August 28 - Wednesday

August 29 - Thursday

August 30 - Friday

August 31 - Saturday

On 29/07/2024 at 7:53 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Times are uncertain and writing a prayer helps me cope with my disability.

In life there are good times and bad. Often I had to deal with bad times. Horrendous times.

I remember when my father died. It was a terrible period of panic and insecurity. He was the breadwinner of the house. I was very young at the time.

I don't want to refer to God as anything else but Lord. He is the Lord of the House.

The enemy came many many times to the door. The enemy tried to get in, banging through the door. The enemy has us divided. Look at the state of the world. Divorce rates are going up. Families are perishing. Cancer is spreading. Corona left many people hurt, stranded, economically impoverished.

Millions of people die every hour by suicide.

God during our struggle, give us hope. Our bodies serve the purpose they were made for.

The enemy of God has come too, as a shapeshifter in the mask of the Atheist and dividing us again, ravaging families. Once again there are those that are sick and tired.

God give us hope in these times to be resilient, to beat these times and find strength and flourishing once again.

On 29/07/2024 at 7:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Today I come to you in prayer. The prayer I was taught in school.

Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, As it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive them that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, The power, and the glory, For ever and ever. Amen.

On 29/07/2024 at 8:01 AM, Buck Edwards said:

“You cannot change a person with NPD or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet their whims and desires. They will never be in tune with you, never empathic to your experiences, and you will always feel empty after an interaction with them,”

“Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them,”



Essentially, you’ll never be enough for them, because they’re never enough for themselves.

“The best thing you can do is cut ties. Offer them no explanation. Offer no second chance. Break up with them, and offer no second, third, or fourth chance,”

Because someone with NPD will most likely make attempts at contacting you and harassing you with calls or texts once they’ve fully processed the rejection, Krol recommends blocking them to help you stick to your decision.

Types of Narcissism

There are two different types of narcissism that narcissistic behavior can fall under. The two types can have common traits but come from different childhood experiences. The two types also dictate the different ways people will behave in relationships.



People with narcissistic personalities may behave differently than non-narcissists, such as shunning introspection and denying mistakes.

Narcissists may also have different values than non-narcissists, such as status and image as opposed to compassion and authenticity.

Identifying the destructive behaviors that characterize narcissism can help people recognize and cope with narcissistic people.



If you have a person with high levels of narcissism in your life, it is more likely that you will become exhausted, overwhelmed, or confused than it is that the narcissist will change.

People with a narcissistic style or diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder stubbornly cling to their psychological defenses and rarely cease promoting their own image. Over time, you may become inured to how extreme and costly their actions are.



Characteristics of Narcissists:

Shun introspection

Lack empathy

Become hypersensitive to slights

Act impulsively

Spoil others’ good moods

Deny or hide mistakes

Are driven by fear

Blame others

Stonewall or withdraw when upset

Get enraged when criticized

Pursue win-lose strategies

Hold grudges

Have one-way relationships



It’s important to note that narcissism is a trait, but it can also be a part of a larger personality disorder. Not every narcissist has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), as narcissism is a spectrum. People who are at the highest end of the spectrum are those that are classified as NPD, but others, still with narcissistic traits, may fall on the lower end of the narcissistic spectrum

Signs of Narcissism

Narcissism is still being studied and explored, since many narcissists and people with NPD don’t seek treatment. However, there are some common traits of people with narcissistic behavior that you may be able to spot.

Sense of Entitlement

A common sign of people with narcissism is the belief that they are superior to others and deserve special treatment. They believe that others should be obedient to their wishes and that the rules don’t apply to them.

The main difference between folks who are confident and those with NPD is that narcissists need others to lift them up, and lift themselves up only by putting others down. Two things people with high self-confidence do not do,”

“Narcissists punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence.”

On 30/07/2024 at 1:47 AM, Buck Edwards said:

My sister went on a Paris Switzerland trip today.

