I Seem To Be Doing The Right Things But I Still Have The Need To Be Affirmed.

[WaterfallMachine]

So I've been working on the need to be affirmed and value myself more for some time. I don't know how long — I don't know when it started. Below is a jumble of things I did but not in order. 

I heard it has to do with lack of confidence so I spent time trying to boost it. I tried new things, hobbies and achieved them. I learned to highlight my small wins. I battled my habit of overthinking and was able to do a lot of progress where I can step into things without overpreparing or overthinking that much. But the new skills I gained were partly things I was proud of and partly things I thought was never enough. There was always someone better. More to learn that I haven't. 

I heard it has to do with being honest to others and yourself. So I practiced lessening overexaggeration of my achievements. I opened up to a forum where people emotionally confess their troubles (7 cups of tea — a free therapy site and some others.) and practiced not hiding the more vulnerable parts of myself and made some long term friendships there. But still, I cared about image somehow. That my story would be placed in the most interesting said way but still with truth in it. And I got the sense that I wasn't being listened to enough when it was about the most accepting place I ever seen. What about those people who passed by and didn't react — how did they? But I kept telling myself that the people who came to appreciate, talk and listen with me were good people, but what if they hid something? Talk behind my back? 

Then I thought maybe it had to more with my beliefs and mindset than my actions. So I did a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness for self esteem. It got better. But it wasn't enough. I made sure to count people who really did help me even in vulnerability, especially my family. Those times when I wasn't the charming, easygoing, hardworking, pleasant and intelligent, the top 10 in grades student and jack of all trades in my hobbies. It got better, but it wasn't enough. 

Then I heard maybe it had to with lack of kindness. I heard if you focused more on what others want and like, you focus less on yourself. So I did. Months of loving kindness meditation. And I did grow warmer and more needed to help others. But with that, I still yearned for more praise, more success and more achievements.

I'm aware of what I want. I don't sacrifice my needs for other's interests. I take the life path I want. I go at my own pace. I spend time in things I care about. I can reject what people want for what I like. I've reflected for a year thinking about my own personality, my preferences, my life philosophy and all that and I follow it.

But there's something in me — that wants to reject my actions, reject my mindset, reject all this and just want more praise. There is this thought in my mind that says . . . I haven't done enough. 

Am I still unaware of something? Lacking something? Anything? I don't know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 25, 2017 by WaterfallMachine

[Consept]

Thr journey youre on is kind of a paradox (one that we all face to some extent). Youre actively looking for things to do or to achieve that you think will give you value as a person and praise as you say, but the very act of doing this is re-enforcing to yourself that you are not enough as you are you need to do more. So the more you do and seek the more youll feel the need to seek. The problem is youre thinking of these things and 'yourself' as something to be achieved, as if once you do them everything will be sorted in your life and you will no longer worry about anything, life is lived in the moment not im going to do this and then i can live. 

Essentially what you want is peace of mind and what will give you that is acceptance of your mind and realising that there is nothing you can do to change it so you have to let it be. What youre doing is non acceptance because youre looking for as many things as possible to change yourself. Dont get me wrong the things youre doing are not bad but the motivation behind them will not wotk for you. If you want to do them because you genuinely want to say help people then thats great, but if your motivation is just a means to an end then youre missing the point. 

Dont be disheartened though this is a the struggle i think we all go through 

 

[WaterfallMachine]

17 minutes ago, Consept said:

Thr journey youre on is kind of a paradox (one that we all face to some extent). Youre actively looking for things to do or to achieve that you think will give you value as a person and praise as you say, but the very act of doing this is re-enforcing to yourself that you are not enough as you are you need to do more. So the more you do and seek the more youll feel the need to seek. The problem is youre thinking of these things and 'yourself' as something to be achieved, as if once you do them everything will be sorted in your life and you will no longer worry about anything, life is lived in the moment not im going to do this and then i can live. 

Essentially what you want is peace of mind and what will give you that is acceptance of your mind and realising that there is nothing you can do to change it so you have to let it be. What youre doing is non acceptance because youre looking for as many things as possible to change yourself. Dont get me wrong the things youre doing are not bad but the motivation behind them will not wotk for you. If you want to do them because you genuinely want to say help people then thats great, but if your motivation is just a means to an end then youre missing the point. 

Dont be disheartened though this is a the struggle i think we all go through 

 

Ah, thank you.

But what do you mean nothing to change it? What is this "it?"

How else can I accept this?

 

Edited April 25, 2017 by WaterfallMachine

[Consept]

By it i mean that feeling of discomfort or uneasiness you feel, essentially this feeling is resistance to what is happening now. When i say what is happening i mean literally every thought in your head whether you like the thought or not, whether its negative or positive, all of it has to be accepted. If its not even on a mental level you build up resistance and because youre not willing to accept it on that level it manifests into things you can do on a physical level that you think will change this uneasy feeling. Nothing you do will (trust me i tried) the only thing is not doing, which is acceptance. Meditation is really a practice of acceptance, its not a chore that once you do it enough some magic will happen and youll feel fine. 

Understand that acceptance is not comfortable but it is authentic and thats the whole point. Stop doing and start being 

[WaterfallMachine]

3 hours ago, Consept said:

By it i mean that feeling of discomfort or uneasiness you feel, essentially this feeling is resistance to what is happening now. When i say what is happening i mean literally every thought in your head whether you like the thought or not, whether its negative or positive, all of it has to be accepted. If its not even on a mental level you build up resistance and because youre not willing to accept it on that level it manifests into things you can do on a physical level that you think will change this uneasy feeling. Nothing you do will (trust me i tried) the only thing is not doing, which is acceptance. Meditation is really a practice of acceptance, its not a chore that once you do it enough some magic will happen and youll feel fine. 

Understand that acceptance is not comfortable but it is authentic and thats the whole point. Stop doing and start being 

But I've been practicing that kind of thought process for years. 5 years specifically. I'm alright with accepting myself feeling this way. I understand that I'm human and I get these kinds of flaws in my head. I understand it's okay to be slow at this.

But from my understanding, what I lack is acceptance of the situation. I can certainly come to feel my feelings and really experience them, but the pain is still there somehow. Maybe because a few of the actions I've taken are new and still out of my comfort zone — that it can still be painful at times. But I don't really see action as 100% a distraction to internal stability. It can be a practice to test if certain beliefs that caused fears are wrong by testing it out in the real world and I have. And it did made some progress.

But maybe you're right. Maybe I do lack acceptance of my thoughts and feelings. Maybe there is progress, but I still suck at it somehow. At the past, I had problems with overthinking and overpreparing. And I had made so many ideas and plans over time from hesitation that gathered lots of time for a very action oriented stage of my life to take over. I've actually accomplished a lot in action and it actually made some progress, but maybe it's time to deal with my situation internally more again. Time to reflect on what I had experienced, what I'm feeling and pay attention to acceptance more. Maybe I'm emotionally detaching too much again. Happens from time to time.

What do you think? Whatever it is, I'm sold enough to be probably off meditating while waiting for a reply. Sounds painful really considering that I've done this before in other fears, but well, nothing much else I could do.

[Consept]

Yeah you might be right in that your issue is accepting the life situation, which sonething you need to do. But you seem to want to rid yourself of fear, even if its the fear of not always having fear, you cant get rid of it. Theres nothing you can do to get rid, real acceptance is fully understanding that, otherwise all youre doing is trying to think it away which actually powers it and makes it more 'real'.

In an overall way anything youre doing to get rid of fear no matter how spiritual it looks will ultimately increase the fear because its non acceptance of it. You almost have to embrace it and love it but understand that it will always be there