On 30/07/2024 at 1:54 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I am learning more about love and human bonding. And I have understood that humans operate in very dysfunctional ways. These are not pure by any means. It's the same reason why we're attracted to junk food, wine and sex. These are our vices,our guilty pleasures but without indulging them we cannot really experience the fullness of the human experience. In one way we can choose to transcend it but it leaves us with a different kind of guilt - the guilt of missing out. Whereas overindulgence can obviously be trouble. There's a fine line in being a human, a thin balance that must be maintained. It's like walking a tightrope. Some of these things can be considered taboo. For example, alcohol can be taboo in certain societies. We need these vices. They make our lives fuller. We understand our biological instincts better. There's nothing evil about it as long as nobody is harmed or hurt. It's similar to harmless dark humor. It's like a full palate. Everything to suit your taste from sweet to salty to spicy to tangy to bitter to mild. When you have all of it, that defines a complete experience.

On 30/07/2024 at 1:56 AM, Buck Edwards said:

One set of details will be about how to deal with a narcissist.

And the other set of details will be how to win with a narcissist.

3 roles to play -

- spectator on the fringe

- robot, do as they say

- useful mule

- don't be offended

- don't have a parasocial bond

On 30/07/2024 at 1:57 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Another helpful article on the bait and switch mechanism used by narcissistic people.

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2022/02/02/the-reactionary-abuse-technique-the-magical-bait-and-switch-a-narcissist-uses-to-get-us-to-react-tricks-of-the-narcissists-trade-or-baiting-their-victim-into-reacting-to-their-abuse-s/

On 30/07/2024 at 1:58 AM, Buck Edwards said:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spiritual-narcissism/202101/spiritual-narcissism

On 30/07/2024 at 2:09 AM, Buck Edwards said:

And a YouTube channel that is a wealth of clarity.

https://youtube.com/@TheraminTrees

There is a lot of negativity that comes with narcissism

The narcissist is perpetually trying to control people around them. They get stimulation out of creating fear and panic in people.

When you argue with a narcissist they double down on their positions and start gaslighting the person arguing with them.

https://www.akapasupay.com/bloghome

On 30/07/2024 at 2:14 AM, Buck Edwards said:

The world cannot be spiritual because then it won't aid survival It's about the absolute versus the relative. They don't meet. They are at odds.

The whole kumbaya thing only happens in dreams.

The divine self needs another divine self. The divine value needs another divine value. The divine heart needs another divine heart. The divine world needs another divine world, not this materialistic world. This world is an antithesis to Divinity, the sooner you realize this, the better.. That's why you feel neglected, poached and roughed up and judged.

Your needs would be met immediately if you were living in a divine world that seeks the virtues of the soul rather than the body. Now if you walked into a temple and said these things, they would mock you, because this language of the soul they do not understand. They can't relate.

What I gather is this.

Yes this question comes to my mind very often.

The answer is all about strong intent.

Psychic intelligence when cultivated really strong helps you to smell intent even from far.

The second thing is to not trust easily.

The third is time. Time tells you everything you need to know. Time is the great revealer.

You also need to test commitment and loyalty in your own unique way

Now understand this.

You can't be someone who supports the truth but also wants material pleasures. Because you can't have both. Material pleasures don't go with the truth.

You can't in the same breath support the truth and also support money and all the materialistic selfish views of the world because by principle they are very different.

So people who support the truth can't work under a selfish dishonest boss. They will give up. They will speak the truth and they will be silenced or fired.

You can't be a selfish cold hearted business minded person and also worship love and empathy at the same time. You can't have both. Because if you truly wanted love and empathy you wouldn't be running your scam business in a cold hearted way. If you were truly Empathetic you would give up the ways of the world.

You can't be a cold psychopath (I'm not talking about psychopath criminals here), and also want love and charity in this world. Because they are opposite things. They don't go together. A charitable person cannot become a psychopath. A psychopath cannot be a charitable person. You cannot have 2 in 1 here.

On 30/07/2024 at 2:26 AM, Buck Edwards said:

You were my soul, you were my heart, you were my everything.

I want to write letters to you.

You came in my heart like a beautiful smile. Held my hand and held me close.

Gave me love.

On 30/07/2024 at 2:35 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Be around supportive people. It's a huge boost to self esteem.

Learn to cut out people who don't serve your purpose. Brutal truth.

Its not about self love. It's simply about cultivating general love within yourself. This love will then water the plants of your body and mind.

It's about cultivating love to heal deeply from inside. Inner child trauma work as well for those that feel unloved and for those who want organic healing.

On 30/07/2024 at 2:40 AM, Buck Edwards said:

On 30/07/2024 at 6:26 AM, Buck Edwards said:

If you have a person with high levels of narcissism in your life, it is more likely that you will become exhausted, overwhelmed, or confused than it is that the narcissist will change.

People with a narcissistic style or diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder stubbornly cling to their psychological defenses and rarely cease promoting their own image. Over time, you may become inured to how extreme and costly their actions are.

Characteristics of Narcissists:

Shun introspection

Lack empathy

Become hypersensitive to slights

Act impulsively

Spoil others’ good moods

Deny or hide mistakes

Are driven by fear

Blame others

Stonewall or withdraw when upset

Get enraged when criticized

Pursue win-lose strategies

Hold grudges

Have one-way relationships

Characteristics of Non-Narcissists:

Value introspection

Care about the feelings of others

Don’t personalize others’ actions

Seek spontaneity

Celebrate others’ good moods

Seek to learn from mistakes

Cultivate hope

Take responsibility

Communicate when upset

Accept constructive criticism

Seek win-win solutions

Seek resolution

Have reciprocal relationships

Narcissistic behaviors such as those listed above are generally designed to disguise insecurities. Some behaviors, like avoiding introspection, denying mistakes, stonewalling, or blaming others, seek to shine the spotlight away from a narcissist's perceived flaws.

Others, such as spoiling others' good moods, holding grudges, and being hypersensitive to slights and criticism, are designed to put others on the defensive in hopes that others will be less likely to challenge a narcissist's fragile ego and shaky self-image.

Still others, such as having one-way relationships or lacking empathy, reflect the difficulties narcissists have in engaging in anything other than superficial or transactional relationships.

Differences in Values

The contrast between people with narcissism and healthier individuals is also striking in what they value.

Values of People with Narcissism:

Perfection

Get attention from others

Superiority

Winning

Status

Image

Values of Non-Narcissists:

Growth

Connect with others

Equality

Fairness

Compassion

Authenticity

Narcissists hold values such as perfection, winning, superiority, and status in the hope that doing so will bring them greater attention and approval. Their values, like their behaviors, tend to be self-aggrandizing, as opposed to more inclusive values such as connection, compassion, and authenticity held by non-narcissists.

If you have narcissistic family members or in-laws, holiday visits can leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. Ask yourself:

Does visiting family members feel more like an obligation rather than a choice?

Do you feel anxious when thinking about seeing family members during the holidays?

Do you worry that you will disconnect and regress more than you will connect and renew this holiday visit?

Have realistic expectations

It's not your imagination: Narcissists often become more challenging to be around during the holidays. Year-end holidays are about connection, appreciation, and giving — values that are the opposite of narcissists' core needs of attention, admiration, and entitlement

Don’t forget healthy self-care

Especially during the holidays, maintain the helpful routines that support you in your daily life. Pay attention to eating, exercise, and sleep habits. Take time for yourself. Go on a walk, nap, read, or do other self-care behaviors.

In addition, don’t pressure yourself to pack a year’s worth of catching up or saying all you have to say during a holiday visit. Slow down, and live in the moment. Holidays should be about celebrating, not working.

Narcissism is a trending topic in contemporary literature, and its popularity can obscure our grasp of just how harmful it is in real life. Narcissistic abuse is pervasive, with far-reaching effects that are devastating to its victims. In fact, chronic exposure to this type of manipulation and victimization is a form of trauma—trauma that can alter brain structure and permanently change cognition.

In healthy relationships, spending time in close quarters on special occasions, whether socially distanced or not, can foster emotional intimacy. But narcissists don't generally know how to be emotionally intimate.

The prospect of emotionally intimate interactions often activates narcissists' unconscious fears of being not good enough, fears which they cover by becoming manipulative, competitive, or provocative. Expecting anything different from a narcissist is a setup for disappointment.

Self-Insulation. Because narcissists thrive on pushing buttons and using “insider knowledge” to gain a foothold in controlling others, learning how to insulate yourself from their attacks is crucial. Growing a thick emotional shield is a protective factor that can eventually take some power away from the arrows narcissists may let loose in your direction.

Spend time analyzing your inner thoughts, focusing on and working through your misgivings and anxieties. Be fearless with yourself—self-exploration is a safe place to dig into your triggers and fully understand them.

Arm yourself with insight on what makes you tick—and what buttons, when pushed, really seem to hit home. By increasing awareness of your potential weak spots, you can make the attacks hurt less when they come.

Know what matters

What you focus on will get bigger. If your top priority around a narcissist is emotional survival, you’ll be focused on survival. If your top priority is not being controlled, you will focus on control.

On the other hand, if your highest priority is growth, learning, or being the best you can be, such positive and expansive values will become your focus.

Learn How to Not Respond. Narcissists need a reaction to get the satisfaction and control they crave. By learning what situations require a response, and which can be safely ignored, you will buy yourself valuable peace.

This technique requires some trial and error to explore and understand the circumstances that will resolve without direct intervention from you. Test out not responding in different situations and pay close attention to the outcomes, carefully tracking the conditions that can be handled by sitting back and waiting.

Give yourself permission to not answer every text, phone call, challenge, or plea. Recognize that boundaries are reasonable, regardless of how your narcissist has trained you to think otherwise. Mastering the art of not responding will remove much of the emotional upheaval that comes when engaging with a narcissist

Be mindful of what you share

Narcissists often use personal information against you. Be judicious in sharing sensitive information about topics such as your love life, finances, diet, politics, religion, lifestyle, feelings, health, or work.

While that may not leave much that's meaningful to talk about, remember that narcissists' conversations are about winning, getting attention, and feeling superior to others. Why risk putting sensitive topics on the line in conversations where another person has those aims?

Be a family "anthropologist"

In anxiety-producing situations, sometimes the best course is simply to observe. One way to do this is to approach a family holiday visit like an anthropologist.

Observe. How do people address or greet others? How do people express needs or feelings? What are the norms and apparent expectations? What do you notice about this particular “tribe” you are visiting? What feels healthy and unhealthy?

The great thing about research projects like this is that anything that happens is data from which you can learn. You can write your observations in a journal for later processing on your own, or with a trusted friend or therapist. By observing others, you take the attention, and thus the pressure, off yourself.

Plan ahead and decide where you will draw the line

The zero-sum-game worldview held by people with narcissism often leaves us with no perfect options for responding. Instead, it may help to remember that all of your choices in dealing with narcissists are imperfect. Your best bet may be to pick the least imperfect choices.

In advance of a family visit, consider what you are willing to tolerate and not tolerate. A helpful question to ask yourself is, “At what cost?” How much is too much to pay or give up? Determining that can help you choose when to set healthy boundaries, speak up, let it pass, or walk away.

You have the right to take time to yourself or excuse yourself from a conversation at any time for any reason. Despite what a narcissist would have you believe, your holiday is not a command performance for somebody else. You can always glance at your phone and say, “Excuse me, I have a work call I must take.” Or text, email, or call a friend or therapist.

Cultivate your voice

Narcissists assume they have you figured out but, in truth, you know yourself far better than they do. You are the best judge of what's best for you. If things get heated, declare a holiday truce. Say, “Let’s just agree to disagree.” Find distractions as needed, like a film or game.

Don’t Believe Most of What You Hear. Narcissists are expert manipulators, able to win just about anyone over to their cause—in the short term. Once others become familiar with their methods, however, their influence starts to wane. Chances are, if you are stuck in a narcissistic relationship that seemingly has no end, you are able to discern their truths from the lies.

Trust is a narcissist’s currency, and they spend it with little thought as to the potential consequences of losing it all. Victims must learn to safeguard their trust at all costs, and a starting point is to stop believing most of what they hear from a narcissist.

Don’t fall prey to the flattery, threats, and tricks that will be used to gain your trust. Be wary from the start, teasing out the threads of truth from the unnecessary information they will feed you. Recognizing that most of their communication is deceptive will be an invaluable tool to protect your trust from being violated.

Always Get a Second Opinion. Because of the intimate nature that characterizes narcissistic abuse, victims should always seek a second opinion when forming a response to their abuser. Narcissists will push you to respond immediately, hoping to catch you off balance and increase the odds that you’ll give them the impulsive response they are after. From threats to cajoling, to love bombing, they will use a wide range of tactics designed to instigate hastiness on your part.

Learning to stop and explore potential responses (and their outcomes) with a trusted mentor or friend will almost always improve your results—and it will help you decrease those knee-jerk responses that only bring more conflict and trouble.

On 30/07/2024 at 7:00 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I've always wondered if there's a connection between spiritual and paranormal.

I think when we come to God, we come home.

Home is where sweetness is

Home is where protection

is

Without a doubt managing self-talk, cutting out everything negative about yourself, minimize the need for self-criticism/judgment, which also stretches to the criticism of others. Often we criticise others to indirectly meet a need to lift ourselves. Know when you judge, and try not to.

Even smallest and seemingly benign self directed comment like thinking "cluts" when dropping something.

Don't.

When seeing yourself in a mirror, there should be zero judgment. The mirror is just a reflection, make it functional.

Be very careful what you say to yourself, because you're listning.

The second thing I'd say to make sure that you're being authentic. If you're not allowing your authentic self to hsibe through, then you are literally faking life. Be authentic as much as possible, minimize personas/façades.

Feelin fake is detrimental to self-esteem. Authenticity allows for confidence in self, and helps bringing a stronger positive self-image.

You'll always be wandering aimlessly like a disembodied voice in this world that is not suited for you, this world is not for me, not for you.

Jesus Christ put it correctly, "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God"This world is based on survival. It does not fulfill deeper needs. That's why the deeper self is at conflict with this world.

What I'm looking for

Trust

Intimacy

Connection (deep)

Sexiness

Vulnerability

Emotional connection (repeated point)

Domination (too much to ask for) /challenging/grounding

Surrender

Containment

Masculinity

Understand/maturity

Alignment and harmony

This is not at all easy

If you want a healthy person you should look for this

They should be honest

They should be respecting of your needs and wants

They should not violate your boundaries

They should be open not sneaky

They should be emotional

They should have moral integrity

On 30/07/2024 at 7:46 AM, Buck Edwards said:

Manipulative Behavior

Another common trait of narcissism is manipulative or controlling behavior. A narcissist will at first try to please you and impress you, but eventually, their own needs will always come first.

When relating to other people, narcissists will try to keep people at a certain distance in order to maintain control. They may even exploit others to gain for themselves.

Lack of Empathy

Lack of empathy is another sign of narcissism. This means that the narcissist is unwilling or unable to empathize with the needs, wants, or feelings of other people. This also makes it difficult for them to take responsibility for their own behavior.

Arrogance

People with narcissistic behavior already see themselves as superior to others, so they may become rude or abusive when they don’t receive the treatment they think they deserve. While they hold themselves superior, they may speak or act rudely toward those that they deem are inferior.

Dealing with Narcissism

Those with high levels of narcissism or NPD may learn how to recognize their behavior with the right treatment. This can help to improve their lives and the lives of those around them. Historically, narcissists do not seek help since it doesn’t fit the self-image they have of themselves. They may need the encouragement of a loved one to help them seek out professional help.

They were charming at first

People who have NPD gravitate towardTrusted Source grandiosity and fantasy. Your relationship might have felt like a fairytale at first — maybe they complimented you constantly or told you they loved you within the first month.

Maybe they tell you how smart you are or emphasize how compatible you are, even if you just started seeing each other.

“Narcissists think that they deserve to be with other people who are special, and that special people are the only ones who can appreciate them fully,”

Weiler’s advice: If someone came on too strong at the beginning, be wary. Sure, we all love to feel lusted for. But real love has to be nurtured and grown.

“If you think it’s too early for them to really love you, it probably is. Or if you feel like they don’t know enough about you to actually love you, they probably don’t,” Weiler says.

People with NPD will try to manufacture superficial connections early on in a relationship

They hog the conversation, talking about how great they are

People with NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance and are prone to exaggerating achievements and expecting to be recognized as superior.

“Narcissists love to constantly talk about their own accomplishments and achievements with grandiose,” they do this because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it helps them create an appearance of being self-assured

narcissists will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in these stories in order to gain adoration from others.

They’re also too busy talking about themselves to listen to you.First, your partner won’t stop talking about themselves, and second, your partner won’t engage in conversation about you.

Consider these questions: What happens when you do talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions and express interest to learn more about you? Or do they make it about them?

“The main difference between folks who are confident and those with NPD is that narcissists need others to lift them up, and lift themselves up only by putting others down. Two things people with high self-confidence do not do,”

“Narcissists punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence.”

They lack empathy

Lack of empathy, or the ability to feel how another person is feeling, is one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist. People who have NPD are often unable to apologize and understand the feelings and perspectives of others.

“Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, validating, understood, or accepted, because they don’t grasp the concept of feelings,” she says.

Does your partner care when you’ve had a bad day at work, fight with your best friend, or scuffle with your parents? Or do they get bored when you express the things making you mad and sad?

this inability to empathize, or even sympathize, is often the reason why many, if not all, relationships of people with NPD eventually collapse, whether they’re romantic or not.

When you show them you’re really done, they lash out

People with NPD are extremely vulnerable to humiliation and shame, and they often lash out at others when they feel their self-esteem has taken a hit.

If you insist you’re done with the relationship, they’ll make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them,

“Their ego is so severely bruised that it causes them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who ‘wronged’ them. That’s because everything is everyone else’s fault. Including the breakup,”.....

OK, so you’re dating a narcissist — now what?

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has NPD, chances are you’ve already experienced quite a bit.

Being in a relationship with someone who’s constantly criticizing, belittling, gaslighting, and not committing to you may feel emotionally exhausting.

How to prepare for the breakup

Constantly remind yourself you deserve better.

Strengthen your relationships with your empathetic friends.

Build a support network with friends and family who can help remind you what is reality.

Urge your partner to talk with a therapist.

See a therapist yourself.

On 30/07/2024 at 8:09 AM, Buck Edwards said:

I have a journey of almost decades to reach this goal where I become a Blue Collar Queen. I want to be a secretary or Union Rights Leader (which won't be an easy job as a woman especially in my country where such a job is rarely ever offered to a woman because a woman might vote in for the benefit of the workers which the bosses do not want).

I want to create awareness on worker's health and workers rights in the future as a part of my humanitarian service. I might take the help of certain people in this direction to further this cause. This campaign has always been close to my heart to raise awareness about the exploitation of workers - migrant and non migrant. I myself was exploited as a worker and not paid wages. By understanding workers rights around the globe I'll be better equipped with general/international workers rights and probably be able to work towards implementing them in my own country better too. I have an extreme amount of respect for blue collar workers. My father was a lower middle class blue collar worker.

If I decide to become this, it will be the toughest job for me. I don't know if I'm currently intellectually prepared for it. But over time I might find avenues to become better at this.

7 hours ago, Buck Edwards said:

Humanity is really karma. The purpose of life is to find a home for your heart. Your heart is not happy. It's not fulfilled. All the problems are bothering you. Whatever happens it's not your prerogative to fix things. It's not your job. Bad things will happen. That's fine. The universe will take care of it. There is no need to worry about it. There is no right or wrong about it. Your frame is only human. Not non material.

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

Build RESILIENCE by nurturing supportive relationships, maintaining a positive outlook, prioritising self-care, honing problem-solving skills, and practicing mindfulness.

develop resilience, fostering a strong fight-back attitude in tough times. Developing interpersonal skills.

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

Great video.

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

Narcissists might feel slight guilt or remorse when you completely break off with them and leave them. They can't stand the loss of a person, not because they loved that person but because they viewed that person as a commodity and now that commodity is lost, most likely forever. They certainly regret the loss of this commodity.

Buck Edwards · July 31

TO MY HUSBAND MARCEL :

In the quiet moments when the world fades away, my thoughts inevitably turn to you. Your love is the steady heartbeat of my life, a constant rhythm that grounds me and fills me with an indescribable peace. You have always been there for me. I can't believe hun that you prayed for me. Maybe I'm alive because of your prayers. You are the best thing that has happened to my life.

I cherish the way your laughter lights up a room, and how your eyes hold the universe when you look at me. You are my confidant, my lover, and my best friend, all wrapped into one extraordinary man. With you by my side, every day is an adventure filled with promise and JOY. Our bond is so trustworthy and meaningful and so full of life. Everyday you bring me nothing but joy and a big smile on my face. Every morning starts with you and my life has shown a tremendous transformation. There are tears in my eyes, I couldn't have been grateful enough. All the happy memories flood back again.

Thank you for being the unwavering rock upon which I build my world. Your strength, your kindness, and your unwavering support inspire me to be the best version of myself.

I love you more than words can say. Thank you for just being there. Thank you. I truly deserve your love and you know that.

Buck Edwards · July 31

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